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How would you say it?

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  • How would you say it?

    Apparently a couple of you have read yesterdays thread regarding my need for yalls advice and I seriously have been reading everyones threads in trying to help others as well as solve my own problems. Let me paint a picture for you in order for you to understand.

    My huband and I fell in love fast and hard. As soon as we got married we got pregnant. Lost the baby 5 months into the pregnancy. Went through money troubles, problems with my family, and much more until living in Phoenix became so unbearable we decided to leave and go to Texas.

    We moved to Texas, home of my husband. We got here. Problems still followed. Financial bumps in the road and problems with friends. It ended. Things got much better. Resentments and feelings got held in. Time goes on.

    8-10 months later. He can't take it anymore. He leaves. He comes back. He leaves, he comes back. Then finally he leaves again. I started school for nursing which wasn't something I had thought about doing my whole life but being I had numerous miscarriages I wanted to do something to help. Put my hours into work so I wasn't at home. Got closer with a couple of friends and lived the single life. Husband and I talked; agreed to divorce. 2 months later passed and I met a guy I was dating, went partying, was doing wonderful in school but I took some time off due to a promotion in work needing more time, and I was feeling good about me. I lost a bunch of weight and I felt good about myself. But underneath it all I would still constantly think about him. I would look into his eyes when looking at our pictures and I would feel so much for him. I couldn't let him go. I couldn't get him out of my system just yet. So I broke up with boyfriend and decided to focus on me. Not 3 days goes by does he call telling me he loves me. He wants to date. Start all over. Do things right this time. He dated someone else too and in doing so, realized a bunch of things apparently. We got back together after 3 weeks of dating. He moves back home.

    Its been three weeks since he moved back and we have done great. Couple bickers here and there but if I don't see them as something big then usually they are nothing. I am still holding in some fears, resentment, anger, trust issues, and so on. I know councelling is a possibility and I have discussed that with the husband and he doesn't want to go speak to someone about our problems when we don't have the money, time nor energy for it. So I understand. Here are my concerns. Are they normal? Is everything I am feeling easily to get over? Please give me your insight.

    If he left me once, twice, three times, he can do it again. I have told him that if he leaves me again this is the final straw. I can't go through it again. I was doing great on my own and I didn't need him in my life rather I wanted him to be apart of my life. He understood. Still the fear of it is there.

    Yes I know I was with someone else physcially in the process of CLAIMING to get a divorce and he was too. We both looked at us not being together so it was fine. But, now he is talking about having pride in the fast he has been married 2-3 years and I am sitting there thinking (yeah especially when we have been seperated on and off for 6 months of it)... He's really showing great progress and slowly changing his ways but if can physically bring himself to be with someone else, what's preventing him from cheating if things get tough again and hiding it knowing I said this is the last go around?

    His wants and needs and desires are very important to me. But so are mine. I want the house, the kids, the good job and that family enviroment with little or no debt just like everyone. Its the American dream and I am not far from it. But it always seems like TV's or video games or car stereo's are more important to him. He talks about those more than he talks about our dream of owning a house and yes, I know this man has a penis so I know the electronis and trucks are going to run through his veins. I know that. But how do I get him to support the things I am interested in? I play video games with him. I watch movies with him. I have an awesome car stereo. What can I try to see if he is has my interests at heart?

    We have really good communication right now and I am trying to take advantage of it as much as I possibly can. But, he still won't open up to me as much as I want him to. I think he is affraid that I am going to hurt him again. As I am afraid he is going to hurt me again. I guess this one is going to take some time because we are both kinda not letting each other in right now.

    Last but not least, sex! Yep sex! It's like we always have sex when its on his terms. Once every 2-3 days usually and its always in bed and always before bed. What can I do to change this up without him knowing it? Any ideas?

    I respect your ladies perspectives and anything will help. Thanks!

  • P.S. I am talking to him tonight when I get home so anything will help. Thank yall!


    • Originally posted by wishinforanswers07 View Post
      P.S. I am talking to him tonight when I get home so anything will help. Thank yall!
      You cannot reason with someone as immature as he is. You said he is your ex in one thread. You have really confused me on what is going on with you all.

      The fact he refuses professional help tells me he will never contribute to resolving your problems in any meaningful way.

      Toys are toys and boys are boys.

      If you want a man you will not find it with him.

      So you must ask yourself truly do you want to live this/his life for the rest of yours?


      • Yes I want him for the rest of my life. Thank you! I also would rather not go to some old hag and cry infront of them for an hour. Not in my best interests and I dont have the money to go to school right now let alone counciling. The only pastor we know is my grand father and I would not feel comfortable talking to him about certain aspects of our marriage. My husband just doesn't want to go and neither do I. Why do you think I found this site in the first place. I just simply wanted to know if woman experienced the same things as I do. My husband sits down and talks to me about problems he has all the time. We have great communication. He is not my ex. I was talking about my ex husband whom was abusive once. I handled it. Sorry to confuse you but make another suggestion besides counceling. You are doing no helping, just aggrivating. Thanks!


        • Originally posted by wishinforanswers07 View Post
          Yes I want him for the rest of my life. Thank you! I also would rather not go to some old hag and cry infront of them for an hour. Not in my best interests and I dont have the money to go to school right now let alone counciling. The only pastor we know is my grand father and I would not feel comfortable talking to him about certain aspects of our marriage. My husband just doesn't want to go and neither do I. Why do you think I found this site in the first place. I just simply wanted to know if woman experienced the same things as I do. My husband sits down and talks to me about problems he has all the time. We have great communication. He is not my ex. I was talking about my ex husband whom was abusive once. I handled it. Sorry to confuse you but make another suggestion besides counceling. You are doing no helping, just aggrivating. Thanks!
          If you think a professional marriage counselor is an old hag you are as much part of the problem as your husband.

          If you think coming to this site and airing your problems is going to solve your deep rooted problems with the marriage you probably are sadly misguided.

          And if I am aggravating you with what I am saying that may be a positive. You need something to get you out of your quagmire.


          • Listen, do you want to pay for counceling? No? Ok then shut up! I KNOW I was much as much of the problem as my husband was. Everything that accurs in a marriage is cause and affect and equally each others faults. I know that. I am sitting here having to defend my **** marriage when I am suppose to be getting advice and help from woman whom obviously are a little more open minded. My emotional problems with my marriage are now none of your concern! TAKE A HIKE!


            • Calm down

              Wishforanswers, firstly, calm down.
              Most of those who post here have been there,
              done that, even got the tee shirt.

              Secondly, the tension you are bringing here
              is not caused by the advice you are getting
              here, it's coming from within.

              Counselling is, for many people, problematic.
              It is not just the cost of it, even if it is free.

              I think what you want is not advice but

              I think you want us to say, 'Great.'
              Okay, "Great."


              • Personal Attacks are not allowed

                It is ok to have a difference of opinion-- differences of opinion are what this group is for-- it's a part of life to have differences of opinion -- however personal attacks, that are directed to a poster of this community are not allowed --- this means any type of directed 'shut up' ' take a hike' , etc. All members here are to be treated with the same respect that you would want for yourself. You have been issued an infraction and a warning.

                its understandable that certain moments can get heated, but we have to keep an open mind that we are all here to help each other. hopefully this is just an isolated incidence and you can continue to be an important member to our group.


                • All I simply wanted was some advice from other woman like you said, who have been through it all, even won the t-shirt. Couceling is not for me and AMOM just wont see that obviously. I don't need reasurance and I honestly dont want someone patting me on the back. Read the story. I simply asked about the problems I was encountering and is it something I will get over or how should I talk to him about it. THAT IS ALL. simply put. thank you!


                  • I am really sorry about your problems I wish you the best. I really dont have any good advise besides maybe get some counseling. best of luck!


                    • my opinion

                      Let me tell you what i've experienced. First of all I am in my 2nd marriage, for 16 years i was married to an alcoholic who wanted nothing but to get drunk and **** to bed. I've since remarried, running in my 2nd year. My hubby and I (o my) argued constently, (partly my fault) for I would take out my anxieties, fears, and frustrations on my new hubby for all the crap I went thru w/ the X. I didnt realize i was doing such a thing until it was pointed out to me. When I stopped treating my hubby this way, we started getting along better. I stopped concentrating on the little stuff. And....women think with there feelings. What we think grows in our hearts and comes out our lips. Think rotten thoughts, they instill in our hearts, and out the lips they come. It is stated in the Bible the tounge it the hardest thing to tame. And Yes, my hubby likes to play video games, he has a fish tank(he spends alot of time with)and he loves to watch old black&white westerns; but please realize men also need to relax and think. This is how they do it at times. My poor current hubby came into a ready made family, a women and four kids, he gets stressed. Because he was stressed, I was stressed.
                      So the only pastor you know is your grandfather. Is he still married? how long has he been married? Can he recommend someone? Do you go to a different church? I understand you've been saying NO to counsoling ....Try not to consider it a "counsling session". Talk with his wife, she is the one I would speak with. So the both of you donot want to see a counsler. When my hubby and I were first married, he didnt want to go either. I didn't see a counslor, I went to my pastor and his wife. SSShe is one smart experienced cookie.(her husband became a pastor after they were married so there marriage wasn't always peaches&cream) So i went by myself for myself. I love my hubby. I am not perfect and yes the truth hurts and makes us cry. The only one a person can change is themselves. ((Trust me I know by living with an alcoholic.)) I am a Jesus freak!! My church, bible studies (on marriage and the wifes role), and God have helped me trumendously.(god is a father who will never let me down) We still argue but its not as bad as it was. Now my hubby goes to see the pastor on his own and goes to bible studies (for married men). What an impact God has made. Trust me we both have a long way to go!!!!!!!!! I could go on and on and on. Ask your hubby out on a date even if it just for coffee at a local diner. Your letting the fear of the past run your future. If you've completely forgiven each other, you should be able to move forward. There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. To forgive means never to bring up the subject again. The forgetting comes with trust on both ends.


                      • Well ladies the only things you have had to say are get some counceling so I guess I am just not asking for advice anymore. Thanks for being open minded. Obviously the help wasn't wanted to be given. Thanks anyways. Hope you all don't have probs and need advice. I am done with this site. Good bye!


                        • Well, you sound like you have been on a bump road. You said you were going to talk to you husband last night and I hope everything went as well as you might have expected it to. All I would like to say is that if you don't like the advice that people give you regarding your probs, don't post your probs. I do understand that maybe this is your only method of venting or maybe even trying to figure out if your problems aren't just your problems but the publics as well. But, you can't get mad at someone you don't know for having a matter of oppinion regarding a matter you clearly posted and wanted help. Maybe if you and your husband are doing so well right now and you have all these thoughts, you shoudl be talking to your husband about them and not us. IF your COMMUNICATION is so great then how come you can't talk to him? I am sorry I am not attacking you darlin I am simply saying don't get mad at the public for something you are shareing with the public. If we all didn't want certain advice we wouldn't be here. And counceling can be the best method for couples. My husband and I received councelling and it was wonderful. Well I wish you the best and good luck with your marriage. Ta ta!
                          Miracles Happen


                          • wishinforanswers07, I dont know if you will even see this considering you said you were done with this site, but i thought i would still say something. I have read A LOT of the posts on here and the ladies that have tried to give you their best advice deserve more than your griping. They have good and EXPERIENCED advice. You say that you wanted open-minded advice but it seems to me that you are the one who is closed minded. Good advice is not what you want to hear but what you need to hear. These ladies understand that much more than you do. Now as for you not wanting to go to counseling than fine, obviously thats not an option anymore. I would suggest looking online to find techniques you can use at home. You don't have to have a proffesional, find a close friend to mediate. Or do something cheesy like setting a timer for your turn to talk. But before you sit down to talk again about the issues between you two write them down, both of you individually. And try picking only two or three things to talk about at a time, or maybe even only one. But if you wont go to a proffessional than the next best thing I could suggest would be to find a technique, even if its cheesy that works for you both. Remember you can't fix everything at once, it will take time. And you might try reading the other posts dealing with the subjects your having problems with, specifically. It helps.

                            And your marriage will only heal as much as you and your husband let it. If you aren't willing to take the necessary steps to heal it, it wont heal. It doesn't matter what any of us think or say to you. If you BOTH dont try, nothing will happen. Be patient. May the goddess watch over you.


                            • Let's put it another way

                              There are some people who feel that by venting
                              a problem, they have 'solved' it. They don't want
                              advice, in fact, they want one to support whatever
                              decision or lack thereof they have made.

                              For some people simply talking to themselves, saying
                              the problem, explaining it to themselves, is enough to
                              clarify the issue, and sometimes the solutions is right

                              I can think of telling a wife to imagine her husband
                              was (I used a local example, so just fill in the perfect
                              man here) and how she would treat him, then treat
                              her husband like that.

                              Sounds idiotic, right?

                              Well,she treated her husband as if he was Perfect Man,
                              and he began to respond as if he was Perfect Man.

                              So, sometimes idiotic makes sense.


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