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Gutted Granny

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  • Gutted Granny

    Hi all. Ive noticed the last 4 or so months that my almost five year old grandaughter seems less delighted to see me. I do quite a bit of looking after her at her own home while her mother ,my daughter, works from home preparing childrens dance lessons for the school she runs. My daughter is very busy and relys on my help which I give freely. Miss 5 used to bounce to the door to greet me but lately she just stands looking very disinterested in me but is happy to play the wonderful creative games I dream up for her and her 2 year old sister. Ive accepted it was an age thing untill yesterday at a family mothersday gathering at her home, my daughter led her to the door to greet us but we got the cool reception. She was even cool to my husband, her grandfather who she used to adore. But then the other grandparents arrived and she raced to the door excited and spent the whole time playing with them. I had to leave for twenty minutes to deliver something for someone and when I returned through the doir Miss five yelled out to me, "why did you come back!!" I quickly retreated back out the door and hid, (wanted to run and cry) , and my daughter led her out to find me and I pretended it was a joke. When leaving she didnt want to say goodbye just wanted to keep playing with the other grandparents who she sees an equal ammount of time to us. We have never been the type of grandparents who come to the door with cakes and presents(like the others used to until they were asked to stop ) but have always showered the girls with love and attention and lots of creative play. Im feeling gutted and cast aside by a little girl who used to adore me. Im not blaming the other grandparents. Im just feeling like they must be more they type of grandparents she feels happy with. My daughter did message me later to ask if I was ok and she noticed I seemed stressed but she never mentioned miss fives behavior. I imagine she would be leaving it up to me to raise the issue, we are very close. Help!! do I talk to my daughter about this and how do I approach it if at all. Or do I stop lavishing miss 5 with so much attention and get on with adoring our other three grandchildren.

  • I think you have to talk to your daughter. Somewhere there is an answer to your granddaughter's sudden coolness. Maybe it was something on TV. Maybe it was something someone said in her presence. Maybe it is jealousy that you include her 2 year old sister in the games. Something. Try to backtrack to figure out when the change occurred. Good luck and welcome to WH!
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • Thanks and I agree. Im hoping the other grandparents havnt said anything. We actually all get on very well and have always been good friends. I have felt the dynamics of the friendship change since we share grandchlldren though but not in a bad way. Just that we share something enormously precious. Miss nearly 5 has her birthday comming up in a couple of weeks and I feel sick at the thought of going to the family party and being hurt again. I dont want to upset anyone and wish I could just get over it. How do do I address it with my daughter? What do I say?


      • I'm sorry for the hurt you must be feeling.
        I agree with jns, and have a few other comments. A child that age could have heard something and got the message all mixed up in her mind. It's hard telling what may have happened. She may have completely misunderstood something.

        Don't discount the idea of a phase she's going through. I've seen it in my family.

        She may also be favoring the ones that do less for her, because you're always there. It may be a sense of balance she's trying to make, in her mind.

        I'd talk to your daughter about it, and if it continues, together talk to your granddaughter.

        Update us pls. I wish you well.


        • Thanks so much. Yes all that makes sense. She is an extreemly bright little girl and used to be very sensitive to others feelings so she may be going through a bit of emotional growth and sensativity has been left out for a while. However after thinking about the sugestion that she may have heard something I remembered she said to me a few months ago that her daddy said that I was "always at her house" .
          I wondered about it at the time and considered it may have been an issue discussed with my daughter and her husband but decided not to say anything and try not to be so available. Now Im thinkng this might just have been the trigger!!. I will put this nicely /gently to my daughter and mention her change of attitude particularly to me. Hopefully we might be able to counter balance what was said. If that wasnt the trigger I will just have to admit to myself that I am a boring unwanted Granny. By the way I never go there unless invited . I will chat to daughter this week and let you know.


          • You're not a boring, unwanted granny! Stop with the negative talk my dear! Hugs

            She loves you, no doubt. And she's a child that hasn't developed the skills yet to think logically through whatever is happening in her thoughts. Realize that this is NOT personal.

            You're dealing with it in a healthy way I think, by acknowledgement and addressing it. It hurts!

            Our relationships change over the years. I've watched my mom struggling with the changes with her many grandkids, and myself with my nephews and nieces. It's hard!

            This will very likely pass fairly quickly, and you'll be close again. But also realize that she's at a transition point also, about to gain a piece of Independence, really, with kindergarten around the corner. Your relationship is changing. That's ok.
            You're going to be fine. Weather the changes by remembering that it's normal and healthy for her to pass these milestones and gradually think more for herself. That's just growing up. The love and strength will always be there, just demonstrated differently!

            Hugs Granny. Happy mother's day too, for yesterday!


            • Thanks Atskitty2. Im trying hard not to take it personally but when every family gathering we have involves the other grandparents and I see how she delights and interacts with them, Im finding Im really feeling her lack of interest in us. I might try giving her space and just stay out of the scene for a while. The other grandparents see at least as much, if not more of the kids as we do. Just feeling sensative I guess. Tell me if Im over thinking. ??


              • I agree 100% with atskitty2. I don't have much more to add, but you're definitely NOT a boring, unwanted granny. Your granddaughter must have misjudged something and gotten it all mixed up in her mind. I am sure things will be resolved and your granddaughter will warm up to you again.


                • I'm guessing a lot of it has to do with the frequency of being around her. If you help with her a lot, then she's gotten used to seeing you sort of like children are with their parents. Someone new or less frequent arrives and it's EXCITING. But if grandma is around all the time, kiddo just gets used to it. Don't take it personally!
                  "Be what you're looking for."


                  • You may be overthinking, but I think you're just concerned and wanting to address any issue before it gets too far along.

                    Sensitive? Maybe, but again, that is your concern.

                    You're very close, you do a lot of the caregiving so there's probably a part of you feeling competitive with the other grands, wanting to be the fave since you are the one watching her.
                    Could that be a component to this too?

                    I saw that in my Mom with a couple of her grandsons that she mostly raised. She got jealous at times, and I could understand why.

                    Have you spoke to your daughter yet?


                    • Oh thank you all for your replys. Its amazing how someone on the outside can see whats happening. You are quite right Askitty in saying I feel I deserve to be the fav. After all she is the daughter of my daughter. I have no right to feel that but cant help myself just a tad. But to be honest right now I would be happy to feel equal to the other grandparents who she sees just as much as me. Anyway I have had a quick chat to my daughter who seems to think Miss 5 is just maturing and not that concerned. I didnt mention how gutted I was. She said I can back off a bit and see what happens if I like. She also has no idea who would have said that I was always there (I didnt tell her it was apparently her husband that said it) . She did say its just miss 5s personality but its hard for me because up until a few months ago miss 5 was delighted to see me. Im to have more of a chat with her tomorrow when I call in for material but I think I might just say Im sensative, other stuff going on and I will get over it which I will. I will let you know how I go. I REALLY apreciate all your thoughts/comments. You people are the best!!!


                      • Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster View Post
                        I'm guessing a lot of it has to do with the frequency of being around her. If you help with her a lot, then she's gotten used to seeing you sort of like children are with their parents. Someone new or less frequent arrives and it's EXCITING. But if grandma is around all the time, kiddo just gets used to it. Don't take it personally!
                        hi secret keeper

                        inclined to agree with BD as reading your post, it seems you help out your daughter a lot and also that it was spoken by her dad that you're always at her house

                        just enjoy your granddaughter and not "expect" from a 5 yr old
                        expectations are what lead to disappointments with people
                        NO ONE can live up to expectations

                        best to you


                        • tried to edit but unable...
                          but meant to say not to put "your" expectations on how she "should" act but instead just enjoy her


                          • Thanks Amy40. I have just had another very healthy chat to my daughter and she agrees both her and I are supersensative. I virtually answered her with your exact words that I will no longer expect any reaction but just enoy my grandaughters presence. And allow her to be a healthy emotional person too with out expecting her to be responsible for making me feel good. Thank you all sooooo much. All good!!


                            • I am sorry you had to go through that, secretkeeper: being unwanted - even from a little girl - can be upsetting and concerning. I am sure you're a great granny! I do also agree with amy40: it is best not to put expectations onto people. I am sure you didn't do it intentionally, but children can be fickle. The slightest thing can turn them off someone, then suddenly they're best friends with that person again. It is never personal: it is just immaturity. But do enjoy your days with your granddaughter and see how things pan out. I am sure she loves you very much.


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