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too jaded?

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    Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
    To believe it's only gonna end up going bad...as it has countless times before. That There ****must**** be some horrible underlying flaw.

    I don't like thinking this way. I'm trying to stop it.
    It also seems to be a short attention span problem where you are trying to get to the answer before losing interest. Trying to get to the decision point instead of enjoying the process. A short attention span is something that has been societally taught. Of course, business likes quick answers, too. Quick answers are not always the best ones.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      Hadn't thought of that jns, that's a very good point.
      Making efforts to be "in the moment", focused, in other areas of life, but hadn't really applied that to this scenario.
      Maybe I need an adjustment here too.


        I suppose what we realize when in a relationship is we can't control the other person: we can't predict their actions or thoughts and this makes us insecure. This is true for both male and females. This is where our doubts come from. BUT we have to give the other person a chance and feel our way through dating and the relationship. It is difficult to quash those thoughts that he/she is going to break up with us or don't find us attractive enough, but this line of thought gets us nowhere. We have to reduce the stress and take a chance. If things go wrong, they go wrong: no amount of fear or worry will change that. Basically, I'd just get to know the person and take it easy. The worst that can happen is you stop seeing each other.


          After catching up on 3 pages of comments, I would sound a note of caution. Here's what I'm thinking, what if this is just how he is? That there aren't any higher gears of greater energy left... so-to-speak? You have the anticipation that things will be more in-line with your emotional and physical expectations at some point, but there is no guarantee this will happen until the potential for it has been actually demonstrated in all areas you find meaningful and necessary. If anything, the longer he takes to reach this point, the more it suggests the outcome will be longer, disappointing or possibly both. Yes, he could be old-school, taking things very slowly, etc., but in my experience, a person who's into a woman should demonstrate it respectfully with the right progression, timing and intensity. The butterflies should definitely be building like a carefully tended fire until the relationship burns brightly.


            Thanks for commenting Baja. I wonder that too, actually and I think it was covered briefly somewhere here in the post...
            I do wonder if he's just not physically affectionate...is he this, is he that? Analyzing all the reasons a man isn't trying to get in my pants!
            I've decided just to let it be. I enjoy his company, and that's really enough. Jns' comment struck a cord with me... I'm just going to sit back and get to know him, build respect and when I have real answers I will act accordingly. There's actually been no "red flag" here. I'm creating one by over thinking at this point. When I asked, he gave me a thorough, rather telling answer, and I don't have reason to doubt or disrespect his position on this. We've only known each other a short time...

            We haven't seen each other for awhile. His schedule and mine, haven't allowed it, and it will probably be another week before we can meet, as it's looking. It's hard getting to know someone this way, but he messages me as he's able.

            And Baja, if you're still around, do you have any thoughts on what this post was **supposed** to be about? About how we come to expect the worst, when dating and getting to know someone?
            I guess it goes for social and professional connection, as well as dating...how jaded are we?
            Maybe it's just me and my circle...


              I second your post, baja.


                Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                how we come to expect the worst, when dating and getting to know someone?
                Maybe it's just me and my circle...
                first I thought it was just your circle.....
                but maybe people are more cautious these days

                the last couple weddings we went to were people in their 30's not 20's
                people maybe cautious and waiting longer?


                  I had a rather brief talk with a 28 yr old woman and a 24 yr old man. Didn't get into great detail, just touched on this. She gave me the impression she feels this way too, that she sort of automatically thinks the worst, because it's just happened so many times. No serious relationship since early twenties.

                  Guy said he isn't, but feels like the girls are. He genuinely wants a serious girlfriend and wants to be married and have kids in the next few years, and girls he meets just can't grasp the concept.

                  So...maybe it isn't me, or my age group


                    Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                    And Baja, if you're still around, do you have any thoughts on what this post was ****suppose******** to be about? About how we come to expect the worst, when dating and getting to know someone?
                    I guess it goes for social and professional connection, as well as dating...how jaded are we?
                    Maybe it's just me and my circle...
                    Sure, sorry about that, I was too caught up analyzing the guy. So here's my $0.02... Hmm, honestly I'd say it's impossible to go through life without being burned by some combination of people in your family, relationships or work environment, and harder still not to let these disappointments steadily erode your default optimism, faith and inherent trust in another. Of course, we are all different, we each have our own unique starting points, past experiences, frames of reference, emotion and perceptive abilities that sometimes leads us to pick someone we think is just fine until we later discover that our perspective was incomplete. Happens to the best of us. For me, I'm very optimistic and extremely intuitive, if I don't get a good vibe from someone, they'll stay in the acquaintance or friend zones, but if the vibe is good, then I jump into it looking to experience someone new, see the world through their eyes -- we all want and deserve that next chance! I could share some real stories here, but suffice it to say, I've had too many experiences that confirm there are no coincidences, that your "gut" feeling is pointing you to something that the rest of you hasn't fully figured out yet. So I'd ask this, do you truly expect the worst (i.e. not listening to that inner voice of yours) or are you feeling something that points to a future problem? Put the past behind you, trust your gut and take those chances!


                      What I'm finding for me, at least, is that I'm struggling to know what's intuition, or that strong sense i used to have, and this jaded outlook. I'm noticing it with more than just dating relationships. It's sort of overwhelmed my sense of judgement.
                      I thought I'd be better at listening to my gut as I got older, but I'm just not even sure any more what's my good sense and what's this skepticism...

                      My sense is that I should be taking this as it comes and enjoying...then, I think it's too good to be true... that any minute he's gonna ghost, or that the monster will emerge...and maybe it will. For now, I'm letting the wave Take me and not giving in to the negative. I'm naturally pretty trusting and it seems like I've turned in to a cynic and question everything any more. I don't like it.
                      Last edited by atskitty2; 03-24-2018, 06:08 AM.


                        Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                        I thought I'd be better at listening to my gut as I got older, but I'm just not even sure any more what's my good sense and what's this skepticism...
                        kitty, I looked up your personality type and you're "the scientist"
                        so when it comes to dating don't think you operate from your gut

                        I just went out on dates and had fun
                        I didn't have a plan but just came home and wrote down where we went on my calendar, that's it

                        you're scientific and follow your "scientific method" when it comes to life and dating
                        but with INTJs re dating, the human nature might be left out of the equation


                          I don't think I approach with quite the same methodical rhythm as you're suggesting, but it's possible. In my former career, so much of the scientist in me was used up, exhausted, maybe I'm just transferring that into other areas of my life, now that I'm really beginning to miss my work...

                          Good thought tho... I'm gonna chew on that awhile.


                            I am a slow mover in a relationship. If the man doesn't like it, I leave it his problem. I fall seldom, but when I do I fall hard. As for society, we are encouraged to be physically passionate: it's all splashed across in the magazines. I think humans have always been physical, though. But there must also be respect: whether male or female. It is OK to be frigid [as an awful word that is] sometimes. No one wants to be passionate 24 hours a day. BUT if a potential partner never tries to kiss his/her date, it does become offensive. If there is no physical contact, it does make you question the other person's attraction for you. Also, attraction can take a while to build. Chemistry it not always quick acting. Sometimes your most wonderful lover is the one that started a best friend.


                              There is over-analyzing going on here IMO. I don't see any explicit red flags. Yeah, maybe he moves slower than some guys. But he could also just be well-composed. I think a lot of this worry has to do with women, in general, wanting to be desired. Most guys have no qualms about expressing their desire. The prob is that a lot of these can guys go overboard and come off as "desperate" or "creepy," and this kills the woman's attraction to the guy.
                              "Are you serious? You're bleeping THAT girl?" - jen1447


                                I agree SA. And this post wasn't technically supposed to be about me or this current situationship.

                                I'm still talking to this guy, tho haven't been able to see each other for awhile, and won't for at least another 10 days.
                                Everyone tells me, this is trouble...I should be ditching. Maybe they're all right. Maybe I should.

                                It seems like I'm jaded to what a foundation should be, due to all the crazy romantic history I have...and others who are telling me things. Their cloudy judgement isn't helping me either. I think that says more about them, than what my position should be.
                                I don't wanna be this person that continues to carry the crap of all the craziness into every potential relationship. This pace is fine with me, why can't I just let it be😊

                                This is probably too deep a discussion for here...

                                I'm hanging out. I'm chatting with someone that I enjoy and I'm going to go out with other men as I would normally. Neither he nor I are losing anything by chatting and staying in touch. I'll see him again when we can.