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No settling vs checklists

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    No settling vs checklists

    I get a fair amount of dating advice. I have often wondered why random people are so concerned with whether I'm dating anyone.

    Today I had a thought, so pardon me as I sort through it here. I'm not sure it means much but discussion could be fun.

    I've been told so many times not to settle. I've always thought, not to settle for anything less than I deserve. Reasonable and logical right?

    The same people say things about how bad a checklist is and how I shouldn't be looking to check off boxes on a list.
    I agree with that too.

    A male friend's wife told me she literally wrote down all she wanted in her man. She literally made a list.

    So, the thought occurred to me that, how is it necessarily bad to have a checklist, albeit figurative for me, and not settle for less than what you have deemed priority?

    I've never taken her advice and written down my priority attributes.

    If people are not supposed to settle, what's wrong with having strict criteria? Even making a list if they see fit, and "checking off boxes"?

    Anyone have thoughts on this? I don't feel I've explained it well, but I hope you get the idea.

    Sometimes I feel like people hand out advice without thinking it through, based on what sounds good. I think there is some amount of settling that does become necessary, and is probably good.

    **I have entirely too much time to think** lol

    #2
    "dating checklist: when you start a new relationship"
    from psychology today has what sounds like good info......

    atskitty2
    how does your list compare?

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
      I get a fair amount of dating advice. l
      Kitty, why do you think you get dating advice?
      I don't remember ever getting dating advice from anyone.

      Comment


        #4
        I don't know why people give their tips and thoughts. I don't mind, but at times I get the idea some people pity me, or think I am lonely or something.
        I don't ask for it usually. People seem surprised that I am single I guess, so they just toss out some info.

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          #5

          atskitty2


          you get lots of dating advice
          do people also set you up on dates?

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            #6
            No. I haven't had anyone try to hook me up for a few years now. Not that I remember anyway.
            I'd have likely declined such an offer, as it never ends up being a pleasant experience.

            Comment


              #7
              If you're single for any length of time, you will get advice from others and their constant longing for you to "find someone". It's almost like you're viewed as incomplete until you do. What a weird thing, huh? Like, "Awww....I wish poor kitty would find someone......" as if it's reason to be pitied. haha.

              I'm not a fan of checklists. Mainly because if I had one, I would have missed out on the top two relationships of my life. Take my current relationship for instance, he is 11 years younger than me. I had never dated someone younger, so if I were making a list, someone that young would've definitely not made the cut. Additionally, he was living at home with his parents. His reasons were good and made sense, but that would've certainly been on my checklist and he wouldn't have made it.
              "Be what you're looking for."

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                #8
                I do feel ready and wanting a relationship, but I don't feel deprived in life either. It's a weird sense.

                Many of these people knew me when I was married. I was the happiest when married. When our relationship was strong, it was the happiest time of my life. No doubt and no regrets. I think in some ways, that makes it harder for me, at least. When you know how beautiful a relationship can really be, and even though you also know the work and difficulty that comes with it, it's hard to settle for anything less.

                That's my thing BD, if I would literally write things down, that, to me, sets very rigid criteria. It seems like that'd put a set of "blinders" on me...and only men in these bullet points will be considered. And as I've thought of it, I also don't necessarily think settling is a bad thing. There are some compromises that need to be considered. I think it's about remaining reasonable and realistic in expectations and considerations for ourselves, and that other person. There are superficial things, and there are meaningful things. I think what I've taken from this whole thought process is just remaining open to whomever, whatever comes my way. Which was my first thought anyway, a long time ago...until I started listening to people's opinions and advice. lol

                I have one friend, who's actually a guy that I met on a dating site. We've been friends a few years now, and he's since married and is very happy. But not a single interaction goes by, that he doesn't ask if there's a man in my life YET. I know he means well...and I've told him, he's probably going to be one of the first to know when I get a relationship to any meaningful level. I think the only time he hasn't brought up my dating life, is when we were chatting recently about my job situation.

                Anyway, I think a mental "checklist" as far as boundaries is fine, and settling in some areas, is perfectly acceptable and probably wise. That's where I'm at today, with this thought!

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster View Post
                  If you're single for any length of time, you will get advice from others and their constant longing for you to "find someone". It's almost like you're viewed as incomplete until you do. What a weird thing, huh? Like, "Awww....I wish poor kitty would find someone......" as if it's reason to be pitied. haha.

                  I'm not a fan of checklists. Mainly because if I had one, I would have missed out on the top two relationships of my life. Take my current relationship for instance, he is 11 years younger than me. I had never dated someone younger, so if I were making a list, someone that young would've definitely not made the cut. Additionally, he was living at home with his parents. His reasons were good and made sense, but that would've certainly been on my checklist and he wouldn't have made it.
                  I've never had people give me advise. Of course I do have a relative and friend's wife who have tried to set me up, lol.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by a_dub View Post

                    I've never had people give me advise. Of course I do have a relative and friend's wife who have tried to set me up, lol.
                    Maybe it's more of a woman thing. Perhaps people view us as biological clocks more. Lol
                    "Be what you're looking for."

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I am single and happy to be single. I don't have a checklist - or at least a rigid one - but do want an attractive boyfriend. No one really asks me if I'm dating anyone: I am just left alone. I'd much rather be single than in a relationship that I don't really want to be in because people are pressuring me. My needs come before those of a boyfriend. Anyhow, I ignore anyone who pries into my business. I'll only be in a relationship when I want to be in an relationship.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster View Post

                        Maybe it's more of a woman thing. Perhaps people view us as biological clocks more. Lol
                        Makes sense. Im 34 and dont feel a need to sow my seeds anywhere haha.

                        Comment

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