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When is enough and time to leave hubby?

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  • When is enough and time to leave hubby?

    Hello everyone,
    I feel really weird writing about this as this is my first time exposing my real thoughts and feelings.

    Where do i start? O.k, my hubby and I met about 10 years ago and we have only been married for 4 years, we have 2 boys whom we both adore.
    My husband's job requires us to travel extensively, leaving us in one country for 2 years maximum.

    To cut a long story short, we are both from different countries and a year ago, his mom was diagnosed with cancer, so we moved here for the sake of him and his family (even though he says it is a better job opportunity) and me giving up mine.
    o.k, so we arrived in Europe, no friends, no family, I am unable to communicate as I only speak English and so it was really hard for me the first six months, we fought alot and the first fight we had I don't even remember why it was so unimportant. Anyway, he spat on me, threw me on the floor, hit me (I did fight back), we didn't speak for a while after that, but you know the funny thing...HE NEVER APOLOGISED, he says I provoked him and it was my fault!! Of course, after thinking about it I thought maybe I did get in his face a bit too much, maybe I was being an insensitive cow so I let it slide.

    I wanted to make him happy so I made an effort, I started visiting his parents, even cooking Christmas dinner for the whole family and visiting and trying to forgive and forget. Things got better and then his mother fell ill about 3 weeks ago,He went to the parents for the weekend and told me he is taking the kids, he didn't ask, he demanded!!! I told him that I didn't want my kids to be in a HOSPITAL for the weekend as it is not an environment for young children, they are only 4 and 6, it is too depressing!! He went mad, he punched my in the face with his fist and told me "you're a dirty *****, I'll kill you, blah blah, you name it he said it! He left without them and did not apologise, no remorse at all!! I have not seen him since, but I am wondering, how far is too far? Is the stress of his mother making him a monster, am I making excuses for him? Should I leave? Does stress justify his behaviour? I am really scared to make him angry....

    Hopefully someone out there can give me the sign that I am looking for...
    Ronnie

  • No one "made him into a monster" ... he was always that.

    Did you see some warning signs? Red flags about this guy?
    Was he ever "controlling" to you? He's selfish and abusive.

    What are you waiting for? He's punched, spit on you (which is totally dispicable. That's nasty! It's one of the lowest forms of disrespect around).

    When will you make the decision to leave him? He hasn't come back, and he's been terribly abusive toward you.
    You need to file a PPO (Personal Protection Order) I know it's hard to get that reinforced in a lot of places, but still get one. You also need to move and get your children out of that environment.

    Should you divorce this man, (you need to get away) you need to be able to show that he was abusive and that he was dangerous to the kids. This your LIFE we're talking about! When are you going to face the facts and see the situation for what it is!!
    This man will keep on using you as a punching bag... what will you do? Keep allowing this to be so???
    Last edited by JubesInquest; 07-03-2007, 09:29 AM. Reason: correction

    Comment


    • How I did it

      I feel I need to let you know that its not your fault at all. There is no need to feel bad about yourself or the situation. He did this not you but you have to be the one who says no more. This is not healthy for you but most of all for your children. They are the important part of all this. Remeber that children repeat behavior. My exhusband was verbally and physically abusive for many years and they will not stop their acts only you can stop them by leaving and not putting yourself in that situation. Do not allow yourself to be bullied by this monster. Take controll of your life and your childrens and please get some help if not for your sake then look into your childrens eyes and do it for them. I will not pretent that it is easy but never give up. Hope and faith will be your guide. Good luck and if you need to chat let me know.

      Comment


      • First of all why would it be your fault? No matter how mad a man gets he should never put his hands on you. and spitting is the ultimate no no. i know you love him and you want to make it work but you have to get out of this situation. you have two kids to think about and you have to live for them. Please get out of this relationship before its tool late.

        Comment


        • Thank you for all your responses. I hear what everyone says and I am thinking hard about it. First of all, I am financially dependant on him and secondly he said I would never get the kids EVER he would make sure of that! (don't know exactly what he means) I am really scared about losing the children, this is my biggest fear, I wouldn't be surprised if he hires someone to finish me off..he has mentioned this once.

          He came back 3 days later and he could see the state my face was in when he arrived and guess what...he never apologised! He said I am trying to control him by not letting the kids spend the weekend at their grandparents and his mother is in a very grave condition. So of course, everything was my fault once again, he told me I am psychotic and need to get psychiatric help or he will leave me!Hard to believe but true!!
          I asked him if he ever considered getting help for his anger management problem and he said "well if you didn't make me angry there wouldn't be a problem!"

          I am so torn at the moment...maybe I am a crazy person, but you know what, I don't think so. He is trying to twist everything so I think that I am crazy...he even challenged me to tell people that were asking me what happened to my face, the truth! I think the problem is that he is an only child and a spoilt one at that, he is the kind of guy that even has his parents kissing his ***! He knows he's good looking and told me that women are not that hard to find.
          I guess the thing that hurts me the most is when he said,"don't ever ask me to choose between you and my mother cos you'll never win!"

          Thank you for your responses, much appreciated and God bless

          Comment


          • To tladybugz

            I just went back to read your questions, missed a couple sorry!
            Firstly, no there were no warning signs..he was the sweetest ever for the first 8 years He was never controlling or abusive, he has just changed in the last 2 I would say. My whole family said he was such a good catch, needless to say, I have only told my Mom and she was very surprised, she said that maybe I should divorce him and raise the children on my own, kind of like your messages. He does have a very colourful past though, womaniser, casanova.

            To tladybugz: I admire you, you sound like a gutsy lady, do you have children? If he was the kind of guy that didn't give two hoots about them I would have left ages ago, but they are his life and I am sure he would rather kill me first than be without them. This is my biggest problem, jobs I know I can find. I am a really weak person though and hope that I will have the strength to leave. Do you think it is a phase that he is going through, maybe a midlife crisis or something? I know some men handle it differently, especially as there were no previous signs.

            Thank you for all your kind words. God bless

            For now, I am staying out of his way....

            Comment


            • Uncaged


              No one provokes another person to violence unless they
              wish to commit violence. It's a fact. In marriages, when
              a husband 'suddenly' becomes violent it is only sudden
              because you missed the emotional/intellectual/verbal
              abuse as Abuse.

              I was speaking at a forum some years ago, and an older
              woman came to me;

              "I have been married fifty years, and it was not until I heard
              you speak that I realised, I have been abused for fifty years.
              My husband constantly speaks to me as if I'm subhuman."

              She went through horrible statements he had made to her
              that she had accepted as 'true'.

              The reason he never hit her was because she was a larger
              woman and would have hit him back, because she was that
              kind of a person.

              Had she been a smaller less violent person, he would have
              physically abused her.

              The violence this man has shown you will only get worse.

              I know one man who had beaten his girlfriend so she dumped
              him, his first wife, she left him, his second wife, divorced him.
              And in an interview he denied ever being violent.

              When pressed he said he was never violent, then went on to
              explain how each one of these women 'provoked' him. And
              after fully explaining, he again stated he wasn't violent.


              Comment


              • Sweetie, your post brings tears to my eyes. You **are** a strong person, here you are trying to figure out how use that strength.

                This is **not** your fault.
                There is **no** excuse for his actions. None. Not stress, not a midlife crisis, nothing.

                Part of what abusers do, in addition to the physical abuse, is to break you down mentally, to make you feel weak, to make you feel like you're going crazy. That way you won't realize that you can get out, and that you don't deserve this. Many abusers are also very charming when they want to be.

                Please, please get out. You want a sign, this is it. Save yourself and your children. I know you say he's wonderful to the kids now, but who's to say when they'll end up doing something that pushes them over the edge. Please don't take that chance.

                I am not familiar with Europe, but if I can help you find a shelter or an advocate, or if there's anything I can do, please email me. antiprincess AT gmail.com

                Comment


                • Your husband is extremely arrogant and b/c his family kisses his rump, he's been a fool for years.

                  You need to get away from him b/c he is terribly violent -- there's NO WAY his nasty, violent temper is YOUR fault. He's always been this way, and apparently, his parents never taught him to respect boundaries or have respect for others.

                  He can go out and have as many women as he wants to; more than likely, he's done that since he bragged to you that he's so "good-looking" and can have "any woman" he wants.
                  He'd better remember there are all kinds of diseases, HIV/AIDS and things that will eat you alive out there... and if he keeps on messing with these women, he might just find an angry boyfriend or husband waiting for his sick behind somewhere....

                  And he's going to take your kids from you? He's SICK! He's got some mental health issues going on and he needs serious psyche help! He's definitely using this as a scare tactic to keep you from leaving him.

                  You say you've been to Europe... you shouldn't be living in fear of this man. You do need to get some help for domestic abuse, because this is exactly what your situation is. He's violent and if he hasn't done so to the kids now, what's to stop him from exhibiting this same behaviour on the children?

                  You have a decision to make.

                  Comment


                  • Getting out!

                    Thanks for your responses once again, it definately makes me feel stronger.
                    We are in Europe at the moment and that's why I feel that I have nowhere to turn, I am about to go with the children on vacation in the next 3 weeks, (he is staying with his mom, who by the way still detests me even though she is supposedly terminally ill) where I will be returning home and supposed to come back, but I see this as my way out.
                    I think he has become wise because I was supposed to take the children with me and he said "just take your ticket and leave", but leave the kids behind. He told me that when I get to the airport the police will be waiting for me. He just told me recently that on my youngest son's European passport, he has not listed me as the mother, so if I leave with him it will be considered kidnapping.

                    He knows I want to leave but he is holding the kids over my head, what do I do? I would rather die than leave the kids behind. We had another fight yesterday but I moved far away from him and I told him that if he touched me I would have him killed, so he didn't. The previous day he had a "meeting" with his boss(female) which lasted for two hours!!They could not have been talking about work! The next day she called at 9pm and they spoke until 11pm, HELLOOOOO!!So I asked him if an affair was brewing or already happening, he told me I am psychotic, I mean please, what am I supposed to think, besides he took the call outside so I couldn't hear anything. What on earth could they possibly be talking about?He said he is tired of my ******** and wants a divorce, I said o.k, but then he said "and u leave on your own". So this is where I am stuck! He has obviously found a replacement for me.

                    p.s. everytime we fight he runs to mommy and daddy for the weekend, is this normal for a grown man??
                    God bless everyone!

                    Comment


                    • He is very abnormal and I am glad you see the need to get out - now it is coming to the crunch he is showing himself for what he is. Please don't let him twist your thinking into feeling that you are in the wrong. It is not right to hit your partner. Ever.
                      I don't know where you are in Europe, but in many cities there are police and welfare services with english speaking staff. Please do get in contact with somebody and let them know you are in danger as they can help protect you. It may also be a good idea to get in touch with your embassy or consulate as they could help if there is any difficulty with the passports.

                      Comment


                      • Safety planning for someone involved in an abusive relationship is a necessary and important step. Planning can begin while you're still with your abuser or after the relationship has ended. While still in an abusive relationship, your safety is of primary importance.

                        Keep these tips in mind when planning to leave an abusive partner:

                        Before you leave?
                        Get help to make a plan.
                        Create a code word.
                        Document your abuse.
                        Pack an emergency bag.

                        Document your abuse by?
                        Keeping a journal.
                        Seeing a doctor.
                        Filing a police report.
                        Taking photos.

                        Pack an emergency bag with?
                        Money
                        Your checkbook and bank info
                        Credit cards
                        Identification for you and your children
                        Car keys
                        Court papers
                        Medications

                        After you leave?
                        Tell family and friends.
                        Get an order of protection.
                        Put 911 on speed dial.
                        Change your cell phone number.
                        Change your daily routine.
                        Avoid being alone.
                        Find a safe place to stay

                        Comment



                        • Excellent Advice

                          Comment


                          • Sorry to hear about everything. Call a Lawyer!!!!! he cant hold those kids over ur head. If anything file for divorce and move into a diffrent apt with ur kids. And take his sorry ***** to court. Be strong ur kids cant live like this. its alot easier for kids to get over divorced parents then kids who see their mommy and daddt fighting all the time and see mommy having booboo's and such. u did fine before this man and u will do fine after!

                            Comment


                            • Ok, he's not normal... as it's been stated.

                              He's messing around w/his "boss" and there's no need for you to ask him questions about who he's seeing and if he's having an affair--he's about had quite a few.

                              So he said he didn't list you as the mother on the passport... don't you have birth certificates or birth records for your children? You ARE the mother and he can't change that!
                              They can always question paternity, but as a MOTHER... YOU ARE IT!!!

                              Now don't let him get in your head and make you feel trapped.
                              You can get away from him. Look at those handy tips for your "escape"! Use them! That's good information for you. While you still have the mindset to leave, get up and do so. Take those children. Don't give him the opportunity to poison your kids mind against you; because I guarantee you, that's exactly what he will do; if he hasn't done so in part already.

                              If you leave without the children he will tell them that you didn't want them or him-- their FATHER-- and you left for another man. He'll also say you weren't this kind of a mother and you weren't that kind of a mother and that's why his mom and dad don't like you ... YADA, YADA, YADA.

                              Take your children and yourself and get a fresh start in life. It can be done.
                              Get to someone who speaks English wherever you are and present them with what has happened to you and make sure you get protection for you and your children and file every report necessary.

                              Stay safe, sweetie.
                              Last edited by JubesInquest; 07-12-2007, 08:12 AM.

                              Comment

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