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I find myself in a very grey area. Was this forceful on his side? TMI

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  • Wednesday L.F.
    Wow. This sounds like a difficult situation to be in.
    I hope it's okay if I ask a question:

    If you had been more forceful in your No, what do you think his reaction would be. As your husband, this is probably not the first time you've ever declined sex. Does he normally take No for an answer, or is there risk of an argument or worse--something aggressive and physical? It sounds like you're saying you were partially responsible for what happened because you didn't do things like push him away or loudly say No. That's not a grey area IMO. That's a partner not listening to what you've said you want (and don't want)

    Whether or not you said the word No, you expressed that you did not think sex was a good idea at that time. That alone should be enough. There are certainly other ways to express yourselves sexually that wouldn't have been against your expressed wishes.

    I worry that this behavior might be present in your relationship in other ways. Pushing boundaries is often a sign of a potential abuser. I don't want to overstep, since I don't know you or your husband, but the behavior you describe is worrisome.

    Leave a comment:

  • Kayla Lords
    The only grey area here, in my opinion, is that no, this doesn't necessarily rise to the level of an assault, based on how you describe your feelings during and later - unless you think it does. That being said, your boundaries and at least some of your needs seem to have been ignored, at the very least.

    "No" might be a complete sentence but it's only a single way to communicate that something is not necessarily wanted. Based on your description of your initial reactions once your husband began, a pause to check in with you was the minimum required here. Had he done that, you could have reiterated your fears of getting pregnant, maybe suggested another way to proceed so you both got what you wanted (without the pregnancy scare), and the good time wouldn't also come with a side of self-doubt and what-ifs.

    I would highly encourage you to have a conversation with your partner about what happened and discuss the need for a pause and how to handle it in the future.

    In BDSM, we (I'm in a power exchange, submissive, and kinky in a variety of ways, so yes "we") may use safewords and other negotiated terms for how to stop a moment (and it's not a bad idea for non-kinky folks, too) but even there, the word "no" and "stop" can still apply and we also encourage check-ins and not assuming what each other means. Those are tools that are great for all relationship styles, not just those of us who are kinky. Pushing forward even as a partner expresses doubt ignores the boundaries and needs of that partner - and it can erode both trust in yourself (and how you feel, how you reacted, what was "right") AND trust in the partner who ignored you.

    Leave a comment:

  • atskitty2
    Welcome stayathomewife !! We're glad you joined us to share this experience and seek our feedback!

    As I read through your scenario, and I think about how that must have been for you, I really think this resulted in you not feeling respected and honored in your concerns. I think that you didn't feel HEARD, and your concerns validated by your husband. You voiced reservations, and a reluctance about sex possibly having an outcome that you did not prefer, yet he continued on, without really confirming with you that intercourse was, for sure, ok with you. That is inappropriate and it is disrespectful and it is kind of a jerk thing to do. If you two have a history of that sort of sexual behavior, that's understandable, but since you were left questioning this, I'm guessing that is not the case.

    While it may not rise to the level of rape or assault, it was not a loving act, and it was neglectful of your thoughts and feelings. And the concerns are two-fold here, as far as I'm concerned. You were raising a question as to the intercourse, as well as the possibility of becoming pregnant-2 very big deals-and he ignored you on both counts. While he was probably trying to be playful, or perhaps communicate his approval of a pregnancy, it left you feeling this sort of disconnect, am I right?

    I could be way off base here, and I hope that you understand me clearly. It seems like a good next step, to sit down with him and share with him how this made you feel. Do you have children, and do you (both) want children? Maybe some boundaries need to be discussed about sexual communication and respect. Personally, I would lose a lot of respect for a man that treated me with such disregard. It could be that his behavior has left you questioning some values and the trust that you've had with him.

    I hope that you'll return and share more with us.

    Leave a comment:

  • jns
    This is an interesting situation because something similar probably plays out many times. One partner is more demanding of the other. It is not a situation where there are safewords such as in full on BSDM. I am interested in what others think of this situation. One way to squelch such situations is to "spoil the milk" by which I mean to participate in such a way that he does not get any positive feedback from you. If he is only selfish, he will not care but if he truly cares, he will learn to heed what you say, even if it is in a quiet voice. If he does not care, then you have one answer about your relationship.

    Leave a comment:

  • Alison H.
    I have to agree with EmptyNester — it sounds to me like part of what turned him on was knowing he was pushing past your boundaries, and doing it anyway.

    This is a grey area, but… not really.

    You specifically told him it was not a good time and you didn’t want to get pregnant. Even though you did not say “NO” — you still voiced your concerns. You still said it wasn’t a good time. You still said you didn’t want to get pregnant.

    All of those things are a clear indication that you did not really want to have sex at that time — even though you didn’t say the word, “No.”

    And he forcefully seduced you, anyway. Sure, you got into it — but likely, it was because 1) it felt good and 2) you love him and wanted to make him happy.

    Here’s the thing:

    Someone could say to me, “I’m going to put mustard on your sandwich.”

    If I say “Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea, I don’t like it,” that equates to “Don’t put that on my sandwich,” without me actually using the word “no.”

    I voiced my concern over it. I said I don’t like it. If someone hears that and purposely puts mustard on my sandwich, anyway, they’re pushing past my boundaries, right? I could eat it because I like the person, and maybe even like the sandwich in spite of that, but I didn’t want it. Even if I was eventually into it later on.

    The same thing applies here — it’s persuasion, and pushing past your boundaries because he knew he could persuade you.

    I think that moving forward from this, if and when another instance like this arises, use the word “No,” but also be prepared for what you will do if he doesn’t listen or acknowledge it.

    For some people, the thought of potentially getting someone pregnant (or becoming pregnant) is a turn-on. If he behaved this way during the entire month, knowing that your pill wasn't protecting you from pregnancy, that could have played a role in his insistence. If kids are something you've talked about and want, that's one thing — but the fact that you specifically voiced concern over not getting pregnant and it was why you didn't want sex in the first place... he wasn't respecting the way you feel about it. At all.

    How does he feel about having kids? Is that something he wants? Meaning — could this have been his way of trying to make it happen "accidentally"?

    Leave a comment:

  • EmptyNester
    I would agree on your categorization of that as "grey area"..... While you warned him, you did not stop him. That said, I believe he knew he could push past the boundaries and you likely would not stop him. That probably turned him on even more.

    Moving forward, think about what what you WILL do next time this behavior arises..i.e. push him away, say NO, etc....

    Leave a comment:

  • stayathomewife
    started a topic I find myself in a very grey area. Was this forceful on his side? TMI

    I find myself in a very grey area. Was this forceful on his side? TMI

    I'm married so I ought to ask this here in this sub. I have found myself in a very grey area. I need to get this off my chest, as I can't seem to get pass this.
    I need reassurance/validation on this please. I don't know if this is me fell for my husband seduction, or he was somewhat forceful.

    Sorry TMI post.

    Sorry for English is my third language. Me and my husband we together 11 years, married 7 years.



    TMI below

    Something happened a while back, and till this day I still wasn't sure. I know it consensual sex, but then part of me not sure if it because I was so hesitant due to my missed pill therefore I didn't give the first minute initial consent.

    I need some reassurance/validate my feelings on this please.

    Husband initiated sex, and I did specificly told him that it was not a good time due to my missed pill that month and I didn't want to get pregnant (in all fairness, I did not use the word No).

    Well, he went on forcefully suck on my mouth, then to my neck, then he slide down one side of my shirt and forcefully suck on my shoulder repeatedly, repeatedly, he just won’t stop use his mouth. However I did not say the word No or stop.


    what I did was called his name, then I called his name again, my heart was racing for him but deep down I was hesitant I might get pregnant due to my missed pill.

    He still won’t stop sucking/kissing, then he went to my breast, then continue his mouth down to my stomach, then his mouth down to my vagina. Then yeah you know, I had consensual sex with him.

    Sucking here he was just using his mouth, he never hurt me.

    In fall fairness, I did enjoy, really enjoy the sex with him. (sex with him it always been out of this world, he gives me multiple vaginal orgasms after orgasms).

    He always the dominant one in sex and I'm the submissive one, so him sucking all over my body it nothing new. At first I was scare of might get pregnant, so I tried to fight it off. But then he continued on and it feels really good so I had consensual sex with him.

    I mean I even unbutton his dress shirt, so it can't be forceful (on his side) right? When he on top of me while kissing all over me, he started to unbutton his dress shirt, then I engage I even help him to unbutton it too.

    This alone say it wasn't force right? I mean how can it be force if I help unbutton his dress shirt? I guess I wanted sex with him too.

    Validate my feeling on this please, he is my husband, I’m just confuse with my feelings on this. And he did this for a whole month of my missed pill, not just a one time thing, so he clearly know what he was doing. I did ask my husband why he did what he did, and he said it because he loves me very much and he crazy about me.

    So basically my husband seduce me, I fell for it. I should woman up and take responsibility instead of shift the blame to him right? But for some reason part of me feel that he purposely did what he did to turn me on, persuade? as he knows he really really good in bed and I couldn't find myself to reject him sex. Yep, I found myself in a very grey area, I need validation on this.

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