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is my husband watchin porn a bad thing?

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  • Originally posted by Fallen1 View Post
    Exactly. This should be reason enough to leave it out of a relationship.
    Here. Here.

    If its causing problems in an otherwise happy relationship, wouldn't the obvious solution be the absolute most rediculous notion for the man to consider? Seems that way.

    I'm sure I'm not the only girl thats had her boyfriend say "porn isn't important to me" "I don't even care if I don't watch it"... yet, they still do. "I didn't know it would hurt your feelings." K, well now you know. But mmm hmm they still do it.

    I love my boyfriend with all my heart, we have a relationship that feels like a dream come true in every other aspect than his occasionally porn use. So I concede and try to get over it. It still hurts me sometimes. I don't know how to make it not hurt. And to be honest I am getting resentful of being the one that has to learn to deal.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by FeministBen View Post
      Well, the only reason I spoke of evolution, the issue of prooving me wrong and your 'anti-porn' stance was because you brought them into the conversation. But I'm happy to leave them, I'm not demanding anything from you, I just like lively debate.
      I like the debate as well, there's nothing personal at all
      If something comes out as "too heated" it's towards a point of view or idea, but not you in person in any way.

      Originally posted by FeministBen

      In regards the actual question though, I think I recall you mentioning some issues with your SO and porn yourself. How important do you feel an issue it is within a relationship? Is it something you can accept for the good of the relationship or will it always be an issue between you?

      You don't need to answer, I'm just trying to get a feel for where you're comin from.
      My case is slightly more complicated. My SO wouldn't have sex with me for weeks, or months in the beginning, saying he just had no sexual thoughts, his sex drive was low and so on. After many months, after noticing a certain behavioral pattern, I checked his computer to see what's going on. I found that he browsed porn when I wasn't at home, that he was going daily on a dating website to look at women (and men, out of curiosity, as he said), chatted and such. Even then, I didn't tell him to stop with porn, just with the dating site and chatting, but he said he'd stop with the porn anyway because it looked bad since we didn't have sex.

      Then, half a year later, I was sexually molested (managed to get away though) by a guy at my language class. Of course I told him right away and we filed a police report against the guy. 3 days after the incident I had an important meeting with the school's director, to explain to her what happened. My SO had to go to work that afternoon (the meeting was at 10 a.m.) and said I'd better go with his brother and not him, as he's not good at that (bs, and I knew it). When I came home he said he thought about what had happened to me and decided to take a few days off work to support me. When he got back to work, days later, I checked his computer to see what he was doing that day I had the meeting. He was watching porn. That was the moment when I totally flipped out and had a huge fight with him over porn. I even asked him if the thought of me being nearly raped only days before turned him on. His only answer was "it's normal, don't ever talk like that about me again" and such. I told him to stop with it until I'd be comfortable about it again and that of course I have nothing against masturbation or porn, but while things go crazy and the sex life is below average I don't want any porn around.

      As of today, our sex life is slowly improving, I don't check his computer anymore, I don't care if he watches porn or not, as long as he's conscious about my needs and feelings. I've made the decision that my state of mind and physical needs are more important to me than be worried about whether he masturbates or not. If I have these two, and know that I come first regarding his physical needs, as he comes first when it comes to mine, then he can do as he pleases. But if he makes me feel that I'm not enough for him, then I will react.

      I'm sorry this has been long, I just wanted to explain. It's not that I'm against porn for either men or women, but I do think that when one starts feeling hurt by it then the other has to take it easy for a while. It's not worth hurting your SO over masturbation and by taking a break from it doesn't mean that your SO will never be alright with it again. There just has to be a balance so that both can have the life they want.

      Originally posted by FeministBen

      I just think the issue seems to be causing a lot of mess within relationships. One side has to give or they will always be at conflict with each other. If so many women are having trouble getting their men to WANT to change, the next logical step would be to change themselves rather than continue screaming at a wall.
      I personally don't think that changing, or cutting down, on masturbational habits is such a huge change, especially not for the worse. I used to be very sexual in the beginning of my relationship but since I was always turned down masturbation was the only solution. But then I sat down and thought "am I happy this way? Is that what I want? To live with a man I love and only get my fix by myself? I don't want that", so I tried to work on the actual problem, see what I could do to improve the sex life for both. It did turn out that he had fears, that porn was the safe option where he didn't have to perform, that he was used to that lifestyle as single. As I said, I don't know if he watches now and I don't want to know, I don't think he does anyway, but I do know that our sex life has become way, by tons, better since the arguments we've had over porn and the discussions over our sex life. Now, I'm not saying that no porn necessarily means better sex, but I do find that discussion, and learning about what your SO wants, making him/her feel comfortable about things s/he thinks are too "strange" to try and only watches them in porn instead, is a huge step into keeping a balance.

      If I come across as "anti-porn" at times it's because reading certain lines revives the feeling I had the past few years, when I didn't understand what was going on and all I got back was "it's what men do, it's only normal". But I don't consider myself as anti-porn at all. If the relationship's sex life is good and both feel content and adequate then there are fewer chances that porn will become an issue. It's also very important that when it does become an issue, then the one who watches porn has to explain why, understand the worry and be patient with it. As if it's just "watching for fun" it can wait until the problem is solved. But if he starts right away with "it's only normal, you're crazy" then the problem will only worsen.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by Fallen1 View Post
        Exactly. This should be reason enough to leave it out of a relationship.
        Or to choose someone who wants no part of it.

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Hopeless Dork View Post
          And to be honest I am getting resentful of being the one that has to learn to deal.
          Bluntly - you have 2 choices then.

          Become bitter.

          Or leave.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by OhThereYouAre View Post
            Or to choose someone who wants no part of it.
            I'm going to assume that you mean this goes for both men and women? Granted there may not be many cases where the woman is the one that watches porn and the man is upset over it. I just don't see why it's always the women that have to "get over it and deal". Why is it that a man never is expected to "get over it and deal"?

            I feel the same about a woman and her toy(s). If it's something that is upsetting to her s/o then she needs to give them up also.
            Last edited by Fallen1; 02-22-2010, 08:08 AM.
            There is a method to my madness ........ I just haven't found it yet.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Fallen1 View Post
              I'm going to assume that you mean this goes for both men and women? Granted there may not be many cases where the woman is the one that watches porn and the man is upset over it. I just don't see why it's always the women that have to "get over it and deal". Why is it that a man never is expected to "get over it and deal"?

              I feel the same about a woman and her toy(s). If it's something that is upsetting to her s/o then she needs to give them up also.
              Absolutely.

              However, I have no problems with my girlfriend/fiance/wife viewing porn.

              BUT-

              I would never give a woman an ultimatum to throw her toys away.

              And similarly, I would not date a woman who owns sex toys.

              And responding to a previous post by you- I'd say about 90% of the women I know in my age group and younger use sex toys.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by OhThereYouAre View Post
                Absolutely.

                However, I have no problems with my girlfriend/fiance/wife viewing porn.

                BUT-

                I would never give a woman an ultimatum to throw her toys away.

                And similarly, I would not date a woman who owns sex toys.

                And responding to a previous post by you- I'd say about 90% of the women I know in my age group and younger use sex toys.
                True ........ ultimatums never work, actually makes things worse.

                I guess I just feel that when something is upsetting to one's partner (male or female) that the other should be willing to do whatever it takes for the relationship. I guess I live in a fantasy world when it comes to how I think a relationship should be.

                I will admit that I have used toys in a past relationship BUT they were bought by him. I was never really thrilled with them, just wasn't/isn't my cup of tea. I prefer the real thing. Once the relationship was over they went into the trash.
                There is a method to my madness ........ I just haven't found it yet.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by Fallen1 View Post
                  True ........ ultimatums never work, actually makes things worse.

                  I guess I just feel that when something is upsetting to one's partner (male or female) that the other should be willing to do whatever it takes for the relationship. I guess I live in a fantasy world when it comes to how I think a relationship should be.

                  I will admit that I have used toys in a past relationship BUT they were bought by him. I was never really thrilled with them, just wasn't/isn't my cup of tea. I prefer the real thing. Once the relationship was over they went into the trash.
                  To each his/her own.

                  In my mind, a man who views porn regularly only perpetuates his inclination to seek sexual gratification in ways not related to his significant other.

                  A woman who uses toys does the same.

                  Both reduce their responsiveness to their significant other's sexual prowess.

                  Why would anyone knowingly do such a thing? It makes us less human when we rely on machines (computers/toys) to indulge our sexual desires.

                  What ever happened to real hands/tongues/penises/vaginas and real people?

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by OhThereYouAre View Post
                    To each his/her own.

                    In my mind, a man who views porn regularly only perpetuates his inclination to seek sexual gratification in ways not related to his significant other.

                    A woman who uses toys does the same.

                    Both reduce their responsiveness to their significant other's sexual prowess.

                    Why would anyone knowingly do such a thing? It makes us less human when we rely on machines (computers/toys) to indulge our sexual desires.

                    What ever happened to real hands/tongues/penises/vaginas and real people?
                    Agreed !!
                    There is a method to my madness ........ I just haven't found it yet.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by OhThereYouAre View Post
                      To each his/her own.

                      In my mind, a man who views porn regularly only perpetuates his inclination to seek sexual gratification in ways not related to his significant other.

                      A woman who uses toys does the same.

                      Both reduce their responsiveness to their significant other's sexual prowess.

                      Why would anyone knowingly do such a thing? It makes us less human when we rely on machines (computers/toys) to indulge our sexual desires.

                      What ever happened to real hands/tongues/penises/vaginas and real people?
                      Now you're talking.

                      Comment


                      • Good question for some of us.....<ng>

                        Originally posted by OhThereYouAre View Post
                        What ever happened to real hands/tongues/penises/vaginas and real people?

                        Comment


                        • porn is very bad

                          I can only advise you from my own experience. Seven years ago I was happily married with 3 daughters. Then my husband purchased a computer. I remember the first couple of days there were filthy picutres all over the computer. My kids even saw this, I was shocked and told him to cut it. Gradually over the years my husband became withdrawn and abusive, this is a man that I had never heard sware for at least 10 years. He even became physicaly abusive, pushing and shoving and showed me no respect at all. We went from havng a normal sex life to may be 3 times a year. But even though all of this I never though about porn. Then he accidently left his emails open and there was a lot of like "booty calls" and stuff like that. Then one morning I come home from church and sat on the computer, it must have died or something so I clicked restore to last session and this site The porn Hub come up with a discusting vido playing plus 2 girls with web cams aged 19 and 23 the same ages of his daughters. Well that was it for me we are now seperated and I carn't stand to even look at him. I now realise that over the past seven years he has been hooked on porn and I say its destroys your mind and your soul and your marriage

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by maree23 View Post
                            I can only advise you from my own experience. Seven years ago I was happily married with 3 daughters. Then my husband purchased a computer. I remember the first couple of days there were filthy picutres all over the computer. My kids even saw this, I was shocked and told him to cut it. Gradually over the years my husband became withdrawn and abusive, this is a man that I had never heard sware for at least 10 years. He even became physicaly abusive, pushing and shoving and showed me no respect at all. We went from havng a normal sex life to may be 3 times a year. But even though all of this I never though about porn. Then he accidently left his emails open and there was a lot of like "booty calls" and stuff like that. Then one morning I come home from church and sat on the computer, it must have died or something so I clicked restore to last session and this site The porn Hub come up with a discusting vido playing plus 2 girls with web cams aged 19 and 23 the same ages of his daughters. Well that was it for me we are now seperated and I carn't stand to even look at him. I now realise that over the past seven years he has been hooked on porn and I say its destroys your mind and your soul and your marriage
                            I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, it's very sad when men become so hooked on computers, let alone porn. Especially if they haven't had one before they tend to do everything they missed doing with it as teenagers. He must understand that there should be nothing worthy of more attention than real life.

                            Comment


                            • Male perspective

                              My wife recently caught me watching porn and we are arguing about it, so here's some male perspective.

                              Guys don't NEED porn, but we NEED to masturbate. Porn makes this easier for us, as fantasizing and creating scenarios in our head can be difficult, especially with distractions.
                              Porn is also an outlet for our fantasies. Nearly all men wish they could have multiple women at the same time, and guess what, most women aren't going to do that. This is fine, most men don't expect it. But if we could watch some guy doing it, and fantasize that it's us in that room, then we will. This goes for other things as well. Most men just fantasize about being virile studs who could get a new woman every day. This is a fact, men have fragile and hungry egos. If we can live out the stud fantasy vicariously through porn, then who does it hurt?

                              Porn gets a bad rap, but the truth is, it can be a very healthy thing for a man or even a woman. It can help relationships, and it can teach men how to be more proficient lovers.
                              The problem is, that women put too much thought into it. Let me answer your questions real quick and then i'm done.
                              1) Does he find them more attractive than me?
                              probably. These are women who do nothing but have sex. We don't see their annoying habits. These are women who often submit fully to us, and that is why they're so attractive...they feed our egos.
                              2) Would we rather be with them than you?
                              No. Because that would ruin the fantasy, we would then see their annoying habits and have arguments.
                              3) Does he wish I was more like that?
                              Yes and No. Being open and honest in bed and being willing to TRY new things is great. But don't do anything you aren't comfortable with.
                              4) Would he rather watch porn than be with me?
                              No. If he does, then there are deeper issues at work.

                              If you pet a man's ego, it will go a long way toward peeking his interest in sex.

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by giddyupdude View Post
                                1) Does he find them more attractive than me?
                                probably. These are women who do nothing but have sex. We don't see their annoying habits. These are women who often submit fully to us, and that is why they're so attractive...they feed our egos.
                                2) Would we rather be with them than you?
                                No. Because that would ruin the fantasy, we would then see their annoying habits and have arguments.



                                Wow ..... just wow.
                                There is a method to my madness ........ I just haven't found it yet.

                                Comment

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