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Troubles after baby, or after time apart?

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  • Troubles after baby, or after time apart?

    Hello All,
    I'm hoping to get some advice regarding my relationship with my SO. We are not married but have been together for 5 and 1/2 years, and now have a 4 and 1/2 month old son together. We have had alot of difficult times during our 5 years together, he cheated on me about 4 months into our relationship and didn't tell me until after I discovered his infedility lead to a child being born. (child was almost 2 years old when I found out) I have cheated on him also, I am admittedly no angel in this relationship. When I did cheat on him I came out and told him what I had done, I felt so much guilt when I looked at him there was no way I could have kept that secret from him. Neither of us ever "got over" the other cheating I dont think because we do still bring it up in arguements. Nonetheless we are still together. When we found out I was pregnant our relationship made a complete turn around, we hardly argued, I felt very loved and treasured and I thought he was happy with me.
    Last December he went to jail for a probation violation, for 6 months, a month before our child was to be born. We visited as much as allowed, twice a week for 40 minutes each time. We wrote litterally every single day and spoke on the phone about everyday. After our son was born I was still writing everyday, visiting twice a week. So we have made it through all of that, he came home Saturday the 9th and we are all doing well. I love seeing him and the baby together.

    So here is my problem, or what I am viewing as a problem... we haven't been intimate since he's been home. I realize its only been 3 days but after waiting 6 months I thought there would be no hesitation.
    I've always had problems with my self-image, self-esteem, and with initiating sex. He knows this and in the past he's worked really hard to understand my very subtle ways of letting him know I want him, it seems now all of that has gone.

    Am I expecting to much to soon? Am I just blowing this way out of proportion? I know lots of couples have difficulties being intimate after a baby, I guess I assumed the woman would be the one with the difficulties.

    I am just feeling very neglected, I am a person that needs physical touch... it doesn't even have to be a touch in a sexual way I just need to feel that connection. Really i'm not even looking to have sex, it would be very nice but what I really hope to gain is understanding into what I can do for him to feel comfortable with me again. I am so very afraid he'll lose interest in me and look outside our relationship, I also understand insecurity isn't an attractive trait so I haven't spoken to him yet about any of this. I was hoping someone could get me a little insight as these are unchartered waters and I have troubles with moving forward unless given direction... or a swift push! lol

    thank you for reading and Forgive me for spelling and grammer errors!

  • Sweet, my thoughts are this.

    He spent 6 months in jaol. Who knows what went on in there, whether he had to be the tough guy to survive.. Not having his life, locked away behind bars. That's got to do some damange to someone's mind surely..

    It's only been 3 days. I understand what you missed out on, but you have to also think of what he missed out on as it was more than just sex.

    Try, just constantly smiling, touching his arm for no reason, as you walk past, just basically making him ease back in, feel welcome and loved again.

    You know, it would have hurt him surely not being there when your baby was born and I bet he feels guilty as well that you had to do it alone.

    Sometimes you have to step back from your own thoughts/pain and look at others.

    And, then you need to remind him he has a son now. He can't get locked up again, those days are over
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

    Comment


    • Thank you for your kind words.

      We have discussed how both of our lifestyles need to change and how we need to find a healthy way to communicate with each other. In the past that has been the weak spot in our relationship.

      I do understand he has been through alot in the past 6 months, but the way he would talk about it its not like he was in any kind of danger to his person or his ego. We were both very excited when we found out we'd be having a baby together so I know it was very hard for him to not be able to be there. On the same token though he knows it was his own actions that brought him there, I think this experience has made him realize how his actions effect other people and not just himself.

      I will try to put my own desires aside and just be open with him, be open for whatever kind of affection/attention he needs or wants to give.

      Thank you again for your advice.

      Comment


      • Bumping.
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

        Comment


        • Originally posted by notlikethenormal View Post
          Thank you for your kind words.

          We have discussed how both of our lifestyles need to change and how we need to find a healthy way to communicate with each other. In the past that has been the weak spot in our relationship.
          Thank you again for your advice.
          You know this might sound crazy but as far as communicating healthy in marriage counseling my husband and I learned that if you get an inanimate object(in our case it was a tile given to us) and whoever had it had the floor. There can be no interruptions while the other person has the tile. This helped because we always interrupted each other a lot. As far as the trust issue you have to let it go and not bring it up. There needs to be a mutual understanding that it was in the past. and your future is what is important. This will be hard because I catch myself still sometimes doing this and I am in the wrong when I do, because I told him I forgave him. But sometimes its just so hard

          Comment


          • Originally posted by notlikethenormal View Post
            I do understand he has been through alot in the past 6 months, but the way he would talk about it its not like he was in any kind of danger to his person or his ego. We were both very excited when we found out we'd be having a baby together so I know it was very hard for him to not be able to be there.
            Jail is much different than simply being away for 6 months.

            He probably tell you he was not in danger to keep you from worrying. But, in general, he would need a tough guy image to survive. He would project being on the edge of violence or being able to become violent at the drop of a hat. After 6 months, it becomes hard to turn that off. He may be afraid of hurting you or the baby.

            Also, he has not fully integrated with the bonding of you and the baby. He knows that he is not supposed to fight against that bonding. He has not bonded with the baby and he feels the loss of bonding with you. Help him see that the bonding is not a threat and include him in the bonding.

            Give him a little time to come around and reassure him that you still want him and love him. Do physical touching, but introduce it gradually as he may be adverse to touching as it would not be welcomed in jail.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            ...
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

            Comment


            • I agree with other posters and would add - try to have some social time - without kids, going out, letting him get reintroduced to eating out, going for walks, etc...whatever you did together before this happened...
              [IMG]http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n78/jennimassa/pinupgirls-1.jpg[/IMG]C'mon girls - let's have some FUN!

              Comment


              • Update

                Okay so I let it go for 2 weeks, with no intimacy other than me attempting to be close to him at night and always kissing him/telling him I love him when I leave or return. Feeling completely forgotten I confided in a close friend of ours, this guy I confided in was friends with my boyfriend before we got together so I felt like if this friend thought his behavior was as odd as I did then I'm not over reacting. Really all I told the friend was that my boyfriend and I were doing good in every area besides the bedroom, he gave me this completely puzzled look and all I could say was yes, 6 months and 2 weeks without NOOKIE lol! I had to make a joke to make myself more comfortable but He got my point.
                The friend must have said something to my boyfriend because that night we did have sex. I was so thankful to be able to feel that intimate connection that I've needed after having our baby and being away from each other for so long.

                Since then though, I have tried doing things like wearing a nighty after a shower or just t-shirt and panties... and I get no action/reaction.


                On a positive note though, I feel he has connected with the baby and the baby has definately connected with him. I can't explain how happy it makes me to see them rolling around on the floor together or to watch him tickle our little boy and he just squeals and giggles.

                Comment


                • Update

                  So my problem has changed a bit...

                  We are having sex more often (once maybe twice a week) and I'm very thankful to have that connection back. Now it seems I'm just not satisfied. Its like no matter how long we make love or whether I orgasm or not I'm left wanting more. I have tried pleasing myself but most times that ends with me wanting intercourse, either getting it and not having an orgasm or just ignoring the urge for fear of rejection.

                  So how do I ask for more without making him feel like I'm not happy with what we've been working so hard on??

                  Comment


                  • Post baby there are still a lot of hormonal changes going on. I have heard women say they just can't get enough. Have you noticed that there are so many accidental pregnancies within the first year of giving birth. Tell your partner about that and see what kind of compromise you can come up with. BTW, this is the time to really be careful with your birthcontrol, unless you want to get pregnant.
                    Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                    Comment


                    • I am making a point to be very careful with my birthcontrol, taking it the very same time everyday.

                      Thank you.

                      Comment

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