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A "pursuing"situation that went wrong

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  • A "pursuing"situation that went wrong

    In the lounge thread, I talked about why I don't believe in pursuing men. I would like feedback on this embarrassing situation. When I was seeing a therapist to help with my best friend's death, she suggested that I go after this guy that I thought was cute. I told her, "he just stares. He doesn't do anything." I gave in to her suggestion, as she said, "my male clients think it's hot when women initiate. Maybe he's just nervous." So, I initiated some messaging on Facebook and flirted a bit. He was flattered. Numbers were exchanged. When we were supposed to meet for the first time, he initiated sex and said that "he doesn't go on dates." Again, I gave in bc I also wanted it. When I told my therapist, "I'm concerned that this won't go anywhere. " She urged me to keep pursuing by initiating texts, and said how she and her boyfriend had sex on the first date. Again, I gave in. He responded and was receptive to meeting up. He told me he found me sexy. A month later, he breaks things off saying that he's going back to a former **************** buddy. He said, "I like you. I can't be with you just right now. We can try again in the future, if things don't work out with this girl. I hope we can be friends still." I thought, "no way in hell. If it doesn't work the first time, it's not going to work again." When I told my therapist, I told her, "this is why I don't like chasing. The guy was on the rebound with some other girl, and he wasn't even looking for a relationship." She then told me, "you were due for a fling anyway. You haven't had sex in awhile." Well, the whole thing hurt me deeply. I've tried to get over it, but only time will heal. I'm also upset that I've allowed myself to take someone else's advice. If I didn't share the situation with the therapist, I would have just left things as a one nighter. Because of this, I will never be the aggressor again. I'm not interested in any flings or casual sex either. I don't care what anyone says. I can't afford to take someone's suggestion and get hurt like this again. A one month fling turned into several months of feeling like crap. As for this guy, he still acts very friendly with me and got upset that I deleted him off of Facebook. It's not worth "initiating" things with him again. I think he already senses with my actions that he won't get me back.
    "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

  • It's too late to edit this thread. Now, I'm weary of sharing such personal information. But, the posts in the lounge section triggered the memory.
    "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

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    • I don't have time to comment further right now, other than to say that I would be questioning the skill and professional behavior of this therapist of yours. First, she shouldn't be sharing such personal info. She also shouldn't be advising in such judgment based ways, such as "you were due for a fling"? Wth???
      I'm appalled. Forget the loser guy and therapist.

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      • Thanks, ats-I don't see her anymore. It's my fault for not seeing red flags. Guess I put up with things out of loneliness and wanting support. As far as him being a loser, perhaps it was a good thing to be broken off.
        "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

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        • I don't believe any therapist worth their salt would have given out that advise. What they are trained to do is to lead you to discover behaviours that work to combat certain deficiencies: these could be extreme shyness, being socially paralyzed, etc. and they provide the coping skills to work around what is holding you back. Maybe her male clients were all total nerds and needed the complete attention of females in order for them to feel, needed, wanted or loved. As atskitty2 says she shouldn't be sharing such personal info and advising in such judgment based ways.
          My advise would be to find a new therapist.
          That which we forget may as well never really happened.

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          • Claret-i agree. This therapist knew that I was a sexual abuse survivor, no family around, and a few friendships that went haywire. So, this fling and being broken off with triggered some bad, bad and bad flashbacks and messages. I do have a much more competent person to talk with right now. Not sure why I felt the need to vent about this issue right now. I'm abstaining from casual sex, bc it's not in my best interest.
            "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

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            • I agree, take the time you need to discover who you are. Discover what you like and want to promote about yourself. Discover what it is that sabotages your successes. Do you have any friends/family either male/female that want nothing from you other than you to be yourself and to be a friend to them? These are the types of people that can provide some stability into your life, they expect nothing but what you are willing to give to them.
              That which we forget may as well never really happened.

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              • Yes, that's why I'm moving back to my hometown. Strong support is important, especially with people that don't see you as a sex toy or question your decision to be celibate. I know I walked into that situation by being so easily sexual, because I was stressed, insecure and very lonely.
                "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

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                • There is something not right with your therapist. Find another one, who's way more professional. Also, forget about the guy. Okay, so you had a bad first experience. We all do, really. I know that doesn't make it hurt any less or help, but it's the truth. I've had plenty of bad dates and have been rejected many times. As embarrassing as it was, it didn't stop me from pursuing other people, I just learned how to be less aggressive and more mature when doing so. With my current boyfriend, I'm the one that asked him to be my boyfriend.

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                  • I want to honor my heart with "pursuing" not being my thing.
                    "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

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                    • I see. Well, only you know what's right for you.

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                      • That's what told this therapist. But, I allowed her into talking me into her method.
                        "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                        Comment


                        • If I may.

                          There is nothing wrong with being assertive which has nothing to do with being the aggressor, rather, you made a statement as soon as he said "he doesn't date" you went ahead as you wanted it too... That's being assertive knowing what you want "at that time". I don't think there is anything wrong with that Magnetism. We are human and sometimes that once off is exactly what we need to remind ourselves we are still a woman, "all woman".

                          If I was your therapist that is what I would have told you, when you came back. I would never have suggested that you continue or not continue, leaving that as your decision but allowing you to know you did alright, you made your own decision, at that time as a woman..

                          Per-suing from there is, I think, a normal "what if?" reaction, though deep down inside if a guy says " I don't do the date thing" I'd be wary of my heart as chances are he's not ready for the real thing and you were the real deal.

                          That's his problem not yours.

                          I've done this, then gone back to the 18 month non sex until I find someone who is willing and wanting a relationship, getting to know "me" inside not outside. There are no right or wrongs I'm glad that I was assertive in situations and glad that I held back as well, learning what it was I truly wanted lead me eventually as a result to my current partner.

                          I'm glad you don't see this "wannabe therapist" anymore. She crossed a lot of boundries and really should be reported for doing so.

                          As for this thread, when ever you want, if you want, it can be closed and fade away into the background.

                          A man can sleep with a woman and 9 out of 10 times, feel no regret a woman can sleep with a man and if it doesn't lead to something often, 9 out of 10 times feels regret. I find that wrong, man and woman can do what they so choose in life, it's their body. Don't feel regret Magnetism, you did something out of the ordinary for you and you were assertive. An experience that's all.
                          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                          Comment


                          • It definitely felt pleasurable. It was probably one of the best sexual chemistry I've had. I told myself I wasn't going to get attached, but repeated visits bonded me more than I thought. When things ended, I beat myself up badly and wondered if being the initiator caused things to ruin. I sunk into a depression for a few months. I went on other dates, but wasn't connecting with the guys. I had even more casual sex offers, but turned them down. As you said, a man straight up telling you, "I don't date. It's a waste of my time," means that nothing will probably get him to change his mind. I think my heart will know next time who is the real deal. It will feel easy, without wondering about who initiates what.
                            "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                            Comment


                            • I beat myself up badly and wondered if being the initiator caused things to ruin
                              No,no,no,no,no.

                              Men like assertive women. We just need to hear what they say at the beginning and know how to take it from there, that's all

                              You got something wonderful from the experience, focus on that, not the negative.

                              If we focus on negativity, it breeds.

                              Life is about taking all the positives and working with those
                              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                              Comment

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