Need a friend to discuss threesomes.

[Essence2D]

I am a 55 y/o woman, married for 37 years. My husband and I have have faced more trials than I care to count. Over the past few months we have suffered the worst arguments ever. I was certain this would end our marriage. But my husband asked me to try again. We have reconnected in ways we never have in the past. We have resolved some very old issues and are feeling much better about our future. Counseling has helped.

However, a new twist was presented to me that I am struggling with. During our time apart, my husband received a lot of comfort and support from a long time female friend. He now tells me that he has developed deep feelings for her, but in no way wants to replace me, or leave me. He has asked if I would consider involving her in a threesome.

He envisions what he terms as a big happy family. In my understanding, something that sounds like a sister wife scenario.

I envision something quite different. A close friend and lover that we seek out on occasion. Someone we may even hang out with casually once in awhile. But we have our life and she has hers.

My husband insists that such a relationship is a unicorn. Would never happen.

My dilemma......I know for a fact that such a relationship can happen. I was the "her" in one. I cared for the married couple very much, and they for me. They were there for me when I was alone and needed intimacy. They made sure I felt safe and was treated safely. When the relationship wasn't needed, we all parted with love and well wishes. I was grateful to them for the experience. But my husband knows nothing of this. He would be devastated. With our new tenuous reconnection, I am terrified to discuss it.

I have no problem giving him the threesome he wants. But I do not want what he envisions. I am not at all attracted to his friend. And I feel that I would merely be tolerated in such a scenario by her, simply so she can have my husband.

I just don't know what to do. He seems almost desperate to make this woman a part of our lives. Whether I say yes or know, I will be unhappy.

[MrMr]

You shouldn't do anything that makes you uncomfortable or unhappy. In my experience threesomes and group sex is easier with people who aren't close to the relationship unless everyone is on the same page.

From a personal point of view, threesomes are far easier to navigate with 2 men and 1 woman. The visual excitement of 2 women is obviously a turn on but there can be less flow to good sex

[Essence2D]

I can't see myself ever agreeing to this woman being part our sex life. The red flags are there. She is already sending sad texts that make my husband feel guilty that he has hurt her feelings because our marriage is working out. I feel this is very unfair of her. She supported and encouraged him to work things out with me, but now wants to act put out!

Having experienced FMF, my fantasy for my husband has evolved. Being there with him while he has sex with another woman is my turn on. I did agree that it should never be someone close to us.

[MrMr]

Would you be open to letting her watch you with your husband? And you simply need to tell your husband that you wouldn't enjoy sex with her and you want someone else who you both enjoy to make the experience better

[jns]

There is a saying of what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas (with Vegas being Las Vegas also known as Sin City.)

Essence2D, my suggestion for any additional interactions outside of traditional marriage is to have them happen at a places sufficiently far away that they cannot be easily repeated or duplicated. That will give enough space for the results to be analyzed and the roles to be examined. If later a different structure of your marriage is what you both agree on, you both will be able to bring in your opinions from a better understanding.

[Essence2D]

I appreciate the input from everyone. As I suspected, my marriage will end in telling the truth about my feelings. My husband wants a "sister wife". He is not interested in just a threesome for the experience. Throughout our marriage, he has turned to other women each time things have been tough. There have been at least two others that I know of. I had forgiven those. They were unimportant people that we would never see again. But to accept another in a permanent situation is more than I can take.

He has made me feel inferior for years. Nothing I do seems right. Friends and family agree that it is years of verbal and emotional abuse. I feel that I deserve to be enough to someone. Just as I am. I love him, but can't see going on like this anymore. He refuses to see how his words and actions hurt.

I have sacrificed 22 years of following him while he was in the military. So much time alone through deployments and assignments. I raised our daughter mostly on my own. I have made a good career, supported him during his bad family situations. I've never cheated on him.

I just need to be enough. I will move forward with a broken heart, and hope that some one is out there looking for me too.

[Alison H.]

Ultimately, you need to do what is right for you and it sounds like the woman he wants to invite in as a sister wife wants to be the only one, given what you said about her "sending sad texts that make my husband feel guilty that he has hurt her feelings because our marriage is working out."

You deserve to be enough for someone and you are — sometimes it takes finding ourselves in a situation that does nothing but make us feel bad, to finally see our own worth as far as what we bring to the table and what we are getting in return.

You need more than he is willing or able to give and it sounds like you've sacrificed more than enough of your time and heart. Moving forward will hurt, and probably be difficult at times, but I think freeing yourself from that situation is going to bring a lot more happiness in the long run. I wish you all the best and if you need a place to vent or talk about things, the community is here for you.