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  • Before DIVORCE

    When you call the time, the place, the reason,

    Last edited by kaylar; 12-29-2007, 10:12 AM.

  • Catching him....not (adultery)

    Usually you find out he has been unfaithful and
    run to the lawyer's office.

    This is the biggest mistake you will ever make.

    This is because he has chosen the time, place
    and reason.

    You are simply reacting.

    The best advice is to not catch him until you
    are ready.

    By ready I mean emotionally ready.

    Very often men 'time' their affairs to coincide
    with the most crucial moments of a wife's life.

    It could be a new job, a promotion, a traumatic
    family situation, anything, where the divorce will
    only add more chaos.

    Hence, don't catch him until you are ready.

    If that means waiting a year, than that is what
    you do. You want to launch the divorce at your
    moment of greatest strength.

    You want the lawyer on tap, whose given you
    all the details, you want to know where your are
    going, (if anywhere) what the down side is, (if
    any) and set it so that it is as disrupting as a
    dental appointment.

    Plan, plan, plan.

    Don't alert him to your decisions. Let him go along
    in his happy way, thinking he's fooling you or that
    he can have a wife and a mistress.

    Do not telegraph your moves.
    And look at every eventuality.

    Some of the things you may need to do...

    Open your own bank account contra the 'joint'.
    Get as much property in your own name.
    'Steal' house money to give you a start.
    Sell items of value.

    Make new friends and new involvements without
    him. This might be clubs, hobbies, courses,
    whatever, as a precursor to your future single

    As long as the relationship is husband being 'nice'
    because he thinks you don't know about his
    girlfriend, milk it like a cow.


    • Getting 'me'

      In some relationships the property aspect is so
      confusing that it will take years to unravel.

      You don't want to spend years running back
      and forth to court. You want a clean break.
      You want all property issues resolved before
      divorce, not after.

      Make up your mind.

      In some cases the house is mortgaged.
      Do you want to keep paying a mortgage or
      would you rather get a share and go somewhere

      Some women have reached the stage in which
      getting 'me' is more important than property.

      Sometimes this is wise.

      If he's been paying the mortgage on the house
      meaning he has a share in it, and will react badly
      about being 'thrown out of his house', maybe
      going into violence..(and many men do) then
      it is better to leave the house and demand a
      forced sale or some kind of recompense than
      to remain and find him in and out of it, breaking
      locks when it suits him, (It's MY house! he shouts)

      A house is a house.
      It is not a soul.
      It is not a heart.

      Many times, where there is a situation in which
      it is likely that he will make a terrible row over the
      property, let him have it, or have the court sell it.

      And because you have planned on leaving him
      and the house for awhile you don't waste money
      on it.

      What you need to do is to get rid of all the 'hooks'.

      For example, if you know he is going to fight over
      some piece of furniture then leave it.

      Long before he knows you are going to divorce him
      begin cataloging certain items you intend to take.

      Don't buy anything new that can be fought over.
      Save money for your new home.

      Just before you leave, i.e. a month, begin moving
      out things that 'won't be missed'.

      You want to be out of the house when he is
      served with the divorce petition, and do not
      want him to find you too soon.

      You want the divorce to be as destressed as


      • The Lawyer

        What you need is someone interested in you and
        listens. Many times lawyers make wars where none
        existed because they are looking at dollar signs,
        you are looking at peace.

        Hire a lawyer who has time for you.

        Divorces are traumatic. You don't need someone
        checking a clock every ten seconds, because you
        can only 'get' thirty minutes.

        Yes, you're paying for the service, and yes the meter
        runs by time, but the lawyer who listens and asks the
        right questions, and doesn't make it seem you are on
        a conveyor belt, is the one you want.

        You want a lawyer to say..."Look, let's argue about
        the television, then settle on the dog. I'll pretend
        there's no emotion here, and that it's simply money.
        So when he starts to argue why he should get the
        television, and his lawyer becomes obnoxious, I'll
        say...okay, you get the T.V., we'll get the...uh..dog."

        You don't want one saying...
        "But it's a Big Screen Plasma TV and the dog is a mutt!"


        • ideal situation

          The ideal situation is when you perceive your
          marriage is failing for whatever reason, nearly
          a year before you are going to call it quits.

          This gives you time to adjust to your new status.
          Time for you to make plans, mentally apportion
          property, and if there are children, select the least
          disruptive method.

          With so many marriages failing today, the pre-nup
          has become common. The beauty of a pre-nup is
          that you agree to the division of property before
          the marriage takes place.

          In a way one gets a firm comprehension of the other
          person, how they view things, which would never
          come up before marriage.

          In some cases pre-nups prevent marriages.


          • Pre Nups

            Roger was quite wealthy, although he lived a rather
            humble life. Outsiders would not immediately perceive
            his status.

            After his first marriage collapsed, his wife, who simply
            wanted quit of him, did not demand very much, which
            was subsequently found extremely surprising, and
            warned him that he might not be so lucky the next time.

            He met Yvonne and things were proceeding well, but
            his lawyer advised a pre nup. When he told Yvonne
            of his intention, she became angry, and one thing led
            to another, and he was left with no doubt that she had
            learned of his financial status and that is what she
            wanted to marry.

            Hence, there was no marriage.

            Wayne presented his bride to be with a pre nup, she
            had her lawyer draw up another version, and Wayne
            said, 'you are marrying me, it is my way or no way.'

            Thinking she could somehow get around the agreement
            she married him. Wayne had, many years before, wrapped
            up his money in a trust, so that every cent outside of
            immediates had to be requested from the trustees.

            His wife, who thought she would get what he had during the
            marriage left him when she realised he could not put his hand
            in his pocket and replace her car over night.

            On the otherside, Lisa had a few choice bits of property
            and was very careful to ensure that they were wrapped
            up in a property company she formed with her sister.

            Hence, the company remained outside of the marriage,
            and was clearly evidenced on the pre nup. Craig,
            realising he'd never get his hands on the property broke
            the engagement.

            Very often the simpliest pre nups state one takes out
            what one brought in; meaning that only the property
            gained jointly falls for decision.

            So the spouse who moves into the others home does not
            get a share, but the apartment they purchased during the
            life of the marriage can be divided.

            In this way, a great deal of anguish is avoided.
            Last edited by kaylar; 02-25-2007, 04:00 PM.


            • Property to fight over

              If you haven't made a pre nup, that means everything
              will be open season.

              This means, it depends on how much time you want
              to invest fighting over items. If you have prepared
              for divorce, you realise that it is better to walk out
              with the clothes you stand up in and go on with your
              life, the spend the next years in an acrimonious divorce
              in which the lawyers win, and you lose.

              Getting 'me' is one of the biggest victories you will
              ever acheive. Getting out of a situation with no
              strings, no comebacks, will prove the best deal
              you ever made.

              Men have become violent, vicious, fighting over a
              piece of furniture. It is not the furniture, it is you

              Think of every thing in your house as a hand cuff.
              Do you want to be handcuffed to that man while
              arguing over this piece of wood? That electronic

              If you have planned this divorce, you have disconnected
              from much of the furniture and other items, carted
              off what you chose months before.

              For example, the coffee maker...
              "It's broken.." you say months before
              and move it out.

              The computer, the television, all break, are in the

              The fridge is on it's last legs, leave it. Don't
              worry about anything in the house. Whatever
              breaks or needs servicing stays with him.

              Plan your move to be without disruption.

              Often sending the kids away from summer vac
              is the best time to launch the divorce.

              You've thought about it for nearly a year,
              you've planned, you've organised, so that
              Friday night when he's with his gal, you're
              moving into your new place.

              Monday morning he's served with the papers.

              In this way the break is your choice, and

              He's had a year to 'change' to 'talk you out of it'
              by his behaviour. Because you never said anything
              to him about divorce, or girlfriend, or hurt, or anything
              does not exonerate him.

              His own brain should have prompted him not to
              get into an affair. His own mind should have
              considered the nights you were home alone.

              Does he need it to be shouted over a megaphone?

              Simply put, if I have to tell you that you're hurting
              me, that means you intended to hurt me.

              Your weapon, your only weapon, is yourself.
              You remove yourself from his fantasy world.

              He can have every gal on the street.
              Not you.
              He can live with ten women.
              Not you.

              By your clever escape, you silent move,
              you disappearance, you will gain his
              awe, his respect, and his knowledge that
              you were and are far too good for him.


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