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Can't manage to resolve my feelings.

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  • Can't manage to resolve my feelings.


    Long time no see in here. My journey the last years are to long to describe here. But I wanted to air something. If anyone remembers I had issues with my marrige sex life. After becoming suicidal and got some unexpected help when the system did not respond I've managed to come cope more. I'm still often depressed but the outlook is good I think. I have through this acknowledged that a part of this are relationship issues that remind me to my youth and being a victim of motherly abuse.

    A little while ago after a long time trying to work on our marriage, and feeling alone about it I decided enough is enough. So I said it's done. Due to how things went we are still toghether.

    But I still struggle with something that happend in this. because my wife threatend to kill herself and that I needed to explain that to our kids. When I managed to keep her in the house and stop what could have happened. I don't know to this day if the treat was real or not. But I keep thinking of this and how I feel Manipulated to stay in a marrige that I struggle to get the feeling back inn to. I still feel alone about realising the severity of our problems and that my wants and needs are far less important than hers.

    I'm considering her threat and what I feel as manipulation prevents my emotions from growing towards her again.

    I'm afraid to talk about this to her.

    But would you guys think I can build feelings back without bringing this up again?

  • This all sounds like something that cannot be ignored. It has to be addressed in order for you all to move forward.

    This is one of those situations where simply talking it out may not be enough. As a chronically depressed and occasionally suicidal person--I can tell you that all the conversation in the world with a spouse will not help much until the mindset is right. Professional help will almost certainly be needed here if your hope is to have any kind of positive relationships with them again.


    • I'm not quite sure if your recommendation for professional help is for me or my wife.

      For my part after a couple of years I did get professional help. It helped me out a lot and gave me pointers for new mental tools, that and with the help of the unexpected person. I have seen ways of "talking" to myself and ways of supporting each other that I have never really seen as an option. This gives me hope that there is a possibility out there for a more loving relationship. My hope is that this is with my wife and mother of my children. But at this point I have not really embraced the thought that I could deserve such a thing(I know this sounds foolish, but it's deeply ingrained in my personality). So I'm working to reprogram thoughts like that to actually see my own worth. This takes time, but I will get there. The positive thing is that the last 6 months I have been able to gain new friendships and have people trust me with their secrets, building good relationships where positive feedback and building each others opportunities are a core value of the friendship.

      The problem is that I more and more feel that other people care more for my well being than my own wife.

      When it comes to my wife she has never shown any clear indication of being suicidal, she might have had a few shorter periods of being somewhat depressed but nothing big. There has been people around me that see more of my view that have mentioned Narcissistic tendency on her. But I kinda feel like it's little stretch. She is clearly 2 different people at work and at home. If we talk on the phone while she's at work her voice and use of words are completely different then at home. To the degree that I feel more warmth from her on the phone when at work than home.

      I have tried to say that I want couple's therapy. But she said no and started to tear down the value of what couples therapy is. Saying that it does not help people. And that you will have to be responsible for your own "therapy" anyway. As they don't do anything to help.

      So I know that things are a little locked in my situation. But I do not want to hurt the kids or her. So it's for the time being easier to just be hurt my self. At least that I know I can handle for the most part, as I've done all my life. Being a victim of abuse from my mother in my own childhood after my parents got divorced. That is not something I want my kids to go through.


      • That's all very sad, and understandable under the circumstances. I don't mind telling you that aside from those who hurt others intentionally for fun--everyone deserves love, companionship, and to feel safe and valued in their own home.

        I hope this doesn't sound judgy, but you and your wife are also modeling what a marriage should look like for your children. I shouldn't think you'd tell your kids to stay in a relationship where they are not valued, aren't comfortable, and feels less than loving. Whatever they see, they're likely to think is normal and acceptable.

        While couples therapy can be helpful, if she resists it the whole time it's likely to just be money and time down the drain. I wish I had better advice for you--but the truth is that sometimes you're better off being single than with someone who isn't right for you. Personally, I wasn't able to meet my right person until I understood that I didn't have to stand for hurtful shenanigans.

        Even if you and your wife can't afford to maintain separate residences, some clarity about your relationship could benefit you both. It's possible to break up or divorce while living together or co-parenting.

        I urge you not to sell yourself short, and not to settle for unhappiness.


        • Welcome back Lexhill. I'm so glad you remembered us and felt safe to come and share your experience with us! I hope that we have some valuable feedback and contribute to your healing process!

          Firstly, from your initial post here, your question is whether you can build the old feelings you had for your wife without bringing up what I assume is the attempted, or threatened, suicide of your wife. My first question is, what are those old feelings you had for your wife? What is it you're looking to rekindle? Do you remember a time when things were really good, healthy and happy?

          Secondly, no, you cannot move forward ignoring the suicidal ideation of yourself, or your wife. You both are suffering and your marriage and family is suffering as a result. You cannot and should not pretend that an attempt at, or a thought of suicide didn't happen. To move forward, you have to be able to speak openly and honestly about what has happened between the two of you. There is a personal component here, and there's a component of your relationship together, with your children, to consider.
          If your desire is to rekindle the feelings, and rebuild this relationship after this trauma, then yes, it's possible, but it will require an enormous amount of work from both of you.

          Counseling, either together or alone, (and likely both) will be necessary with a skilled therapist. With this critical level of malfunction, it may not be possible to find your way through this in a healthy way without the guidance of a trained professional. Your wife is right on one count, you-both of you-have to do the work. Therapists are there to guide and support, not to do the work. It seems that your wife doesn't understand the therapist's role in healing. An hour a week with a skilled counselor can help you learn the skills to use through the week in your daily life, but they cannot change your behaviors and your path and your choices. And that's where the rubber meets the road with therapy and healing. It takes a long time to achieve balance and reach a better place mentally and emotionally.

          From your second post here, I found the final paragraph particularly interesting and deeply troubling. Your comment about being hurt yourself in order not to hurt the kids or her is just gut wrenching for me. Your children are being adversely affected by the toxic relationship between your wife and you.
          You say you can handle that as you've done all your life...and that's essentially a trauma response. Your wife and yourself have both been at the brink of suicide. Your kids are being affected by this very deeply. Your kids (I don't know their ages) also need to be speaking with a counselor. They have seen, heard and "felt" a whole lot more than you realize, and they need help to process these events and their thoughts and feelings as well. It's very likely they'll grow up to repeat the cycle, as they say, unless they can get some help to understand what's happening.

          My mom was abusive. I've spent many years recovering from it. My dad said something once that stuck with me, and I don't know if it was an original quote or not, but he told me about his efforts to not hurt her or rock the boat, as they say. He said that he worked really hard not to rock the boat, and instead, he just drilled a few slow holes in the bottom. He said the outcome was the same-he still sank in the end, but spent a lot more years in misery. I think that's what we do many times in our efforts to just keep things fine on the surface. But there's always trouble brewing just beneath the surface. Deal with it. Expose it all, hash it out and deal with the hurt, the pain and all the ugliness of the past. It's the only way to really move forward.


          • Lexihill ! I have been where you are ! Stayed until the children were grown - my youngest was 19 when I finally left although I still completely paid the rent for four more years ,then finally went for a divorce and of course still got screwed some more ! No one deserves a incomplete marriage ! I won’t expound on my particular situation but I will say that I am not at all certain sticking it out made it better for anyone but her ! It was my choice to wait and at least attempt the right thing but that only cost me far more with the hope that some better things happened for the kids ! It was a disaster for me( not just financially),depression which I hid,sex was virtually non- existent and she enabled so much of what I believe was bad for the kids- no ! I know was bad for them ! If your misses said she would commit suicide you should have moved on after reporting it so she might have been forced into counseling ! No one can truly prevent that if someone means to cause their own end ! All you did was commit you’re self to more trauma making you that much less available for your children and yourself- ofcourse this is just my viewpoint ! That you stuck around for those reasons is enough for me to believe you have more than proven your value ! It’s time for you ! YOU deserve it


            • Thank you for all your feedback. This forum and all of you have always been respectful and honest that gives a good place for conversation.

              What old feelings I refer to I would say words like "feeling home", emotionally safe, wanted, respected and at peace.

              Your question about if I can remember a time here things where really good etc. I got a little epiphany when talking to my "new" friend that was my unexpected savior. What I felt as really good for a while in our relationship, might not really have been that good, because my expectation for what I deserved was so low. Just the feeling that someone wanted to be with me and live with me, even marry me was far more then I believed I deserved. So fairly recently I've come to the conclusion that I have been stretching far to much for far to long. This realization was in coherence with my own work with my own psychologist as well.

              So what I felt at the time was really good, was more good because my own childhood was giving me far less. My friend has several times commented that he and more of the friends in that group have behind my back talked about the very tilted power and responsibility/work situation I seem to be in. Because they have felt it as unhealthy. This is some of the things I now start to pick up on since I have become more aware of and have a more healthy self worth.

              Due to time I have to wrap it up here. But I have read the responses and really appreciate them. They are good answers that I will think a lot about. And I do realize that I have a lot to talk to my wife about. I just need to figure out how to get a constructive conversation about this. I will most likely come back with more Just might take a few days due to time.

              Thanks again for all your feedback.



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