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Am I overbearing?

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  • Am I overbearing?

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 1/2 years. I feel like we've been through it all. Ex problems, adult friend finder & many other similar sites, constant problems with other girls, porn obsessions, you name it- it's been in our past. (All his problems, I might point out.)

    Through everything, I've stayed with him. Of course, I do have trust issues, which I would say is appropriate considering our situation. Yes, it has been a while since has done anything "really bad", but I consider myself emotionally scarred and scared of history repeating itself. However, I do not constantly nag him about it or anything- just something I keep in the back of my mind in case something "sketchy" arises.

    Within the time we've been dating, he has had situations where he lies to me about where he is. Most of the time, I don't care where he is or what he's doing, as long as he isn't lying about it. In the past, he's told me he was "in bed" and I've gotten pocket dials or seen on his phone that he was actually out with friends, etc. I just wish he wouldn't lie.

    We now live together, so I thought it was obvious what he is and isn't doing. Well, yesterday he had to work. He told me that he went to work & came home. Today, his phone pocket dialed me and left a voicemail. It was rather lengthy so I was just listening to the beginning before deleting it. However, then I realized I could hear him talking to a coworker. He said, "I saw (male name)at the bar yesterday. I was going to go out there anyway, so (another male name) came with me. He..." and that's all I could hear. So, he lied. He went to the bar after work. I'm afraid that this means he has started lying again- so who knows what he's been lying about so far?

    I asked someone and they said I was overbearing. Do you think this is? It's quite alright to say that I am. I need to know in order to change. I don't know if I should confront him or let it go. I don't want to be that "crazy girlfriend", but I also don't want to be lied to. I'm also afraid that if I tell him I know, he'll be "more careful" not to let things slip in the future! Please help?

  • I am in no way a realtionship expert, but in my opinion, you have two choices. 1. Accept him for who he is, let him do what he wants, and don't ask him so many questions so he doesn't have to lie to you. 2. Leave, leave now. We don't want to change our man when we find the right one. I've been with mine for nine years now, requiring no kids made or vows written to stay together. If he goes out to the store, he is free to go whereever else he wants to go with no interrogation from me. We are all our own human beings, with the right to do whatever we want, where we want to do it, and for as long as we please. If you don't like where he prefers to spend his time, maybe you are still looking for your match?


    • I would say that labeling yourself as anything at this point is unfair. You are in a situation with someone who has proven to you, from the get go, who he is. And who he is, is dishonest, hides things from you, is inclined to talk with other women and cheat, etc. I've always heard "When someone tries to tell you who they are, listen to them.". He's telling you, just like he's told you in the past. "This is who I am. You can accept and live a life of insecurity, degredation, and lack of respect in which I will lie to you and make you think I'm being honest just so I can continue doing what I want without having to hear you nag. OR, you can decide you're worth more than that and are not willing to live your life that way...and when you do, I'll probably beg you to come back to me just because I hate to lose. I like to manipulate.".

      Of course you have trust issues. Most of us do to some extent. But really, who in your situation WOULDN'T have trust issues? He probably doesn't, right? Because he doesn't care enough to.

      You've let this relationship go too far as it is. Don't you think it's time to give yourself a chance instead of giving him chances, over and over and over, only to be disappointed?
      "Be what you're looking for."


      • Been there, done that. When you meet the right person, like Megalette says, you will slot into place and wont need to question his moves. You really arent being overbearing, but youre also not being true to yourself, you want to ask him why he is lying to you but you dont because youre worried that you'll push him away/come across as being controlling. You shouldnt be in that situation.

        BD's given you wonderful advice, I know it is difficult to hear, but do you really want to spend your days worrying about when he is lying to you and what/who about?

        Best of luck with your choices.


        • Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster View Post
          I've always heard "When someone tries to tell you who they are, listen to them."
          Excellent BD, well said! So many people fail to see the clear cut signs of who someone is through lack of understanding, generally being unaware or refusing to acknowledge the signs through their own inner problems.

          Cinbuns: I have been there, done that, worn the t-shirt and ironed it again ready to wear a third/fourth/fifth time.....It is a long road to disaster and believe me, there are no other roads.

          Have you considered your partner might be a pathological liar? Some people love the thrill of lies and deciets.....they live off the adrenaline and high....no matter how small a lie it is.

          On the other hand, if you nag someone too much, they may end up hiding even smaller things from you through the "treading on eggshells" scenario where they simply do not want to be nagged by you or gain your disapproval consent on what they are doing........so you may want to be careful about that one.

          You are not going to change this person and the highs and lows of what this guy is doing to you is not worth the pain it causes your soul. Time to go for me, he has shown who he is and I don't like it......and neither do you. Go take some time out to heal and find that special someone you know you can find.
          I am going to tell you what you don't want to hear!
          Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't


          • Everyone is right. I can't change him, that really is who he is and I do not like not being able to trust him. I really try not to nag him because as you said, he will only begin to hide even more things from me. I guess I just wish that there wasn't anything that he felt he needed to hide. It's really not as much where he is or who he is with, but the fact that he will lie about it and has no problem lying to my face. It's a two-way problem, my need for trust versus his need to hide the truth.


            • It's a two-way problem, my need for trust versus his need to hide the truth
              It's not a two way problem dear.... your need for trust is NOT a problem. That's very normal. We all want to trust. How do you think HE would feel if he caught you in some of the things you've caught him? No one likes to be lied to, no one likes to be deceived, and when you put your trust in someone and they throw it out the window, that's not your fault.

              Him needing to hide the truth, or as we call it where I'm from, his need to lie IS a problem. Lying will not benefit a relationship. We all know the difference between "no hun that doesn't make you look fat" and "no hun I'm not online on adult sites trying to meet other women".

              He's got you in a trap. A trap where he feels free to lie because you've gotten to the point where you fear saying anything to him afraid he'll lie more. So he lies, and you're busy trying to convince yourself you're crazy. Nope...you're just in a bad relationship with a guy that doesn't love you like you love him.

              Needing honesty and trust, and EXPECTING honesty and trust is not a problem, it's a GOOD thing.
              "Be what you're looking for."


              • I haven't been reading all the replies, so my points may have come up already.

                Anyways, his lying is his own issues. It's not like he's lying about forgetting to pay the bills one month or about doing the laundry one day. He's lying about WHERE HE IS. The most important thing that isn't being answered here is WHY?

                There has to be a reason behind why he is lying about his whereabouts. A normal lover would not feel in the least bit uncomfortable telling you he went out with his friends at the bar unless it was not completely innocent. Would YOU ever lie to him about going out with your friends?

                If he isn't doing anything wrong when he goes out, then he may be ansy about your reactions to when he does tell you he'll be away. What do you act like when he says he is going to do something? Do you get upset and yell or are you supportive? He may just be trying to avoid these adverse responses from you, aka it's easier to just do what he wants rather than arguing about it with you prior. This is the ONLY instance where I can see you contributing fault. His behavior otherwise is not something you need to internalize and beat yourself up on, especially given your past. He should be grateful he's found someone so accepting of his past and forgiving of the problems he's brought to the table for over 2 years.

                I would suggest just talking to him about WHY he lies and try to get an answer out of him about that in a calm manner. If you approach him when his guard is down, you'll probably be able to discern an honest answer from him vs. B.S.
                In the end, the king and the pawn both go into the same box.


                • I finally worked up the courage to just ask him about it. I was afraid that if I didn't, I'd just start wondering whether he was really at work every time he says he is now. I casually asked, "So, what'd you do this weekend?" (to give him a chance to fess up to anything he'd not mentioned before.) He said, "Oh, just worked." Then, he said the magic words, "Why, did you see me somewhere?" There went his chance! I was skeptical of this answer... so I simply told him the situation & he flipped out, yelling at me & going insane about how I was the crazy one for listening to the message in the first place. He tried to manipulate me into believing that I misheard the message, but I had it saved & it was quite clear. It finally blew over & I eventually was able to squeeze in the reason I was upset- he lied!

                  To answer your questions, no I do not say anything when he goes out with friends. I actually encourage it because I know how "bored' he gets at home! That's why I was so concerned- he's told me before, but this time he tried to hide it. His reasoning was vague, stating he "just didn't know" and he was "so sorry, never do it again"...blah, blah, blah. I'm still worried about why he asked if I saw him somewhere... very sketchy indeed.

                  Oh- and he goes out with his friends every weekend. That's another reason why it was strange!
                  Last edited by cinbuns; 05-03-2011, 10:36 PM.


                  • You have to know what result you want out of all this. You can blame him and try to catch him out with the lies all day long and convince everyone that he is a bad guy for the lies but what do you want out of it?

                    You know he is a liar time and time again, there is no point trying to prove that to yourself.......what you need to do is set yourself some boundaries of what you are prepared to take within the relationship and where the line should not be crossed or your willing to walk away.

                    Living without knowledge of what you want and are prepared to take is just a dead-end road for the pair of you with no future in sight and the prize of many sleepless nights and time wasted. Sit down with yourself first and highlight what you want and are prepared to take.

                    Your partner should be willing to listen to your concerns and be supportive....not yell and criticize you at every problem you highlight. That is not the actions of a loving trusting partner, it is arguably the actions of someone hiding something. Sit down and have a proper chat with him once you have figured out what you want and where the line cannot be past.......and make sure he knows if it does you will walk and be prepared to do so.

                    Or continue to live a life of misery. Your choice.
                    I am going to tell you what you don't want to hear!
                    Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't


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