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My nasty brother wants to visit me

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  • My nasty brother wants to visit me

    My mother called me and asked me if my brother could come and stay with me for 1-3 months. I so much wanted to say NO but couldn't bring myself to do it. I told her I would talk it over with my husband and let her know.

    He was the nastiest brother anyone could have. He was caught pepping in my window and my sisters window, once with 2 of his boy friends. He was always spying on us girls and used to go through our things when we was out. Father disciplined him many times but he didn't change. I haven't seen him in 8 years and he has never called or contacted me in any way. When me and my husband visited my parents in Hawaii, I suspect he was spying on us at night. He just dropped out of college in his junior year. My sister tells me that a girl at school had accused him of groping her and making lewd advances. She also said he tried to force himself on her friend after a beach barbecue. All this is reason enough not to want him here but I have an even bigger reason.

    I am bisexual and live with my husband and my girlfriend and have sex with them both. Nobody in my family knows this except my sister. If my brother stayed here he would find out about my arrangement and I'm afraid he would tell my parents. I'm not ashamed of the way I live but I don't think my parents would understand and I don't want to hurt them.

    I can't lie to my mother but I have to think of some way to stop him from coming here.
    sigpic
    Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
    ― Bodhidharma

  • #2
    1-3 months is a long time for a relative to live with you. Maybe you could rent him a motel room in town since space would be tight. That would probably be better for both him and you. I'm sure that any secrets would be out after he came to lived with you and he probably would relish any destruction he caused if your description of him is correct.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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    • #3
      He dropped out of college, so he needs to find a job, not take a vacation at his sister's house.

      Comment


      • #4
        I would absolutely, without any doubt in my mind whatsoever, say NO.

        First and foremost, there is a child involved in this situation and you simply cannot risk the child's safety by allowing someone whom you STRONGLY suspect as a sexual predator to live inside of your home.

        Second but just as important, you are a survivor of a terrible sexual assault from your past. You have come SO FAR in healing from that and learning to live with that. There is no chance you should put yourself in the position to possibly be victimized in ANY way (even if it's just peeping). That kind of thing could be extremely detrimental to you and your family.

        Third, your gf would also likely become a victim of his behaviors. It isn't fair to anyone, not you, not her, not your husband, or your child to be subjected in the comforts of their own home to someone like your brother.

        Last, like you said, this would infringe upon your privacy.

        Just no. 100% no.
        "Be what you're looking for."

        Comment


        • #5
          I'm totally with BD. Adding a dozen exclamation points.

          I can't even believe this is a consideration for you Chaya. Please, think of your own well being first, rather than trying to please someone else. This has trouble written all over it, in many languages, just no!
          Do you even want to see him, or visit with him at all?

          You don't owe him or your mom any explanation either. A "no" is sufficient. You're a grown woman with a family and home and you're under no obligation to accept anyone, family or otherwise.

          I know the cultural differences, the expectation you may feel. This is about human decency, self respect and protection of your daughter and trumps all cultural meaning, in my opinion. Please, please don't allow this to happen.
          Many hugs and support, my dear.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post

            A "no" is sufficient. .
            agree with this, as women we feel we need to give reasons but "no" is an answer



            Comment


            • #7
              Even if he had a room in a motel, he would still want to spend most of his time here. He wouldn't know anyone here except me and our aunt. I had thought of asking if he could stay with our aunt but because she has a teenage daughter, our cousin, I wouldn't trust him. I talked to mom again, and said we were concerned we didn't have room for him to stay with us. She told me he was asked to leave school or they would have pressed charges against him. She is not sure about everything he did. He is fighting so much with dad that they have almost came to blows. That's why she wants to get him away for a while until things cool off. I told her I was concerned about the lack of space and we all work so he would be alone here a lot of the time. I suggested to her that he should get a job and a place of his own there in Hawaii. It would be easier for him to find work there and it would be very hard here.

              In the end, if we can't come up with an acceptable alternative, I'll have to let him come. He's my brother, good or bad, I can't turn him away. If I did I'd never be able to live with myself. I know you will all think I am a fool but that's how I am. If it comes down to it and he is going to come I will have to tell my mother about my double life her. I'd rather she hears it from me than from him.

              I just want to get past this, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I don't trust myself at work and have others covering for me.
              sigpic
              Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
              ― Bodhidharma

              Comment


              • #8
                I knew family obligations were going to be hard to ignore. I would still urge you to have him stay at a motel. Even if he comes over a lot, it will be when you or your husband can observe him.
                I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                ...
                Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                Comment


                • #9
                  He is not your responsibility. I'm sorry Chaya, but being "how you are" is perfectly fine until it puts your child and loved ones at risk. Then, it is NOT okay. Allowing him into your home does exactly that. THEY are your first responsibility.
                  "Be what you're looking for."

                  Comment


                  • #10

                    Chaya, you can't eat or sleep and he isn't even here yet. That might tell you he should not stay with you.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      So you wouldn't trust him in a home with your cousin? And you won't allow that, but you will allow him into your own home to torment you and those you love? Do you not see how ridiculous this is?

                      I understand your feeling of familial obligation to your parents and brother, I do. What I cannot understand is not having the same for your own daughter and family in your home. They are priority.
                      At best, your brother will bring drama and upheaval to the home.
                      At worst, you'll have your daughter molested. What part of any of that is acceptable?

                      There comes a time we have to let go of the sense of responsibility we have toward others, and tend to ourselves and our own. It's time to do that, and it's ok to do that! You're not breaking any rules. As for the customs you are choosing to follow, it's just time to lay that down and recognize that every cultural habit we have formed, is not necessarily a good or "moral" ideology to adhere to. Protection of our children comes first. That's an evolutionary phenomenon and I'd think it's stronger than any customary practice you've been taught. Where are your instincts, your intuition? Your gut is telling you this is trouble. I'm begging you to listen to it.

                      You've been able to let all that go in order to live an "alternative" lifestyle with your gf and husband. Why can you not do the same thing to protect yourself AND your gf and daughter?

                      I'm not particularly sorry if this sounds harsh to you. I've felt so much compassion for you over the years, but that has worn thin at the thought of you placing your daughter in danger, by choice.
                      Last edited by atskitty2; 03-21-2017, 01:53 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Ask your husband to say no on this. Then you can tell your mother that your husband said no. He will come off as the bad guy but I think he can and will be able to handle that role. In fact, he may be happy to do it. I'm sure he would not want your brother around to possibly get into his things including his weapons.
                        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                        ...
                        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I talked to my sister, when she found out how upset I was, she told not to worry, he was not coming. She said she would see to that. She was unaware that mom war pushing me to have him visit me. She told me if necessary, she would tell mom all she know about his behavior. That is something I could never bring myself to do. She assured me that she would take care of it. She will call me back later today and have mom talk to me too. After I talked to her I felt much better. I told my girlfriend the whole story and when my husband came home I told him too. When I finished, he said he absolutely did not want him in his house. If I had told him before I would have saved myself a lot of worry. Last night I read that jns had suggested that I do just that.

                          None of you will understand this but I still feel responsibility for turning my back on him. I will have to live with this on my conscious and accept the bad karma for my betrayal. He is my brother and I should have accepted him and tried to help him.

                          Thanks you everyone, I owe you more than I can ever repay.
                          sigpic
                          Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
                          ― Bodhidharma

                          Comment


                          • #14

                            chaya, in your first post, you said you haven't seen or talked with him in 8 years
                            have you not been back to Hawaii in 8 yrs then?

                            if you feel guilty at all about that , you could visit or call him

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                            • #15
                              How exactly did you betray him? Or your mom?

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