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thinking about giving up and leaving my fiance...

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  • thinking about giving up and leaving my fiance...

    I need some help ladies...i just found this site in order to get advice. I am having serious issues with my fiance...I am so frustrated that i dont know what to do!

    brief history...me and my fiance met in 07...had a son in 09...got engaged in 2010...and we are currently living in MD due to a job that my fiance took in DC. we are both from NY. but i agreed to move..leave my job and family...to be with him.

    We have been here since march 2010...and things have gotten worse. we talk but i feel like every convo ends with me being wrong...u see...my fiance must have the last word and he is very very good at speaking...on the other hand ....i have trouble expressing my self at times...he knows this and takes advantage and control of every convo this way...we can never ever get thru a convo without it being directed somewhere else bc of him.

    basically...we have trouble communicating....and he says its all my fault...ok...so bc of this...we have sex issues...emotional issues etc.

    I dont know what my next step is or how to even talk to him....anyone got any advice??? this is just a brief intro..i have no problem giving more details if you ask...thanks

  • Have the two of you ever thought about counseling?

    Do you love him?

    Comment


    • Lack of good communication in any relationship sucks! IMO - communication is the foundation on which relationships are built. You will need to address the communication issues, with the help of a good professional, if you're going to be able to make this work. Everything else should fall back into place once the challenges with communication have been worked through.

      Do you want to make it work? Based on the brief bit I read in your thread, I would say that you don't...only you know for sure.

      Comment


      • he would NEVER go to counseling...its not in his personality. even though he already knows he has trust and emotional issues from his mom that he needs worked out...he still would never do that.

        all i can say is that I care about him...a lot....i don't think i can actually say that i love him now as most of my love for him is anger right now. i used to be in love with him very much...its just with everything he has done...each little thing has def taken that away.

        i should mention that i kinda already knew that me and him weren't gonna work...it was just a gut feeling. we are 2 different people....and his came from a VERY broken home...borderline abusive...and i came from having my mom and dad paint the world for me that was full of possibilities...he has grown up with the complete opposite. But i have left it come this far bc of my son..and bc for the most part i care about him

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Seeker_Advice View Post
          Lack of good communication in any relationship sucks! IMO - communication is the foundation on which relationships are built. You will need to address the communication issues, with the help of a good professional, if you're going to be able to make this work. Everything else should fall back into place once the challenges with communication have been worked through.

          Do you want to make it work? Based on the brief bit I read in your thread, I would say that you don't...only you know for sure.



          sometimes i dont and sometime i do want it to work...its the times when its rough when i dont...and of course the times when were having fun is when i do want it to work....

          counseling is not happening..he wont let it....

          sometimes i feel like i would be happier with someone else...someone more like me..laid back. he worries and thinks alot..about DUMB .

          but thats besides the point....maybe i don't want it to work... i cant even answer that

          Comment


          • Originally posted by Dessie413 View Post
            he would NEVER go to counseling...its not in his personality. even though he already knows he has trust and emotional issues from his mom that he needs worked out...he still would never do that.

            all i can say is that I care about him...a lot....i don't think i can actually say that i love him now as most of my love for him is anger right now. i used to be in love with him very much...its just with everything he has done...each little thing has def taken that away.

            i should mention that i kinda already knew that me and him weren't gonna work...it was just a gut feeling. we are 2 different people....and his came from a VERY broken home...borderline abusive...and i came from having my mom and dad paint the world for me that was full of possibilities...he has grown up with the complete opposite. But i have left it come this far bc of my son..and bc for the most part i care about him
            Well... I think you have your answer right there.

            If he is unwilling to put aside his issues in order to seek counseling that would hopefully benefit not just him, but the two of you together, as well as the life of your son, then it is hard to stick around and fight for it.

            You care about him, he's the father of your child, he helped give you your most precious gift, but that's as far as it goes. Don't stay in a relationship because of a child, they are far more intuitive then anybody gives them credit for. He will eventually realize that you are unhappy in a relationship and therefore it will effect him, not just as a child, but as well as an adult. Stand on your own with your child. Show him that you can be happy and in a loving relationship when the time comes.

            Comment


            • I should mention that communication is not the only big problem...my fiance is verbally abusive in my opinion...BUT i am a very sensitive person...however..i cant see my self being happy with someone who call me an idiot...or who makes jokes about my intelligence....at least once a day. i make mistakes and he calls me stupid..his theory is a person who does stupid things..is stupid. except him. BC of this...i feel no desire to have sex with him...if he initiates..sex will happen...but i don't initiate sex anymore...and of course he complains about that..so i tell him why ( this was just 2 days ago) ...i tell him its the way he talks to me is why i dont start sex with him....THIS MORNING...he called me an idiot while walking out of our bedroom....

              which leads to another issue....cheating....I have cheated on him when we first got together in 08...i confessed it up bc he asked and i wanted to be honest. since then he has been having secret emails,secret cell phone, secret FB acct...meeting up with girls etc...BUT i have no proof that he actually had sex with any other woman...but my gut tells me he has. YEs i brought all this up to him....he said he was sorry..and got rid of all of it...email..phones....but not the fb account ( he actually just changed the email to that) but i still monitor it without his knowledge...as well as his current cell phone.


              There is so much BS..I could go on for daysssssssssssssss......still think counseling is an option?

              Comment


              • Originally posted by LanaBear View Post
                Well... I think you have your answer right there.

                If he is unwilling to put aside his issues in order to seek counseling that would hopefully benefit not just him, but the two of you together, as well as the life of your son, then it is hard to stick around and fight for it.

                You care about him, he's the father of your child, he helped give you your most precious gift, but that's as far as it goes. Don't stay in a relationship because of a child, they are far more intuitive then anybody gives them credit for. He will eventually realize that you are unhappy in a relationship and therefore it will effect him, not just as a child, but as well as an adult. Stand on your own with your child. Show him that you can be happy and in a loving relationship when the time comes.
                my gut has been telling me to leave....but I am terrified! I am terrified of what he might do to me...he has never hit me...but he is not the type of person you would want to off....he will only cause my life ...

                sometimes i wish i would have never got involved with him..i mean..why me?! why did i have to have a son with this ? and that makes me cry bc i love my son more than anything...he is 16 month now...and he sees his mommy cry...its terrible and at times i cant stop crying....until he comes home and i have to stop bc my crying makes him angry...

                i left my job, my family..to be here with him..he brought a town home and would not put me on the deed...because i don't pay any of the bills....i have no job and he actually tried to kick me out once bc i didnt pick him up from the train station...bc i wanted to spend more time with my family in NY....

                I wanna leave but how do i find the courage?

                Comment


                • Until a few minutes ago I was going to post something completely different, not now.

                  Things being the way they are, call your family. They'll be more than happy to come get you. Find a women's shelter until then. They are very professional in guarding victims of abusive spouses.

                  Your safety and your son's safety should never be compromised.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Dessie413 View Post
                    There is so much BS..I could go on for daysssssssssssssss......still think counseling is an option?

                    it really doesn't matter what anyone here thinks, what do YOU think? What do YOU want? What is best for YOUR SON?

                    You say you care for him, but your love for him has been replaced with anger, you doubt it is even worth it to stay, he verbally abuses you, you have no sexual attraction to him, you've already cheated and suspect he was/is cheating on you, no trust....

                    so to you, Dessie, I ask, still think staying together is the best option? You've already said no.

                    Find the courage by thinking of what is best for your family (that comprising of you and your baby)... you need to be happy, and you need to give him a safe enviroment to grow up in.

                    Call your parents and get their support in helping you move away
                    Last edited by KMonte85; 01-12-2011, 02:21 PM. Reason: added more after seeing Dessie's latest post

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by pretzel View Post
                      Until a few minutes ago I was going to post something completely different, not now.

                      Things being the way they are, call your family. They'll be more than happy to come get you. Find a women's shelter until then. They are very professional in guarding victims of abusive spouses.

                      Your safety and your son's safety should never be compromised.
                      I completely agree with Prez here.

                      My initial response and the response I have now are completely different the more and more you share about your relationship.

                      It sounds like it was very toxic from the beginning. YOU do not deserve this and neither does you child. He doesn't want to see mommy crying all the time.

                      Get a hold of your family and tell them, tell them the truth about what you are going through and leave. Get in touch with a group or someone you can talk to for abused spouses. If you need to get a restraining order, do so.

                      You and your son deserve so much more than the life this man is giving you.

                      Comment


                      • Please never compromise you and your son's safety. Get a hold of your parents and link up to a women's shelter in your area. You do not have to go and have you and your son IN, but at least let the shelter know so that they can assist you since you are away from your family.

                        I also find myself struggling between words but I discovered that I can better express myself by writing my thoughts and feelings. write down what you think and how you feel. When the time comes where you find yourself having to explain things to him, you can have your notes ready - do not be embarrassed about it. I did that and I still do it until now. It helps open the communication lines. If you have to let your suppressed resentment/anger out with so much emotion, do so. It helps.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by LanaBear View Post
                          I completely agree with Prez here.

                          My initial response and the response I have now are completely different the more and more you share about your relationship.

                          It sounds like it was very toxic from the beginning. YOU do not deserve this and neither does you child. He doesn't want to see mommy crying all the time.

                          Get a hold of your family and tell them, tell them the truth about what you are going through and leave. Get in touch with a group or someone you can talk to for abused spouses. If you need to get a restraining order, do so.

                          You and your son deserve so much more than the life this man is giving you.



                          my family will not help....all they are going to tell me is " I told you so" ( i have told them how he talks to me before) its just my mom and grandma...and they are old fashioned..they feel i should stick with it..and that maybe its something im not doing that i should be doing. my mom stayed with my dad till he died..even though she was miserable for the last 5 yrs of his life...she just moved into another bedroom.
                          my grandma is the same way..the only time they think i should leave is if he puts his hands on me.

                          i know your 100% right....but where does my courage come from to pack up and leave....that's my problem..Im too freakin scared...and i such a peace person that i just want to fix it all...im a punk...

                          and i feel more of a punk because he tells me this is all my fault...and a part of me is actually believing him...but i know it doesn't feel right.

                          I appreciate your advice so much..as this is the first time i have actually spoken about my issues with this man...to anyone. BUT there are other conditions ( like i said i have BS for daysssss)...im on probation....off in march of this yr..i am afraid he will try to screw this up for me..I have trusted him with all my secrets....


                          i dont want to just up and leave without really thinking....bc i have a tendency to just react without thinking and it usually cause me problems....what should i do before i actually leave MD?

                          Comment


                          • how do you think he can screw up your probation? Were you doing things you shouldn't have that he can prove?

                            it seems you've fallen in the same pattern your mom and Grandmother did, but the kicker is: you can see it isn't right and want to do something about it! That's a huge first step. So you know your family won't be much help.. you must have friends back home - can you confide in any of them and seek their support?

                            Comment


                            • YOU go to a counselor on your own and sort yourself out first. Having someone to support you would help clear up what's been silenced within you. Contact a counselor now.

                              Comment

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