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Ladies Opinion: What does 'No Chemistry' really mean?

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  • Ladies Opinion: What does 'No Chemistry' really mean?

    Well it's certainly great to be back here on the forums!

    I've been away from this site for a long time and, and as a man, have decided to return to help improve my dating skills and relationships with women.

    So I need a ladies opinion on something. What does a lady really mean when she says there is 'no chemistry'?

    I've been on a lot of dates over the last six months. I've met a lot of girls on-line, in bars, and out at social gatherings. What typically happens is that I get a girl's number, call her, set up a date, then take her out for a drink and/or some sort of activity (like go see a jazz band).

    These girls I date know what I look like and already know a little bit about me. And the strangest thing is that when the date finishes, I walk away feeling like I've had the most amazing time ever. The girl also comes across as though she had an amazing time too. Most times, I'll also kiss the girl half way through the date and the response is always positive. However, the next day I always receive a text saying that although they had an amazing time with me they felt no chemistry and therefore don't want to go out on another date again.

    I've received a lot of these texts and it's very frustrating to receive them - particularly after having such a good time out on the date itself. Naturally, I thought I was doing or saying something wrong that pushed the girls away. Or, I probably came across as trying too hard or was too serious. Over time though, I'm pretty sure I've weeded these issues out. On dates, my intention is to have fun with the girl and do random, spontaneous things that promote flirtatiousness. In terms of looks, I'm typically the most well dressed guy in a bar. I'm well groomed, have a great fashion sense and always get compliments on my confidence and style.

    Maybe I could be wrong here, but I've started to wonder if 'no chemistry' means something entirely different. I always thought that this line was a girl's way of saying "I'm not attracted to you" but now I'm not so sure. So is 'no chemistry'...

    1. A girl's way of saying "I'm not attracted to you".
    2. A line that is used to test a man to see if he will continue to chase.
    3. A term that has been used as part of advice in a female dating book that everyone's reading. <--- I ask this because the texts are coincidentally similar in their nature. Like they've been cut and pasted from somewhere.
    4. All of the above.
    5. Something else which I'm missing entirely.

    The other thing I haven't mentioned is that even though I get thrown the 'no chemistry' line, the girl always wants to stay in touch and remain friends. Right now, my Facebook profile is essentially a roll call of all the women I've dated over the last six months. Crazy!

    Would really appreciate some help and guidance on this. It's very frustrating receiving these texts (and getting throw into the friendzone).

    Hope you can help!

  • In my book, no chemistry means I'm not attracted to you, simple as that. After everything that has happened on our date I can't see this going anywhere. I'm not sure if I speak for many women or just myself, but typically I will only pursue a guy further after the first date if I can see myself with him for a prolonged amount of time. I would say that maybe they weren't into the kiss but typically that won't throw me off entirely. My first kiss with my current boyfriend didn't make time stop but there was still great chemistry there so I pursued him. There was an interest that I desired to pursue. You'll know when you meet a girl that's right for you. Just don't push anything!

    Comment


    • A kiss is important, I have been on many a date before and the kiss is cold, nothing, lip to lip.

      Passion. A woman want's passion and the kiss needs to reflect that ..

      I would say you are doing everything else right but the kiss is flat.

      I don't know what else to say, French kissing without the tongue? Passion.

      Welcome back.

      CW
      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

      Comment


      • I think no chemistry means no strong attraction. It's not really code for anything else. But since you said you kiss the girls about half way through the date, then maybe you're not letting the chemistry develop and the kiss is coming across as without passion. Chemistry and attraction can be there from the beginning, but it in many situations they can also require some time to develop. Maybe wait until closer to the end of the dates to go for the kiss. That could allow time for the desire to build up. If a girl kisses someone without being really into it, then it won't feel like much and she'll put you in the "nice, but no chemistry" category. Good luck.

        Comment


        • Personally I've always defined "no-chemistry" as I don't feel a "spark" between me and somebody. I don't feel the want to date them. I don't see or feel any potential for a dating relationship.

          I do personally believe you are rushing your first kiss with the woman. For the most part, women operate off of emotions. We feel things in a kiss. Whether it's romance, dull, like kissing your grandmother. Every person we kiss; we feel something towards them. And a part of that comes from knowing the person, the relationship we have with them, how comfortable we are with them.

          If it's mid-date and you're trying to get to really know someone and you kiss them too early, you're missing out on some structure that they need to be able to feel more with you.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by Element View Post
            Personally I've always defined "no-chemistry" as I don't feel a "spark" between me and somebody. I don't feel the want to date them. I don't see or feel any potential for a dating relationship.

            I do personally believe you are rushing your first kiss with the woman. For the most part, women operate off of emotions. We feel things in a kiss. Whether it's romance, dull, like kissing your grandmother. Every person we kiss; we feel something towards them. And a part of that comes from knowing the person, the relationship we have with them, how comfortable we are with them.

            If it's mid-date and you're trying to get to really know someone and you kiss them too early, you're missing out on some structure that they need to be able to feel more with you.
            This makes sense to me. Kissing at the right time, when the mood is high and there's passion in the air appears to be the theme of the responses. Not to mention the importance of the kiss itself.

            Many thanks for everyone's feedback. Much appreciated.

            Comment


            • No chemistry to me is no attraction.
              "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

              Comment


              • it means im not interested and not willing to give it even a shot......

                Comment


                • You did not mention, how many date you've had with these girls? If it is for one date only, I don't think Chemistry will be felt right away. My opinion is, chemistry is something that two people will feel once you have known each other already. And a day of talking won't suffice to know if both of you has this so called Chemistry. Most girls just use this word to tell guys in a nice way that they don't like the guy. that's it! That there is no attraction. That there is no magic at all.

                  Comment


                  • Hi guys,

                    Thanks for the responses so far however, I need to work out how to fix this 'no chemistry' issue. I got out a lot and, subsequently, go on a lot of dates. If a girl is not attracted to me then why is she out with me on a date in the first place? This problem is really killing me at the moment and my phone is full of texts from girls who have given me the 'no chemistry' line after the first or second date.

                    Here are a couple of things that occur when I'm on dates;

                    1. During the first or second date, I find it very very hard to build and emotional connection with a woman. No matter what I say or do I just can't break through her emotional shields. This really annoys me because it's a primary factor that leads to the 'no chemistry' issue.

                    2. With all the women I've met over the last few years, very few of them have ever taken an interest in me as a person as I never get asked any personal questions. This particularly happens on dates. Even when I do get into relationship mode with a woman, they never take an interest in my family, friends, hobbies, career, life history. It implies they're not interested in getting to know the real me which I find very depressing. This also occurs when I try to open up to them or ask questions about them as a person. They just shut off and change topics.

                    3. Lastly, call it a bad mindset or something, but when I'm on dates, or meet women generally, I always feel like I have to impress the woman. Never the other way around. Women give me the impression that I'm not good enough for them and that I have to work hard for their attention. Maybe it's just me but a lot of this mindset comes from the questions they ask and their body language.

                    So, to all the dating gurus out there, how do I overcome these problems? I'd really appreciate some help here. For background, I'm a 35 year old male who has hit a glass ceiling in his dating life. There is nothing more disheartening that being told 'sorry, no chemistry' by a lady who I'm interested in romantically. How can I overcome these problems and what things can I do/ say that will build a strong emotional connection with someone?

                    Comment


                    • Perhaps breaking the trend. You seem to be going after the same types of women, based on the same grounds, and are getting the same result. Perhaps try meeting a woman at a different venue than you originally do. You say that you have hobbies, try meeting a woman who has the same hobby as you. That right there is a common ground for you two.

                      There is also the option to make friends with the woman first. That way you know what kind of a person that she is, information about her; and then see if there is dating potential between the two of you.

                      Comment


                      • I’m having trouble making sense of this too. So you’re getting the dates, but then something goes wrong during the date and its ends there. Sounds like you’re not doing anything wrong conversation wise or behavior wise, but are you coming across as very arrogant? Are you coming across as a player? Women can sense that pretty quickly.

                        Otherwise, it’s gotta’ be the type of women you’re dating. For a woman to not even be interested in finding out about you, your person, your interests doesn’t make sense. That’s what dates are for, to find out about the other person. What type of women are you going out with? Are they all the same? Are they very young and perhaps lose interest quickly if there’s not much in common? Do you just go after someone who's hot, but overlook personality? It has to be something in either the quality of women you're dating or the way you're coming off to them.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by HisGirl View Post
                          I’m having trouble making sense of this too.
                          You and I both. It happens all the time. Every date I go on ends in a 'no chemistry' response via text.

                          Originally posted by HisGirl View Post
                          So you’re getting the dates, but then something goes wrong during the date and its ends there. Sounds like you’re not doing anything wrong conversation wise or behavior wise, but are you coming across as very arrogant? Are you coming across as a player? Women can sense that pretty quickly.
                          This could certainly be the problem. How would I know if I'm coming across as arrogant or a player? I'm a pretty down to earth person but certainly have ambitions and goals in life. I certainly hope I'm not giving away these types of vibes. What would be some key indicators here that would turn off a lady's interest?

                          Originally posted by HisGirl View Post
                          Otherwise, it’s gotta’ be the type of women you’re dating. For a woman to not even be interested in finding out about you, your person, your interests doesn't make sense. That’s what dates are for, to find out about the other person. What type of women are you going out with? Are they all the same? Are they very young and perhaps lose interest quickly if there’s not much in common? Do you just go after someone who's hot, but overlook personality? It has to be something in either the quality of women you're dating or the way you're coming off to them.
                          Yes, it doesn't make sense. After the date is over I feel the lady learned absolutely nothing about me even though I mention my interests and passions. I don't go for just hotties or anything like that either. I'm attracted to women who have similar goals and values as myself, have common interests, love travelling and are cultured etc etc. And yes, personality is important to me. In terms of age, they're all within my age bracket (35 y.o) or slightly younger.

                          The only other thing a friend has suggested is that it could be something physical, like bad breath, body odour or something like that. I'm pretty well groomed and dress very sharp, plus I wear a favorite Armani cologne when I go out. And yes, I also brush my teeth as well.

                          Happy to hear suggestions. All my male friends are completely lost on this one as I am. I'm also at the point where I've asked the dates for feedback afterwards but I feel I never get an honest response. Responses include; 'not my type', 'don't think we clicked the way I wanted to', 'the feelings weren't' there for me'. Not sure if they're throw away lines to be polite or if they're actually genuine.

                          Comment


                          • Ok, I’ll give it a shot Mr. Darcy.

                            So for the arrogance/player thing, some flags would be, are you overly complimentary? I mean for example, if she's average looking, but you're telling her she's gorgeous (at least on a first date) she'll see through that. We know what we are and we know what we're not. I’m not saying compliments aren’t valued, but someone who’s not being genuine will go overboard with them. Another flag would be if you were talking about a future very early on, ie. all the places you want to take her, future planning, that could come across as trying too hard and put you in that player category.

                            Bragging often comes across as arrogance. If you're well-traveled and well read, and you like the finer things in life and you talk about that a lot during your dates, she could think you're showing off. I'm not criticizing, don't get me wrong, but there's a hint of bragging in your posts here, (Armani cologne, dressing sharp, dates lots of women), and you might be coming off that way in conversation also without even realizing you’re doing it. Dropping label names, etc. can make you look like your trying too hard or are materialistic. If you’re dating quality, mature women, they might get turned off by that kind of thing.

                            It seems like you have high standards. There's nothing wrong with having high standards, ambitions and goals like you say you do, but if she thinks she won't be able to live up to your standards, maybe she believes she’s not educated or cultured enough for you, then she might take herself out of the game and just tell you you’re not her type or give you the no chemistry thing.

                            If you’re telling her all about yourself and they’re getting turned off, then there has to be something you’re telling her that they're not liking. How about making these first dates all about them? Find out about her interests, be the listener. Save your stuff for a second date?

                            This isn’t supposed to be a laundry list of what you may be doing wrong, I’m sorry if it comes across that way. I really don’t know you and this is all guesses of course. I’m sure you’re great and all, its really hard to speculate, but I doubt it has anything to do with oral hygiene or grooming, lol!

                            Comment


                            • I'm another guy that's had the same problem recently. I've met a few girls online, we found each other attractive enough to start talking, had great conversations via text and email, and then went out on a date. Talked for hours, got along well, had a lot in common, but at the end of the night I got a handshake, and then a text saying she didn't feel any chemistry. As far as looks go, she was entirely within my 'league', actually a bit thicker than I usually go for, but it was in the right places, and combined with her personality, I found her attractive, and personally I wouldn't spend several hours after a dinner talking to someone if I didn't feel any chemistry, so her response was a bit perplexing for me. I think some good advice though (or at least some things I think I've done wrong in the past) is to:

                              A. Talk as little as possible unless asked a question. Women like to talk, they like to be listened to, and they like attention. I think that as guys, we're conditioned for conversations that involve even exchanges and one-upmanship. Women tend to prefer uneven exchanges, where you are primarily an attentive listener. Also, women like a bit of mystery, so try not to reveal too much about yourself at first. Give them enough information to keep wanting to come back for more. If you tell them too much about yourself, they'll assume they know you, and if they don't feel like the rabbit hole gets any deeper, they won't venture down it.

                              B. Limit conversation about friends. Think about if for a bit. Is what you do with your guy friends the same stuff that you would do with you're girlfriend? Is what you and your guy friends think is awesome and hilarious the same as what she'll think is awesome and hilarious? Probably not. Telling too many stories about past exploits with friends can maker her tune out, and make you seem immature. Think about when a girl tells you a story about an 'amazing' time she had with her friends. Its probably kind of lame by your standards. That's a two lane highway, most of your stories are probably lame by her standards. That's why you don't get rid of your friends once you're in a relationship.

                              C. Put some thought into the beverage you order. If she doesn't order an alcoholic beverage, you should probably refrain from ordering one as well. Sure she may enjoy drinking, and you may too, but some girls find it a turn off if you order an alcoholic beverage on a first date, or they may see it as some kind of 'red flag'.

                              D. Watch your posture and body language, attempt to reciprocate hers

                              As for what chemistry really means, I guess that depends on how cynical you want to be. To me, an analogy that helped put things in perspective is if you think of chemistry as a frequency, and then think of FM radio. If a radio station is playing a song you love, will you listen to it even if the station is losing signal and there's tons of static? Probably not. To me that's what a 'lack of chemistry' is. You may overall like the other person, but you're just on two different wavelengths.

                              Of course the Cynical side of the equation is that Chemistry could just be here way of saying "I'm a girl on an internet dating site, and I'm also talking to like 10 other guys, and while I think you're ok, I also think I can do better with relatively low effort"

                              Comment

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