[Wednesday L.F.]

After 15 years or so on the same schedule, my husband's work schedule has changed. I don't like it.
We have had to become much less spontaneous about sex, since staying awake for an extra hour or two makes him way too tired in the morning. I'm a freelancer, so my schedule is much more flexible.

My issue is that I love being spontaneous, but now he'd rather plan sex in advance so we can go to bed together early and he gets the amount of sleep he needs. Obviously, I want to accommodate that--but how do I deal with the feeling that planning sex in advance is less romantic and seems more mundane?

Do you other marrieds plan sex night beforehand? If not, how do they make sure they're getting enough sleep.
Please don't suggest morning sex. We don't do that.

[EmpyNester]

Now that the kids are mostly gone, we can be more spontaneous. But, you don't necessarily need to plan the night before. We always looked for "windows" of time and just took advantage of them.

Get yourself worked up during the day and "greet" him when he gets home. Sex right after dinner or in between TV shows?

BTW - what is spontaneous about late night sex if that is the only time you are doing it?

[Alison H.]

We are in a similar boat, mostly because my husband goes to sleep early and I’m more of a night owl. He’s normally awake by 6 in the morning or so, just naturally.

The difference in our sleep schedules is a challenge, but our spontaneity has been to some degree since we’ve got two kids. Sex is normally a night thing and if I’m working late during week nights, it’s a weekend night thing (unless I take a sex break before he goes to bed).

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with planning for sex - it’s not spontaneous, but you’re kinda setting it like a date in a way. Something to look forward to and think about until it happens.

In our case, I don’t go to bed when he does. Ever. We’ll have sex but then afterward, he’ll go to sleep and I’ll do whatever until I go to bed later.

But spontaneity can come in other ways even if sex is planned - changing it up in some way or trying something new (or even taking things to another room - on a kitchen counter, in the living room). I don’t remember the last time I had sex in a room that wasn’t the bedroom (my kids would be horrified lol) so maybe that’s why it’s the first thing I’m thinking of.

There are ways to keep some spontaneity alive, even if you have to schedule sex to some degree.

Is this new schedule a permanent thing?

[EmpyNester]

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with planning for sex - it’s not spontaneous, but you’re kinda setting it like a date in a way. Something to look forward to and think about until it happens.

Parents that want to keep active sex live almost have to operate in this manner. Much better than the alternative of going without sex.

[atskitty2]

Can you work the schedule thing into the sex plan, and make it more exciting and interesting, or spontaneous? Are you into role playing at all? For example: call him, pretend to be a "patient service rep" at X physicians office, and schedule a 4:30pm doctor appointment on Friday for a full physical exam, and throw in some other words to hint at your intentions. Whenever he shows up at home, be wearing a Lab coat and nothing more. It seems kinda corny, but, it may work, if you tweek that to meet your personalities. There's all sorts of scenarios you can use to interest each of you.

In general, I agree with you that planning sex sort of takes some of the magic out of it all. Get creative and make it seem less planned, based on your individual style. Maybe plan it, but don't plan it. Say that Saturday is the day to make it happen, but then leave the time and place open. Then attack him in the grocery store parking lot, and finish business when you get home. lol
I don't think planning it has to be as structured as penciling in 8pm M W F on the calendar. Maybe state times that he's open to it, then get creative as to how that sex scene plays out.

[amy40]

rarely had spontaneous sex; did NFP from the start

[amy40]

how do I deal with the feeling that planning sex in advance is less romantic and seems more mundane?

when planning sex, you can text him little messages during day

then there's the anticipation

[Kayla Lords]

The time designated for sex might be planned but the kind of sex you have could be where spontaneity takes over. It's easy to get into sexual routines -- same position, same toys, at the same time -- but it doesn't have to be. Knowing you have a set time simply means that you know when you're available for whatever happens.

[CapeCRunner]

Honestly I feel like 90% of the time we plan out sex. And it sort of fits our lifestyle with our kids. But I do miss just being able to do it on a whim whenever and where ever. I remember it being really late one night when we were a lot younger and we did it on the beach in this little private spot we thought no one else knew about. It was so hot and romantic. One of those times I'll always remember. Not that our sex life is bad now but it's definitely different.

[amy40]

I remember it being really late one night when we were a lot younger and we did it on the beach in this little private spot we thought no one else knew about. It was so hot and romantic. One of those times I'll always remember.

outside is the best! I also will never forget outside at a nat'l park among the mountains....the view to remember