Relationship Threatened? What should I do?

[secret0524]

Yesterday I had a talk with my boyfriend of 3 months about the issues that have been bothering us but honestly I couldn't help but feel offended by a few of the things he said. Sorry this post will be long!

1. He has always constantly been having problems with my guy friends and seems to never trust me yet he goes on 1 on 1 hang outs with some of his lady friends. I have a good number of guy friends but have been less social with them ever since I started dating him. When I do hang out with them at their house parties (I'm always sober too) he gets mad even if all the guests are people or good friends of those people I've been close to for almost 3 years now. And the lady friend he is particularly close to is a mutual friend of ours but I have a hard time trusting her because 1. She previously flirted with my best friend's boyfriend and 2. Has a thing for older guys (she's 17 my bf is 20). He has a large number of lady friends and he hangs out with them one on one like this girl but I do give him my trust on this. However, I cannot understand how my social hangout is any more worse than his one on one with his lady friends and refuses the trust. Because of this my group of friends find him insecure and also have felt that I can do better.

2. He also stated that my social life with that group of friends is a bad influence to both me and him. He even states that I am even a bad influence to him so I asked if he wants to end things with me but he said that he doesn't want to lose me and want to "help me out". But the problem is part of who I've become. I'm a very social person unlike him and have been close with outgoing group of friends whose academia is not top priority. My grades have been falling tremendously and so did his. But I don't think they're the bigger issue. I also have other factors that have been a stronger problem than my friends such as being forced to put workload of 2 people at a school organization due to my partner's neglect in our roles and rise in involvement and drama within my dance group. I know we are not the most similar people but this one I could not help but feel condescended by his remarks.

3. He also tells me that I am basically trashy and that I need to "have some class". On top of that, he even compares to me his more "sophisticated, classier" friends. Yes they're very proper but they're also from a well-off background and never have any fun like most college students do (house parties, clubbing, etc). I may dance "inappropriately" at a club because I have been dancing for years and it's something I do with my girl friends for girls night out but I never actively seek out guys and am literally circled by my lady friends who know I am uncomfortable with men. I live in a very liberal state where most people do crazier things because it's legal and he's from a very conservative state area living in the state I am from because of college. However I am unable to come up with a compromise on this point especially after I felt offended by his comparison and remarks.

I do admit he did have some good points that I do need to be more sensitive and take things more seriously at times but I could not help but feel rest of the other points (the 3 points mentioned above) were very offensive and even condescending as if he thinks he is a lot better than I am. He also asserts that he is saying these things to help not hurt me but I can't help but feel hurt. Do you think there will be any hope of coming up with a solution with these issues without changing too much of who I am? I felt that some of his requests do involve a LOT of that to accommodate his needs but I don't feel that this is quite right.

[Euphoric]

On point #1

He has always constantly been having problems with my guy friends and seems to never trust me yet he goes on 1 on 1 hang outs with some of his lady friends.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. You two have only been dating for three months and there are already trust issues. He's gets mad, doesn't approve, when you hang out when friends you have known for 3 years. Dating is where you learn about each other. Is he jealous, self-centered, and/or chauvinistic. How does he justify hanging out one on one with a female, yet judges you for doing the same? Does he think he is more honest and honorable than you? Have you given him a reason to distrust you?

Point 2:

He also stated that my social life with that group of friends is a bad influence to both me and him. He even states that I am even a bad influence to him so I asked if he wants to end things with me but he said that he doesn't want to lose me and want to "help me out".

Are your friends good people? Why does he believe they are a bad influence? If your friends are pressuring you to engage in activities that are harmful or illegal, maybe they aren't a good influence. Do you think he really does want to help you or control you?

I'm a very social person unlike him and have been close with outgoing group of friends whose academia is not top priority.

By this, I gather your grades aren't at the top of your priority list either and you tend to place more emphasis and energy into partying and having fun. Is this the crux of the problem he has with your friends? If so, he may have a valid point. Sometimes when we are too close to a situation we can't look at things objectively. You admit your grades have tanked, yet you don't seem to think that's the bigger issue. In this regard, it sounds like he is setting goals to achieve in order to be successful and he is interested in a partner with similar goals.

I also have other factors that have been a stronger problem than my friends such as being forced to put workload of 2 people at a school organization due to my partner's neglect in our roles and rise in involvement and drama within my dance group. I know we are not the most similar people but this one I could not help but feel condescended by his remarks.

I don't understand this statement. "You are forced to put in double the work load for school organizations due to your partner's neglect" - are you saying that you and your BF are involved in the same organizations at school but he is doesn't pull his weight or contribute equally?

He also tells me that I am basically trashy and that I need to "have some class".

I may dance "inappropriately" at a club because I have been dancing for years and it's something I do with my girl friends for girls night out but I never actively seek out guys and am literally circled by my lady friends who know I am uncomfortable with men.

You acknowledge inappropriate dancing, which I'm assuming is provocative. You may not be actively seeking out guys, and you may be amongst your lady friends, but you must know you draw the attention of men.

From what you have described, you both come from very different backgrounds and upbringing. Whether a compromise can be reached depends on how much each of you want this relationship to work. Is it possible that you feel inferior? We don't know the dynamics of the relationship and what your backgrounds are, other than what you've posted. As best I can decipher, he comes from a well-to-do family and you haven't been as privileged. If that is the case, coming from a lower or middle class family doesn't mean you can't work things out. You can choose to further your education, and place some priority on your grades while still hanging out with friends. With my limited insight, you are experiencing freedom for the first time and your priority seems more focused on having fun. There is nothing wrong with having fun, but you need to find balance and prioritize what's in your best interest for your future.

These questions I have asked are for you to reflect on. Be honest with yourself. Your answers will guide you to finding the answers you seek.

Best Wishes!

[secret0524]

[QUOTE=Euphoric;386669]On point #1
Does he think he is more honest and honorable than you? Have you given him a reason to distrust you?

Reason he has a problem in terms of trust with me is because I have been hit on even when we are going out and that had been new guy friends I just met through either organization I have been involved in or somebody from the same class. But I do not trust the girl because of the way she acted in front of my friend's boyfriend and he has seen it too but dismisses it.

Point 2:




Are your friends good people? Why does he believe they are a bad influence? If your friends are pressuring you to engage in activities that are harmful or illegal, maybe they aren't a good influence. Do you think he really does want to help you or control you?

They do not do anything illegal they just tend to hang out in social settings very often.


By this, I gather your grades aren't at the top of your priority list either and you tend to place more emphasis and energy into partying and having fun.
^ this one actually has been more recent but I've been a lot more social lately because a friend is moving away to a different part of the country. Even then I do have a degree of priority. I study the week of midterms and two weeks before for finals and pass all my classes. I had this lifestyle even worse my freshman year and that haven't affected my grades before. It was in fact a lot higher.



I don't understand this statement. "You are forced to put in double the work load for school organizations due to your partner's neglect" - are you saying that you and your BF are involved in the same organizations at school but he is doesn't pull his weight or contribute equally?
^ No. This is a different thing. I have been part of a university organization where I am in a leadership position and I have a partner (not my boyfriend) who shares my roles with me. That partner hasn't done anything all year and the whole organization has been relying on me to carry that job by myself because of his neglect. Because of that I have been having double the work. This has been particularly time consuming and I have quit that job as a result for next year after finishing a year of commitment.

You acknowledge inappropriate dancing, which I'm assuming is provocative. You may not be actively seeking out guys, and you may be amongst your lady friends, but you must know you draw the attention of men.
^ I do watch my surroundings carefully regarding this issue and keep that in mind but these nights has been rare since my boyfriend only calls me to see him at like 11 PM to watch a couple episodes of a TV show and cuddle naked (because he keeps pushing for that despite my initial discomfort). He has been pushing towards having sex (we are both virgins). I still am very unsure with this because I did have previous thoughts that he was only using me for sex because he was very pushy and went against my refusal with me in terms of being touchy and be more exposed when we are alone.
I honestly have been finding this show watching and cuddling pretty boring and have been hanging out with my usual group of friends to have fun different from his definition of it. He doesn't seem to enjoy karaoke, dancing, or ice skating like my other friends do. Not a very "active" person.


Is it possible that you feel inferior?
^ this is actually my main issue with him not because of the upbringing but because of the way he puts me down in his words. He has previously called me a "********" and also talked down on my past activities like being in a high school cheerleading team. He also basically calls me "trashy", "bad influence" and other insults that seem to be basically a slap in the face. I know he means well that he wants me to change these things about me but the way he presents it makes me feel put down as if I'm not good enough for anybody or anything. It makes me wonder why he even stays with me in the first place.

There is nothing wrong with having fun, but you need to find balance and prioritize what's in your best interest for your future.
^ despite what I said before this is something I have been trying to work on over the summer because one of my most important years in college is coming up. This is something we have talked about and are going to work on for both sides.

Thank you for your input. I am planning to use this summer to reflect and work on with the relationship. I am
Trying to take an account on other's words as well because I had no previous relationship experiences.

[Motorguy]

Yesterday I had a talk with my boyfriend of 3 months about the issues that have been bothering us but honestly I couldn't help but feel offended by a few of the things he said. Sorry this post will be long!

1. He has always constantly been having problems with my guy friends and seems to never trust me yet he goes on 1 on 1 hang outs with some of his lady friends. I have a good number of guy friends but have been less social with them ever since I started dating him. When I do hang out with them at their house parties (I'm always sober too) he gets mad even if all the guests are people or good friends of those people I've been close to for almost 3 years now. And the lady friend he is particularly close to is a mutual friend of ours but I have a hard time trusting her because 1. She previously flirted with my best friend's boyfriend and 2. Has a thing for older guys (she's 17 my bf is 20). He has a large number of lady friends and he hangs out with them one on one like this girl but I do give him my trust on this. However, I cannot understand how my social hangout is any more worse than his one on one with his lady friends and refuses the trust. Because of this my group of friends find him insecure and also have felt that I can do better.

2. He also stated that my social life with that group of friends is a bad influence to both me and him. He even states that I am even a bad influence to him so I asked if he wants to end things with me but he said that he doesn't want to lose me and want to "help me out". But the problem is part of who I've become. I'm a very social person unlike him and have been close with outgoing group of friends whose academia is not top priority. My grades have been falling tremendously and so did his. But I don't think they're the bigger issue. I also have other factors that have been a stronger problem than my friends such as being forced to put workload of 2 people at a school organization due to my partner's neglect in our roles and rise in involvement and drama within my dance group. I know we are not the most similar people but this one I could not help but feel condescended by his remarks.

3. He also tells me that I am basically trashy and that I need to "have some class". On top of that, he even compares to me his more "sophisticated, classier" friends. Yes they're very proper but they're also from a well-off background and never have any fun like most college students do (house parties, clubbing, etc). I may dance "inappropriately" at a club because I have been dancing for years and it's something I do with my girl friends for girls night out but I never actively seek out guys and am literally circled by my lady friends who know I am uncomfortable with men. I live in a very liberal state where most people do crazier things because it's legal and he's from a very conservative state area living in the state I am from because of college. However I am unable to come up with a compromise on this point especially after I felt offended by his comparison and remarks.

I do admit he did have some good points that I do need to be more sensitive and take things more seriously at times but I could not help but feel rest of the other points (the 3 points mentioned above) were very offensive and even condescending as if he thinks he is a lot better than I am. He also asserts that he is saying these things to help not hurt me but I can't help but feel hurt. Do you think there will be any hope of coming up with a solution with these issues without changing too much of who I am? I felt that some of his requests do involve a LOT of that to accommodate his needs but I don't feel that this is quite right.

Being a father to 4 daughters and three went through college so far.I know what go's on in college. So i am not going to be some high and mighty parent and say this or that is bad. Now what i do read in your post that your relationship is like throwing gasline on a fire they both don't mix.I do see no hope for this relationship will ever work out that is my opinion with all this. To me you both being childish maybe more him then you as he's being a jealous spoil brat comes to my mind.Myself you need to focus on your school work and graduate then worried about what parties are going on and or my boy friends is jealous on who i talk with and where i go to party with my friends really.Now my daughter enjoy them self in college but I never had to worry they was almost flunking out because they spent more time worried about clubbing and frat house parties or boy friends and so on.They had fun in college they did there school work now they are college grads 2 are mothers and have successful working careers. All i am saying you don't need this soap opera drama in your young adult life. Get out of this relationship now and do your school work it's why you went to college in the first place. To get that good job after graduating not to party till you drop there's no career in that but only heart aches.

[Euphoric]

Hmm…this makes me wonder. Is he putting you down, calling you names, referring to you in a belittling way thinking that you may "put out" to get in his good graces.

Any guy who belittles you, tries to stomp your self-esteem, etc. doesn't deserve you. That is a form of abuse! And you do not deserve that. In light of your answers, I think he is trash talking your friends to get more alone time with you, still with one goal in mind, getting inside of you.

As far as dropping the organization responsibility, good for you. If someone is getting credit and doing nothing but causing you stress and more work, it's time to make an adjustment.

You have stated several times that your BF puts you down, calls you names. This is the deal - people are typically on their best behavior while dating. If he treats you like that now, after ONLY 3 MONTHS, it's only going to get worse. You may be better off dumping this jerk. He is tearing and pulling you down, little by little. ABUSE! That is not the life you want or deserve. The questions were for self reflection, but by answering them, you shed much more light on his true character, and it isn't pretty. Never allow anyone to put you down. Don't give them that kind of power. Stand up for yourself. Realize what you want and deserve. He is not it!

[Euphoric]

Sorry,

Another thing I failed to mention - when a person cares about you, they don't try to change you. They want to become a part of your life, to be incorporated in your experiences. When someone wants to change everything about you, they don't care about you, they care about you being what they envision. He needs to find that somewhere else.

[atskitty2]

I agree with the others. I think if this is the tone of the relationship in the "glow" of 3 months, you need to seriously think about dumping him.
You said that you had no previous relationship experience? So, you have nothing to compare to or draw from any other experiences. Sweetie, just let me tell you basically, this is NOT how the first 3 months of a relationship should be progressing.
You said he's called you trash, and you wonder why he stays with you if he thinks you're trash. My question is, why do you stay with him? How do you respond when he says you're trash? Do you stand up to him?

I see so much here, as I'm sure the others do too, that makes me cringe. What are the positive attributes that attracted you to him?

[Claret]

Just a couple of questions.
Are you happy with yourself?
Are you happy with your grades - could you do better?
Are you happy with him knowing that he thinks your less than perfect and on the trashy side?
Are you happy with him knowing that he thinks your friends are no good?
Why are you with him?

[jen1447]

It's funny, he sounds like he's trying to make you into him basically. Because obviously he has it all together. If I were you I'd turn the tables on him and dump him as a favor. Seriously, humility is an essential, so give him that gift.