I dont trust Mother

[secretkeeper]

Yes I too am going to have to accept the fact that my sister and I are just not as apreciated as much as our brother by our mother . Also we have to accept that our brother is happy to be sneeky and lie to us in order to benifit. Its new and raw at the moment. We were never meant to find out. My sister and I often wonder how our father would have felt about all this. My sister thinks he would be mortified whereas I think it might have been a decision he and mother made before he died.

[atskitty2]

Try not to take it personally. And try to forgive and enjoy the time left with Mom.
Protect your interest, but try not to get bitter about it. I think anger is normal, so try to make sure that's not where your focus is.

?????

[Popcorn&Candy]

Your brother does sound sneaky, secretkeeper. The fact your mother prefers him - and negates you and your sister - is not right. But your mother is old and used to her way of doing things. Unfortunately, if she wants to give your brother all her money, then that is a problem she has to deal with: there's not much you and your sister can do. Unless your mother was declared unable to manage her finances and someone else took control.

It is sad for both you and your sister, but there is nothing either of you can do at this stage.

[secretkeeper]

So true. There is nothing we can do. We will hide our hurt easily. There is no bitterness to mother. Our eyes are open to our brother and his behavior now. My sister and I are sad that mum has not looked into her own future and considered her own needs that she might in a few years. Its like he is more important than all of us put together which my sister and I find bizarre. ..and I guess we worry that maybe he is somehow maniplulating her. Hes always had a greedy streak. Thanks so much everyone for your input. I love to hear all your different points if view.

[amy40]

there are takers and givers in this world

seems your brother is a taker and I suspect if things were the other way around and your mom wanted to continually give to you and your sister, you'd both probably turn her down since she needs her money

takers, however, have no problem taking from others even if the giver needs it themselves

[Popcorn&Candy]

Your brother certainly sounds like a taker, secretkeeper. Yet there is little you can do. But if there were, you would most certainly have taken action by now.

I hope things don't get worse and maybe get better for your family. I don't know what else to advise, aside from my previous post.

[secretkeeper]

It's true if she had have tried to give us money we would have advised her to keep it for her own future needs. We are givers. My brother is very happy to be a taker....Im happy in my own skin so I need to focus on the fact that I feel good about how I behave. We really had no idea what action we could have taken and so we have taken none. I had no idea if I had a right to feel hurt. Like most of you say here, she has every right to do with her money as she pleases. Now a new bit of information !!! During todays visit with Mum she proudly informs me that my brother has booked two overseas holidays for himself. She tells me he has plenty of money and will enjoy traveling very much. My tongue is now full of huge holes from me biting it during the entire visit. If nothing else I am learning control of my reactions. ????????

[jns]

I would advise taking any money she gives you to build a rainy day fund for her. You can set up an account at the bank that will have her as the beneficiary of the account if you die. It will keep her from giving all of her funds to your brother. Have you looked into the legal responsibilities of your sister as a holder of Power of Attorney for your mother?

[secretkeeper]

She gives me absolutely no money whatsoever. And if my sister and I even suggest taking any sort of responsibility of any aspect of her life/finances she virtually tell us to pull our heads in no matter how carefully we tread. It would almost take a total outsider to do a check on her financial status for her not to get angry at us. She was willing to wipe my sister after the last discussion about where her money might be going. If my sister tries to take control in any way it will cause more stress than the situation we are currently in. Im thinking we need to just keep an eye on her health and let her do what she wants with her finances.If she ends up needing money beyond the value of her home my brother may have to cover it. I will suggest to my sister that she looks into her obligations as the POA but I can see Mum getting furious over any thing we try to do re her money. I dont think we have the emotional strength for more issues.

[Popcorn&Candy]

This sounds terrible, but if your mum does need extra money, your brother would have to pay it: maybe this would teach him something.

[secretkeeper]

Ok so a quick update on my post. My brother has complained to my mother that he feels my sister and I are not contacting him any more. He is complaing that we are not treating him as he wants us to treat him and he feels we have become distant. So now that all this is affecting my brother emotionally our mother has decided to confess all. She has admitted paying him ridiculous ammounts for "jobs done and also admitted giving him regular large cash ammounts. Her reason? He is much younger than us and has emotional problems and money makes him happy. He still denys getting too much from her and says it must have added up without him realizing how much she had been given. Now my sister and I are trying to cope with having been lied to all along as well as the favoritism and absolute unfairness. Major damage has been done here. My sister and I are pretending we are ok with it for the sake of our elderly mother but both of us are feeling very stressed about the whole situation."

[jns]

Ok so a quick update on my post. My brother has complained to my mother that he feels my sister and I are not contacting him any more. He is complaing that we are not treating him as he wants us to treat him and he feels we have become distant. So now that all this is affecting my brother emotionally our mother has decided to confess all. She has admitted paying him ridiculous ammounts for "jobs done and also admitted giving him regular large cash ammounts. Her reason? He is much younger than us and has emotional problems and money makes him happy. He still denys getting too much from her and says it must have added up without him realizing how much she had been given. Now my sister and I are trying to cope with having been lied to all along as well as the favoritism and absolute unfairness. Major damage has been done here. My sister and I are pretending we are ok with it for the sake of our elderly mother but both of us are feeling very stressed about the whole situation."

Actions have consequences. The distancing has been caused by the lying and the sneakiness. There has been a confession but no real taking of responsibility. Are your mother's resources still adequate? Is she going to modify her behavior?

[amy40]

He is much younger than us and has emotional problems and money makes him happy

as mentioned in my feb post, this has happened in our family
the youngest being the beneficiary, also

for peace of mind, try to let it go and be thankful for what you and your sister have together

you have each other
and your mom is still living and you can appreciate her while still here

[secretkeeper]

Thanks for the replies. My sister and I are very worried she wont have the resorses she will need in the future. Nursing homes are not ideal and would not be her choice. We had earlier advised her that her money be kept by herself in case she needs private nursing. Now after us worrying for more than a year where her money has gone we find out our brother has been happily spending it on "drink and toys" .So much money has gone to him. Mum is now in a position where its not long until she will have to go into a nursing home. Unless of course our brother can fund a private nurse for her. Its the lies that have hurt. They would have been better to be upfront from the start but then I guess they never thought we would be in a position to know whats been going on. Our opinion of our brother right now is not good. I dont think it will ever be good. Its sad but true. Gosh hope I learn from this and remember in my old age. My mother and father lost both of their families in a similar way when their parents died. Mum learnt nothing from what I can see. Only to be manipulated and to lie about it.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I can understand your feelings about your brother: he should've known better than to take and squander your mother's money. Because - as you know - he is using her. He is atrocious and you've every right to be angry and upset. I wish there were something I could do, but taking advantage of a vulnerable old woman - especially his mother - it absolutely wrong.

I have no advice to offer, I'm afraid, but I hope you find solutions.