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I dont trust Mother

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  • I dont trust Mother

    My older sister and I are not sure how to react/feel about this situation. My father died about 5 years ago and my mother mid 80s moved into a smaller house leaving her with a good profit which we found later to be gone from her account with no reason. She spends nothing on herself at all. She had a fall early last year but was able to return home after treatment. She made my older sister the "power of Attorney " with intention for my sister to pay mothers bills online. We have a younger single brother in his late 40s who is the favorite but he does not deal with internet well or she would have asked him to do the bills. Half way through last year my sister noticed large amounts dissapearing from mums account including the hpuse profit. We know she has always given our younger brother cash (never us) but the regular ammounts going out indicate she is paying his bills and his house off though she wont admit it to us. My sister aproached mum about the dissapearing money worried she was being scammed or fleeced and it resulted in a huge fight and ending with mum saying she doesnt know where her money is going one minute and then the next its her business. We know our brother would accept anything she would give him. We all chip in equally to help her and my sister and I feel we should all be treated equally. She makes no secret he is her golden child and we feel hurt that she knows we suspect she is handing all her money over to him and she doesnt care. My sister had to smooth things over with her because we also suspect she would use any reason to write us out of her will so he could get everything. Shes always been a bit sneeky and at times quite nasty to my sister and I. Should we "suck it up" let her give him everything and just keep helping her because she is our elderly mother? Do we have a right to feel betrayed and unloved? Used even? Money is not everything we know but its the inequality and sneaky lies from both our mother and our brother who has made it obvious he doesnt want to talk about it but wont admit shes handing regular large ammounts of money over. God we could all do will a hand financially if its on offer Thoughts? Thanks. !!

  • Unless you think someone I should being abused or scammed, I don’t see where it’s anybody's business who someone’s favorite is or how they spend their money.

    Taking care of one’s parents is not a for profit job any more than raising kids. You do it because it’s your responsibility and you love them. It’s different if the care falls on one child and they have to sacrifice substantial financial resources that make life hard for them and the parent shows no consideration for that. But if you’re just looking out for the person that brought you into the world and cared for you, I’d say you’re doing what your supposed to do.
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

    Comment


    • Thanks for the reply Stillness. It does my head in wondering what I should be feeling/thinking. We were so worried someone was scamming her but she wont hear of us investigating it so we have to take it she knows where her money is going which is at least a relief if that is the case . If she would just admit she is giving my brother everything we could at least accept and move on from the worry but I dont know that we will get over the hurt of feeling unequal. Do you think thats ok for one to be treated special (even aside from the money help side of things) and that we should just be happy accepting of that. ? I would always treat my children as equal as possible with my time and help, and make them all feel important as each other. I couldnt stand to think one felt I was giving more of myself /love/help to the other. Maybe Im obsessed with everything being even in a very uneven world.

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      • As Stillness indicated, it's her money. Unless you feel she is being taken advantage of it's her right to do with her money as she likes. The one thing that is curious though is if she is of sound mind and can make her own decisions why the power of attorney? Usually Pof As are assigned in the chance that the person is not able to take care of themselves. For instance should she fall and hit her head or have a stroke, then the PofA could kick in. It's usually not while the person can direct their own affairs. I would think at best your sister should have a joint account and use that for bills etc.

        Does your brother have access to this account in any way?

        If you feel your mother is being scammed or taken advantage of I'd contact an attorney, get a court order for a full accounting of her affairs. It may be that everything is on the up and up and if not, then at least you'll know.





        That which we forget may as well never really happened.

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        • Thanks Claret. Its so good to get outsiders thoughts. We certainly wont investigate without mothers knowledge and approval. If she stated very clearly that she has absolutely no idea why the constant withdrawals we would encourage her to let the 3 of us set up an investigation. My mother gives my brother her key card to take money out of the teller machine she has told us that, but where the money goes from there we have no idea. We worried someone was comming to the door demanding money but she has made it clear shes got it sorted and no need for investigation. My elder sister is the one doing the most for her. Travels around taking her for appointments and shopping etc but now Mum only wants our brother to shop for her. Mother is quite mean to my sister even though she is the one doing the most for her. I have offered so many times to clean her house weekly but she wont let me. I get sarcastic comments from her if I as much as sweep the floor for her and she will tell me to stop but she will then tell me how wonderful my brother was for mowing her lawn. She seems very sound of mind but is prone to falling having balance problems and wont always use a support so rather than wait until she hit her head she decided my sister should be assigned POA now. I sometimes feel she plays each of us against the other. Im just not sure what to think. If she is being scammed we cant help her unless she agrees.
          Last edited by secretkeeper; 01-30-2019, 10:02 PM.

          Comment


          • While it is her money to do as she pleases, if her care is being provided by some at the expense of their own families and not as much by the one who will inherit everything, I can see where discontent starts. As a holder of Power of Attorney, I believe your older sister has legal responsibilities. She should consult with an attorney about what they are. I could see her relinquishing the Power of Attorney if she is not able to fulfill her obligations due to your mother's interference.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            ...
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

            Comment


            • Thanks Claret. Its so good to get outsiders thoughts. We certainly wont investigate without mothers knowledge and approval. If she stated very clearly that she has absolutely no idea why the constant withdrawals we would encourage her to let the 3 of us set up an investigation. My mother gives my brother her key card to take money out of the teller machine she has told us that, but where the money goes from there we have no idea. We worried someone was comming to the door demanding money but she has made it clear shes got it sorted and no need for investigation. My elder sister is the one doing the most for her. Travels around taking her for appointments and shopping etc but now Mum only wants our brother to shop for her. Mother is quite mean to my sister even though she is the one doing the most for her. I have offered so many times to clean her house weekly but she wont let me. I get sarcastic comments from her if I as much as sweep the floor for her and she will tell me to stop but she will then tell me how wonderful my brother was for mowing her lawn. She seems very sound of mind but is prone to falling having balance problems and wont always use a support so rather than wait until she hit her head she decided my sister should be assigned POA now. I sometimes feel she plays each of us against the other. Im just not sure what to think. If she is being scammed we cant help her unless she agrees.

              Comment


              • Yes my brother does have access to her account but it is via a key card which she gives him to use. I guess she knows what she wants and she is doing what she wants. It is their business for sure. Who knows what he needs money for that she is paying out for. Perhaps they have a secret we have no business in knowing about. Dont we all have secrets. I think I will let them be. Im pretty convinced there is no scammer but I will get my sister to check out her obligations as the POA. Thanks for your thoughts. I am feeling a bit more clear in the head over everything.

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                • I suppose it is your mother's money to spend as she pleases. But - even though she is sound of mind - she is older and your brother could be taking advantage of that. I am not saying he's a troublemaker, but what he is spending that money on: no wonder you've got questions. I do think this is a serious issue and you are right to be concerned. Now, there was a huge fight you mentioned, but if someone impartial intervened, there might be a solution. I would look into that possibility. Your mother can't deny a professional's concern. Your mother does need that money and if she is being taken advantage of, this needs to stop. Again, get someone outside of the situation involved. You don't trust what your mother is saying and that raises red flags.

                  You and your sister have every reason to be worried and your brother should organise maybe a weekly payment from your mother's account under supervision. Then your mother could help him financially and also keep money she needs for the bills.

                  Good luck and I do hope I've helped.

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                  • Thankyou very much Popcorn&Candy. I was starting to think it looked like my sister and I were worried about our own pockets. While we do expect fairness and equality we are more concerned that Mum may need that money for medical expenses or perhaps a regular home nurse down the track with the thought of keeping her at home as long as possible as she hates the thought of a nursing home. When we put it to her like that she shrugged us off and said she wont be around to need any of that. Its so frustrating .If she has no money left the 3 of us will have to find it somehow. Thank you. It is our business and we do have a right to worry. From where we stand it looks like Mum is just so intent on giving our brother as much money as she can without regard for her own future or any thoughts for how my sister and I feel. My brother does not need her money at all. Hes doing very well financially and has no family expences being single. Hes in a well paid job. My sister and I became a bit suspicious of his behavior when we learned that Mum was happily paying him a rediculous sum to mow the lawn and do little jobs around the yard. My sister and I would never take money to help her for anything unless it had cost us a substantial amount and we were out of pocket.Yes we do need to look into this further and we do have a right to. Its time to take action. Thanks again. I will talk to my sister about a mediator.

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                    • Have you asked your brother about all this? Are you including him in these conversations?

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                      • Yes Ayskitty2. As soon as we learnt of the regular missing money we had two dinner meetings with the 3 of us (sister brother and I) to go over the issues and try to sort out answers to as to where the money could be going and how to go about asking mum what she knew because first up we suspected the local bank teller. He wasnt interested in sorting it out and said she is just likely stashing the money. My sister and I had wanted yo go to the police as we were very concerned about how vulnerablr she might be but he didnt think it necessary. We were a bit shocked When my sister had a talk to my mother about it all she more or less told my sister she had no right to ask. We know she has given brother money and assets in the past. When my sister asked Mum to please tell us if thats where the money was going so we could at least stop worrying about the thought of a scammer, she became very defensive and protective of our brother and a huge nasty fight endured. We cant prove anything but our brother avoids us now and is not interested in discussing any thing about it. He is doing the teller withdrawals for mum now. She is getting him to do that and not my sister any more and he is spending a lot of time at Mums. Im sitting back a bit confused and shocked. We cant go to the police if we arnt all in agreeance. If its not a scammer then it must be him taking it and while both he and Mum wont talk to us about it we are stuck in limbo.

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                        • Well...as hard as it may be, you probably just need to let this go. I understand your concern, more than I care to explain, but the bottom line is that it's not your business or your battle to wage. You may never know the truth.

                          In my case, I had to take a hard stance with my mother and tell her I don't support what she's doing with the money and I won't sacrifice my own financial future to bail her out if need be, in the future. I left it at that and have tried to treat her normally since that conversation. Our moms can make whatever poor choice they like, but that doesn't mean we have to rescue them later. Maybe I'm too harsh, but ultimately I have to protect myself.

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                          • Wow Atskitty2. Sounds like you have been through a very similar experience. Im pretty much at that point now that if there is something sinister going on such as a scammer then we cant help her and if it is my brother accepting everything we have no right to stop her but it really does change our opinion of how we feel about both of them. If she finds she needs nursing or anything else in the future I for one wont be putting my hand up to help out. For now I will continue my normal regular visits and help her when she allows me to. Its sad to feel this way but not much I can do. I always thought your mother was one of the main people who would do anything to protect all their children equally and do anything they could to ease worry or stress for their children. I am that sort of mother with my two. I would jump (equally) in front of a bus to save both of them. Thanks for your input and help.

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                            • Yes I too am going to have to accept the fact that my sister and I are just not as apreciated as much as our brother by our mother . Also we have to accept that our brother is happy to be sneeky and lie to us in order to benifit. Its new and raw at the moment. We were never meant to find out. My sister and I often wonder how our father would have felt about all this. My sister thinks he would be mortified whereas I think it might have been a decision he and mother made before he died.

                              Comment

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