What does he really want from me?

[LeopardLady]

So I'm a young girl in my early 20s and this guy I like and I'm friends with I just click with him straight away, we can just talk about anything and laugh and there's no awkwardness or anything. Recently we started hanging out more often and he broke up with his girlfriend 6-8 weeks ago, he was with her for some time but she caused him a lot of stress and problems.

We became heated very quickly and we wanted to have sex but the first day I said no because I wanted to be in a relationship before sex (I am very nervous about it and I have done it before but in a way I'm old fashioned) he tried to talk me into it but I stood my ground and said no, he then told me he didn't want to date me because he wanted to be sure he was over his girlfriend and everything and didn't want to make a mistake getting into something with me right now. I was hurt but said it was fine. A few days later and we tried to have sex, I physically felt numb and couldn't respond very well so we stopped and he hasn't really mentioned anything sexual since.

He has been so nice to me sending me kisses in texts and talking to me and being cute but for the past few days he has been drifting a little and hasn't been talking to me as much, not in a nasty way like he's ignoring me, just finding other things to do and slightly putting off replying. I asked him if he thought if something was wrong and he said no, he still wants to hang out with me and have sex with me but he hasn't mentioned it nearly as much, he also has not spoken at all about dating.

I'm not a dumb person and I think he thinks he can have everything from me but without the relationship so he can get away with perhaps doing stuff with other girls or being his usual flirtatious self and not have to tie down to me. I have nobody else at all to speak to and I'm very lonely and I really like him. I am more logical than emotional, am I right in thinking he doesn't truly want me and only wants some fun and is leading me in hopes of a relationship but in reality I'm not getting it and he thinks he has me fooled? Or am I just being paranoid?

What do you think?

[Pollon]

If I understood what you wrote correctly he said, "...he didn't want to date me because he wanted to be sure he was over his girlfriend..".

And you said, "...I wanted to be in a relationship before sex..."

Then a few days later (I assume you were still not in a relationship) you tried to have sex with him.

It seems pretty clear that neither you nor he respects your boundaries (rules). You want a relationship with him so badly you are willing to break our own rules (with are very good rules) and he wants sex so badly, he is willing to break your rules.

The bottom line is he doesn't care enough about you for you to give your body and your self-respect to him.

There was a reason you felt numb and couldn't respond well. It was because you knew you weren't ready to have sex with him. And you knew he didn't care enough about you. Trust yourself. You deserve better.

Before you give your heart to anyone, be confident that they will treat it with care. This boy isn't ready to do that.

[Ashlee T.]

Agreed with Pollen. He's "just not that into you". He thinks your cool, likes you, and wants to sleep with you. But seriously, that makes up a large portion of the male population in your age group. LOTS of guys will like you and want to sleep with you. But you want more than that, and there's nothing wrong with that. Don't try to push this guy into a relationship. Let him come to you. Let him pursue you at this point. He knows how you feel. Anything otherwise is just going to be damaging to your dignity. Cut him off...and let him do the initiating contact. Stand your ground.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm very lonely

Have to agree with the others love.

You made it clear what you are after but because he wasn't on the same page as you, you gave in because you are lonely. But, it didn't feel right, there was nothing there, your body tried but your mind wouldn't do it, because you do believe that you are entitled to have a relationship and then sex comes into that and that's what you want. Loneliness makes people do crazy stuff

Stick to what you believe in.

Changing your mind and then hoping for the best isn't going to happen.

You're gut feeling told you straight away, "he's not ready", "he has baggage", but then you decided to cross examine your mind with " hey, but she was no good for him, he told me that, so he'll let go and love me".

Stick to your boundries. Believe your gut feeling. If lonely, join an organisation where you can give out love, to animals or people.

He was straight with you but he also played and played to get sex. You know that. So you also know that he is not thinking he has you fooled, he told you he's not ready for a relationship but that he's ok to hang out and have sex. He's told you the truth, so you need to listen to that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Bump.

Any more thoughts for the OP?

[Baboy]

Bump.

Any more thoughts for the OP?

Nope.

You, Pollon and BD answered the OP so well there is not much for the rest of us to say, apart from a hearty "hear hear".

[effy2014]

We became heated very quickly and we wanted to have sex but the first day I said no because I wanted to be in a relationship before sex (I am very nervous about it and I have done it before but in a way I'm old fashioned) he tried to talk me into it but I stood my ground and said no, he then told me he didn't want to date me because he wanted to be sure he was over his girlfriend and everything and didn't want to make a mistake getting into something with me right now. I was hurt but said it was fine. A few days later and we tried to have sex, I physically felt numb and couldn't respond very well so we stopped and he hasn't really mentioned anything sexual since.

He has been so nice to me sending me kisses in texts and talking to me and being cute but for the past few days he has been drifting a little and hasn't been talking to me as much, not in a nasty way like he's ignoring me, just finding other things to do and slightly putting off replying. I asked him if he thought if something was wrong and he said no, he still wants to hang out with me and have sex with me but he hasn't mentioned it nearly as much, he also has not spoken at all about dating.
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What do you think?

I certainly agree with Pollon's analysis; I have issues with any man who does not take no for an answer and tries to convince a woman to have sex against her better judgment. However, let me give you a different perspective.

Did the two of you talk about why the rules changed and why you felt too numb to to enjoy? Boys of his age do not like drama. The "No", then "yes" then "freeze" may have left him with the impression that you will change you mind easily and put different conditions on him at a whim. He may really like you and may want to have a relationship in the future, but he is reacting to warning signs that he sees.

As the others suggest, do not violate your ethical code to try to get a man. It is sure to bring you way more emotional pain in the end. However, the two of you seem to text and hang out but not communicate. This sounds like passing notes in junior high. If you want an answer to your question, ask him in real time. Take 20 minutes and have a real conversation -- lots of men admire women with morals and will be honest about their intentions. It really doesn't matter what we think on very limited information. The real answer will come with communication.