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Staying in the Moment

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  • Staying in the Moment

    I could use some tips for staying in the moment during sexy times.
    My husband is awesome--attentive, technically skilled, loving, all that. But I find myself interrupting foreplay with questions about thanksgiving dinner or whether or not the phone bill got paid.

    I tried being screen-free 30 minutes before bed, avoiding stuff like caffeine that makes me jittery (and hence leads my mind to wander), but it's hard to focus on the moment at hand.

    How do I stop my brain from wandering?

  • women have so many words/day we must speak so schedule some time with husband during dinner or after just to talk & get all your questions answered & talk time in

    make sure you're talked out for the day so you can relax later with husband

    Comment


    • Originally posted by amy40 View Post
      women have so many words/day we must speak so schedule some time with husband during dinner or after just to talk & get all your questions answered & talk time in

      make sure you're talked out for the day so you can relax later with husband
      hahaha, I love that!

      Comment


      • I have never stopped my brain from wandering completely. But I also tried a meditation/mindfulness trick I've heard about -- which is once I notice my mind wandering from the moment, I acknowledge it (to myself, in my internal dialogue) and then do my best to re-focus.

        When that fails or if I think my brain is just too noisy, I like over-stimulation for quieting the mind. We play with orgasm control a lot -- including forced orgasms and edging. It's really hard to think about my to-do list when I'm screaming my head off while my partner uses the Hitachi on me. I know forced orgasms aren't everyone's thing, but maybe the overstimulation of whatever thing you like most might work?

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Wednesday L.F. View Post
          I could use some tips for staying in the moment during sexy times.
          My husband is awesome--attentive, technically skilled, loving, all that. But I find myself interrupting foreplay with questions about thanksgiving dinner or whether or not the phone bill got paid.

          I tried being screen-free 30 minutes before bed, avoiding stuff like caffeine that makes me jittery (and hence leads my mind to wander), but it's hard to focus on the moment at hand.

          How do I stop my brain from wandering?
          I'm not sure what will work for you but the best thing for staying focused on the task at hand for me was skiing (I know, usually not compatible with sex). Because I had so much fun when I was skiing good, I stayed totally focused on it and that was very freeing.

          I have almost all of my bills paid on time and directly from my bank. Since I travel overseas for extended times, that works out very well. The only thing I have to do is make sure there is enough money in the account, which is not hard because I keep a bit extra in it and my retirement fund distributions go directly in it. That may work for you.

          To keep future things from becoming worrisome, I write things down because I worry more about forgetting what I had thought through. Maybe for Thanksgiving, make a dialog of what you did on the computer so you can go back to it the next year as a starting point.

          I know that those two things are just place holders for a long list of things, but if you approach various situations in the same manner you can consolidate and use similar techniques on new situations. Think a bit and figure out how you want to organize them including maybe a cheat sheet for quickly looking up and jumping to what you want. I think that once the mundane jobs are tamed a bit that your mind will have less reason to wander.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

          Comment


          • It's hard to give an opinion without more info. has this always been an issue, or just recently? Are there any major changes or stressors in your life rn?
            I notice the first thing you did was to reassure everyone that your hubs is awesome. Does he need a lot of reassuring about his skills? Whether he's good or not, the pressure to show how much you're enjoying it (or not) for his sake could be very distracting.
            How do you feel about talking to him about this? Do you have the kind of relationship where you can be that open?
            When you're not in the mood, do you have sex just to please him? Would he do that for you? Would you ask him to have sex when he's not in the mood for just your pleasure? Would you expect him to get in the mood?
            If you're not into it, no matter how skilled he is, of course your mind will wander. You can't force yourself to be horny.
            On the other hand, if you are aroused during these times of distraction maybe you can find a way to relax before sex. men have sex so they can relax and women relax so they can enjoy sex.
            Meditation - do you like audio-erotica? Maybe some meditation with that in the background. Try that alone and also with your husband, see if you have different results. If you fantasize in a meditative state, you may be able to do that while you're having sex.
            Many women think they need to put on a performance - which is BS planted there by a society of mysognistic men who watch porn instead of asking their partner what she likes.
            Have you ever asked your husband to give you a massage as foreplay? There are plenty of resources to teach massage for arousal. Set a timer and then ask him to do it for a while longer - so you have anticipation without knowing how long he will touch you before things get more heated. Pay attention to what his hands are doing, what your body responds to and later tell him what you enjoyed most.
            The last suggestion I have is practical, but not as much fun.
            After sex, write down everything that popped into your head that you DON'T want there at that time. See if there's a theme. Chores? Work? Family issues? That might help to know.
            The next time you go to bed, write down thoughts you have that could be distracting. Write on paper, don't type (uses a different part of your brain). Read it through, then fold the paper a few times, put it in a box - outside your bedroom. Say outloud (if you can) "I'm leaving these thoughts here. I'm going to bed without them. They will stay in this box until I open it. These thoughts stay here." Repeat 3 times, while you visualize those thoughts, stuck in that box, with a strong lock and only one key. You put that key on a high shelf. You leave it there. The key will be there tomorrow, the box will be there tomorrow, the worries will be there tomorrow.
            Then think other thoughts. Warm thoughts. Whatever thoughts you like. Now there's room for the moment, where you want to be.

            If visualization is new for you, don't sweat it. But give it a try. What do you have to lose?
            Good luck!

            Comment


            • Thank you, LynneZ. That gives me a lot to think about.

              Comment

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