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...is my friend dating a sexual predator?! (Help!)

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  • ...is my friend dating a sexual predator?! (Help!)

    I never thought I would ever have to post something of this nature. I'm still in shock, to be honest, but I need some advice.

    Back in May, I had a friend who was a hopeless romantic. We'll call her Kay. Kay and I were always talking about friendships and relationships, and she **so** badly wanted a boyfriend. Things didn't work out well until she met a seemingly nice young man. We'll call him John.

    John was a baseball player and a "good Christian guy". He leads a youth group and apparently has a great relationship with his family. He's very social, and has a large group of friends. Everything Kay was looking for. They quickly became exclusive in early May, and she seemed happy ever since. Well...until last night when she called me. She was bawling her eyes out, and then told me that she's accessed his Facebook and e-mail account...

    ...to find messages to underage girls!

    I thought it was a misunderstand at first, but when she gave me the passwords and begged me to look, I had to see. Sure enough, a few months ago, he was trying to convince a 14 year old to meet. She said that it wasn't right because of her age, and he said that he loved her and just wanted to see her. He's been exchanging pictures with other underage girls who it would appear he's been meeting through the Internet. We know of at least three, though I'm sure there are others. One of the interactions were as recent as 32 hours ago. These girls seem to be 16 and under, and he's sending them pictures of his penis or of him masturbating. One message was him trying to convince a girl to let him pick her up from school, even if they seem hesitant. In another message, he was telling this girl about all the things he would do to her when they met in person, so she needed to find a day her Mom wouldn't be around.

    Now, if this was just a normal infidelity thing, I would console her and we'd get through it. But at this point? I've been the victim of sexual crimes. I always wondered why someone didn't speak up. I feel like we should go to the police, but when she tried to say something, he deleted the messages and deleted the account. There's no more proof...nothing to go on. And I'm afraid she may take him back.

    How do I convince my friend not to get back together with this guy?
    To go to the police?
    Could the police even do anything?
    ...am I over-reacting?

    I'm shocked at this guy. He seemed so nice and personable, but this is unacceptable behavior, in my opinion! Advice would most certainly be appreciated. I have no idea what to do/say. She's one of my best friends: I would take a bullet for this girl. Please help?

  • i would still tell the Police, he may have another account he uses..

    Comment


    • I have a friend who is in computer forensics and believes, has proven, that almost everything can be tracked, traced or located. In addition, most of the "social sites", "online dating sites" and others have discreet agreements with law enforcement agencies to "share " this kind of data with them. It may not be a direct relationship with your county or other local law enforcement agency, but I can almost guarantee, they exist with federal agencies.

      There are also programs known as key loggers that can be installed on computers that are virtually undetectable except by the one who installed them, that will track every key stroke one enters on a computer keyboard...every stroke....every site...every password...every key stroke.

      Is this guy a predator? Based on what you've stated, do you really have any doubts? I don't and I just read a few paragraphs.

      Sexual predators are very good at what they do. They are masters of deceit. They have to be in order to be "successful".

      The first thing I'd do is get your friend away from this guy...today. The next thing I'd do is call the police.

      If she isn't willing to leave, then consider other options as described above.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by Alexandra View Post
        I never thought I would ever have to post something of this nature. I'm still in shock, to be honest, but I need some advice.

        Back in May, I had a friend who was a hopeless romantic. We'll call her Kay. Kay and I were always talking about friendships and relationships, and she **so** badly wanted a boyfriend. Things didn't work out well until she met a seemingly nice young man. We'll call him John.

        John was a baseball player and a "good Christian guy". He leads a youth group and apparently has a great relationship with his family. He's very social, and has a large group of friends. Everything Kay was looking for. They quickly became exclusive in early May, and she seemed happy ever since. Well...until last night when she called me. She was bawling her eyes out, and then told me that she's accessed his Facebook and e-mail account...

        ...to find messages to underage girls!

        I thought it was a misunderstand at first, but when she gave me the passwords and begged me to look, I had to see. Sure enough, a few months ago, he was trying to convince a 14 year old to meet. She said that it wasn't right because of her age, and he said that he loved her and just wanted to see her. He's been exchanging pictures with other underage girls who it would appear he's been meeting through the Internet. We know of at least three, though I'm sure there are others. One of the interactions were as recent as 32 hours ago. These girls seem to be 16 and under, and he's sending them pictures of his penis or of him masturbating. One message was him trying to convince a girl to let him pick her up from school, even if they seem hesitant. In another message, he was telling this girl about all the things he would do to her when they met in person, so she needed to find a day her Mom wouldn't be around.

        Now, if this was just a normal infidelity thing, I would console her and we'd get through it. But at this point? I've been the victim of sexual crimes. I always wondered why someone didn't speak up. I feel like we should go to the police, but when she tried to say something, he deleted the messages and deleted the account. There's no more proof...nothing to go on. And I'm afraid she may take him back.

        How do I convince my friend not to get back together with this guy?
        To go to the police?
        Could the police even do anything?
        ...am I over-reacting?

        I'm shocked at this guy. He seemed so nice and personable, but this is unacceptable behavior, in my opinion! Advice would most certainly be appreciated. I have no idea what to do/say. She's one of my best friends: I would take a bullet for this girl. Please help?
        I take it his age is a lot older.

        The police will give this to their sexual crimes unit. If their unit is competent, they can recover the content from your computer. Call them and ask if they want to shut your computer down or just pull the plug or battery out. With evidence of the posted messages and pictures, they should be able to get a warrant to seize his computer. Do this fast, do not waste time as things may be overwritten.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        ...
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

        Comment


        • Taking into account everthing you have mentioned above... How could he not be?
          Immediately call the police, even if your friend will not.

          As jns stated, they will be able to recover the info from the computer even if he deleted it - and they can recover it easily.
          Also consider that YOU have a backup of all of this as well now on your computer. Being as you were given access, and viewed the material there will be a cached snapshot of everything you viewed available on your machine.
          Colorado

          Comment


          • I agree with what everyone else is saying. I would go to the police. Chances are this account that your friend found isn't the first (or only) one for this guy. I seriously doubt picking up young girls is something new to him in which case there are probably other accounts and he is doing the exact same thing with them. Even though he deleted the account that your friend discovered, it can be located by law enforcement and if he has other accounts those can be discovered also. There is no telling how far he has gone with these underage girls and you NEED to go to the police to protect not only your friend but these girls that he is and undoubtedly will prey upon in the future. This man is a sick individual and if he isn't stopped he will damage the lives of many young women. Please go to the police.

            Comment


            • A couple of things here:

              Your are dead right to ask for advice and well done.

              Now I feel you need to sit down with your friend and tell speak to her about this issue. You need to show her that a life with a sexual predator is a life of misery and that she needs to get herself out. You need to try and help her to see that this relationship is doomed.

              Then, you need to convince her to go to the police with you. The police will take it much more seriously if the two of you go together and it will also help your friendship. You need to convince her that there are young teenage girls out there that could be seriously harmed and affected by this man and that, since you both know, you now have a responsibility to protect them.

              Finally if she won't go then you need to go yourself. There is no respecting her wishes here and if she refuses it may end your friendship but there are bigger issues at stake here. You now have a responsibility to share knowledge that may prevent a crime. God knows how you would feel if something awful happened that you both could have prevented.

              Good luck :-)

              Comment


              • Wait a minute, how did she get his facebook login details?

                but when she gave me the passwords and begged me to look, I had to see
                THAT should be enough proof for facebook to search , locate and prove.

                CW
                PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                Comment


                • Hi everyone. Thank you for all of the responses. He is college-aged, so not the age differences aren't huge, but I still find it disgusting. And CW, he apparently was logging into his account and she saw him type is password.

                  Here's an update though:

                  I called Kay a few times, trying to talk about it, but she never picked up. When I finally texted to say that I was going to the police, and she immediately called me back. She begged me not to, and I told her that it was wrong. She said that she knew, and that they broke up, but that she was a Christian woman and believed in forgiveness. He's living with his parents right now, and they apparently are restricting any computer privileges, and after the holidays he is going to a psychologist. He admitted to her that he needed help, and that he was going to get it to improve himself. She said that she (despite the fact that they are not together) is going with him to make sure he goes.

                  Despite all this, I still wanted to call the police, but she pleaded with me to wait. She said that if he didn't go to counseling, she'd even go to the station with me. After a while I hesitantly agreed, but it's tearing me up inside.

                  Her father was just diagnosed with cancer for a third time, and she's going through a lot right now. She said that this all was even making her feel suicidal, and that she just couldn't stand seeing someone go to jail when they could get help. It's so hard for me though, because I **have** been sexually abused, and sitting here while John isn't being taught a lesson is just killing me.

                  So, even though I promised not to go just yet, I'm very conflicted.

                  Thank you again to everyone who responded. Your posts are what concreted in me that it was really wrong - by everyone's standards. I hope John is actually going to get help, and not BS about it.

                  Comment


                  • I don't believe that was the way to go. The recidivism rate amongst sexual predators is very high. Basically, they just get better at lying about it. I don't believe counseling will work, possibly he could be scared straight, but I have little hope for that.

                    He being college age and targeting girls in the 14 to 16 year age is a problem. If it was a girl that he grew up with and knew personally, it would still constitute statutory rape. But contacting girls he didn't know personally, sending sexually explicit pictures and trying to be alone with them makes me believe he is an incipient sexual predator. To add to it, he leads a youth group, which is usual sexual predator activity to keep current on teenager speech patterns and to surround himself with what he desires.

                    You should have Kay promise to help pay for any future damage that John does. She does believe in tithing, doesn't she. Have her agree to tithe to any victims until their counseling and medical costs are paid for. And this still will not compensate for what they will go through.
                    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                    ...
                    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                    Comment


                    • Well...until last night when she called me. She was bawling her eyes out, and then told me that she's accessed his Facebook and e-mail account...

                      Just because she confided in "you", doesn't mean that you are obligated to keep a promise..Most certainly, you may lose a friend but, he has a serious illness, serious...and it's like an addiction, he will find a way to access, a computer, this is destroying young girls minds, maybe they find it funny, but then when he states "you must find a day when your Mum isn't in the house", may have scared a couple of them.....

                      Anyone could have reported his "facebook name, one of those girls", to the Police...unfortunately some secrets have to be left in the closet....maybe this is one, that you have to act upon and then "suggest" it could have been one of the teenagers and live with that...

                      His parents are covering, hoping....She is covering hoping...And you are covering, hoping....and someone out there will be hoping HE never finds them...

                      It's not a game...unfortunately....He needs to be on file and he needs help.......

                      CW
                      Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 12-26-2010, 06:25 PM.
                      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                      Comment


                      • PLEASE GO TO THE POLICE! Stop making excuses! It's not about punishment it's about protecting these girls. You're looking out for your friend's interests, by doing that you are more interested in protecting this man than you are about protecting these girls. Your friend is being manipulated by this man, she is not thinking clearly. GO TO THE POLICE, make sure these girls are protected.

                        Comment


                        • I don't believe that religous beliefs should excuse people from the law. Go to the police. A court should be the one to decide what happens, they know about these people, about the chances of recommitting, etc.

                          Go to the police, seriously. Also, email service providers + facebook probably still have the data on their servers. The police can just let them know about the enquiry and ask for that data and they'll probably be able to easily hand it over.

                          Comment


                          • Though she may consider this to be an honorable and forgiving gesture, I also believe it to be wrong.

                            If it were I in her or your situation, I personally could not live with myself knowing that (God Forbid) some child gets assaulted by this nutcase, and she is injured/killed. I don't know of many who could.
                            Have you asked yourself that question? Can you live with knowing that "you could have done something about it, but didn't" because she asked you not to turn him in? Could she?

                            Is it a hard thing to do? Absolutely. Is it the right thing to do? ABSO-FLIPPIN- UTELY!

                            As Nira said, her focus thus far has been for him; and forgive me for saying this, but I'd much rather see him in prison or at least on the offenders list, and some young 14 year old safe.
                            I'd personally rather see any child abuser/woman abuser/sex offended with a bullet between their eyes, but that is another post.
                            Colorado

                            Comment


                            • ABSO-FLIPPIN- UTELY!
                              Can I use that?

                              I think when you get not one person saying,(including yourself) your doing the right thing by withholding this information, you know what you have to do....

                              Just wanted to add though, you also ensure your safety, ensure that the Police are aware that this man, has commented about "Mum not being home", how dangerous he may be is anyone's guess...I'm not trying to scare you, rather, let you know that you are JUST as important as those other young ladies out there, in this World.

                              CW
                              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                              Comment

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