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Husband's Masturbation

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  • Husband's Masturbation

    Ok - I know this is a touchy subject but it seems to be a common problem. I am worried about my husband's masturbation habits. I don’t mind him masturbating and I generally think it a normal thing that guys do. But I think that in his case it has become a problem.

    Our relationship is basically good, but we are hardly ever intimate with each other anymore and we are lucky if we have sex once every two weeks. Granted, we have two kids and life is really hectic so I don't expect us to be like we were when we first got married, but I think he is using masturbation to get sexual satisfaction instead of being intimate with me.

    Other than the intimacy issue, everything else is ok. He’s a good husband and a great dad, and we do love each other. We have talked about this issue and we both agree that it is a problem. He gets embarrassed about it and says that he would like to stop but it is hard to. I think that it is just a lot easier for him to masturbate than to find the energy to be intimate with me.

    What I would like to know is whether anyone has tried using a chastity devise to help control their husband’s masturbation? Please don't post any attack messages - I really would like to know if this is something that anyone has tried.

    I know there is a lot of stuff about using chastity devises on the internet and that most of it is just fantasy. I also know that talking about the problem and communicating is the most important thing we can do to solve it. I don't have any desire to dominate my husband or to control him, I am just interested in helping him contol his masterbation habit. Talking about it can only go so far and to make a change, at some point you have take some kind of action too. I know that using a chastity devise alone is going to fix the problem, but I am interested to know if using one could help.

    Please don't post angry replies. I really want to know if anyone has any experience with this.

  • We don't allow any attacking of people, so don't worry about that here.

    I think that a chastity device in your case might be jumping the gun ... I feel like if your husband really wanted to control his masturbation and attend to sex as a part of your healthy marriage, he would. It's possible he doesn't understand the severity of the issue, or if he does, he doesn't want to face it. If you get a chastity device, I think he might find ways to get around it or just resent you for it, you, and the sex you might have as a result of the device too.

    People in general will change their habits when they want to, and not before.
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    • I agree with Little. The castity belt will not work. Just because he can't masturbating, there is no garuntee he will come to you. Also, you can't keep it on forever and when it does come off, you will be back to square one. It seems like this is an addiction and the best way to address it is like other addictions, stop completely. You can't quit smoking by just smoking occassionally. You have to do it completely and go cold turkey. Your husband needs help to quit. The conversations you are having is not doing it, so maybe he needs to see a professional. Just think of it as any other addiction, like alcohol or drugs. There are also sex addiction groups across the country, you can google them.
      Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

      Comment


      • Thank you for the replies. I was afraid that I was going to get a bunch of angry responses for posting such an "out there" topic.

        I think I should clear one thing up. The only way we would use a chastity devise is if my husband was agreeable to it. If he ever had any objections to it I would not want to do it. I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do, and I don't think that imposing something on someone against their will is ever a good idea.

        Little - I appreciate your comments. But while I agree that people will change their habits when they want to, this isn't a case where I want him to change a habit that he doesn't want to change. I also think that sometimes people want to change a habit but they need some help changing them.

        But I don't think his masturbation is at a point where I would consider it an addiction, but I will admit that I could be wrong. I will be the first to admit that there are other things that get in the way too, like work, kids, and "life" get in the way too. Using a chastity device is not the sole answer, and we obviously need to make more time for each other. But the masturbation issue is something that affects us, and I just thought that in addition to working on other things, using a chastity device might help him with his "habit" and maybe help put his focus back where it belongs.

        Comment



        • I am curious as to when he masturbates ? Does he do it when the kids are asleep or in bed or Occupied elsewhere, where are you when he Masturbates ?

          Is he watching Porn when he Masturbates, or does he just get the " Urge " and whack it off in the Shower or while in the Bathroom.

          Do you try and make yourself Available after the kids are taken care of and asleep ? Usually Sex doesn't take that long 5-15 minutes, as I see it he has time to have " Sex " with himself, why can't he make time to have Sex with his Wife ?

          Finding out Why he does it, besides the " It feels Good " is important. Finding out why he seems to not be able to Control it and save his ejaculation for when you are the Recipient, rather than his hand or towel is also important.

          Having kids and a Hectic life, may slow down the Sex Life with some couples, but couples can and do, make time to keep their sex life satisfactory and balanced. There are Friends and Neighbors and Family, that you can Trade off " Babysitting " Nights , so Grownups can have Grownup Nights, or even afternoons. A couple of hours once a week is not too much time to " take away " from the Kids.
          Even if you don't Make Love, it's still time to yourselves, Quiet Time, Issue talking Time, Cuddling time, Romance Time. Time that is Needed in every relationship, undistributed , to be as you were when you first got married or in the Serious Relationship.

          Be gentle with him, but Firm, when you ask him to stop or at least cut down and make sure that he understands that you Love him and much prefer he have Sex with you, instead of himself. Be Honest and tell him how it makes you feel.

          I am Betting that it really Bugs you allot, knowing that it may seem that He seems to not " need " You that way, He can after all do himself, less hassle and less of an Intimacy.
          An " Im Horny, I can take care of it myself " attitude, is not a relationship building or keeping, Mentality to be in .

          I'm sure that your Concern is very real. And know that masturbation can be an addiction ( as already said ) and with all addictions, there are problems and those problems multiply and get worse . also as said, it is no different than any other Addiction. It takes the Want , The Will and the Actual Doing ( or Not Doing ) in this case, as well as other Addictions.

          I'm not saying be ready every minute, when he has a " Whim To Whack " to BJ or Quickie Express Him. But you can be supportive and tell him " Save it for Us for Later ". Later being your " Grown Up Nights ".. But the More he has " sex " with himself, is going to be the Less he has Sex with You .

          So Talk it out, get some help, professionally if needed. Do some research.. And try to get back in the Swing of Things





          Comment


          • Psychologist Gail Dines has written a lot about the destructive affects of pornography on men's sexuality and normal healthy relationships with their partners.. Typically she says men need more and more of more graphic porn to get off and start expecting their partners to perform like porn stars. If you have tried some spontaneous fun and he's still not interested and you think he may be porn addicted you need to make him aware of the destructive effects on your relationship before it is too late. Start with this article Dines, G 2010, The Truth about the Porn Industry, The Guardian, 2 July 2010, (link removed)
            Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 05-02-2012, 02:53 AM.

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            • By the way, when did you last have a weekend away in a cabin or hotel without the kids ? This was a regular relationship renewal in my marriage. Get naked and get close all weekend ....

              Comment


              • Thanks for the replies everyone. I just realized that I probably posted this in the wrong forum. I did not realize there was a Sex and Sexual Health forum. This is probably not the right place for this is it? I will repost it over there. I don't want to have an inappropriate discussion in the wrong place!

                Sorry!

                Comment


                • I actually can completely relate to this actually. My husband has a porn addiction, to the point he was watching it every time I wasn't around and even getting up in the middle of the night to watch it and masturbate. One time he even sent me to check the mail so he could watch porn and do it, we have a APO box because we're stationed overseas, so it gives him about 15 minutes or so. Our sex life went down to us having sex once a week or once every two weeks and I definitely was not okay with that. We're about to hit our 2 year anniversary, we have no kids and we should be at a place in our lives where we have a very healthy sex drive, I'm turning 25 soon and he's turning 28 soon, but we didn't. I eventually blocked all pornography links through our computer, but then he started downloading it from the internet. When it got to that point I flipped on him and told him how I felt, and that how could he expect me to have good self-esteem and feel great about myself when he's wanting to whack it several times a week but only be intimate with me once? And also at this point, not only was he turning down intercourse, but he was turning down oral sex also. I really am not sure what has changed in the past month, but he realized how much of a problem it was causing not only for him but for our relationship to. And instead of him watching porn alone we now watch it together. But I also got to a point where I just didn't care anymore, I basically gave up on thinking I'd ever be better than porn to him. And in me doing that he has been showing me that I'm better and telling me I'm better. Yes we do watch porn together, but only when doing oral to each other, then we turn it off or go to our bedroom and we have sex there. I think by expressing your concern with your husband about his masturbation would be the best thing to do. Maybe he just thinks your not interested in sex because maybe you don't act like it. Or maybe he wants things he is afraid to share with you. You need to let him know that his sexual fantasies are something you'd consider if that is the case.


                  Me: 24 (25 in Nov) DH: 27 (28 in Jan)
                  MC 1: Found out Mar 1, 2011. Ended Mar 6, 2011.
                  MC 2: Found out Mar 24, 2012. Ended Mar 26, 2012.

                  Comment


                  • I'm really sorry I didn't find this thread earlier. I hope you still get this. I went through the EXACT same thing with my guy. I know addiction is a strong word, so let's just say he had developed a porn & masturbation habit that he couldn't stop. I'm fine with some masturbation, as you said, and even some porn. But my guy was getting to the point where he couldn't have sex with me anymore because he was wasting it all on the computer. I told him my concerns and he promissed to cut back but I would catch him the very next morning right back at it. I asked him if we could go to a counselor (even though I've got friends who have had no success with that route). He did NOT want to see a "shrink" for this issue and was determined to keep tying on his own.

                    He was the one who actually discovered the male chastity device. We're not really a kinky couple but we like to have fun. We own a pair of fuzzy cuffs that we play around with once in a while, but that's about it. I was nervous about this crazy new idea of his. When he showed me the pictures of the ******** online I was surprised that it seemed so innocuous and not as scary as I thought. It was still weird, but he seemed to think it would really help so I couldn't say no. We ordered one on Amazon and a week later we giggled like schoolchildren as we locked up his pipi. I admit that every time I saw it on him I would start laughing. I told him it was never going to work and that he would rip it off any minute.

                    I've never been happier to be proven wrong. The thing worked wonders. After only a day or so of being locked up he quickly realized that his only sexual avenue was now through me. He started redirecting all that sexual energy back to me, offering me back rubs, foot rubs and even going down on me.

                    1) It's going to take some work to figure out what fitting and what device works best for a man's body. We've since left the ******** behind and have upgraded to a Cage device from Chastity Heaven. It's a metal device but it's not as scary as it sounds. In fact, it's much eaier to keep clean it's more secure. So don't give up if the first device doesn't work perfectly.

                    2) Even though it was my guy's idea, chastity can be pretty tough on a guy. That's why you have to keep it fun! Teasing is the name of the game. You can't just lock him up and chuck the key and turn yuor back on his sexuality. You have to work with him, work him up, set goals for him to work towards and keep stoking the fires of his passions. If it gets too boring or difficul he just mike brave the trip to the locksmith.

                    3) Someone above commented that you'll have to let him out eventually. Do you? I didn't. It takes 21 days to make or breaka habit. So yes, if you want to let him out after 21 days he should be cured of his masturbation habit. (Now, he can reform it if he's not careful.) But inour case we found that we loved the chastity game so much (especially me) that we're still playing it over a year later. He loves how he's on a constant sexual high (since he never gets to cum anymore and I tease the ******** out of him) and I adore the attention he lavishes on me.

                    Male chatity play is very fun and it's not as kinky or manipulative as others have implied. Just have fun with it and help your guy get back his romantic streak.

                    Comment

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