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Realizing that you're in the wrong city for dating and relationships

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  • Realizing that you're in the wrong city for dating and relationships

    Those who know me are aware that I took a job out of state just to be on my own. I wanted freedom, and didn't bother to evaluate the city's culture that I was moving to. After a few years, I've realized that I'm better off going back to my hometown next month. There's no point in staying here forever.

    The area that I live in now is notoriously known for being rude, stand-offish, puritanical, and cliquish. Having talked to other people from out-of-state, they have made the same observation an. Google searches are also filled with complaints on this city being tough for making friends and dating. A person here may not intentionally want to be mean, but their gruff mannerisms can be uncomfortable to someone that was raised to be polite and hospitable. A native person here may see my personality as "weak", but it's the norm where I grew up. Even if I tried to be the abrasive, road-raging, heavy-drinking, and sports-loving type, it would feel FAKE.

    I just visited a country in Southern europe and took note of how different the men were. What I saw in just one week in Europe isn't what I saw during the five years that I lived in my current town. The men in the European country just LOVE women. Just step out on the street, and they smile, start a conversation, offer to help, make eye-contact, and will compliment. It was so EASY to connect/conversate with them, even if they didn't speak English well. I didn't get an angry, stand-offish or complaining vibe from the men in the European country that I visited. Yeah, a week isn't enough to see the negative traits of a country. But, it was a breath of fresh air compared to seeing male road-ragers in the current town that I live in.

    Someone could say, "Maybe it's YOU! There are good people everywhere." Sure, there are nice people here. I still feel that a town's culture can be more harsh than other places. There are some men here that hit on you, ask for your number or take you out on a date. But, it's just NOT the right fit.

    I'm both happy and relieved to move back to my hometown, where living expenses are much cheaper, family support is right around the corner, old friends are there to connect with and introduce to more friends, roads are easy to drive in, and people value a warm and friendly demeanor.

    Have you had a similar experience, where you realized that you were in the wrong city? Did you easily click with other people when you moved?
    "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

  • I grew up in a country town, fairly small & depressed economically. There are great people there, and then, of course some horrible people there. I've been away from my home town for 19 years now. I now live in a bigger city, and whether it's the time I've been away or the fact that it really isn't right for me, but I could never go back to my home town to live. I've considered it a few times, especially over the last couple of years, with aging parents & such. I don't always feel like I fit in here in the city either, but it's a better fit for me than "home".

    I think cities & towns DO have a character, a culture all their own and sometimes it just doesn't fit our own nature or personality. Some day I will probably move away from here, but not likely back "home".

    It's interesting you comment on the European men you encountered. I've had a fair amount of interaction with Europeans, both younger generations & older. What my own experience has been is that they are very chivalrous, very gentlemanly, but they are a bit 1950's-like in their attitude toward a "woman's place". I know many more Eastern Europeans, however, and that could be what's flavored my observations most. W Europe is more modern-more like our own culture.
    Don't mistake my comment tho - my observation has not been that even the Eastern Europeans want their women home, barefoot & pregnant-not that manner of thinking. It's just a sense of "less-than" on the woman's part in their relationships. It is a cultural difference, but I do find some of the behaviour disrespectful toward women. I respect them tho, because it IS their culture, upbringing & their women are accepting - don't share my views.

    And interesting enough, I find it very attractive. I realize I feel that way because I've come out of a relationship w/a man who couldn't decide on mustard or mayo...so a man who has leadership & takes an active part in his own destiny & the direction of his relationship, I find very sexy. Probably that isn't a good fit for me either...but I guess I seek that which was lacking previously.

    Interesting topic. I have met very few men in this city worthy of dating for any extended period of time. Not sure if that's me & my expectations or the "vibe" of the dating scene here in my age range. It's probably me

    Comment


    • Hi, atskitty- yes, I dated an Eastern European years ago. He also didn't like the town that I live in now. When I took him to my hometown to meet my family, he liked it there better! What I liked about him was that he knew how to court, plan dates and was clearly interested in a long term relationship. He also helped me with cooking and household chores. After a year, we realized we weren't compatible. Since I'm not a domineering partner, I don't mind a man giving his input, as long as two people respect each other. I have also been called too girly in my current town, but I'm more comfortable with being feminine. The men in Europe made me feel okay for just being myself . In my current city, it has been a struggle to connect and follow through.
      "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

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      • I'd love to know what your current city is. I had, at one point before, wondered what it would be like to date in other cities. However; living in LA, you sort of already get a sample of everything. We have a lot of ethnically diverse people, but we also get a lot of people from all over the country as well (Midwest, east coast etc).
        [B]"Are you serious? You're [i]bleeping[/I] THAT girl?"[/B][B] - [COLOR="#B22222"]jen1447[/COLOR][/B]

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        • Something_Awesome-I'm in boston currently. My family is in Chicago, which is where I'm going back to next month. My family is from India originally. Here in Boston, I've received some comments from others that men are weary of dating Indian women, but the man that told me that may have been just trying to plant seeds of self-doubt. Still, I'm more comfortable in a city where people aren't afraid to approach and smile. Chicago has more than enough of that. Italy, where I visited, has plenty of that as well. I think location also matters, if you're a minority that's open to inter-racial dating.
          "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

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          • Addition-The man that told me that white men are scared of dating Indian women needs to go Italy. They aren't scared of ethnic women over there!
            "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

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            • Larger cities are many times, more diverse. I was in Chicago in the late 70's and there wasn't much racial mixing at that time. It probably has changed.
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              ...
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

              Comment


              • Originally posted by jns View Post
                Larger cities are many times, more diverse. I was in Chicago in the late 70's and there wasn't much racial mixing at that time. It probably has changed.
                I have some Indian friends in Chicago that are inter-racially married. Boston is supposed to be a "liberal and big city", but I feel puritanical roots are strong here. Even the way how people dress in certain Massachusetts towns are quite pilgrimish. Chicago isn't puritanical/pilgrimish at all.
                "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                Comment


                • Chicago is a great city though, at one point not too long ago, it was one of the most segregated. Now I think it's my city, the Detroit Metropolitan area which holds that distinction. However, us Midwesterners are much more friendly then the people on either coasts.

                  I think part of the issue with inter-cultural dating is that the Indian family/community is so close-knit. The cultural taboo seems akin to Jewish or Catholic families dating inter-culturally. One of my former colleagues, a beautiful, young professional Indian woman, first generation American, would date diverse men but only considered marrying a man of Indian descent.

                  As the Indian community grows, inter-cultural dating and marriage will be common place.
                  "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

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                  • I wonder if white American men are hesitant to approach. I have been told that I do give off an approachable energy by others, because I do believe in smiling and making eye contact. I was just told by a co worker that Italian men are scummy, but I didn't get that vibe from them. I just liked their confidence to say hello. I've also heard some women today are offended at a man complimenting them? As long as you're not groping me or being disrespectful, I'm not going to shun you for putting in some effort. I do have some female friends that prefer to approach, ask men out and be the dominant partner, but that doesn't work for me.
                    "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

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                    • I really doubt that there's any demonstrable tendency in white American men overall to be reluctant to approach Indian women. For myself, I wouldn't hesitate except for the normal reasons (with someone etc.) or if she was in a cultural setting where it would seem like I'd be intruding.
                      [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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                      • I would like to think so as well. The man that told me that white men are scared of Indian women ironically liked me, but I didn't see him as a long term partner. He drank too much alcohol, called women c********nts, and struggled with getting a job. Since boston people are generally stand offish, I would sometimes would wonder if it's my skin color. The fact is that it's probably just the people's demeanor.
                        "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

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                        • He was probably just covering for his own problems. Are you looking for a white guy?
                          [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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                          • Jen-I'm open, but I don't want to limit myself to Indians only. I will say that I connected better with my Eastern European ex than my Indian ex. I did feel strong attraction for the young men in Italy as well (tall, thin and dark-haired)
                            "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

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                            • I think it's fun to go outside the 'normal' bounds from time to time. You should have no trouble in general finding people to date hon. Try out one of each!
                              [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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