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Is it OK to check on your husband's phone?

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  • Is it OK to check on your husband's phone?

    I have a habit of checking on my husband's text messsages and call lists. To me I have the right to do that. If he checks on mine, I am totally OK with it. He found out that I have been checking. He is not happy about it. He says I don't trust him and invading his privacy. But I was thinking, if he has got nothing to hide, then he should not be worried about me checking.

  • If he has caught you checking up on him to him it may seem like you believe he will end up doing something. He may take offence to that however..... if he is checking up on you..you have every right to do that same thing to him.

    There seems to be a lack of trust though...you said you have a habit of checking his messages, why's that?

    Comment


    • You don't trust him. Bottom line. And now he knows you don't trust him. And how can you fully love someone you don't trust? I'm sure he's asking himself this same question and now doubting your love for him. Has he done something in the past to make you doubt him?
      "Be what you're looking for."

      Comment


      • Communication and Trust. Clearly, in my opinion, these two things are lacking in your relationship.

        BD nailed it! You dont trust him.

        x.st was also right on with the question: Why?

        Comment


        • Confirmation bias? Checking for something to "confirm" your suspicion...Has he done any reason for you to do so? Before him, did you happen to develop trust issues?

          I say never assume anything between the two of you, i.e. "If he checks on mine, I am totally OK with it." (your words) apparently he's not OK with you checking it. Then why persist? Communicate clearly and do not let this get between you. If there is no trust in a relationship, why continue?

          No trust = No respect = no relationship

          Comment


          • Much of the value of relationship is lost when you don't have trust. I don't think there is any point to being in a relationship where the only reason someone behaves is beacuse they are worried about being caught. Also, if you spy on someone and they find out, it turns it into a sort of game - "she is spying, so if she wants to play that way, I can do whatever I want as long as I don't get caught).

            So, no, I think spying is NEVER a good idea. At the point you think you need to spy, its time to leave.

            Comment


            • Nope.
              I am happy because I am content with who I am. My wife is not responsible for my happiness, she enhances my happiness because she is so good to me.

              Comment


              • I have been bad at this lately, but with checking his facebook. I just feel so anxious that another lass is after him and he may be going along with the joy ride. So its totally my bad, but i feel reassured knowing nothings going on as i dont want to worry that i am living a lie and end up being hurt. It kinda makes me want to play a game with him and try and hurt him first before he hurts me. So if i found out about anything wrong then as a person i would feel he would have a bigger barrier to cross. As hes the one who has made the situation a mess, rather than me feeling like ive made the relationship a mess for not realizing in time that somethings going wrong and i was silly for not reconising sooner. I agree that i am happy for my partner to check my messages etc as i have nothing to hide and i feel it would give a extra boost of confidence that yes our relationship is going well and he has nothing to worry about.

                Though I do think to solve this really, you need to talk to your partner regularly and ask him if everything is going fine for him. Is there anything that you could be doing thats upsetting him? Let him know that you want to know and you never want to be in the dark about things. So if you can learn to have an honest relationship by speaking then you wouldnt need to check his message etc. Thats when i feel best, its when ive knowingly had a good open conversation with my partner and from that i can go away with all the confidence in the world that my partner is trustworthy and respectable for opening up to me about 99.999% of everything.

                Comment


                • Why, incidentally, do you feel you have the "right" to check his personal phone/text messages/etc? I'm not sure I understand how being married to someone entitles you to snoop. I would agree with your husband - you are invading his privacy, and you are making it clear that you don't trust him.

                  What exactly are you checking for, may I ask?

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by ManINeedACoffee View Post
                    Why, incidentally, do you feel you have the "right" to check his personal phone/text messages/etc? I'm not sure I understand how being married to someone entitles you to snoop. I would agree with your husband - you are invading his privacy, and you are making it clear that you don't trust him.

                    What exactly are you checking for, may I ask?

                    I have checked my husbands phone and email several times over the past 5 months after discovering nearly 300 texts back and forth between him and two other women. I pay our cell phone bill and was looking at it online when I noticed tons of texts to two strange numbers at all hours of the night and day. He stopped communicating with both women right away but initially lied about what took place and how far things went. My husband finally fessed up three months later to having a one night stand with one of the women, who lives close to where he lives and works. My husband had to move out of state to work after being unemployed with no income for 1 1/2 years and this put a real strain on our marriage. Trust is so important to relationships and I was blind sided by my husbands dishonesty and betrayal. The reason it is called cheating is because one person in the relationship is being deceived while the other one is carrying on with another person under false pretenses. I doubt if either of the women that my husband texted with would have been willing to do so if he said, "Im lonely, I love my wife but I want attention from other women. Would you like to carry on a sneaky text/email relationship?" When I first discovered what was going on, I didnt know if I could deal with it and was not willing to stay with a man who cannot be faithful. My husband has professed his love to me over and over and has apologized numerous times. We are working on our marriage through therapy and I love him very much. It is imperative that there is complete transparency after infidelity takes place. I told my husband if he cant be transparent, I cant be married to him. He gave me the passwords to Facebook and email and he knows that I check the log of phone calls and texts when I pay the bill. I dont think that is snoopy or wrong, I think cheating and lying are wrong.

                    Comment


                    • This debate has been ongoing for a long time. Personally, I believe that if both people in the relationship are well AWARE and ACCEPTING of looking at each other's phones/social network profile/etc, then it is fine. I look at my bf's phone, he looks at mine... usually it is just to get a # that one or the other of us doesn't have, or to see the funny joke texts we get... not to snoop.

                      The real problem I see here is that you're not just innocently looking through his phone. You're trying to catch him doing something. Once you've got that mentality, it's time to put the technology down and have a real c-o-n-v-e-r-s-a-t-i-o-n about your insecurity, loss of trust, why its happening, and what needs to be fixed and how. If it gets to the point that you feel you need to snoop, there are bigger problems in the relationship, and snooping doesn't fix them.

                      And don't for a minute think that looking at his phone or his facebook regularly is a sure sign that nothing is happening. If an untrustworthy person wants to do something without their sig other knowing, they will find a way to do it. One can have multiple secret/private social networking profiles, multiple (secret) phones, they can create a whole new persona if they want to and are good enough at keeping it under wraps. So if you're already dealing with someone you don't trust, looking as his phone will do nothing. The only way to rectify the issue (that being trust, or lack thereof) is to deal with the issue itself.

                      Comment


                      • For me personally in a healthy relationship, there is no room for secrets. In my case, I will only start to snoop if I feel something is not right in the relationship.

                        May I ask why you're checking his phone?

                        Comment


                        • i completely agree to bella

                          Originally posted by bella321 View Post
                          I have checked my husbands phone and email several times over the past 5 months after discovering nearly 300 texts back and forth between him and two other women. I pay our cell phone bill and was looking at it online when I noticed tons of texts to two strange numbers at all hours of the night and day. He stopped communicating with both women right away but initially lied about what took place and how far things went. My husband finally fessed up three months later to having a one night stand with one of the women, who lives close to where he lives and works. My husband had to move out of state to work after being unemployed with no income for 1 1/2 years and this put a real strain on our marriage. Trust is so important to relationships and I was blind sided by my husbands dishonesty and betrayal. The reason it is called cheating is because one person in the relationship is being deceived while the other one is carrying on with another person under false pretenses. I doubt if either of the women that my husband texted with would have been willing to do so if he said, "Im lonely, I love my wife but I want attention from other women. Would you like to carry on a sneaky text/email relationship?" When I first discovered what was going on, I didnt know if I could deal with it and was not willing to stay with a man who cannot be faithful. My husband has professed his love to me over and over and has apologized numerous times. We are working on our marriage through therapy and I love him very much. It is imperative that there is complete transparency after infidelity takes place. I told my husband if he cant be transparent, I cant be married to him. He gave me the passwords to Facebook and email and he knows that I check the log of phone calls and texts when I pay the bill. I dont think that is snoopy or wrong, I think cheating and lying are wrong.

                          i agree to bella that cheating and lying both are equally wrong..lying is cheating!!! i had never intruded my husband 's privacy, until last year i noticed some calls to and fro to an unknown number that lasted for hours..i asked my husband about it and instead of giving me a explaination he got annoyed that i dont trust him and check his phone bills, etc etc, wen i had put pressure on him he said it was his frnd and they were discussing about their work. Although i wasnt satisfied, i accepted what he said. Later on, i called on that number myself, n found out it was a girl who worked with my husband..i also discovered some msgs on his work computer that they both were chatting. they chat almost evry single day, nothing related to work. My husband got aggressive first saying i had spoiled his reputation, but later admitted that he had been talking to her since few days, n they were only good friends.. ..later my husband stopped talking to her and then fortunately she switched to another job in a different state. Although i know my husband s not cheating on me now, i ve lost my trust on him. Sometimes even when he s being honest, i think he s lying to me again. I dont check on his msgs n phone calls, i asked him to change his passwords. Cuz i think i dont have to waste my time and energy thinking what he might be doing. If he wants to stay in this marriage as much as i want he ll work for it. If he doesnt, its his loss. I focus on my career now. dont gv a ******** about him anymore.. Trust once broken is very difficult to gain back. so i guess, checking on him sometimes saves ur life, but that obviously should not be a habit!!!

                          Comment


                          • I don't think it is a trust issue. I tend to look in my husband's phone too. Sometimes he doesn't tell me something or waits until the last second to let me know. My type of character is the type that wants to know what is going on so there are no surprises. My hubby keeps things to himself most of the time, checking his phone lets me know that there is something on his mind.

                            But if your husband doesn't like that, then respect his wishes and let him know why you feel you have to look at his phone.
                            I help you, you help me, we help each other!

                            Comment


                            • I have to agree

                              I have to agree;232661]
                              I myself have been through betrayal & had the rug ripped right out from under me. It's the worse feeling in the world. I thought I would never get over it but I did and part of me will always feel I need to be smarter and watch for the signs so I'm not taken for a fool again. And honestly Its not something many can understand but its a reality for some woman. As easy as it sounds.to "just leave" its way harder to actually do it, we invest more then half our lives with this man, have. Children, etc... So its not so simple especially when ur heart is still fully invested in this man while he's giving his attention to some other woman who knows him what a week?,.a month?.sometimes men can be so dumb & not realize they have a great woman that would do anything for him until she's gone.& alone. It's a sad reality.






                              I have checked my husbands phone and email several times over the past 5 months after discovering nearly 300 texts back and forth between him and two other women. I pay our cell phone bill and was looking at it online when I noticed tons of texts to two strange numbers at all hours of the night and day. He stopped communicating with both women right away but initially lied about what took place and how far things went. My husband finally fessed up three months later to having a one night stand with one of the women, who lives close to where he lives and works. My husband had to move out of state to work after being unemployed with no income for 1 1/2 years and this put a real strain on our marriage. Trust is so important to relationships and I was blind sided by my husbands dishonesty and betrayal. The reason it is called cheating is because one person in the relationship is being deceived while the other one is carrying on with another person under false pretenses. I doubt if either of the women that my husband texted with would have been willing to do so if he said, "Im lonely, I love my wife but I want attention from other women. Would you like to carry on a sneaky text/email relationship?" When I first discovered what was going on, I didnt know if I could deal with it and was not willing to stay with a man who cannot be faithful. My husband has professed his love to me over and over and has apologized numerous times. We are working on our marriage through therapy and I love him very much. It is imperative that there is complete transparency after infidelity takes place. I told my husband if he cant be transparent, I cant be married to him. He gave me the passwords to Facebook and email and he knows that I check the log of phone calls and texts when I pay the bill. I dont think that is snoopy or wrong, I think cheating and lying are wrong.[/QUOTE]

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