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my fault?

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  • my fault?

    I'm not sure if anyone will ever read or respond to this, but I don't like telling my friends my marital problems because i dont want them to feel sorry for me and dislike my husband, and i'm tired of praying to no avail. My husband and I have 2 children with one on the way, and we've been together for 10years/married for 5. I'm 26 years old.
    My husband from day one has always been verbally abusive towards me, but since we have been married it has been alot better. But i'll admit right now, my dad hs never been a positive person in my life, always blaming me for everything, never brought home grades that were good enough, and never told me he loved me or was proud of me. So speaking from a psychological point og view, i was never set up as a child to seek out a healthy relationship with a male. My husband doean't love me unconditioanlly, just like my father, and some how I not only stayed knowing this, but married him.
    So my husband is very particular with speech etiquette, and his meals. I'm a bartender and i work mon-thurns 5pm to 1am. I'm pregnant and tired mpost of the time since I get up with the kids (4yrs and 2yrs old) every morning at 7am while my husband lays in bed. But according to him that's womens work, including cleaning, preparing meals, taking care of the kids, and I guess working and supporting the family too ( he works part time right now and is on unemployment). My husband is VERY VERY particular about food. for lunchhe'll have homemade sushi, homemade naan bread with sprouts pemeal bacon and chicken breast. evrything is home made (bread, tortillas, naan) and must be prepared exactly to his liking. if his meals are messed up, he will get very angry. today he told me he wanted the raw tuna in his sushi roll, and i thought he said on top, so i made it on top. i also didn't give him the pickled ginger ahead of his meal so he could pick at it until i made his lunch. he lost it on my, smashed the plate on the ground, smashed another plate, and then when i started crying, he picke dup a chair and threatened to smash the fish tank if i didn't stop crying. he tells me it's my fault he did that, and its my fault he lunch was ruined. but he never hits me. He breaks things, throws things, he'll push me into the counter, push me to the floor, dig his elbow into my arm until i bruise, and he has even spanked me like a child and put me in the corner. he tells me its my fault because i'm lazy and i act like a child. today it was my fault because he called my ahead of time and i should have had all the avacados cut up before he wake din the door, and made extra rice just in case. last week he dug is elbow into his arm because i interrupted him.. he makes me feel useless and stupid. he tells me i ruined the whole day and i do these things to him on purpose, but I would never do them to the kids. The more he yells at me, the dumber i feel and act, which makes him yell more. I have no education, i'm pregnant with 2 kids, and i dont have the relationship with my parents to run home to them. i justreally need to get an outside perspective on this. when i'm smart and his lunches are on time, and i have perfect speech etiquette, we get along great and i wold never ever leave. but when i mess up, he scares and makes me feel like a useless retard. n
    If possible i would like an opinion that's not going to tell me to leave him right away. this only happens when i mess up and i feel like its my fault. and when i'm upset with him after one of our fights, i have less patience with my kids and yell at them instead of yelling at him. but i'm scared to get in his face.

  • Originally posted by mynamehere View Post
    but he never hits me. He breaks things, throws things, he'll push me into the counter, push me to the floor, dig his elbow into my arm until i bruise, and he has even spanked me like a child and put me in the corner. he tells me its my fault because i'm lazy and i act like a child.
    I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

    First things first: your dad is an A-hole, and he is culpable, he has let you down and has a lot to answer for. I hate him already.

    Secondly, as I quoted above, this is domestic violence. Your husband is an abusive - physically and psychological - bully. His behavior is unacceptable. You shouldn't have to cook, clean, serve food and speak like a performing stepford housewife to escape being belittled, bullied and humiliated. I hate your husband too, even more than your dad.

    He gets away with this because he relies on the fact you (at least appear) to have no support network or means of leaving/escaping him. If you cannot/will not leave him then the least you can do is try sending him to counseling, this '******** rolling downhill syndrome' where he yells at you and then you yell at this kids is seriously unhealthy and needs to stop.

    Everyone makes mistakes, that's why they put rubbers in the ends of pencils. Messing up isn't putting tuna on a roll instead of inside it; it's not failing to chop avocados to a ridiculous deadline, If anyone is messing up it's your husband, he's failing you as a husband and his children as a father, just because he swans around his house making demands and imposing humiliating and degrading punishments like he's some kind of omnipotent deity doesn't mean he's any less of a cowardly bully.
    Last edited by Little; 08-07-2012, 08:15 AM.
    "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

    Comment


    • I agree -your dad sounds like my dad and your husband sounds like my ex. Please, get out now. Go anywhere. Please contact me if you want some support, i promise i won't judge you ok. Get help, it will only get worse.

      Just because he is not physically violent, doesn't mean you're not in an abusive relationship. He doesn't have to lay a finger on you, he does it all with words. You are worth more.

      Comment


      • Melephant, how are you my precious princess?
        "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

        Comment


        • Aw, that's nice Makes me sound like a chav but it's nice!

          I',m ok, i'm back at home -my fiance moved in with his parents cos the refuge me and my girl were in wasn't very nice... Getting my confidence and balls (metophorical, of course) back slowly. I would like to know how you are but i don't want to hijack this serious thread...

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          • I'm so glad you said metaphorical! I'm off out now but I'm glad to hear all is good in your hood xxx
            "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

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            • I urge you to leave with the children and go to a battered women's shelter. You will get the guidance you need there. Are you in a place that has one? Is your dad typical of your community or are most dads there protective of their daughters?
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              ...
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

              Comment


              • your initial question is "Is it my fault" and the answer is no. I feel sad for you that he has convinced you that it is. You are a good mom, and a good wife. You are not a slave, and should be treated with respect. As I read your post, all I could think of was your children. Think of them, and how they are being affected by the way their mommy is being treated. If you are scared, imagine how scared they are. You deserve better, but you should insist it for your kids. If you are scared to stand up to him, then the writing is on the wall whether he is abusing you or not..... no woman needs to be afraid of the man they are married to, no matter what. If your children are living in fear, that should be reason enough for you to leave. He may not be "hitting" you, but he IS leaving bruises, and mentally abusing you. Is that how you want your boys to treat women in their lifetime? Children become what they live. Be careful dear....and get help soon.
                just breathe . . .

                Comment


                • If I found out my sister's partner had done just one of those things to her just once I would beat him so hard it would alter his DNA.

                  Great advice from everyone here, please listen and GTFO, this guy deserves his ************** to be kicked before he dies a lonely death. NO man in the real sense of the word derives this kind of perverse pleasure from instilling fear into his own wife and terrorizing her for making the tiniest error in details when she 'serves' him. I've never even had a girl make me a lunch to take to work in the 8.5 years I've spent in long term relationships, and I've never complained once about it (seriously). You sound lovely and yet I can sense the lack of self confidence he's caused in you just from reading your post, things like "I've got no education"; if he cared and knew it meant something to you he'd support and encourage you whilst you did evening classes or something, yet the truth is it would bring out too much insecurity in him seeing you better yourself.

                  You're a pregnant woman who deserves love, respect and support from your husband, not to live in perpetual fear of becoming the victim of one this idiot's denigrating ego trips.

                  Devising a solid exit strategy for you and your kids should be, I think, priority number one.
                  "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

                  Comment


                  • Stop and imagine your situation as someone else's. Imagine your best friend or maybe your sister going through the things you go through every day.

                    I know you know you don't deserve this. Somewhere inside you know you are better than what you are living.

                    You have to want to leave, you have to want to get away from him and show your children that a relationship doesn't mean fear and constantly being reprimanded.

                    You are smart, you know you have to get away from him. That is all the education you need right now. Protect your children, and protect yourself from his toxic ways.

                    YOU DESERVE MORE.

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                    • I know you don't want to hear this, but you really need to leave this guy. Think about your children. Break the cycle. Your father was emotionally abusive to you. You married a man who is also emotionally abusive to you. Do you want your children living the same life you have? It is inevitable that they will follow the same path because you are teaching them, with your actions, that it is acceptable to be treated like a doormat by your partner. Just take a step back. Image your kids partner treating them the way your husband treats you. What would you do? Would you think that was OK? Please please please leave. If not for yourself, for your children.
                      Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                      Comment


                      • Here is some practical advise. Contact a battered women's shelter and start talking with somebody there about your options. Maybe even look into social services. Open a secret bank account and start saving money into it. Whose name is the house/apt you stay in under? If it is yours, kick him out and let the police know that you are in fear of him hurting you. They may be able to get a restraining order against you. Next time he does something that causes bruises, report it right away and make sure they document the bruises. The women's shether will be able to provide you advise on how to leave. Gool luck.
                        Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by sp346 View Post
                          Here is some practical advise. Contact a battered women's shelter and start talking with somebody there about your options. Maybe even look into social services. Open a secret bank account and start saving money into it. Whose name is the house/apt you stay in under? If it is yours, kick him out and let the police know that you are in fear of him hurting you. They may be able to get a restraining order against you. Next time he does something that causes bruises, report it right away and make sure they document the bruises. The women's shether will be able to provide you advise on how to leave. Gool luck.
                          Any bruising take a photo of it with you holding that day's newspaper. Hopefully the collection of pictures wont get to big but each one will very much work in your favor if things reach the litigation stage, which will hopefully be soon when you divorce him.
                          "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

                          Comment

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