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parenting your parents

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    #16
    I sympathize with you. I've seen this stuff tear apart families - in my own and with my clients. I think you just have to include the parents in discussions and planning. Speak your mind to your siblings and make sure they aren't contributing to their decline through neglect or or abuse (the regret burns later if they die and you haven't stood up for them. There's still sore feelings between my mother and her siblings over stuff they let one get away with when my grandma was dying). You also have to realize that your way isn't the only way - listen, be tactful, and be yielding.

    -------

    My mother and stepfather will comply with discussing. Our faith recommends it and has suggestions on what should be discussed. He's an elder in our faith, so they really can't say no.

    My father is a bit more of a hard case, since he seems to think he's immortal. My oldest little brother and the sister right beneath me will support me with he and his wife, though. My wife's parents will also listen to us. We'll get it done. It's just a matter of doing it. Now there's no more waiting.
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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      #17
      Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
      Now, in these frigid temps, his furnace quit working. I'm told that he refuses to leave.
      hope someone can get a repair person out quickly

      our furnace went out one winter and turns out it was just a switch
      we were lucky to get someone out in a few hrs but our house went down to 55 degrees in that time
      imagine with these colder temps, his place will go much colder

      our news person said a person can get frostbite in ten min outside
      is your family calling or checking on him that he doesn't go outside walking?

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        #18
        Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
        Historically, Mom holds grudges and once she's upset, there's no forgiveness or mercy given.
        strangely women are often like that
        ​​​I had an older friend who cut off ties with her life long friend
        my mom also lost good friends when she cut off her engagement so she always told me "you can't trust people"

        don't know why some women do that but I think we feel deeply and it is just harder for women to forgive
        hoping your mom will forgive and find some peace

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          #19
          Still, when/if dementia hits, matters of faith and family may be less prevalent in their life. My dad is a man of faith, but there's no evidence of it at this point. The night I spent with him, he did still sit and "pray" before laying down. I'm not sure if he actually prayed or if this habit of sitting by the bed has just stuck. He sat there for 30 minutes, and looked at me occasionally. I think he dozed off! Lol
          He was as god-fearing and serving as you'd find.

          Anyway, my point is, you may think they'll listen, but as they age, they change. I hope it doesn't happen quite the same for you, but there may be no reasoning with, or cooperation from them. Their ability to think logically, to be reasonable is just gone. They cannot seem to comprehend the simplest things any more, such as eating a meal or bathing, warm clothes, or cool clothes...my dad can't even tell for sure if he's hungry...

          I wish I had foreseen the trouble, to get his wishes in writing when he was in a better frame of mind. Or at least tell me what he would have wanted us to do with him.

          If you take a few steps now, it may save you some heartache later. Obviously I don't have the answers, but trying something is surely better than what we've done.

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            #20
            Amy, my brothers borrowed some gas heaters and left those in there, and took the fuel away so he can't mess with it. They're still trying to get the furnace repaired. My brother said it's still cold in there but not dangerously so.

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              #21
              So, I did something I'm pretty certain would anger my siblings. I anonymously reported Dad to the protective services for his county. I just can't live with this on my conscience, if I don't do something.

              Who knows if they will even investigate. And I may never know, if they don't take action...
              Or they may find that he's ok where he is... in which case, I can at least Know that I tried.

              I guess my thought was, just to get outside, unbiased thought and evaluation.

              It's a small town, backward. No idea the quality of social services but I suspect that it's poor, but it's something. The one person I told, didn't support my decision. I believe I did what I needed to do tho.

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                #22
                Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                So, I did something I'm pretty certain would anger my siblings. I anonymously reported Dad to the protective services for his county. I just can't live with this on my conscience, if I don't do something.
                good for you!
                do you think your siblings will say something to you if they do investigate so you'll know what happens?
                hopefully they will investigate and they help him into better shelter


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                  #23
                  Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                  The one person I told, didn't support my decision.
                  Why not?

                  ----

                  I've made some progress in the past few months, but not nearly as much as I'd hoped. We haven't spoken to anyone about their wishes. We have spoken to them about speaking about them, though. I was surprised at my mother's negative response, but she said, "Okay." She joked about moving in with us...I guess it was a joke.

                  My stepfather's cancer was successfully treated. We're closest to them out of our parents and we bonded even more over this issue. He had some great doctors and we got some real insight about his other conditions. One of them even recommended dietary adjustments. I took a risk and kept asking questions and gently directing the conversation until the words came from his mouth, not mine. My wife, mother, and I were pleased.

                  I mentioned in some other threads that he and my mother both did make changes, in particular with their diets. He's seen improvements just from those. Even my wife got caught up in the excitement and made some changes. I'm thrilled.
                  "Those sowing seed with tears
                  Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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                    #24
                    Eventually I will hear about it, if my siblings know. If someone talks to dad and he doesn't remember, and nothing is done, obviously I won't know.
                    He forgets so much. If I call him 2 hours after I've left him, he doesn't remember seeing me...he doesn't remember eating a meal 15 mins ago...etc. doesn't know whether he's hungry, what day it is, etc

                    The person I asked thinks it's his choice to be where he is. I do agree, but he's incapable of making other choices and he's a danger to himself, in my opinion, and others. he is driving, and I think that needs to stop. I saw him back into a pole and then into a building. A building!!
                    I noticed his vehicle has a lot of dents and dings.

                    Something needs to be done and if we can't come together as a family to do it, then I felt the only thing to do is let outsiders evaluate the situation. I don't like it, but if he injures himself or kills someone on the road, I can say that I at least tried to intervene.

                    I feel like my siblings see him often enough and are a bit desensitized to how bad it's gotten in the past year. I believe they care, I think they just haven't realized the sharp decline, and don't want the confrontational situation.

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                      #25
                      Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                      he's incapable of making other choices and he's a danger to himself, in my opinion, and others. he is driving, and I think that needs to stop. I saw him back into a pole and then into a building. A building!!
                      I admit to being iffy, until this...not that it's any of my business. But it sounds like you made a wise decision. If someone gets hurt, you've got to ask yourself if you can live with what you did or did not do.
                      "Those sowing seed with tears
                      Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                      Comment


                        #26
                        Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                        Eventually I will hear about it, if my siblings know. If someone talks to dad and he doesn't remember, and nothing is done, obviously I won't know.
                        He forgets so much. If I call him 2 hours after I've left him, he doesn't remember seeing me...he doesn't remember eating a meal 15 mins ago...etc. doesn't know whether he's hungry, what day it is, etc

                        The person I asked thinks it's his choice to be where he is. I do agree, but he's incapable of making other choices and he's a danger to himself, in my opinion, and others. he is driving, and I think that needs to stop. I saw him back into a pole and then into a building. A building!!
                        I noticed his vehicle has a lot of dents and dings.

                        Something needs to be done and if we can't come together as a family to do it, then I felt the only thing to do is let outsiders evaluate the situation. I don't like it, but if he injures himself or kills someone on the road, I can say that I at least tried to intervene.

                        I feel like my siblings see him often enough and are a bit desensitized to how bad it's gotten in the past year. I believe they care, I think they just haven't realized the sharp decline, and don't want the confrontational situation.
                        You made a decision and acted. Others did nothing but have irresolution and inaction.
                        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                        ...
                        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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                          #27
                          I even brought up the driving situation, and what I saw, to my sister. She knows, and said last time she rode with him, there was a near miss at full speed, so she won't ride with him. He misjudged distance and turned in front of an oncoming car that had to brake to avoid them.
                          I said don't you think it's time to do something then? If you don't feel safe? No, he rarely goes out of town...
                          How do we know? I said he could really hurt himself or someone else, in that van even in the city!

                          That was it for me.

                          I realize I'm going to have regrets no matter what happens...there is just no easy or "right" way to do this.

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                            #28
                            You're caught in an impossible situation atskitty2. There is no right or wrong: there is only what you must do. It is heartbreaking, and I do understand. Your dad does need help: there is no way around it. You'll be doing what is right, at the end of the day.

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