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is my husband watchin porn a bad thing?

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  • What is the hang up about him watching porn?
    What is the real issue here?
    1. How is your sex life? Are you getting enough of what YOU want?
    2. Is he finding new and exciting ways to please you or is he trying new and disgusting things?
    3. Are you giving him what HE wants? Love making is about 2 (usually) people pleasuring each other. It could be all one way at one time but that MUST be reciprocated so that both feel satisfied in the long term (not just each occasion).
    4. Are you open enough to his desires? Are you sexually compatible?
    5. Your own self esteem is worrying.
    Have you tried watching porn or are you simply "gross"ed out due to stereotypical ideas? There are some good "couples" porn movies (pirates 1 & 2 for ex) you could get him to watch with you.
    Open your mind and explore his fantasies and add your own and BAM, watch the fireworks.
    sigpic

    Comment


    • Originally posted by manspoint View Post
      What is the hang up about him watching porn?
      What is the real issue here?
      1. How is your sex life? Are you getting enough of what YOU want?
      2. Is he finding new and exciting ways to please you or is he trying new and disgusting things?
      3. Are you giving him what HE wants? Love making is about 2 (usually) people pleasuring each other. It could be all one way at one time but that MUST be reciprocated so that both feel satisfied in the long term (not just each occasion).
      4. Are you open enough to his desires? Are you sexually compatible?
      5. Your own self esteem is worrying.
      Have you tried watching porn or are you simply "gross"ed out due to stereotypical ideas? There are some good "couples" porn movies (pirates 1 & 2 for ex) you could get him to watch with you.
      Open your mind and explore his fantasies and add your own and BAM, watch the fireworks.
      Maybe you can help me out here by giving a man's point of view, and maybe you can say if I'm right to be against it at the moment or not:

      1) Sex life is bad for me, I hardly ever get what I want, he's not particularly interested in satisfying me, I always have to do all the work and sex feels more of a struggle to make him release and feel happy about himself instead of me enjoying it equally.

      2) He's not trying at all. Up to the point where I wonder if he finds women disgusting (he doesn't, but that's how I can feel about it at times - I don't remember the last time he used his hand on me, must have been over a year ago).

      3) I always do whatever he asks, when I ask he's either too tired or promises to do it the next day or the following weekend. If I'm lucky I get a predictable one-sided 20-min sex session, which whether it happened or not is one and the same for me.

      4) Of course, I've offered to do anything he wants and I have. As for sexually compatible, no, I seem to be the only one wanting sex here.

      5) I feel pretty much confident as a woman. I get looks, whistles (even if I have a small build and don't wear make up), I've had a colleague hitting on me recently (which I took to the cops as he took it too far) and I'm very happy with my looks. Never had complaints before as a partner in that domain.

      I watched porn as single and I enjoyed it. I didn't have a problem at all with him watching as well while our relationship was long distance, because that's all we had. I just stopped with porn it because I thought my man would be enough for me, as this is how it's always been for me. I still don't watch, though, even if he's not. I do masturbate occasionally without porn because otherwise I will explode. I wouldn't if I felt satisfied.

      He denies to watch porn with me, claims he wants to watch by himself. If we check a porn movie on tv is only to joke about it and make fun of the direction or say how silly the actors are. Every once in a while he asks me when am I going to be ok with him watching porn again and to that I always say that we're not there yet for this and that reason.

      So, now, tell me, am I wrong to have a problem against my fiance watching porn? If you tell me I am wrong then I will keep it in mind and take it into consideration. Honestly.

      Comment


      • I don't think porn is the biggest problem. It sounds like he is not making effort to do things for you in bed - and it is a serious problem when someone denies their partners needs / wishes that way.

        If you talk with him, I'd ignore the porn and focus on why he doesn't want to be a good lover. This is important for most men .

        Comment


        • I am NO longer going to make porn out to be the bad guy it really isn't. I am not longer going to make masturbation out to be the bad guy it really isn't.

          The focus has got to be on whether or not he's making me feel wanted and desired on a consistant basis. I am going to try to be open about the porn and hope that he understands that I need him more than it does, and uses his energy accordlingly. I just want to excite him and please him and make happy more than anything else does. And either I do or I don't. Whether or not he sometimes may want to look at porn.
          Last edited by Hopeless Dork; 01-21-2010, 04:13 PM.
          Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by stressed View Post
            Maybe you can help me out here by giving a man's point of view, and maybe you can say if I'm right to be against it at the moment or not:

            1) Sex life is bad for me, I hardly ever get what I want, he's not particularly interested in satisfying me, I always have to do all the work and sex feels more of a struggle to make him release and feel happy about himself instead of me enjoying it equally.

            2) He's not trying at all. Up to the point where I wonder if he finds women disgusting (he doesn't, but that's how I can feel about it at times - I don't remember the last time he used his hand on me, must have been over a year ago).

            3) I always do whatever he asks, when I ask he's either too tired or promises to do it the next day or the following weekend. If I'm lucky I get a predictable one-sided 20-min sex session, which whether it happened or not is one and the same for me.

            4) Of course, I've offered to do anything he wants and I have. As for sexually compatible, no, I seem to be the only one wanting sex here.

            5) I feel pretty much confident as a woman. I get looks, whistles (even if I have a small build and don't wear make up), I've had a colleague hitting on me recently (which I took to the cops as he took it too far) and I'm very happy with my looks. Never had complaints before as a partner in that domain.

            I watched porn as single and I enjoyed it. I didn't have a problem at all with him watching as well while our relationship was long distance, because that's all we had. I just stopped with porn it because I thought my man would be enough for me, as this is how it's always been for me. I still don't watch, though, even if he's not. I do masturbate occasionally without porn because otherwise I will explode. I wouldn't if I felt satisfied.

            He denies to watch porn with me, claims he wants to watch by himself. If we check a porn movie on tv is only to joke about it and make fun of the direction or say how silly the actors are. Every once in a while he asks me when am I going to be ok with him watching porn again and to that I always say that we're not there yet for this and that reason.

            So, now, tell me, am I wrong to have a problem against my fiance watching porn? If you tell me I am wrong then I will keep it in mind and take it into consideration. Honestly.
            I had a reversed situation in my previous 17 year marriage. My wife became totally un-interested in sex. I tried to discuss it and her first response was "it is just not important to me". I used porn as an outlet (and discovered some fantastic things about myself that I later used in new relationships.)
            This went on for over 2 years. I suggested counseling numerous times to which she finally responded "you have the problem, you go to counseling". She could not see that WE had a relationship problem. That was when I left her.

            Honest observation from a guy who has seen similar behavior. HE IS JUST NOT INTO YOU!
            The porn is a distraction. It is not the cause of your problems (yes, you both have relationship problems) it is his only outlet, when clearly YOU should be his primary outlet but he is not interested in that.
            You are still happy with yourself which is fantastic. Given the effort you have put into this relationship and the heartbreak I know you are going through because of the constant rejection, you need to seriously ask yourself if you are prepared to forsake his sexual attention and continue life as is or move on.
            sigpic

            Comment


            • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
              In-correct actually, not all men do it at all.. Some do, I have never had a relationship, be it boyfriend, fiance or husband that watched it, and I know of alot of other girlfriends and ladies here, that can claim the same.

              CW
              My first girlfriend would have claimed I didn't either, but just because you don't know about it doesn't mean it doesn't happen! And for the original poster, I can understand why this would upset you. But let me tell you my reason when I watch it is the excitement of watching other people have sex, when I may not have the nerve to see about watching in person. I don't like commercial stuff, prefer home made, real people, actual couples with chemistry. While I can't speak for your guy's claim that he watches it to watch it, I'm not even sure what that means. Does anybody watch porn just to watch it? No. We watch it to get turned on, see what you normally don't see every day. And then there are others that just want to watch women they have no shot at in real life. Or just women that make their own woman look so unattractive. The latter, I'm sure, is the fear that most women that don't like the idea of their man watching these movies share. But I feel safe in assuring you that no man watches such things just to see women hotter than their own. I'm sure some do, but why? Real women hardly ever look like those women do, and frankly, those women commonly in such films aren't that attractive to me in the first place. I know my girlfriend worries about my motivations behind watching them, on the rare occasion that I do. Probably for the same reason as you. But she actually likes watching porn herself, and has watched it with me. I am not sure what advice to give you. I would personally say just don't take it so personally, because it is not aimed at upsetting you or making you feel worthless. Until the day comes that he can't stop himself from watching, which may require addiction therapy, or the day that he chooses the movies over you, or if it ultimately ensures he cannot become aroused without it, I don't see it as anything to fight with him over.

              Comment


              • May I also just add a thought here: that masturbation can become an issue to couples that actually live together, it's hardly ever a problem when they don't as each has his/her own space.

                I just wanted to add this, as people who haven't lived together with someone may find it hard to understand why it can be a problem, since it's not a problem to them even if they currently are in a relationship with someone.

                Comment


                • HI

                  I came across this website, looking for help. I am engaged to be married in a few months from now and have only recently discoverd how much my firance' watches porn. I fisrt came across his movies while we were dating and well we were nothing seroius at the time so each to his own i suppose i was open minded aboout it but let him know I was not one of the people who were pro Porn. I even tried to watch a few with him to see what it was about, but he is in to the weared stuff, not as
                  admmck81
                  said

                  I don't like commercial stuff, prefer home made, real people, actual couples with chemistry
                  So no i could not get into it. Shortly after getting engaged I moved in and once i caught him on a Porn Site, while i was laying in bed waiting for him to finish "playing computer games". We had a blow out then and i explained what it made me feel like knowing that while i'm in bed he was going onto sites looking for that stuff. He seemed to understand and he said it's nothing big for him and he would leave that stuff, as i mattered more to him than Porn. Following this he out of his own went and broke all of his porn movies up and threw them away. I thought the matter was resolved.

                  Recently i found out he was on a chat line, but the kind were guys but there Penis' as there profile pics and chicks have there legs spread open wide with nothing on. I cracked. It's one thing watching Porn but um..... Chatting online. In my mind this can only mean he has started with watching porn now he is chatting to Chicks who in my opinion do not have much self repect.... What next?

                  We had a massive fight and i asked him please to leave the site, knew more than he knew i knew, so there are still details i know that he lied to me about when i confronted him, however he left the site and said he would not do stuff like that again. I even offered to buy some more Movies and Mags and we keep it home so that if the feeling hits him to watch he can, this way i know about it and it's not behind my back this was me trying to compramise and meet him half way. To which he said no he will stop.

                  He still has not stopped call it womens intuishion, but his attitude changes towards me when he is watching the stuff or going on sites, i then am honest with him and tell him something is up what is he doing, watching again or on chat lines again and he swares to me he is doing nothing, yet when i look he is on sites again and subscribing to sites with live chats?!?

                  I love him but i am at my wits end- Clearly i need to be more open minded about this stuff and i am trying, but have spoken to him about this and said that in order for me to work on being more open minded about this stuff, he has gotta be honest with me. I know he is lying to my face over and over again. I KNOW I CAN'T TRUST HIM. And he says i'm wrong for not trusting him, Isn't he wrong for breaking it over and over again, and then expecting me to give him back my trust in the blink of an eye.

                  Sorry i have rambled alot but I don't know what to do or how to approach him. I need Help / Advise anything?
                  I am standing close to my wedding date and want this resolved before then. I need to enter our marrige on a better standing putting this issue to rest.

                  Comment


                  • admmck81
                    but just because you don't know about it doesn't mean it doesn't happen!
                    Trust me, I know, and they didn't.

                    But in context I agree with you, as to the reason is generally not related, curiosity at first, finding ways intreguing used, a sorce of stress relieve, anything relaly and as to if it doesn't affect your own sexual relationship than it's not that important to worry about.
                    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                    Comment


                    • First of all, he lied to you. Because it's one thing to talk about it, him agreeing he stops and then watches it behind your back; you can't trust him then whatever he says. You tried to make a suggestion and correctly said "you're ok with it, as long as he doesn't lie about it" but he wasn't honest; said he understood and yet continued. Whether he swears or promises he will do it if he wants to. My fiance swore to me right in my face that he stopped going to a dating/porn site and yet he had gone only hours before saying so (and even got angry that I didn't believe him).

                      Porn sites with chat and photos... it is not recommended for married people, it can lead to trouble and addiction. I've been there before and had him delete an email account, close down several porn and dating accounts and have moved his computer next to mine. You are correct to feel this way as what he does is disrespectful towards you. It has reached a point where his behaviour changes towards you just because of this and this is not healthy for your relationship. It certainly won't improve with marriage. It can take many months to be resolved, if it will be, as well.

                      There is currently a good thread about porn under the 'Sex' section, give it a look.

                      Comment


                      • my first post

                        This is my first post and I've been reading what you guys are saying and I totally sympathize. The entire reason I even found this thread is because my fiance won't leave the porno alone. He does the same routine over and over. There's no foreplay and he even refers to our sexual intimacy as him "stuffing" me or that if we have kids together in the future that I can "spit" one out.

                        My point, it seems like this is a common problem and none of us know how to fix it. So now what? We love them and they love us. It seems like talking isn't working. Maybe we need to be more aggressive and just break out the toys and not even discuss it. Maybe the conversation is a mood killer for them too? I have no idea. Maybe, and I don't mean to be crude, but I should just tease him enough to make him want me to sit on his face? I don't know. Anyone know...or try it?

                        Comment


                        • In a lot of these cases the porn isn't the problem, its more of a symptom of someone who wants easy, passion free sex. In a lot of cases it sounds like the man has no interest in pleasing his lover - and thats sad, real men want to be thought of as good lovers.

                          Bekrah - if you aren't happy with the situation, don't get married. Don't hope it will change, it might not. Sex is really important to a relationship and you shouldn't get involved in one that will leave you unsatisfied.

                          Being more aggressive is fine IF you enjoy it. Tease him, tie him to the bed, and sit on his face if that is what YOU want. (some men would really like that, some wouldn't).

                          Is there a chance that he wants to please you but just doesn't know how?

                          Comment


                          • I really think that he wants to because he works really hard at postponing his enjoyment until he knows that I have had mine. We've done some role playing and he likes it but I just feel silly sometimes and I only get brave enough to do it if I have had a drink or two. I like it but I have my own insecurities like if I look good in the costume or if I look silly but it's a fantasy for me too. He hinted that if I initiated it that he would but I just have a hard time starting the fantasy stuff and he does too. Will it just take some practice for us? He loves me a lot and I know he does but he has that machisimo thing going on and so these conversations are awkward plus I don't want to say something to make him think I don't want him because that is not the case. He doesn't get mean when I bring it up, he just doesn't say much. He won't look me in the face when we talk about it either.

                            Comment


                            • He seems to be sexually selfish. He wants sex with his rules and if he doesn't get it he turns to porn until you 'get there'. I don't know how you can be sexually happy with this man. It's not about the porn, it's his attitude towards you when it comes to sex. And this you cannot change, it's how his mind works. Sure, there are effective and more aggressive ways to make him cut down on porn, but porn doesn't seem to be the real issue in your case. He clearly wants sex done in his way and his way only and doesn't discuss it. It is not going to change with marriage, so be extremely careful with your choices. It won't be his fault if you marry him knowing how he is, it will be yours for thinking you can change him when you can't.

                              Comment


                              • If he is trying (and from what you said maybe he is), then things might work out. I know that role-playing can make you feel silly - but do you enjoy it as well? I am sure he will think you look good in the costume. Role-playing is a great excuse for telling him what to do. He might appreciate it if he isn't sure himself what he should be doing.



                                Originally posted by Bekrah View Post
                                I really think that he wants to because he works really hard at postponing his enjoyment until he knows that I have had mine. We've done some role playing and he likes it but I just feel silly sometimes and I only get brave enough to do it if I have had a drink or two. I like it but I have my own insecurities like if I look good in the costume or if I look silly but it's a fantasy for me too. He hinted that if I initiated it that he would but I just have a hard time starting the fantasy stuff and he does too. Will it just take some practice for us? He loves me a lot and I know he does but he has that machisimo thing going on and so these conversations are awkward plus I don't want to say something to make him think I don't want him because that is not the case. He doesn't get mean when I bring it up, he just doesn't say much. He won't look me in the face when we talk about it either.

                                Comment

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