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Needy or normal?

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  • Needy or normal?

    I hope both men & women will provide thoughts & experiences on this. I'm beginning to wonder if it's ME, rather than THEM!

    As you all know, I'm dating & the level of development of the relationships is one of getting to know each other, from my perspective. One guy lasted 6 weeks or so, another around a month or so...nothing sexual in either.
    I've felt in both these relationships that there was an "urgency" with the men, in the sense that they wanted things to "move along" more quickly, and more to my point of contention, have this need for attention beyond what I'm comfortable providing in a newly developing, non-committed relationship. The most recent guy complained of my non-communication, if it took me a few hours to respond to his msgs or I didn't answer a phone call.
    This is the main reason I ended it. I explained to him, more than once, that I do not check my phone constantly-and cannot check it at work and it's unreasonable to expect me to be available at all times...

    This past weekend, I had a very nice first date. The date went well, lots of meaningful discussion & joking fun too. I had a great time, he said he did too & wanted to see me again. I agreed.
    We parted after a whopping 5 hours together.

    We chatted daily since. He reiterated his interest, a couple times, I reassured him of my continued interest as well. Second date was to be this evening. He knew I had to work today, but sent a msg this morning to ask, again, if I still want to see him tonight. I was already at work, didn't get the msg til nearly 5 when I was leaving work. Between 4-5, he sent a few msgs, which seemed to indicate growing frustration that I'd not answered, and the last one said he was going golfing.
    So, around 5, I texted him & told him OK, I was just leaving work.

    In my mind, he ditched me. I know even 9 holes of golf are at least 2.5-3 hours on the courses in our area. The tone of the msgs was, "I'm not hearing from you so I'm going to do something else." I got the sense that he thought I was ditching HIM, so he was showing that it didn't bother him any, he's going golfing anyway...

    I feel that if he'd wanted to see me, he'd have waited at least until 5 before he got involved elsewhere, knowing I was at work.

    We did confirm late last night (around 12am) that we were going out tonight, so I just didn't think we needed to do an hourly check to reaffirm plans...idk.

    In fairness, we did not set a time to meet. But he does know I never leave work before 4:30 on my day shifts. I realize this is my perspective, and I would like unbiased opinions, which I couldn't really get unless we had his perspective too, but I'm curious.

    Thoughts?

  • He did ditch you. He should have followed Pink Floyd's description from "Time": "Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way." I am like you, I turn my hours into money for my employer. For continuing to have a job, I don't spend company time on personal business unless there is an emergency. And I would never play golf instead of spending time with a new young lady that I really like. Even though you spent 5 hours together the first time, I'm not sure that he is that into you. I would have hung on until a few hours after the official date time. After that, it would have taken a good and truthful explanation to start to undo the damage.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • I agree. He sent a msg saying he just thought we would meet afterward. No thanks

      Thx jns. Appreciate your opinion.

      I think I would end up a golf widow anyway. Our first date was golf, and he's played golf every day I've been talking to him! Lol.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
        I feel that if he'd wanted to see me, he'd have waited at least until 5 before he got involved elsewhere, knowing I was at work.
        I'd have waited until at least 5; in fact, at least an hour beyond. You made a date the night before. I see no need for hourly confirmations. The matter was already decided. As I see it, he simply broke the date and had the temerity to, in effect, blame you, when you were faultless.

        The guy comes across as a bit of an immature dolt. And, besides, why be a golf widow?
        I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

        Comment


        • Thx baboy. Much appreciated.

          Comment


          • As you have discovered, lots of men are incredibly insecure. It goes one of two ways with the insecure: the guy is so insecure that he needs to constantly know that you still like him or, he is wants to know that you know how great he is. This one needed to be stroked and when he was not the center of your attention, he decided to play games with you.

            The urgency is an issue which baffled me when I dated in between my divorce and getting together with my current SO. One woman was baffled when we didn't have sex on our first date (heck we didn't even kiss) and said so on the second date (which was the last). I probably scared her off when I said I needed an emotional connection and a relationship before we got intimate. What's the hurry?

            Somehow, I think many people in their 40s and 50s don't want to go through the rigors of dating before sex . . . or worse, want sex first before figuring out whether there can be a relationship. You will find the right right mix of humility and ego.
            "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

            Comment


            • Somehow, I think many people in their 40s and 50s don't want to go through the rigors of dating before sex . . . or worse, want sex first before figuring out whether there can be a relationship. You will find the right right mix of humility and ego.
              Wait!! I so don't agree with that last bit. You mean the men right not the women ................. I hope.............

              I think that there is a kind of rule with guys regardless of age. They will wait for up to 3 weeks usually "only" and ditch someone because they want sex. If they last a bit longer the frustration comes out which means that they are there for one reason and one reason only. I think that men take longer to get to know a woman and get to "I'm into you" stage and want to see her and be with her. Where as women fall quite quickly if they are lonely and needing. But can wait. I've always stated at least 3 dates, if I think it may be serious. But each to their own on the length of time. I think that the longer if not sure the better because they do leave, unless they really have gotten to really like you and want to know you, in which case they will stay.

              This in-security as to why I liked your post Is in everyone. But, I think women have the upper hand and hear me out. When she gives in sexually, he wins. When she doesn't he doesn't. So "does she like me?" , "is she attracted to me". All those questions go around and around.

              For sure we prefer confidence and patience and any guy that does what his guy did you don't want to go out with anyway. It's a shame that you spent 5 good hours with him, I was waiting for a happy ending, I spent 4 with my now Fiance. But, he knew you worked the time you finished arranged a date but didn't specify what , where and didn't even specify in his message where and a time, at least mine did that and it was a question so I had to answer. Then he assumed rejection and went of to Golf.

              I'd say you clicked on some-things but he's been rejected a lot and this was his way out.

              I think he would be needy.

              Hard world doing this dating thing I know, you, like me will find him trust me. xx
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

              Comment


              • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
                Wait!! I so don't agree with that last bit. You mean the men right not the women ................. I hope.............

                I think that there is a kind of rule with guys regardless of age. They will wait for up to 3 weeks usually "only" and ditch someone because they want sex. If they last a bit longer the frustration comes out which means that they are there for one reason and one reason only. I think that men take longer to get to know a woman and get to "I'm into you" stage and want to see her and be with her.
                Yes, CW, it is usually the men. But I have found the same in some women. Some can get quite indignant if you don't act quickly enough.

                As for your "guy rule", I see that you subscribe to the "men are pigs" school of dating. While that may be the majority, there are a significant number of us who do not rush intimacy before the relationship can sustain it. But you are so right as to women having the upper hand. We do like feedback, but Kitty gave that by setting a second date. The need for constant communication does show excessive neediness.
                "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                Comment


                • Hindsight: he called me 10 minutes after our first date ended, and wanted to take me to the driving range on our second date. I said no to that, BTW.
                  So, probably too into golf for me-he rejected my offer for tennis as well.

                  Comment


                  • I'm gonna buck the trend here kitty and just make a suggestion ....why not try him out on a second date anyway? Worst that can happen is he just verifies what you suspect already.
                    [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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                    • I agree with Jen. So he's a golf freak. At least he wants to share it with you.

                      Yes, that was immature to cancel a date just because he didn't hear back from you during work hours, but the reality is, people are usually nervous and acting like a fool when dating. They don't know if they are doing the right thing to impress the person, they don't know if they will get rejected/hurt, they don't know if they are making themselves look like a fool, they don't know the other person well enough to read their cues, etc. It's tough. I would say give him a break. Maybe he has experienced somebody not responding soon enough as a clear indication they weren't interested. Maybe he is on some forum asking suggestions and everybody is telling him "this woman isn't interested in you."

                      To me, he sounds like he is very interested but at the same time afraid to appearing too interested. Can you blame him.
                      Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                      Comment


                      • It would not be an egregious error to give the guy a second chance, if all the signs on the first date were positive and the only fly in the ointment is his apparent display of immaturity on Day Two. To be fair, I am far removed (and happily so) from the dating scene and quality dating material might not be as abundant as the flow of water from an artesian well. Perhaps one must kiss a few frogs before finding a prince.

                        It might also be, by contemporary standards, the guy's behavior was not quite so opprobrious as it appeared to some of us at first blush. Texting was unknown when I lasted dated. Perhaps today barraging one's date with anxious texts is the norm, and a sign of interest and affection.

                        Not sure what to make of the golf thing. You mentioned it seems to be an everyday thing for him. That sounds pretty dedicated, particularly if he wants you on the links, while avoiding the tennis court. I think that issue bears further exploration. Perhaps a bit early to tell how large golf might loom in any relationship.
                        I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by DreamP346 View Post
                          I agree with Jen. So he's a golf freak. At least he wants to share it with you.

                          Yes, that was immature to cancel a date just because he didn't hear back from you during work hours, but the reality is, people are usually nervous and acting like a fool when dating. **** **** **** Maybe he is on some forum asking suggestions and everybody is telling him "this woman isn't interested in you."

                          To me, he sounds like he is very interested but at the same time afraid to appearing too interested. Can you blame him.
                          I'll stick with my original opinion . . . do you really want to date someone who would listen to people like us?

                          Whether or not you give him a second chance is besides the point. He wants (or needs) you to conform to his love of the game. Indeed, suggesting going to a driving range on the second date indicates a true passion for golf. In my experience, having been a committed golfer, it eats up valuable time, especially if you both work.

                          You gave him every indication that you were interested by scheduling a second date, even if the time was not yet established. His interest level (perhaps dulled by his anxiety that you did not like him) was such that he preferred a round of golf to missing it on the chance you did want to see him. I don't think he was afraid to appear too interested; if anything, he was afraid of rejection. In the cycle of a few hours, he went from really liking you to "the hell with you" based upon the lack of a response to a few texts while you were at work. He made two rather poor choices.
                          "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                          Comment


                          • And you suggested Tennis and he said no? He suggested Golf you said no, so in the end he stated he was going anyway.

                            I get the feeling his buddies were pushing him " are you coming? are you coming? " and he was trying to get the answer from you, yet he had the answer, you already said not to that the night before, but then he decided as you didn't answer (yet you already did) he then decided to leave a message stating he was going.

                            I definitely think he was/is into you and maybe the above explains the needy? It's feasible my Father-In-Law to be places golf and we've had several chats about it, effy is right it takes up a lot of someone's time and in that, becomes a bit addictive. My FIL basically stated if we took him for an hour lunch he couldn't make it, he was going to golf but if we were visiting for at least 3hrs, he'd give it a miss.

                            " Men are Pigs". I don't know if I belong to that club. I do know that when I joined a dating site 5 -6 years ago, I would class most of what I met as that, it was like they were all set in their ways, held baggage, women were **********es as they wanted their money and for the most part, liers especially with their age They were quite demanding of what they expected and wanted "this time around". D was different he went with the flow and wanted a life long partner and it showed.

                            I think this guy wants someone in his life but she has to have his passions because he's too set in his ways to give those up for a woman.

                            Just my opinion.
                            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                            Comment


                            • Well Kitty, with this guy this is me talking not the general rule but it sounds like he only into his hobbies not yours with tennis. One thing I believe is you both enjoy doing stuff together if he enjoys golf and you tennis then you try it together and so on. But your right he was wrong knowing you can't talk with him or answer messages while at work most people know that he's just being rude and everything center around him period. For my self i not trying to court a women being that I married to a wonderful women already lol. So I maybe a little rusty in this area but the whole point to dating is to see if you both are compatible with each other that your hobbies and his will work with each other you have many compatible things to do together. So just my feeling with this guy is this relationship will not work just my gut feeling with this Kitty. Would be better not spending the next 6 month finding out you are not compatible with this guy.
                              When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

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