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Liberation Of Adultery

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  • Liberation Of Adultery

    The Storm has passed.
    He's left the Other Woman, and returned to you.

    Standing on the wreckage of your marriage, feeling
    a survivor of a devastating hurricane, you begin to
    pick up the pieces.

    And then, you drop them.

    You don't want that kind of marriage again.

    During the days/weeks/months of his affair, when
    you were alone, you met someone new. Yourself.

    You learned what you liked to eat, watch, wear,
    think, go, do and be. After all, there wasn't anyone
    Just you.

    You might have created new protocols, so the kids
    didn't ask why Daddy doesn't come home any more.
    They were sleeping at friends and family, you were
    taking them to all sorts of places, and creating new

    You might have moved into another room, so when
    he dragged in, he didn't wake you. You might have
    stopped cooking meals, doing laundry, being there
    for him.

    That woman forged in the fire of his adultery, is too
    valuable to lose.

    Suddenly, you realise that for all the years of the
    marriage, you were postponed, you came second,
    if you came at all.

    Pre-Adultery Wifey used to buy the food he liked, cook
    the meals he liked, watch the programs he liked, go
    where he liked, associate with his people.

    Betrayed Wife bought what she wanted to eat, created
    the meals she desired, watched what she wanted, went
    where she felt she belonged, associated with her friends.

    Post-Adultery Wife has no reason whatsoever to return to
    the old days of being second. In fact, she has a lot of
    reasons why he will never be given the authority to hurt
    her again.

    The life you lived during the time he was rolling on
    soiled sheets will not be discarded just because he
    came home.

    You realise your faults.
    And have corrected them.

    Your job is not a 'make-work', it is important and
    sustains your sense of self-worth.

    During the time he was 'away', you took on more work
    to fill empty hours and avoid going to the mausoleum
    which used to be the matrimonial home.

    You will not stop taking on more work, will not rush
    home, leaping out of staff meetings, or tossing a file
    in the pending tray because you have to make dinner.

    You feel no guilt telling the kids to go to friend's
    house after school, you'll bring a pizza, that's how
    you got through the days/weeks/months of his adultery.

    He can find his own food, or starve.

    You has no qualms about talking for hours to your
    friends. They were with you when he was not, and
    there is no guarantee he is home to stay.

    All the little things you put away on marriage, because
    he didn't like them, all the activities abandoned because
    they took time from the marriage, you grasped as a life
    preserver when he was not there.

    You got through days because you knew you would see
    a best friend, attend a meeting, perform a task, and
    little things became important, because the big thing,
    your husband, was gone.

    All the little things which became important, remain

    Just because he's home now can not be used as an excuse
    why you let other people down, people who have come to
    rely on you, people who make you feel you are worthy to

    You looks back on your life; your Pre-Adultery life,
    and cringe.

    Was I that stupid? Self-sacrificing?

    The money you had used to buy him filet mignon is a
    a new hair style. The time you used to spend doing
    his laundry, you use to write articles for the PTA,
    the beer which used to fill the refrigerator for his
    friends is no longer there, but there are quite a few
    new pieces in your wardrobe.

    He can survey what used to be the matrimonial home
    and appreciate, he's not needed.

    He can watch television all day Sunday, alone, because
    his family attends a particular venue. He's not invited,
    it's just mothers and kids.

    He can learn to like Quiche or figure out how to make
    himself a meal from soy grain, yoghurt, salmon and
    cheese, because in this house, the diet has changed.

    He looks at you, the woman he betrayed;
    you looks better today than ever before.

    You are confident, you don't need him, and see through
    him as if he's glass, unconcerned about his ego.

    He strives to regain your interest, maybe getting a few
    percentages, but it's pretty clear, that in your pie chart,
    he's gone from 90% to 20% and although he might get
    another 5%, if he works at it, he will never have the power
    to bring your life to a crashing halt.

    That he realises this, infuses you with power. And you
    reflects on that drudge, that sycophant you used to be,
    and realise how liberating adultery can be.

  • How Could He Do This To Me?

    When a man commits adultery, his wife often feels
    that 'her whole world' has ended.

    This is because most women commit their whole
    world to the marriage.

    Women will leave school to support him while he
    gains a profession.

    Women will work as an unpaid drudge while he
    is building his business.

    Women 'work' at a marriage.

    And when that marriage goes down the toilet
    because he rather roll on soiled sheets with
    ********ina, she learns that the word "Grateful"
    is not in the male vocabulary.

    No man will stay with a woman because she put
    him through school, or made his business a success,
    or raised his children, or kept his house spotless, or
    stayed up all night doing his reports or business plans.

    He 'outgrows' her.
    He 'no longer loves' her.
    She's 'holding down' his life.

    A rule of thumb;

    the more you give, the more he'll take
    and the more you will lose when he leaves.

    NEVER give up ANYTHING for marriage.

    Never give up your family, your job, your
    friends, your education, anything.

    Because you get NOTHING in return.

    The more you give, the less you have.

    Although it sounds like a contradiction,
    the day you marry, begin to build up
    adultery insurance.

    Adultery Insurance is not limited, but

    bank accounts in your name
    a job
    so that he never holds more than
    45% of your 'whole world', because
    when he commits adultery, he can't
    destroy more than he has.

    The women who are devastated by his
    adultery are those who gave the most.
    They lose the most.

    The the forty year old who left school to
    support him; who raised his children and
    looked after the house, and couldn't take
    an outside job because she was so busy
    looking after her family.

    This is the woman who will be dumped for
    the twenty year old party girl who brings
    nothing but her greed into his life.

    This is the woman whose whole world
    is based on being his wife.


    • its all the things you think but can never put them into words


      • So he's back?

        Unmarried men can not commit adultery.
        Hence, he needs to be married so as to
        have someone to betray.

        Many incontinent men marry to prevent
        them being tricked into marriage by the
        girl of the day.

        When she gets boring he admits he's
        married, and moves to the next, hence
        his wife is his bulwark against clingy
        party girls who are notches on his belt.

        When wifey decides to leave all his energies
        are put into keeping her.

        He is keeping her not because he realises he
        loves her, or is sorry for what he did, he is
        keeping her because she protects him from
        greedy gals.

        He is keeping her because if she leaves he

        The point is to keep his wife while having
        a girlfriend. This is the 'prize!' this is winning.

        Oh James Bond would be proud of how he
        moves from his desk, out the side door,
        into his car, slamming his gal of the day,
        then back in, and arriving home on time!


        Look at me!
        I'm never late coming home!
        I'm so innocent!

        While his lunch hour becomes a sex break
        and he's beaming from ear to ear...wifey
        will never know!

        But when wifey knows, and wifey is leaving
        then he might actually have to take his
        plaything out...
        and maybe he doesn't want to be seen with
        her in public.

        And she will demand he take her out, once
        wife is gone, because there is no reason to
        hide any more....
        oh no!
        Not that!

        So he must keep wifey!

        He'll do what it takes.
        Until he's sure.
        Wifey is not going to leave him.

        And then...
        when she least expects it...
        there he goes!


        • Respect?

          Although there are many cases in which husbands
          respect their wives too much to ask them to perform
          certain sexual acts...
          wives lose respect for the philandering husband.

          First of all, there's what the gal looks like/is.

          Many men who want to commit adultery take
          what's available; this is usually an unattractive

          Unless the man is rich and the female is after
          the money, don't expect her to look good.

          Hence the wife is standing there, "He left
          me for that?"

          We tend to grade men on the appearance
          of their girlfriends; a guy with an unattractive
          girl .... something is wrong with him.

          Seeing hubby's gal, we may wonder what is
          wrong with him...
          until we realise he wanted to be unfaithful
          and this was what was available.

          He wanted to be unfaithful...

          it is hard to accept, it belies all our beliefs
          of our husband sacrificing his marriage because
          he fell in love/lust with gal...

          But to truely understand adultery one may
          have to walk away from the lust/love paradigmn
          and approach another reason, one which might
          be more prevalent than we may believe...

          Men commit adultery when they feel their
          manhood threatened.

          The wife who is more important than he is...
          brighter or makes more money or who has
          no time for him.

          The women who doesn't need him.

          As counterpoint, there are those who seek
          to escape the weak woman; the one who
          needs him too much, who makes him feel
          responsibility every minute of every day.

          Sex is a filip, it is not the reason he is
          with gal. He is with gal as a counterpoint
          to wife.

          In a few cases, the wife can understand
          why Hubby has strayed, and reform the
          relationship, cutting out the troubling parts.

          In most, where the parties have stayed
          together, the wife has little or no respect
          for the husband, and over time, thinks of
          him as a three legged dog.


          • i really like those, so true!!


            • The Three Legged Dog....

              Imagine a watch dog who loses his front leg in an

              Because his family has affection for him, he isn't
              put to sleep, but healed.

              And there he comes, barking up a storm, on his
              three legs.

              He's no longer the watch dog, but doesn't know it.
              He's a pity pet.

              Often one laughs, behind her hand seeing him
              race to the door, as if he can 'defend' the house.

              So to...
              the adulterous husband.

              He has lost the respect of his family,
              and though he may remain within,
              whatever was there before, is gone.

              He can never regain the trust or respect of
              his wife, and in a way, it is a good thing.
              It makes her stronger, boosts her confidence.

              No longer need she take his feelings or ideas
              into account.

              If she choses to accept a promotion, or a
              transfer, or paint the livingroom, he has
              no opinion she needs to hear.

              During the days of his roll on soiled sheets
              she has made friends, she has had to face
              the world not as wife of this man, but as if
              she were a widow.

              With his return, why should she give up
              her autonomy? How long will he be staying

              Having survived his adultery she feels she
              can survive anything.

              And she realises,
              she doesn't need him.
              And she can't want him,
              because he is unreliable.

              She's not going through a divorce for the
              same reason she didn't put Barker to


              • Bookmark, and move

                Once you've set the new relationship, you move on.

                Although you might, on reflection see your life as
                B.A. (before Adultery) and A.A (after adultery) in
                re the changes; i.e 'I haven't watched that show
                since B.A.', or "I have worn my hair this way since..."
                you move on.

                Don't make that moment in time the centre of your
                life. Don't let him become the centre of your life
                by reflection.

                During Adultery, when you had to fill the cracks
                with all sorts of things, job, hobby, friends, club,
                etc. never let that 'mortar' chip or be forgotten.

                Keep up your calendar; don't drop out of groups
                so that you can 'spend more time with...' or remake
                your world with him as the axis.

                Contrarily, don't appoint yourself his watchman thinking,
                'oh, if I give him a chance he'll stray again...' so
                reform your life as to spend it walking behind him.

                Your mistake, your only mistake, had been to make
                him too important in your life, so that when he went
                on his spree, your house of cards collapsed.

                Had he not been so central, you would have been
                hurt, but as hurt as when your best friend tells others
                your secrets, or you're not invited to a fancy function
                you counted on.

                So Your Mistake was your devotion.
                Withdraw your devotion...
                revert to your position pre the reconstitution
                of your relationship...
                and do not make his Adultery the
                new shrine.

                Too many times the betrayed wife, who had
                by necessity, had to get over him. Had to
                learn how to live without him, will, when he
                returns, now make the Adultery the new

                Everything she does is done in re the Adultery.

                (No, I can't go out of town, he might cheat.)
                (I better go to that party with him or else
                he will find someone else)
                (He's not answering his cell phone, he's probably
                with someone else)
                (I better go see if I can catch him)

                It is absolutely pointless to resume a relationship
                if 90% of your energy goes into Adultery Prevention.
                It's not worth it.

                What Adultery teaches, is that no one is
                responsible for your happiness, your balance
                your sense of peace. You must control your
                environment. You are in charge of your own
                happiness, you must strive for balance and
                maintain your inner peace.

                No man can do that.
                No one can do that for you.

                You must do it for yourself.

                If who you are depends on who you are with
                then you are no more than a piece of dust
                blown by the wind.

                When you survive adultery, you prove that
                you are in charge of yourself. You prove you
                can make it on your own. You prove that you
                are strong, are capable.

                Never return to the old days of dependency,
                and never mask that dependency with a new
                avatar; Adultery.

                Just as you got over the need to race out
                in the middle of the night to 'catch' him,
                just as you became accustomed to being
                alone, you must maintain that strength.

                Adultery is only liberating once you have
                lived past it, and reformed your life to be
                more 'I' centered, and depend on nothing
                and no one except your self for your sense
                of identity.


                • Adultery with Clothes On

                  Curtis was a charming man. He had bedroom eyes,
                  and a way of speaking, and a woman was sure he
                  wanted her.

                  All the moves were there, but when they were alone,
                  Curtis began wife-bashing.

                  He could talk for hours, in detail about his wife, all
                  her faults going back to the day he met her, and
                  if one had time and patience, his mouth was still
                  flapping after three hours.

                  At first one assumed he was 'psyching' himself up
                  for adultery. Going through all the faults of his
                  wife to explain why it was 'her fault' he was with
                  another woman.

                  After the first marathon bash, the woman would
                  assume the next tryst would be the physical....
                  and could decide whether or not she was going
                  to play the Other Woman.

                  When the second encountered occurred, it was
                  a repeat of the first; more wife-bashing.

                  So what message is he sending?

                  The medium is the message.

                  This is an adulterer who doesn't need to drop
                  his pants. The act of excoriating his wife is
                  what gets him off.

                  The woman, who could be virgin, has this
                  sense of unease, as if she's done something
                  sordid, yet has never touched this man.

                  What is going on?

                  This version of adultery is rather common.
                  It leaves the Other Woman feeling dirty
                  for 'no reason', and he gets off on his verbal

                  Men like this engage in cyber sex as well.
                  Before computers, there were the 'love
                  letters', because this is an adulterer who
                  believes that because he has not given
                  his body to a woman he has been faithful
                  to his wife.


                  • Don't be the Other Woman

                    Even in cases of Verbal Adulterers, you don't
                    want to be that Other Woman. (You don't
                    want to be his wife either, but...)

                    First of all, a man who cheats is a man who
                    lies, and there aren't 'one off' traits.

                    Men who are unfaithful are unfaithful to their
                    wives. Not just to the first one. Hence, if
                    he leaves his wife for the Other Woman he
                    will leave her for the Next Other Woman.

                    There is a difference between a marriage
                    falling apart and a divorce and then a man
                    meeting another woman and marrying again
                    and a man who is married, and is keeping a
                    mistress, whose wife divorces him, and who
                    marries that mistress. It is more than likely
                    he will take another mistress.

                    Being the Other Woman is always tragic.

                    There are men who will beat up their mistress
                    if she dares accost the wife or do anything to
                    upset his marriage.

                    Further, there is usually a whole family around
                    him, which will demand his time and presence at
                    various occassions.

                    So, he can't take you to the concert, his brother
                    is sick, or his child is in a school play, or he promised
                    his mother...and the Other Woman has no word to
                    say. Because everyone comes first...she comes
                    when no one else needs him.

                    If she's sick, she can't call him to take her to
                    the doctor. If she needs help, she can't call

                    I can tell you of a man who took his wife and
                    children on a cruise, and the Other Woman was
                    left waiting for him to return.


                    • Kay, when are you going to write that book?


                      • I should....

                        I have had so much experience in this field
                        it isn't funny. Between divorce, women's organisations,
                        all sorts of fora....


                        • i'm happy that you dedicate many post to common problkems that women face. common problems that women at times aren't aware that those problems are still an issue.


                          • A lot of Women

                            A lot of women go through this...
                            and exploring all the avenues should
                            be of benefit.

                            Divorce is an answer.
                            It is not the only answer.


                            • Reflecting

                              Many wives who have remained with the adulterous
                              husband have reorganised or redefined their definition
                              of marriage.

                              For many it is very much a 'marriage' of convenience.

                              They are married when they need to be, and single for
                              other purposes.

                              For example, many don't feel an 'obligation' to 'please'
                              their husbands.

                              They don't cook for him anymore. They prepare what
                              they like, if he doesn't want it, he cooks for himself.

                              Many give versions of the 'last slice of cake'.

                              B.A. (before adultery) many women would not have
                              eaten the last...(slice of cake, pat of butter, etc.)
                              A.A., (after adultery) the mere idea of 'saving' it
                              for the husband provokes them to eat it.

                              Although it sounds incredible, many women see their
                              B.A. selves as door mats, fools, self-sacrificing idiots,
                              who choked down meals they hated, who often ate
                              dry bread because he had used off the butter or
                              the jam, as if he were the king of the house, and she
                              a scullion.

                              They see their A.A. selves as strong, independent,
                              and more important than he is.

                              "I always bought harsh soap and heavy duty
                              shampoo, and all sorts of products I didn't like,
                              virtually 'stealing' house money to buy the smallest
                              piece of complexion soap, saving the sample of
                              soft shampoo, because of what he used."

                              "During the time he was having the affair, and
                              rarely home, to 'fix' him I began to buy beauty
                              soap and those girly shampoos, and when he
                              came back, I continued to buy them. If he
                              wanted something else, he'd have to buy it
                              himself, for I wasn't wasting grocery money
                              on his stuff."

                              And if he wants to leave?

                              "There's the door. He left me once already,
                              I've been waiting for him to do it again."


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