Fiancé won't sleep with me...any advise???

[Queenbee1711]

My fiancé of 1 year (yes love birds and in madly in love) recently had a bad experience with symptoms concerning herpes....thing is, when ur symptoms go away, they won't test you because your results could not be positive...therefore things have changed dramatically since then and although I've told him well be together no matter what he still feels disgusted with himself.... To too that off... He jacks off a lot, obviously when were away from each other and watches porn... Though when I ask him for sex I get denied and he doesn't seem so into it... What can I do!!!???

[atskitty2]

So, just a few questions first: Is he your fiance for a year, or you've been together a year & got engaged in that time? How new are the herpes symptoms & how frequent are his outbreaks?
Am I to understand the inference that you aren't being satisfied sexually with him, due to his self-gratification?

[Queenbee1711]

So, just a few questions first: Is he your fiance for a year, or you've been together a year & got engaged in that time? How new are the herpes symptoms & how frequent are his outbreaks?
Am I to understand the inference that you aren't being satisfied sexually with him, due to his self-gratification?

No we've been engaged for 3 months and together in all 1 year. He's only had one outbreak but got really freaked out by it. All this started about two months ago and since then things have changed he admits to jacking off a lot but we still had a good sex life before all this happened. He says it's a combination of everything that went on and his self pleasing.

[Queenbee1711]

And yes I'm not fully satisfied with him be cause he denies me half the time n when we do I feel we do it cuz I only ask him

[Lee_Torre_Googleme]

That is a very difficult situation to deal with. My main piece of advice is to realize that he will be the same husband as he is a fiancee. I don't believe in sex before marriage (stone me now) and my (now wife) fiancee didn't either, so we had an understanding. But your situation is a difference in lifestyle choices, and that is a risky union to say the least.

Think it over deeply. And try to use your reasoning skills and mind over your heart. Just my opinion, I hope I gave you a different perspective.

-Lee

[kira]

I think first he needs some more information. People freak over genital herpes but it's actually the safer version of herpes. Cold sores are also herpes and much more dangerous. They can infect all sorts of areas of the body. We are just used to everyone catching them as children and having a periodic outbreak. I've read 80% of people will have genital herpes before they die and hardly any will even know it. Often one outbreak is all you have and it may not even be enough bumps that someone gets concerned enough to see a doctor. It goes away and they think it was just some weird acne type problem or irritation. Unless you have immune system problems it's really not that big of deal. It would be best to use condoms and possibly avoid sex during an outbreak because it is possible if you catch it that it turns out more severe for you. There are some people who just don't have an immune that suppresses it. Otherwise it shouldn't be much of a concern when it comes to sex. You should look up some information and you might want to go talk to a doctor, maybe a specialist in such issues like a gynecologist or urologist, or a clinic like planned parenthood. If you give him some peace of mind about the problem he might be willing to have sex more often.

You should also bring up your feelings. Try not to accuse him of anything but tell him you are not satisfied. If he doesn't want to have actual sex you should find some other way to satisfy each other. You may want to reconsider your relationship if you cannot find a way to improve things. These issues become worse after marriage not better and over the years things may fall apart if you don't start with a fulfilling relationship. This communication gap you have is not going to go away magically with marriage.

[Lee_Torre_Googleme]

I think first he needs some more information. People freak over genital herpes but it's actually the safer version of herpes. Cold sores are also herpes and much more dangerous. They can infect all sorts of areas of the body. We are just used to everyone catching them as children and having a periodic outbreak. I've read 80% of people will have genital herpes before they die and hardly any will even know it. Often one outbreak is all you have and it may not even be enough bumps that someone gets concerned enough to see a doctor. It goes away and they think it was just some weird acne type problem or irritation. Unless you have immune system problems it's really not that big of deal. It would be best to use condoms and possibly avoid sex during an outbreak because it is possible if you catch it that it turns out more severe for you. There are some people who just don't have an immune that suppresses it. Otherwise it shouldn't be much of a concern when it comes to sex. You should look up some information and you might want to go talk to a doctor, maybe a specialist in such issues like a gynecologist or urologist, or a clinic like planned parenthood. If you give him some peace of mind about the problem he might be willing to have sex more often.

You should also bring up your feelings. Try not to accuse him of anything but tell him you are not satisfied. If he doesn't want to have actual sex you should find some other way to satisfy each other. You may want to reconsider your relationship if you cannot find a way to improve things. These issues become worse after marriage not better and over the years things may fall apart if you don't start with a fulfilling relationship. This communication gap you have is not going to go away magically with marriage.

Excellent post, it does sound like he's so filled with fear and doesn't truly know what he's dealing with that he is paralyzing himself mentally. If not for anything else, he needs to get more education for his own sake.