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Boyfriend hates porn...

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  • Boyfriend hates porn...

    Hello everyone,
    My boyfriend and I are together for about one year and a month and our relationship is loving and just wonderful. Our sex life is also totally satisfying for both of us and we have sex quite often. But there is one problem due to his insecurity. I am his first girlfriend and he is already 24. Therefore he had alot of time worrying about himself being not normal or anything in the past. And you can still notice that in his behaviour sometimes. Especially, when it comes to sexual things.
    Before our relationship, I enjoyed reading an erotic story or even watch a little porn movie every now and then but I know, he would be more than disappointed, he'd be completely devastated, if he knew. He keeps telling me how wrong and disgusting ALL kinds of porn movies or stories are to him. Furthermore, he has big difficulties with his self esteem but just at this matter. When he heard me telling my best friend on the phone that I fancy a singer or actor, he started to cry and was hurt so badly... And it's hard for me to get back all his reliance on me again.
    Anyone who has similar experiences or tips?
    Thank you!

  • It sounds like his insecurity is very strong and he doesn't have the confidence to be controlling yet. Someone who was confident would not worry about you liking an actor or singer, because he would know that that is probably liking that artist's work and some fantasy thrown in. Nothing to worry about for a confident guy. Something a confident guy would remember and take you to concerts and first showings of movies.

    It sounds like he is totally against erotica. Where does that come from? He could be closeted or he could be morally against them. That condition could quickly change if he is closeted, or become dogma if it is morally based. Can you give up erotica for him and still be happy?
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • Hey JNS, I think you got it completely right, especially his aversion against erotica. He told me that it developed in the time when he was alone in a new town and over 20 and started worrying why he did not have a girlfriend yet. He watched alot of porn then and was kind of shocked by the rude and rough tone in there.
      Yes, I gave up erotica for him and it is okay. But sometimes I have a longing for it. But I won't do it as long as he is that much against it.

      Comment


      • He should read the 'six pillars of self esteem' and do the work prescribed in it. Very simple writing exercises, nothing fancy. Available on Amazon for a nominal sum and worth every penny. The author is called Nathaniel Brandon.
        "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Kiwicherry View Post
          Hey JNS, I think you got it completely right, especially his aversion against erotica. He told me that it developed in the time when he was alone in a new town and over 20 and started worrying why he did not have a girlfriend yet. He watched alot of porn then and was kind of shocked by the rude and rough tone in there.
          Yes, I gave up erotica for him and it is okay. But sometimes I have a longing for it. But I won't do it as long as he is that much against it.
          It sounds like he might be projecting his feelings about his actions with porn (watching a lot, watching sometimes more hardcore erotica) on to you? Have you tried suggesting you watch couples porn or porn 'for women' together? They are usually very soft and shouldn't offend him.

          On a separate note, he does need to work on his self esteem, it's natural to feel attracted to other people and such a severe reaction to just 'liking an artist' could cause further problems down the line.
          Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

          Comment


          • I at first wondered if it was a case that he'd built up an aversion to porn as he decided women as a whole don't like it, and then linked that to the fact he was single for so long. That said though, I do wonder if the sort of porn he's experience previously has been particularly rough or explicit.

            I'd start with something very tame like getting him to help you pick out some underwear from a magazine or website - seeing models in their underwear, with you, but knowing it's "ok" and helping him imagine you in that underwear and develop a fantasy about it, rather than the model. Another thought is a 'lovers guide' style DVD or 'educational' program - but you'd have to be careful he doesn't see that as you being unsatisfied with things.

            Lastly, and I know this isn't for everyone - what about suggesting you film yourself? perhaps you film him for a bit, he films you for a bit, then you put the camera down and "perform" in front of it together. WAtching yourselves back on tape CAN be very erotic for some... this might then extend into watching similar sorts of porn - or might be something you pretend never happened - but hey, could be worth a go?

            Comment


            • Why is it that someone who doesn't like porn be considered insecure.....I imagine there are lots of people who don't like porn and who are quite normal and have quite healthy sex lives. The very thought of porn turns my stomach, always has and I've had no problems in my sex life. Maybe you should just accept him as he is, or move on and find someone else with tastes more to your liking. But don't call the poor bloke insecure....

              Comment


              • Originally posted by AnnieE View Post
                Why is it that someone who doesn't like porn be considered insecure.....I imagine there are lots of people who don't like porn and who are quite normal and have quite healthy sex lives. The very thought of porn turns my stomach, always has and I've had no problems in my sex life. Maybe you should just accept him as he is, or move on and find someone else with tastes more to your liking. But don't call the poor bloke insecure....
                Originally posted by Kiwicherry View Post
                But there is one problem due to his insecurity. I am his first girlfriend and he is already 24. Therefore he had alot of time worrying about himself being not normal or anything in the past. And you can still notice that in his behaviour sometimes.

                ...

                When he heard me telling my best friend on the phone that I fancy a singer or actor, he started to cry and was hurt so badly... And it's hard for me to get back all his reliance on me again.
                AnnieE; as you can see, Kiwicherry was not just talking about being insecure with sexual matters or porn. He is insecure about her liking an entertainer that she most likely has never had contact with.
                I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                ...
                Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                Comment

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