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my husband and my friend please help!

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  • my husband and my friend please help!

    Well I am not sure where to start. About a year ago my husband told me he was going to leave me because he was no longer "in love" with me. He loved me but not "in love". so at that point we started counciling and thought it was working and he said he felt better. Well now a year later I had been having that bad feeling that something was going on and had confided in a friend of ours about this situation. She cryed with me and shared with me that her husband had cheated on her and she did not think that is what was going on but she would not wish that opon her worst enimy. Bla Bla. so here we are I still feel wierd about the whole situation and just let things be for a bit. Then suggest we go back to counciling. We go a few times and he no longer wants to go. Being a little nosy i get on his cell phone and find a text message from my friend. it said me too me too and i love you. I thought i was going to die. I confront him and he said that they have had a relationship for about 3 months. We have 3 children together and he sat us all down and said he was leaving. I tryed for ever to tell him it was going to kill them. well it tore them apart, and he could not watch them so bad off so he begged me to let him stay. So i have but only if he ended it completely with my friend. Oh and i also confronted her. but what ever on that. any way so 1 day goes by and he has sent her an email about "the truth about true love" I am sick to my stomach. I have tryed to protect my kids and my self and i feel i have let them and my self down. just some input would be great.

  • hey there......i am not married, nor have i been, so it may be hard for me to say what's best! but it seems to me that you have to think of yourself in this situation. do you really want to be with a man that is capable of cheating and has fallen out of love before? you certainly know him better than me, but always remember that you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be in a loving/trusting relationship. if you decide to ask him to leave, he can still be there for the children. i hope this helps a little and i wish you all the best!

    Comment


    • Omg,
      If I even knew my Husband was going to leave me because he so called is not in love with me anymore than I'd tell him why did you marry me in the frst place! I mean thats why I don't trust Husbands being friends with your friend because they might try something sneaky behind your back. Well I'm not married either but I'm just givng you some useful advice it will be okay in the long run maybe you guys were not meant to be. So many couples get married so young than they realize that they have 0 things in common.

      Comment


      • Thanks for your help on this. It is hard, cause my husband and I were best friends or so that is what he use to call me was his love and best friend. I am taking care of my self and trying to do the "right" thing. I just do not know what that is yet. With some counciling and guidence I will get there. Just would love to tell her husband about the whole thing. If you have any advice on that let me know. or if any one wants to volunteer to tell her husband that his wife and my husband were having an affair let me know.

        Comment


        • Tforme,
          Please don't tell her husband that his wife is having an affair with your Husband eventually honey he will find out for his-self. Please be the more mature person here...You need to sit down and talk with him and tell him how you feel because he's not going to know if you remain silent! Please just tell him you feelings and my thoughts I think he thought of you as more than a friend than the love of his life! But honey please take my advice don't tell your friends Husband I know you want to hurt her like she's hurt you and our Husband is no exception

          Comment


          • iam sorry!!

            man you must feel betrayed! wahat *********** of aex friend what she couldnt get her own man she had to take yours? you and the kids are better offf with out him!!! goodluck you will find real true love again with someone who will love you and those kids. before i met my husbund my ex bf cheated on me, now iam happily married to awonderful man who tells me everything, you will find true love again, what you had before wasnt love, keep us posted on what happens.

            Comment


            • I know how you feel. I was on a family cruise - my ex-husbands entire family- their spouses and children as well, when my ex-husband, on the first day of the cruise, decides he did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce. We had been together for 24 years!! He always went out with his sister-in-law and his brothers and never wanted me around socially. Like you, i thought I was doing my son a favor by requesting that we go to counseling. After 1 session, he decided everything was all my fauilt - if I would only change completely, he would be happy. I let him come back home for another 7 miserable months. I continued to see a counselor on my own and discovered that I had let myself become so dependent on him that I had no self-esteem left! The divorce took over a year to accomplish and it now has been 7 months since the divorce. I have regained my self-esteem, and have moved on. I think most women who love their spouse will do anything to keep them home especially if children are in the marriage. I can say that it did more harm than good for my son to see the ugliness between us as my exhusband continued to destroy what was left of our marriage and realtionship. Although he didn't actually cheat on me, he might as well have done it - we were never together as a couple outside of our home. I was always put down and left out of things. Things will get better. And I firmly believe that somewhere out there your soulmate awaits (I hope I find mine as well). Keep your spirits up - your children need a strong mom - but also don't forget to lean on your trusted family members or confidants as well. Your support system is crucial to the success of your moving on with your life.

              Comment


              • Get Him Out

                Originally posted by tforme
                Well I am not sure where to start. About a year ago my husband told me he was going to leave me because he was no longer "in love" with me. He loved me but not "in love". so at that point we started counciling and thought it was working and he said he felt better. Well now a year later I had been having that bad feeling that something was going on and had confided in a friend of ours about this situation. She cryed with me and shared with me that her husband had cheated on her and she did not think that is what was going on but she would not wish that opon her worst enimy. Bla Bla. so here we are I still feel wierd about the whole situation and just let things be for a bit. Then suggest we go back to counciling. We go a few times and he no longer wants to go. Being a little nosy i get on his cell phone and find a text message from my friend. it said me too me too and i love you. I thought i was going to die. I confront him and he said that they have had a relationship for about 3 months. We have 3 children together and he sat us all down and said he was leaving. I tryed for ever to tell him it was going to kill them. well it tore them apart, and he could not watch them so bad off so he begged me to let him stay. So i have but only if he ended it completely with my friend. Oh and i also confronted her. but what ever on that. any way so 1 day goes by and he has sent her an email about "the truth about true love" I am sick to my stomach. I have tryed to protect my kids and my self and i feel i have let them and my self down. just some input would be great.
                OMG. I dont even know what I would do in that situation. I feel that the woman who replied earlier is right. You have to be strong for your children. Im not married but anything like that is just heart braking. You have to take the higher road and be the better person. Don't stoop to their level. I think I would want to tell the womans husband as well. But he'll find out in due time. She'll trip up somewhere. Nothing good comes from lies. They'll both end up in a bad situation. And remember, If this man cheated on the woman who beared his children, he will do it to her as well. There is no morals there... Probably just sex.... Both men and women are dogs... I don't just blame the man... Women are just as bad... But I would tell him to leave again and this time no matter how much he begs, don't let him back in. And If he doesn't leave... Wait until he goes to work and get all of his stuff out and put in on the lawn. And when he tries to come home and is wondering what's going on..... explain to him that you spoke to his girlfriend and she's willing to let him move into her basement... lol... No seriously... Just get him out.... For him to talk to another woman and send emails on "THE TRUTH ABOUT LOVE"--- he doesn't deserve you... Tell him you know the real truth, and he ain't it.......
                I don't know how old your children are, but if old enough to understand, I would explain to them that sometimes parents don't stay together and it doesn't mean they cant be friends. And always let them know that it is not their fault and that you both love them very much.
                As far as your Wh**r** friend- I mean ex-friend, both her and your husband have no morals. They both will get what's coming to them some how. Leave it in god's hands and he'll take care of it. Be positive. No matter how hard it is not to call him or whatever the situation may be, DON'T DO IT. Have family (that would never betray you) stay with you for a while and if they have to wrestle you to the ground, let them use a little tough love on you. Whatever works. Keep your head up... And after all is said and done.... If it comes down to it.... I'll tell her husband and let him in on the little secret that both your husband and his wife are both two morally incorrect individuals who deserve eachother bc they're lost in the idea of LOVE and they both know "THE TRUTH ABOUT TRUE LOVE"...
                So I guess we don't know what love is.... No... We do know and we know that is not it...
                Goooooooosh! This topic is making me crazy and upset... LOL... Just know that I feel for you and please KIT and let me know what you decided to do... Even if you don't use my idea.... LOL Keep your head up woman.... I'm in your corner!!!!
                Danielle

                Comment


                • OMG. Thank you all for your advise and opinions. Well I am bieng very strong and hangin in there. I am taking care of my self. As far as the husband is conserned he is still in the house untill....... its time. I am working on me and well he just comes last. I am dealing with the situation the best that I can for now.
                  Thank you all again.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by tforme
                    OMG. Thank you all for your advise and opinions. Well I am bieng very strong and hangin in there. I am taking care of my self. As far as the husband is conserned he is still in the house untill....... its time. I am working on me and well he just comes last. I am dealing with the situation the best that I can for now.
                    Thank you all again.

                    Good. Keep it up- stay positive... It's all about you and your children. Please KIT
                    Danielle

                    Comment


                    • then you know what you do...live well. yup, the best revenge is to LIVE WELL, very VERY well in fact. Obviously it's over, and the more time you spend trying fight with him and her and make sense out of this selfish and already senseless act he played on you, the more it's gonna get ugly in front of the children.
                      Just lift your head up and say, ********** it! Go get yourself a facial, buy a new outfit and go out! Apparently they aren't suffering over you, so why should you over them? Plus, if he is weak and pathethic enough to do that to his wife, then I can guarantee you he will do this to your friend...karma heeds no eye when it comes to that ********, trust me honey!
                      When he sees how well you are doing, he is gonna question himself because even though he seems like he doesn't want you anymore, love just simply doesn't die overnight...he is trapped in lust that's all. Soon this fire between the 2 of thm will die down and he will be left hanging in the air with no family and you will be totally over him, and possibly with a new love of your own. Let him go...he deserves the trifling **********, not a kind, loving mother like you

                      Comment


                      • You all are so right and I am on the right track. I am a strong woman and I plan a great future for me and my kids.
                        Thanks again

                        Comment


                        • It was clear from the first words of your post that your husband was
                          looking to have an affair...with someone. Anyone. And your friend,
                          who might have tried to speak with him about his behaviour wound up
                          in the peculair...'well, if he's going to be unfaithful,it might as well be
                          with me, cause I'll respect wifey..."

                          (This is not as uncommon as you might believe...don't be surprised
                          if you ex-friend uses the terms...'doing you a favour'....)

                          Let him go. Drive him out.
                          You'll be surprised how much better it gets.

                          I remember an abused wife, virtually seeking shelter at a Mother's
                          Day Brunch, realising that tho' she could stand more abuse, the
                          child was becoming a nervous mess...
                          another who realised if she put the time she spent running behind
                          her husband, crying over him, worrying about him, to her children
                          that their lives would be better.

                          Think of it like this...
                          no matter what you try he's going to eventually stop coming
                          home.

                          The best thing is to have piles of activities for you kids so
                          that they don't know he isn't there.

                          Have them sleep over friends and relatives houses, take them
                          to all sorts of places, create 'rituals', i.e. every thursday it's
                          a pizza parlour day, or every Sunday you go to this pool or
                          every Monday evening it's this sporting event...

                          fill their lives with you...
                          so that When...(not if)...when he leaves he will cause as
                          little disruption as possible.

                          Comment


                          • I have been married twice. I can tell you it was no real picnic going thru a divorce with a child. If you do, you have to keep things as normal as possible for your children, and always remind them that none of this is their fault. I applaud you for your efforts with counseling. I tried with both of mine and one flatly refused while the other simply told the counselor what he thought the guy wanted to hear and laughed about it later in the car. I had a situation similar to yours that almost involved someone else. I say almost because when I went to her and talked straight with her, she ran for the hills. Not from me, but from him when she found out what life was really like. I told her that if she wanted him to please take him as quickly as possible before he completely screwed up my life. I showed her his credit report and all the late bill notices he was responsible for. I also confronted him and told him I was going to do this and followed up with it. No angry words, just matter of fact action. He just about died from embarassment when I also told him I was going to talk to her family as well since I was already acquainted with her mom(he didn't know that little tidbit). He started telling me it was my fault because I was always working and between working and the kids, I never had any time for him. A family is together no matter what comes with work or kids. That seems to be a big issue for people these days. They don't seem to understand that when you take a vow and you have children, you are making a promise to always put someone else before you and your wants. Remember folks, when you get married, its because you want to be with that person. You volunteered, right? Kids don't volunteer to be born. They don't deserve the heartache that comes with selfish adults who just can't get past themselves. Hope this helps. FYI...I know I'll be unpopular for this, but I would tell her husband. He doesn't deserve to live a lie anymore than you do.

                            Comment


                            • Embarrassment


                              Embarrassment is a powerful weapon.
                              I'll give you an example.

                              A couple went to England when they were
                              young, and they worked very hard. And when
                              they were old and came back, some hot gal
                              went after the husband.

                              The guy was old, but he had money.

                              The wife was a mess.
                              She was in her sixties and felt she might
                              as well kill herself.

                              I told her what to do.
                              Embarrass him.
                              Chat about him like he's some kind of
                              ram goat who'll have sex with anything
                              two legs four legs six legs.

                              Make it a joke.
                              Make it clear that the gal is taking your
                              garbage.
                              Ridicule him, make it seem that you're
                              happy to get rid of him.

                              Well she did it.
                              And although it was hard, she did it.
                              And people in the district were looking
                              at the gal as a clown.
                              And at him as if he couldn't keep his
                              pants on.

                              So ridicule does work.

                              But if you're not sixty if you have a life
                              or can get one...do it.

                              Men who cheat don't cheat once. It's
                              like people who go on dozens of diets and
                              can't stick to any.

                              He will cheat with anyone.
                              Get rid of him.

                              It is better for the children to not have
                              him around. he's a bad example for
                              them.

                              Comment

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