Women’s Health Interactive Forums

  • If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

is my husband watchin porn a bad thing?

Collapse
X
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
Clear All
new posts

  • is my husband watchin porn a bad thing?

    I know they say all men do it. but first off, i think its gross. i hate for him to watch it. it makes me feel really insecure and hurts my feelings alot. we get into alot of arguments over it, and everytime he says he watches it just to watch it. I just don't get why he has to watch it when he can be doing those things to me. But yet i continue to find them on his phone or on the computer. And its beginning to get really old, and continues to make me feel like im not doing enough for him. I know he has lied to me about watching it, and says that hewon't do it again. but everytime i go to check if he has, sure enough he has. i dont know if i should just keep my mouth shut or tell him for the hundreth time that it really does bother me and really does hurt me that he has to watch it to be satisfied. i know me feeling bad has to do with my insecurities because i have gained some weight, not alot but enough to make me feel ugly. i want him to show me cares for me and not the porn. please i need any help or advice anyone can give.

  • have you two had a real discussion about it, or just gotten into arguments about it? i find it hard to believe he just watches it to watch, unless he feels something is missing between you two, or with himself.

    you mentioned feeling a little insecure about gaining weight. any chance that you have telegraphed that insecurity by not seeming or being as willing or available?

    you could always try something spontaneous and surprise him! like wake him up with a ... (insert act here).

    Comment


    • I know they say all men do it.
      In-correct actually, not all men do it at all.. Some do, I have never had a relationship, be it boyfriend, fiance or husband that watched it, and I know of alot of other girlfriends and ladies here, that can claim the same.

      he says he watches it just to watch it.
      Can you have a more rational conversation, instead of for the 100th time tell him it's all about how you feel? What I mean by that is his answer to you is vague really, therefore, you don't have closure on that and that's why your in-secure over it, for instance, " it's a stress release", or " it gives me ideas" or "I just like it, it does turn me on, but not to the point of ever wanting to cheat, it's not like that it's a fantasy, when I have sex with you it's intimate and beautiful", so another-words, allowing him to express to you without fear why he watches it. Pose those three questions maybe.

      Now, on his side, being "told not to", "sorry I won't do it again", is more like Mum and Son....

      So, this is why I am suggesting you "discuss" properly. He already knows you don't like it but he also knows it's because you feel in-secure so probably ignores that because that's a separate issue, in reality, wouldn't it be fair to say that other things as well make you feel in-secure?

      Quit feeling in-secure in any case your beautiful inside and out and I bet he does things that makes you feel that way.

      If not, then there is a problem and if he favours porn over being intimate with you then there is a problem but you haven't really gone into that part at this stage.

      i know me feeling bad has to do with my insecurities because i have gained some weight, not alot but enough to make me feel ugly. i want him to show me cares for me and not the porn.
      When two people are together, there is compromise, and he should respect your feelings and come at a compromise.. So from your next conversation, you both need to work out what may work for both of you. If he's not neglecting you.

      I say this because of one reason and one reason only, you've told him a hundred times but you still catch him, so either 1) he's addicted and in which case you are not getting that intimacy you deserve, (only you can tell us that or 2) he's not addicted to the hilt but enough that he can't stop but it doesn't interfere in your love making and love he gives to you...

      If it's 1) then he has to get assistance just like everyone else in life for addictions in order to solve it.

      CW
      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

      Comment


      • I think the important question is whether he watches porn rather than having sex with you, or if he watches porn when you are not available.

        If the first, then he (and you) have a serious problem, and you should try to explain how unreasonable it is for a man to want to see videos rather than be with a real woman.

        If he only watches porn when you don't want sex, maybe he just has a higher sex drive. Considering the options, maybe this is the best way for him to satisfy it. For many men porn is sort of an extension of masturbation. Block that and he might find some other outlet.

        Of course you don't need to put up with anything you don't want - and neither does he. If you really can't stand porn, and he really wants to watch it, neither of you should feel compelled to stay in the relationship.

        Comment


        • my husband does the same thing. he states now he doesnt watch it but i know he does. he joined a forum where theres a vip area if you subscribe you get in. anyway its all pictures of naked chicks.

          it makes me angry he says one thing does another it makes me feel like im not good enough that he needs to look at other women. i sat down and talked to him told him how i felt that i dont mind if we watch it together to spice things up but it makes me feel funny knowing hes watching it by himself.

          for a while he agreed and we did this but he still goes on the vip area of his forum and now he claims he feels funny watching it with me. so its a lose lose situation. lol

          guess i havent really helped but maybe if you sit down tell him how you feel and try to meet him half way by watching it with him it might be okay for you guys???
          sigpic To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.

          Comment


          • Porn... no matter how much you tell them it bothers you, no matter how much you sit down to discuss calmly, no matter how much you listen to them and no matter how much understanding you are, once they start with it while they are with you they will never get it out of their heads, never. Even if you tell them it hurts you or that makes you feel not enough. They will still do it. Be it in a few months, be it in a year, be it the next day of the discussion. They will ponder about it, as if they are lacking their 'all-male' toy. And most of them can't even explain why they want it; they just do...

            Comment


            • I've had a lot of time to think about the role porn plays in my relationships. I know right off the bat that it's going to be there, whether they tell me about it or not (usually). Personally, I'd rather know about it. My current bf has a stronger sex drive than I do and we are very open about it within reason. (I don't sit down each day and say "so... did you watch one today?") But if I think about it sensibly, if he loves me and wants to continue being with me, I don't see any reason to be insecure about the fact that he watches it. Everyone needs fantasy or escape in their life. Porn just seems to be more common, not mention easily accessible, among my male friends. Some don't use it very much at all and supplant that need for fantasy with gaming or TV. But the one with a powerful sex drive use it more. In that case, I think to myself that's probably a good thing, too, or I'd be too exhausted.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by rcoreyus View Post

                Of course you don't need to put up with anything you don't want - and neither does he. If you really can't stand porn, and he really wants to watch it, neither of you should feel compelled to stay in the relationship.

                Strong words, Richard, but you make a great point. I agree with you.

                Comment


                • We both watch porn. Half the time he doesn't even masturbate while watching porn. He watches it and then gets very very annoying until we have sex. I debated starting a thread to ask input why since not even he understands the reasoning. It's somewhat amusing. So long as the other person is not ignoring you or avoiding having sex with you because of it I really fail to see the harm. I'd probably end up breaking it off with someone who was too insecure to allow porn.

                  I entirely disagree with the statement of once someone starts watching porn they won't stop. The more sex we have the less porn is watched by both people. If anything happens to keep one of us from having or wanting sex porn watching increases. Boredom increases porn watching as well. By itself it does no harm. Things go bad when there is already a problem in the relationship or with one person. I think eventually whatever is causing disagreement over porn will cause other issues that ruin the relationship. Sex is just one of the first places you see potential relationship issues.

                  Comment


                  • I am glad it works well for you kira, but unfortunately my statement is true for some couples. Some men, whether they have a lot of sex or not, they still want to watch, not even because they want to ejaculate, they just want to, they cannot even explain why and I am not talking about addiction levels here.

                    I basically just wanted to add to this thread that there is a reason why the word w**nker is an insult and not a compliment...

                    Comment


                    • I fail to see the problem if they just want to watch? Sometimes I just watch porn. As I mentioned my husband doesn't even masturbate when he watches porn. He can't tell me why he watches it. I don't really care. If that's what he wants to do fine so long as he isn't ignoring me to do it. It's no worse than spending time playing WOW. He likes doing those things and he knows when to stop and do things with me so long as I'm not saying "die right now and watch a movie with me". So unless someone is saying their partner is ignoring them for porn or there are other problems in the relationship I do not see the harm with porn. It's a habit. It's entertainment. Pretty harmless entertainment compared to many things. If everything else is fine and no one has any other complaints I'd look to the person against porn as the problem instead.

                      Comment


                      • Well, both WOW and porn can equally affect a relationship if the person finds nearly 'too much' entertainment in either. It's great that porn doesn't affect your relationship and that's why I'm happy for you. That's just not the case with many couples. When one puts habit above respect this can turn into neglect. Porn, or anything else, by itself is not a threat, but it is the way one uses it that can make it turn into a threat. There are various reasons as to why so many women are bothered by porn. Your key phrase was "as long as he isn't ignoring me to do it" and it is what usually happens to the women who complain about it; they feel ignored or second best when it comes to their men's pleasure. This is not directly their men's fault either, but more of another serious problem in the relationship. And for as long as these men won't sit down with their women to discuss what this problem is, these women will keep blaming porn.

                        Comment


                        • The problem is the effect it has on the relationship. If the woman isn't affected or bothered by it and the couple has a sexual realtionship that is satisfactory to both then it's fine.

                          There are relationships in which the woman is not orgasmic, doesn't want sex and takes the attitude that porn at least keeps him off her or perhaps a more a don't ask thing. In that case the porn is probably what lets them stay together. But there are other cases where the woman isn't interested in sex but for some unreasonable reason expects him to just suffer and she has a big problem with porn. They probably need to go their separate ways.

                          There are couples who have balance with it, they have a reasonable sex life and if one or both of them watches porn it isn't an issue. There are some couple that have a satisfactory sex life but the woman for whatever reasons finds the man's use of porn very objectionable. It will eat at her self esteme, love and trust. Then you have to ask who has a problem really? This could go in many directions; she could be very insecure, he could be rather uncaring, regardless they need to look at the value they give their relationship and what they are willing to tollerate or change to keep it. If their sex life is reasonably good it's hard to understand why a man would continue to do something that he knows hurts the woman he loves and has committed to and which may be causing her to doubt herself and the relationship. That will at some point destroy their sex life.

                          Then we get to the other end of the spectrum, I've dealt with this recently, when a man uses porn or masterbation as a means of avoiding intimacy. He has a woman in his life who loves him, has a good sex drive, wants him and he rejects her repeatedly in favor of porn and/or materbation. This is devistating to the relationship and if, as seems to often be the case, he digs his heels in emotionally and flat out refuses to even talk about it, there is little a woman can do. She can walk or she can suffer. Really in the end they both suffer.

                          This is a new problem in relationships and society really. It's only since the internet has become so entrenched in our lives that porn has become so widely and readily available. I don't know where it will end up but undoubtedly it is destroying relationships.

                          Comment


                          • WC is putting into pretty good perspective.

                            In my own personal situation my own views are starting to come into question. I've never been against it per se as long as it's used in a postive manner. Sometimes it can be a tool used to enhance a couple's sex life.

                            I hate to say it, but porn is becoming a release valve for me right now. It's not that i don't want to have an intimate loving sexual relationship with my wife but she's in a transitional period where her sex drive is in polar opposite to mine. There's nothing more frustrating than wanting to make love to someone and constantly being rebuffed. So I can make a choice in doing what I have to do to releive some of that frustration by myself or get frustrated with her and do things that I wouldn't normally do. If I can take a few minutes and use porn as a means of fantasizing about making love to my wife then at least in my mind, it's using it for a positive.

                            This is however only temporary. As WC also points out, this isn't a substitute for intimacy. I know in my heart that until she's ready for intimacy again, this is what it is. I can accept that. But I can't accept a permancy about it.

                            Comment


                            • I'm afraid that people in our time have no values anymore. They don't appreciate what they have and want even more every day. We want companionship and love, but it's not enough, we also want sex. We get the sex but we also want visual stimulation. Nothing is ever good enough and if we reach a dead end we rather try it all over again with someone new than try to compromise and work things out. It's very sad but this is one of the effects of an 'open minded' world, where everything is normal, where there are no values, where marriage is just a typical goal in life, where family members are as good as acquaintances, where children are a goal just because one should have them at some stage and where nobody takes any responsibility for his/her actions. We are going downhill yet again.

                              Comment

                              Womens Health orange logoGet The Newsletter

                              Receive our passionately crafted, medically reviewed articles and insights — the stuff nobody else talks about but you want to know — delivered right to your inbox.

                              Latest Posts in Our Forums

                              Collapse

                              Latest Topics in Our Forums

                              Collapse

                              Working...
                              X