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Is my boyfriend cheap?

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  • Is my boyfriend cheap?

    Hi, I've been wondering about this for a while now... I am in a serious relationship for 5+ years with a man a lot older than me. Although we're in a long distance relationship (i'm studying abroad) we chat everyday and plan to get married as soon as I finish Uni. He's working as a teacher and we're both working together on a game project as well.

    However, the past few years, I bought him presents, such as his favourite games and always volunteered to buy him things he needs (eg. Computer programs). But i think it has become a habit and now he always asks me to pay for him. As I've mentioned, I am a frigging college student, have no job and living on my parents' support. But I wanted him to be happy so I just kept silent.

    BUT, a few months ago, I went back and we had a few dates. He did pay for movie tickets and we had a great time. I gave him his favourite books, presents for his parents and even matching rings. He mentioned before that he would give me a ring during my visit so I was expecting it. But all he got me was an old game card that he had... I was quite disappointed, since those dates were our rare chances to meet in 5 years. I just kept silent since i thought he might simply be struggling with money.

    After i went back, i found out that he bought a game console instead. I was very sad, since he'd rather buy a console for himself than a present for me. And recently, he nagged me to pay for more game programs and also mentioned that we won't be having a honeymoon after getting married (he said he'd rather buy a few consoles to play together).

    I'm not the kind of girl who wants flowers and chocolates every week, but don't you think this is too much? I'm not dating him for money and presents, but so far, I have nothing other than an old game card from him...

    As a girl, i do want to feel adored. It makes me so sad whenever my friends show off their bracelets or rings that their boyfriends got them. What should I do? I really love him and don't want to break up.

  • Does this guy have a job?

    My guess is if he is sponging off you now, it won't improve after marriage. It also sounds like gaming plays too great a role in his life. Playing games over a honeymoon? Does not bode well.
    I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

    Comment


    • Thanks for the reply.
      He is currently working as a teacher and he seems to be financially stable.
      But yes, i do agree that he is a hardcore gamer

      Comment


      • I now recall your initial post saying he's a teacher. So that suggests a reasonable income. You, on the other hand, are a student.

        Have you two ever talked about finances? Has he said anything about why he sees it that you should pay his way more than he pays yours?

        Money can become a very big issue in relationships. I would be hesitant to marry in your situation without clearing the air first, about expectations, etc. If you marry and both of you work, will bills be shared? On what basis? Does he now rent or own a home? Will you get another together? At what cost and how will it be paid?

        There are a lot of questions to be asked. The above are just a few. Do you plan to have children? If so, will you take time away from work? Will be be willing and able to shoulder the bills alone in that case? Will you resent money spent on gaming when the baby needs diapers? Will you want to save for a house, while he has other ideas?

        Lots to think about.
        I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

        Comment


        • I just read on another thread that you are only 18. That makes things even more concerning. An older (we don't know by how much) employed man being subsidized by you.

          At what age do you expect to finish your studies and marry? You are still very young. At a minimum, I would not be quick to marry once the LDR ends. I would give it some time to see if your bf can be a good husband. Right now, some signs are worrying.
          I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

          Comment


          • Thanks for replying.
            I plan to get married when i graduate (when i'm 21-22). We have discussed marriage a lot and don't plan to have any kids, so that's a big relief. He wants me to come live with him with his family. They do own a house.
            And we do talk about finance. He says he wants to finish the game project we are working on, so that we earn quite a lot to keep both of us happy. We plan to work full-time making games to support ourselves when we're married.

            For now, he seems to expecting a lot from our game's sales and keeps mentioning the things he wants to buy when he gets the money.

            Comment


            • Well, it's good that you have a few years still before being committed to marriage.

              Living with his family might be okay for awhile, but those kinds of living arrangements can be stressful.

              As for game sales, I hope your plans are realistic. I suspect that's something that many try, but only a very few make much profit. I wish you success.
              I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

              Comment


              • Yeah, if he's now constantly asking you to pay for him...I don't even know what to say. How dare he. You're only a student, and he has a paying job. He should be paying for you, and not expecting you to buy him expensive programs. Though, if you pay for something every once in a while because you want to and not because he asks you to, that's fine. He wants game consoles over and honeymoon? That's inexcusable. Just, no. I understand that he's a gamer, but still. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, but I would never choose a few expensive Harry Potter items over having a honeymoon. I'd save up for those separately. Things are not likely to get better after the marriage, hun.

                I'm with you on not needing flowers and chocolates every week. Getting presents every once in a while is nice though. You've bought him stuff, yet all you have is an old game card. I don't think you should keep silent anymore.

                Comment


                • He sounds like a little boy frankly. Actually the biggest indicator of that in my mind is that he "keeps mentioning the things he wants to buy when he gets the money." Adults don't look at money matters that way. There's a whole ....big picture to be considered.

                  Anyway hon, a little boy can't take care of you or even hold up his end. Even if he starts growing up right now, it's bound to take a while. I have a feeling you'll end up being his mother, and believe me, you don't want that.
                  [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                  Comment


                  • Lets back this up a bit. 5+ years of a relationship and you being 18 means it started when you were 12 or 13 (but you are still a virgin). He is a lot older and already has a job as a teacher.

                    I think he is taking advantage of you. He got you locked in his orbit a long time ago and is now taking advantage of it. He should be the one paying for things for you instead of you paying for things for him (I understand he bought the movie tickets, but that was minimal). At the least, it should even. Unless he starts showing more respect for you, I think you should rethink the relationship and consider ending it. It sounds like he has a lot more maturing to do than you do.
                    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                    ...
                    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                    Comment


                    • JNS has this guy's number. He can pay for frivolous items like a new gaming system (which I understand is ideally a once in a 5-year span purchase, but excuse my eyeroll!) but won't pay for more practical things like a program to further his programming ambitions? Whether he's loaded or poor, that doesn't sound like he has his priorities straight.

                      Since your money is not essentially yours and is instead your parents', I wonder what they think of the situation? If they have carefully decided how much money you should have for your allowance, I wonder what you're going without in order to give to him?

                      How do you feel about the idea of moving in with his parents, and how do his parents feel about the idea? Is the house "theirs" with him having a room, or is it MEANT to be a shared space between multiple families? Do they live in your home country (you don't have to say where that is if you don't want,) or near your parents, friends, and your safety net? It sounds very isolating.

                      If you want to make it work, it's time for a re-frame. Tell him you are no longer able to contribute to his financial needs - you, after all, technically don't have any money! This doesn't mean you can't give him gifts as you see fit, but you shouldn't feel pressured to give gifts outside the amount and schedule you might normally give. Let him know how disappointed you were that he promised you a gift and did not come through. Be honest about your concerns and don't let him make you guilty about your feelings, since the biggest thing you're feeling is LOVE for him and desire to make both of you happy.

                      And though this is 3+ years in the future, I urge you not to marry him (or anyone) without hashing these kinds of issues out beforehand. You will likely hear it many times, but it bears repeating - your personalities and interactions won't change for the better upon getting married, and anything that bothers you now will only get worse and worse.
                      <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>

                      Comment


                      • Money is the biggest issue that married couples fight about. I echo the same concerns everyone else does.
                        "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                        Comment


                        • Thanks for all your replies, everyone
                          I've been keeping silent with him because I don't want him to think I only care about my money...
                          But i think it's time i talk to him directly about it. Wish me luck!

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by HaruMeow View Post
                            Hi, I've been wondering about this for a while now... I am in a serious relationship for 5+ years with a man a lot older than me. Although we're in a long distance relationship (i'm studying abroad) we chat everyday and plan to get married as soon as I finish Uni. He's working as a teacher and we're both working together on a game project as well.

                            However, the past few years, I bought him presents, such as his favourite games and always volunteered to buy him things he needs (eg. Computer programs). But i think it has become a habit and now he always asks me to pay for him. As I've mentioned, I am a frigging college student, have no job and living on my parents' support. But I wanted him to be happy so I just kept silent.

                            BUT, a few months ago, I went back and we had a few dates. He did pay for movie tickets and we had a great time. I gave him his favourite books, presents for his parents and even matching rings. He mentioned before that he would give me a ring during my visit so I was expecting it. But all he got me was an old game card that he had... I was quite disappointed, since those dates were our rare chances to meet in 5 years. I just kept silent since i thought he might simply be struggling with money.

                            After i went back, i found out that he bought a game console instead. I was very sad, since he'd rather buy a console for himself than a present for me. And recently, he nagged me to pay for more game programs and also mentioned that we won't be having a honeymoon after getting married (he said he'd rather buy a few consoles to play together).

                            I'm not the kind of girl who wants flowers and chocolates every week, but don't you think this is too much? I'm not dating him for money and presents, but so far, I have nothing other than an old game card from him...

                            As a girl, i do want to feel adored. It makes me so sad whenever my friends show off their bracelets or rings that their boyfriends got them. What should I do? I really love him and don't want to break up.

                            HaruMeow, I am going to sadly said his gaming is more important then you are. Now it's OK to play once in a while myself I don't waste my time with it all to much other stuff to do. But as I see it he's using you and what have you gotten from him it seem nothing. If he really truly loved you he would have gotten you a promise ring or bracelet some kind of jewelry or something not a old gaming card seriously. My wife would have kick me in the balls for that really come on.I hope you can see that, when a grown man life is spending more time playing video games he not a man but a boy you don't want to marry a boy. You see he really didn't care for you with buying this game consoles instead of a nice gift for you when you came to visit this just the proof right there he's using you. Find a real man not a boy. This is good you find out now before you get married guys like this do not change it just gets worse you can do better. This guy is not broke he has a job as you not having a lot of money and buying him gifts is that really fair. That's why long distance relationship really do not work this is why.
                            When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by HaruMeow View Post
                              Thanks for all your replies, everyone
                              I've been keeping silent with him because I don't want him to think I only care about my money...
                              But i think it's time i talk to him directly about it. Wish me luck!
                              Be strong and tell him you not this money tree. That this relationship seem one way it's all about him and his needs.I am glad you seeing what others are saying about him here good luck Harumeow.
                              When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

                              Comment

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