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too jaded?

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    too jaded?

    I think I have never had this happen. And I realized last night, that this is probably a good thing, and how it **should** be, and all I've been thinking is, what in the world is wrong?

    I started talking to a man a couple weeks ago. It wasn't the typical back and forth, but it was nice. We finally met one evening last week and ended up spending about 5 hrs together. Just chatting, people watching.
    Saturday we had an early dinner and wound up hanging out until 2am with some friends. He never tried to kiss me, no hand holding or ***-grabbing, no defensive moves necessary to combat his wandering hands. No awkward make out session at the end of the evening.
    Last night we got together for a couple hours.
    He hasn't once tried to kiss me. I had to initiate the goodbye hug. Driving home, I thought, WTF is happening?

    Texting my friends, alerting them to my perceived trouble. He texted me while I was sounding the alarm bells...and it dawned on me that I just totally overreacted to what's probably a healthy and normal progression of a friendship and possible relationship. He's made every indication that he is interested, other than the physical attack.
    It could be that I'm expecting to be climbed all over, or at least have a verbal play by play made of my body during dinner...and I've become so warped into believing that is how it works all the time, and there must be something wrong if he's not trying to get in my pants by date 2.

    I know on one thread recently, jns touched on over sexualization. I have had guys move more slowly, but this really threw me off. It could be a good thing here, but my mind had wondered off into things like, "maybe he's impotent", etc.
    I'm kind of ashamed that I went there.
    Of course it's too early to know anything...next time we meet I may get mauled. Or we may never meet again.

    It's been an eye opener for me tho.

    I know most of our regulars here are married or in committed relationships. This post isn't necessarily about me, but about how dating and forming romantic relationships works. How we seem to expect things to get physical so early on. "We" being all my friends, male or female. And I'm presuming most people these days are like that.

    I think it can work both ways, of course. I think it's very sad that my mind ran away with me on this, and I wonder how much this happens to others. I know my friends have sent me similar messages after only the first date...

    Anyway, do you think that we've become jaded in our approach to this? That there's a sort of, perceived lack of interest, if no physical attempt is made? Are we moving too quickly physically, in our culture, generally speaking?

    #2
    I think may people have a jaded approach to dating. It seems like you have found a guy that may be old fashioned in how he approaches dating. You initiated a goodby hug and he responded in a genuine hug if I understood it correctly.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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      #3
      He did.
      After my epiphany last night, I decided to let him lead the way. The anticipation is already sort of killing me. Lol

      I guess I'm the one to keep my hands to myself this time

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        #4
        that wasn't my dating experience

        in that I didn't have expectations, but I was also much younger dating
        maybe age makes a difference in expectations? dating in your 40's has to be dif. than teens/20's

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          #5
          Sounds interesting.

          It could be a variety of things (speaking from experience. haha):
          - He's respectful and old fashioned, wanting to take things slow.
          - He lacks confidence in the physical area of things and even though he wants it, it's easier to avoid it.
          - He really has paid attention to you, can tell you're not the type of woman who wants sole emphasis placed on the physical relationship and is truly just trying to respect the boundaries he perceives.

          Only time will tell. In the meantime, it seems you really enjoy spending time together.
          "Be what you're looking for."

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            #6
            Booty grabbing on the first date!? Goodness! Is it like that out there? Maybe the stuff with Aziz Ansari and the other sexual harassment has given people pause.

            I know I'm not "normal" in this area, but I'm even more strict than the Bible. If I were in the market, I simply would not touch a woman I'm dating in any sexual or romantic way until we were married - maybe a quick hug or hand-holding...maybe. A fiancé might get a kiss on the cheek, but for me, physical romantic expression is reserved for my wife. If she's not a wife she's not getting much more than good conversation and a promise of what she'll have when she reaches that point.
            "Those sowing seed with tears
            Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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              #7
              amy things were definitely different years ago, or it is an age thing. I asked one of my friends who's in her late twenties and she said it's the same thing.

              Still, you would be surprised at the come ons I've had to fight off and the stories from my friends...on first or second dates.

              BD, did you have the same experience when dating? There have been times I was more open to the physical attention earlier, but not typically now.
              He has had a crazy history so, I don't think he's lacking confidence. I get the impression he's had a lot of the superficial relationships and genuinely wants something stable and grounded. He travels a lot with work and blames that for no wife or woman sticking around very long. He's close with his family and has a home in the burbs and all the toys, so there's nothing that screams maladjusted fruit loops. He seems normal, very quiet in spirit and easy to talk to. Great eye contact and listens...only once caught his eyes wondering below my chin. Lol

              I've also wondered if it is some sort of vibe I've put out there...did I seem easy? I've always been told kind of the opposite, so I don't think that's it. He even asked me if I realize how intimidating I am, at first meeting...which makes no sense.
              Anyway, I really didn't mean for this to be so much about me. I'm quite happy with the slower take off and just hope it continues.

              Is it this online dating & networking that seems to be the only way to meet people any more? The men I have met through other means are the same sort of forward, no holds barred kind of approach to getting to know me.
              Even men that have been asked to back off, won't.
              It's a lack of respect on many levels.

              I think the availability of easy fixes is a big part of it. If I don't give them what they need, immediately, it's only a few clicks away. There's no incentive to get to know anyone or spend any time getting to know them. There's so many people available for anything you can imagine.

              I have never been prone to sexual involvement too early. I've pushed my boundaries, of course.

              I'm ready for a settled, stable, healthy working relationship again. When it comes my way I hope I have sense enough to recognize it.

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                #8
                Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                I'm ready for a settled, stable, healthy working relationship again. When it comes my way I hope I have sense enough to recognize it.
                maybe he will be the one?



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                  #9
                  The one to what? Lol
                  Oh...you mean THAT one?

                  I'm not necessarily a believer in that "one".


                  It's a good time... we're having fun together and I hope that continues. He's invited me to see him out of town tonight, as he can't leave his post even tho he's just an hour away from home.
                  Fun stuff

                  I have a temporary fill in job that starts tomorrow so, I'm a happy girl. His company makes everything else just a bit sweeter.

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                    #10
                    Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                    I have a temporary fill in job that starts tomorrow so, I'm a happy girl. His company makes everything else just a bit sweeter.
                    glad things are looking up for you!
                    and spring is around the corner, too
                    can't get better than that

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                      #11
                      Great news, kitty!
                      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                      ...
                      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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                        #12
                        And they've already bumped up the position they are asking me to fill in for, so I'm optimistic this will lead to a permanent offer, fingers crossed. It's a pay cut, of about half, but the potential is there. We'll see where it leads.

                        Another update: I met this gentleman in his hotel lobby, and we went to dinner and coffee last night. No mention of taking me upstairs. Still just a hug hello and good night.
                        The texting got a bit flirty afterwards, but nothing crazy.

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                          #13
                          This sounds great. IMO, this is what new dating SHOULD be like.
                          "Be what you're looking for."

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                            #14
                            I agree with Beautiful Disaster. He could just be a slow mover and wants to show you respect. You're not in a hurry? Anyhow, even if you only became friends, it is still something. I'd just enjoy getting to know him and you can always keep your options open. There is nothing to stop you dating other men.

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                              #15
                              Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                              And they've already bumped up the position they are asking me to fill in for, so I'm optimistic this will lead to a permanent offer, fingers crossed. It's a pay cut, of about half, but the potential is there. We'll see where it leads.

                              Another update: I met this gentleman in his hotel lobby, and we went to dinner and coffee last night. No mention of taking me upstairs. Still just a hug hello and good night.
                              The texting got a bit flirty afterwards, but nothing crazy.
                              Sounds like he might in fact **be** a "gentleman." Good for you!

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