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  • should I divorce

    Due to a sexless marriage, I have found myself losing interest in my partner, we have both put on weight her 50 and me 15 and now do not desire her. I feel I could care less to make love to her even though I love the person she is and love how we get a long. I gave up trying after years of rejection and let her suggest sex which ends up being maintenance sex. The act of sex and not really the feeling of elation but that once a month if that release. It is now just ok sex. In reality it has been this way for almost 8 years so it is only logical that I can expect this to be that way for another 8 years but with expectations that her drive will decrease and the enevability of resorting to maintenance sex a few times a year. My thinking is that once a couple meet and make love the making love becomes deeper, intense, the learning about that person enables you to bring them to a higher plane orgasmicly eventually becoming the best lover and life partner you could ever have. I feel depressed and angry that our love life has been stunted, robbed and marginalized, discounted, put on the back burner and feel neglected as a partner. I feel like I'm making friends with the devil I know. I feel I have many years of giving ultimate pleasure but am restricted, defused. There is still so much I want to enjoy sexually for her as much as me. When it comes to women I am equal opportunist and want her dreams, fantasies fulfilled even if there is something I cannot do even if she wants to experience a different man, men or ? Making love and being the one who knows what your partner needs when they don't know and giving it to them is part of marriage. To give to another without thought of self. ''Service above self'' is what makes a good wife / husband. I think we sometimes become self centred in relationships and a divide is created that takes years to acknowledge or get out of.
    Anger : I know most men don't like dancing but I see it as being on the floor showing off to everyone how lucky I am, to be so fulfilled emotionally , sexually and how committed I am to this very special woman I am with but as much as I love dancing and enjoying the dance of intimacy, the flirting and teasing with dancing that I we had tried that and by the end of the night after and enticing dance, the flirtations then hearing ... I'm too tired, I'm not in the mood now. What a blow. I stopped agreeing to go dancing as there was no action and no follow up to a night of enticing and teasing and being turned on. Instead if I watch dancers on youtube or tv I get very upset, angry and emotional at not being able to have the partner I thought I had. I feel robbed of the joy and connection I should have with my wife and feel a great deal of resentment.
    Last edited by CJ99; 02-07-2024, 09:07 AM.

  • Hello and welcome!

    Without knowing your wife’s side of things, it’s difficult to say. But if you’re feeling angry and resentful because the sex you feel entitled to isn’t happening, talk therapy is a good place to start. It may help you decide whether you want to work on your marriage or cut your losses and move forward.

    From what you’ve said here, it sounds like you’ve given up on activities that don’t end in your pleasure. That may be part of the problem. She might not feel attracted to someone for whom dancing, going out, flirting, etc is only a means to an end. I know I wouldn’t.

    Comment


    • Thanks I think the therapy thing is a good idea, but I'll stand my ground on the dancing. It would be different if there were times that we would make love but 95% of the time it's a no-go in addition to that month being a no-go. Thanks for your input.

      Comment


      • Bem CJ99, vejo que você está no mesmo dilema que eu. Estamos casados a quase 33 anos. Temos saúde física perfeita, mas com aproximadamente 5 anos de casamento ela começou a me evitar, a me rejeitar. Só havia sexo no dia, na hora e do jeito que ela queria. Então, quase sempre se resumia em "rapidinhas", um sexo mecânico, sem preliminares, sem emoção...Por muitas vezes me senti objecto de prazer sexual dela. Comecei a dizer que precisávamos de ajuda, de terapias... Passaram-se 15 anos até ela aceitar fazer terapias... Fizemos terapias de casal com Padre, Sexóloga, Psicóloga... Nada resolveu... Seus exames ginecológicos e hormonais, todos perfeitos sem nenhuma alteração... Mas a recusa de sexo continuou cada vez mais, passando meses e meses sem sexo. Até que meu organismo não resistiu pelo jejum , abstinência sexual. Em 2010 comecei a ter crises de ansiedade, em 2013 cheguei ao fundo do poço com crises profunda de "Síndrome de Angustia", que desencadeou uma depressão severa. Aí tive acompanhamento psiquiátrico, neurológico e psicológico por 2,5 anos. Em 2017, nova reincidência e novos medicamentos. Ao longo desses anos, ela pediu a separação por 5 vezes. Em 2020, eu não suportando mais a situação, eu pedi o divórcio. Ela saio de de casa e foi morar em outra cidade. Os filhos ficaram comigo. Mas 3 meses depois ela pedio arrego, pedio pra voltar. Aceitei ela de volta. Pararam as brigas comigo e com os filhos e filhas... Mas o sexo não regenerou,... Actualmente estamos a mais de ano sem se tocar, vivendo na mesma casa como amigos. Mas isso é uma tortura emocional que está acabando com os meus dias de vida.

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Fortunato View Post
          Bem CJ99, vejo que você está no mesmo dilema que eu. Estamos casados a quase 33 anos. Temos saúde física perfeita, mas com aproximadamente 5 anos de casamento ela começou a me evitar, a me rejeitar. Só havia sexo no dia, na hora e do jeito que ela queria. Então, quase sempre se resumia em "rapidinhas", um sexo mecânico, sem preliminares, sem emoção...Por muitas vezes me senti objecto de prazer sexual dela. Comecei a dizer que precisávamos de ajuda, de terapias... Passaram-se 15 anos até ela aceitar fazer terapias... Fizemos terapias de casal com Padre, Sexóloga, Psicóloga... Nada resolveu... Seus exames ginecológicos e hormonais, todos perfeitos sem nenhuma alteração... Mas a recusa de sexo continuou cada vez mais, passando meses e meses sem sexo. Até que meu organismo não resistiu pelo jejum , abstinência sexual. Em 2010 comecei a ter crises de ansiedade, em 2013 cheguei ao fundo do poço com crises profunda de "Síndrome de Angustia", que desencadeou uma depressão severa. Aí tive acompanhamento psiquiátrico, neurológico e psicológico por 2,5 anos. Em 2017, nova reincidência e novos medicamentos. Ao longo desses anos, ela pediu a separação por 5 vezes. Em 2020, eu não suportando mais a situação, eu pedi o divórcio. Ela saio de de casa e foi morar em outra cidade. Os filhos ficaram comigo. Mas 3 meses depois ela pedio arrego, pedio pra voltar. Aceitei ela de volta. Pararam as brigas comigo e com os filhos e filhas... Mas o sexo não regenerou,... Actualmente estamos a mais de ano sem se tocar, vivendo na mesma casa como amigos. Mas isso é uma tortura emocional que está acabando com os meus dias de vida.
          Fortunato, it sounds like you would be doing better if you were out of the relationship. Is there a reason you continue in it.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

          Comment


          • Weight gain affects hormones and energy levels. Your wife probably feels self conscious about her weight gain and her thoughts have been matched by your thoughts on her attractiveness.

            In a long term relationship more effort is required to have a good sex life. She probably isn't turned on just seeing you naked with a hard on.

            Ask her to tell you her fantasies and what she likes. Express that you and others desire her. Hearing others find my partner and vice versa is a massive turn on.

            Comment

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