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Another chemistry question - need a woman's perspective

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  • Another chemistry question - need a woman's perspective

    Hello all,

    I have a question regarding a comment that I received from a woman and I really need some help putting it in perspective. First, let me tell you about her, then me, then the situation. I would really appreciate some advice. Sorry this is my first post and it is a bit long. I've seen some really great advice from this site so that is why I am here.

    Her - Lisa is a 38 year old grant writer. She is a triathlete and is serious about fitness and helping people. She loves to travel, to eat good food, to exercise and to cuddle up and just hang out. Really attractive. She enjoys going out with a small group of friends and with a person she can talk too but she also really values her privacy. She is pretty guarded due to her being raised by a military father who was an engineer. He was very loving, so no family issues, but not having a mom around and a father that was analytical causes her to be more analytical when dealing with situations and less emotional. She is college educated and was married out of college to her sweet heart, they moved overseas for five years and came back to the states after. Her husband opened a series of restaurants, where Lisa supported him, but he started partying in his early 30's, got into drugs and women and Lisa left him about 5 years ago. No kids. After that she was in one serious relationship for a couple of years and when she attempted to escalate the relationship the guys didn't want to get serious so she moved on. She dated a few other men after, but no one really lasted very long. Lisa is a very sweet and happy person. She always puts others first and has a lot of patience and sometimes will do things she does not want to - to make people happy.

    Me - Brad. I'm 44 and a professional. I'm also an athlete with a little more variety in my background, but I also do triathlons. I've been married three times and have three kids. My first marriage occurred right out of college when I dropped out because of a football injury that ended my career my freshmen year. My first ex and I are still friends (mainly because of the kids) but both of us admit that we should have never gotten married (at 20). Two children from this marriage that are in their 20's. Dated for about 7 years and just didn't meet anyone I like for a long term relationship. Second wife I met at work and thought was the love of my life. Married 9 years. Year 7 found out that she had an S&M thing with strange men. Always had and I never knew. Everything in our relationship seemed perfect. No kids. Anyway, this isn't about her. We tried to work it out, but she could stay off the strange men. After I divorced her I started dating again. One of my coworkers and I use to go to lunch. About a year after wife 2 we started dating. Was pretty much just physical. She confided in me about her families cancer back ground (lost her mom at 40, dad at 45, 3 grandparents and a couple of aunts and uncles to it). She never wanted to get married or have a kid. About 6 years ago she had a genetic test and it came back clean. She asked me to "donate" to get her pregnant. I agreed and we had no intent of marriage, just co-parenting. I didn't even move in officially until our daughter turned 3 months. At 18 months we decided to get married and at ~24 months decided it was a bad idea. We separated about two years ago when she started sleeping with a coworker. My daughter is 4 now. I have been told by my counselor that I am a fixer and I tolerate too much and try to hard to please the person I'm with (because I sacrifice my own well-being at times). I have a great job (140k + a year), own property, have a nice car, no debt, been told I'm attractive, in great shape, like to travel and I get along with people really well. I also like to pamper the woman I'm with (that is important in a minute).

    Situation - I met Lisa on an online dating site. First I have been on ever (and her) but I'm not dating someone I work with and don't have time to really go out and meet people. The first night we started chatting online turned into constant back and forth texting for 4 hours that night. Then all day the next day. I'm talking about one message after another can't wait to see what the other person types texting. We talked about everything and had very playful banter. It was awesome. Day 3 of this we decided to call each other (neither of us likes the phone and I have never spent more than 30 minutes talking to someone outside of work, ever). First night on the phone 3 hours and it stayed that way for another week. About 8 days in we decided to meet. She lives about 220 miles from me so it took a little planning which I did. We met for a late lunch on a Friday and hit it off. Lunch turned into a walk that turned into drinks and finally about 10pm I had to head home. We had been kissing and holding hands and flirting all night. I drove her home and we made out for about 15 minutes. I told her I wanted to take her to bed but would respect that this was our first date. She smiled, told me thank you and I left. The next week more of the same except longer calls (5 hours) Went to her house on a Wednesday (where we had planned for me to stay the night), had drinks, I made her a seafood paella, brought her a huge bouquet of flowers, after dinner we talked made out I rubbed her back and then had the most intense and awesome sex ever. Woke up the next morning more sex, got up shower dressed I went home (4hour drive) she went to work. Next week same thing except we went out to dinner. I brought a number of lotions, a heating corn bag for massages and a half dozen roses. I pulled all the petals off the roses and coated her bed with them and then gave her a whole body massage (she adored it and said some of the most romantic things to me as I did it). After we had the most amazing sex again. Got up went home. I have to add here that there were a couple of times during our dating to this point that she told me I was going too fast. Not a lot. Maybe three times. She said she liked to focus on the future and not worry some much about the past so when I would bring up something in the past a couple of times she would say "that is really heavy". I only said them because I was so comfortable with her and really trusted her. She had a triathlon a week later that I couldn't attend and her parents were there so she didn't want me to meet them yet anyway. I totally get that. We talked like normal the whole time. On Tuesday of last week she drove home (8 hour drive) and seemed tired (not talkative). Gets home and the next day has a really tough day at work. I texted her around 6 to see how she was doing. No response so I figure she was out running or working out and then would probably come home and go to bed. Just 5 days before we had planned on me visiting again and going to the mountains for a weekend the follow week. We had discussed this the day before. Anyway, around 10pm after I had just gone to bed I get a text saying she wants to cancel my visit the next day and our weekend. She wouldn't respond and the following day sends me an email saying that I was a great guy, but there was no chemistry. Her words were that when we first met and for the first couple of weeks I made her skin tingle when she saw my texts and that she had butterflies and I took her breath away when she saw me. She said for the last couple of weeks that was gone. She wants no interaction with me now at all. To be honest, I was falling for this girl. I know she said that we were going too fast a couple of times. But there was zero warning of this. I asked her if it could be possible that she was starting to have feelings for me and this was her way of protecting herself. She did reply and said that was not the case and she really liked everything we did and really like me as a person, but kept saying there was no chemistry. We were sharing a lot of intimate stuff up until the end. I did give her the impression that I wanted more. I was talking about trips to Paris and out west to horse back ride and I wanted her to come to my apartment and stay a weekend, but I never made it "official" and she always responded well. There were a couple of times when I said things like that and I was surprised by the lack of happy or playful comment when I mentioned taking her to Paris for a week. Typically when I said something about doing something together locally for a day she got happy and made a sweet comment like, "you are the kindest and most thoughtful man I have ever met". I never mentioned escalating our relationship. I told her maybe twice that I could see myself falling in love with her. A week or two apart, but I never told her I loved her. I think I started to feel that way right before she dumped me, but it might have just been me missing her. Regardless I did have strong feelings for her. She never used the word love ever. Not even to say she loved a certain food. She always said something like "heavenly".

    What exactly happened. This woman is one of the most awesome people I have ever met. I really miss her. This is also the first time I have ever been dumped. I was really hurt because I was starting to develop real feelings for this woman. She said she won't talk to me because it will be too painful and doesn't want any contact. Did I go too hard too fast? Did I intimidate her? What was she looking for? I would have done anything for this woman. I really would like some opinions here. Thank you.

  • #2
    Well, yeah I think you probably went just a bit too hard too fast. I think she basically told you that. Sounds like the chemistry was good on many levels, but maybe just too much for her.
    This entire relationship was what? 4 or 6 weeks? That's a short time, and you're talking about vacation time together and all these very serious things. She warned you. And BTW, 3 times telling you that you are going too fast is a lot.... Just for future reference.

    I'm sorry. This stinks. I've been the woman on the receiving end of a guy who falls fast and shows it quickly. It can be very unnerving and scary when you are not one to be ruled by your feelings. I understand where she is coming from.

    Even if I feel the same, the beginning should be about getting acquainted and finding out whether there's foundation for a future relationship, not letting emotions steal the show and dictate the course.

    She made it pretty clear she wants nothing further. I wish she'd have had a more serious discussion with you to request the change she needed, and give it a chance. Seems like you'd have worked hard on that.

    This is my opinion tho. I could be wrong. Truth is, you have only her word to go on, and she claims the chemistry wasn't right for her. I guess that's technically the same, but sure leaves you wondering eh?


    • #3
      I'm wondering if she talked about you when she visited her parents? The breakup came just shortly after. Do you think she would have been influenced by them?

      No matter how nice you are, you have to admit you have a lot on your plate with kids and ex wives.


      • #4
        Thank you all for responding. I tend to agree with pretty much everything you have said. In fact, in my past I have met some really incredible women, but quickly been turned off by their aggressiveness. In those instances, even when all the tangible was outstanding, I lost interest because of the pace. That could easily be interpreted as no chemistry. There was just something so special about Lisa. One of those people you meet in a million years, if ever. As immature and novice as it sounds, I really wanted to spend time with her. I typically am a reserved person (introvert actually) and don't like getting serious until I really have a chance to grow with someone. I've been in a lot of relationships and understand for the most part peoples behaviors. If I was someone else and giving them advice I would totally be telling them they were rushing it.

        I don't think my kids or previous relationships were an issue. At first I was afraid that it would be and to be honest I generally don't bring them up for a while to a woman because I understand how being married three times sounds. I think if people understand the circumstances they would be like, okay not an issue, but generally I don't go into details about my past until after several dates, not three. Lisa told me it wasn't an issue and even told me that my dedication to my kids was a turn on to her. She has never wanted kids but respects a man that is close to his kids.

        I'm wondering if there is a way to repair the damage done. Another thing about me is that I believe in learning and self-improvement. Every day is an opportunity to get better. I'm also an extremely hard worker. Lisa knows this. I wonder if I sent her a message (which I know she still reads) and explain that I made a mistake and ask if we could slow this down considerably and start "over" if she would consider. She already knows a lot about me and has told me up to the end how much she really enjoys my company and compatibility. I'd like a woman's thoughts on this. We live about 220 miles apart and I have always believed in giving the person I am with space (possibly to my own detriment), so me being around too much is not an issue. The planning and overwhelming communication can be slowed down considerably on my part. I could let her lead the relationship. I just wonder if I do that if she would be willing. I know that depends on the individual a lot and despite my own feelings I would never want to make her uncomfortable or put her in a position where she was not absolutely happy.


        • #5

          Even though you really like her, I think you have to respect the fact she called it off. Whether it was chemistry, like she said or something else. Who knows, maybe something you said or did, reminded her of her ex husband in some small way. There just would be no fixing something like that.

          Sorry, sometimes things just don't work out no matter how much one wants them to.

          Is there any chance at all of getting back together with the mother of your 4 year old?


          • #6
            She said she wants no contact, according to your first post. Seems to me she isn't interested in trying again or maintaining even a friendship. I think you are going to have to let this go.

            If you want to contact her, go ahead but I think, from what you've shared, it'd be a mistake.
            If she contacts you, then follow her lead on how the communication goes.

            How long did you date, and how long ago did the breakup happen?


            • #7
              Yup, way too fast too soon. Unfortunately the damage is done. She is always going to see you as the guy who dove in too fast. If you try to fix things and ask to start over, it will only reiterate the fact you are trying too hard. Either let it go, or send her a final letter saying that as much as you would like to have kept seeing her, you respect her wishes and will cease further contact. You can keep the door open by saying that should she change her mind and want to give it a fresh start, your door is open. If you keep pursuing her, you become the creepy stalker.
              Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


              • #8
                I have to agree with the ladies that you were going way too fast.
                I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


                • #9
                  I agree with atskitty2: she has made is clear she wants nothing further. I wish love could make someone else love you but no matter how nice you are, she has made her decision. I think you should respect that. You obviously respect her, so I'd show that curtesy. It'll stay a hard situation for you but you need to slow down. Believe you will meet someone else as special: someone who accepts your "baggage" [for lack of a better word]. It's great to be passionate and intense but only with a person who wants that. I am not trying to be patronising but those are my thoughts.