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Boyfriend of 7 years almost cheated. Says he just 'wasn't thinking'??

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  • Boyfriend of 7 years almost cheated. Says he just 'wasn't thinking'??

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and have been living together for 5, though we aren't married yet. We've always got along very well, and never really fought. We had been talking about marriage and kids and it seemed like we were on a pretty smooth ride as far as the relationship went.

    The last 2 years had been a little difficult because he became unemployed and could not find work. I was supporting him and paying all the bills, so I'll admit that it started to feel more like I had a roommate than a partner in life. We were still affectionate, but my personal libido kind of sank.

    He finally got a job recently, and I was thrilled because I thought once the responsibilities evened out I would start to feel better about our relationship.

    Then, not three weeks after this, I find he's late to pick me up from work one day. While explaining he admits to me that he's been text-flirting with this girl from his gaming group and he had invited her over to our apartment while I was at work with the hope he might get some physical attention (since I had not been in the mood recently). Now, I did not find this all out at once. Originally, he told me he had invited her over to end the flirting, wanting to do it in private so she wouldn't be embarrassed. Later, I got the truth out of him because I thought inviting her to the apartment was really weird just to turn her down.

    In the end, they didn't do anything. Despite the fact the girl was obviously interested in a relationship with him, he turned her down and has cut off all contact with her. He tells me that he wasn't thinking when he did all of it, and realized his mistake as soon as she showed up.

    I'm relieved he didn't go through with it, but what bothers me is he says that when he gets 'in the mood' it's like his head goes all foggy and he doesn't think logically. If my partner is not in the mood and I am, my reaction is to go take care of it myself....not seek out another partner, I don't care HOW turned on you are. We've talked about this numerous times and though he promises he wants to fix it and stay with me for good, he also says he can't guarantee something like that would never happen again because it's like he's not in control of it.

    So now, my heart and trust have been stomped all over, and I feel like I'm going to be paranoid about not providing sex enough for him. I'm in this crazy state of limbo not knowing what to do. Instinctively, I'd like to fix it, too, but when he doesn't seem to be able to control himself...even after 7 years...I find it difficult to want to re-commit.

    Is this a lost cause? Besides this one thing he's been an absolutely wonderful guy and I hate to condemn him for slipping up. But on the other hand, it's so hurtful to me that he was even considering doing it, and can't(won't?) promise that it won't happen again. What do I do?

  • The fact you supported him for two years suggests you're a ******** good GF. I lived with a girl for a year who earned nearly double what I did and I had to lend her money every month because she spent all of hers on herself.

    On one hand - inviting a girl to your apartment to reject her? - doesn't sound right to me AT ALL. He may well have had last minute jitters and backed out realizing what he's done, and at least he's admitted it, though saying he can't promise it won't happen sounds more dumb than honest IMO, but maybe he feels he needs to tell you the truth and that's what it is.

    Since you've spoken so highly of him as a partner here is what I suspect may have happened, and bare in mind men do need to feel wanted and attractive too:

    1) He loses his job - kick in the teeth to him;
    2) you support him - kind and loving but emasculating;
    3) emasculation enforced by the drop in his status, and shift in the dynamic of the relationship which causes a drop in your sex drive;
    4) he now feels like an unattractive emasculated loser;
    5) he gets a job and feels a lot better about himself;
    6) he gets some attention (probably caused by the spike in his confidence) and can't turn it down, he likely needs the external validation since he's felt emasculated and hasn't had much sex the last couple of years;
    7) he (hopefully) realizes what a stupid stunt he's pulled when this chick is in your house, realizes he doesn't need to go this far and kicks her out into the curb;
    8) he confesses to you and admits he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't be able to turn down a jump if he got the chance.

    Providing 7) is true, I'd say whilst 1)-6) are at least understandable the only one I'd have a problem with is 8), if he says he can't promise it won;t happen again and he's not in control, what's to say nothing happened during 7)?

    If this is his first proper relationship then he may just genuinely be a bit clueless because any man in his right mind trying to make a comeback from something like this would realize conceding to that is simply suicidal. On the other hand, if nothing happened he may just have been stroking his ego for the attention since he'd hardly had sex for two years. Anyone with a healthy libido will eventually cheat if they're deprive of sex for too long.
    "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

    Comment


    • Thanks so much for your response! It really helps to have a perspective from another guy!

      This is his first long-term relationship. He's never been with anyone as long as with me.

      I actually just clarified that one bit with him today, about not being able to promise it won't happen again. He says he actually meant that he can't guarantee we we won't have disagreements - and that he is DONE with the idea of straying. The whole situation has made him never want to experience it ever again.

      Everything you've listed here seems to match him to a T. He even told me before when it was taking so long to find a job that he was losing his confidence. I did my best to encourage him, but I know my lack of intimacy with him probably wasn't helping at all. It seems like we were dealing with some rather difficult circumstances despite all our best intentions. I felt overwhelmed and he felt down on himself.

      What you said about his boost in confidence makes sense, too. I did believe him when he said nothing happened, and since I had misunderstood what he meant about 'promising', then I guess there's no reason for me to really question it now.

      I do agree with your last sentence there, and I'm hoping it's something we can improve between us now that we know where all the problems are.

      Thank you again! This was very enlightening!

      Comment


      • No problem, sounds like your relationship is back to normal - congratulations.

        Us boyz r qite simplul reely!
        "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

        Comment


        • One thing I notice is your comment that you "haven't been in the mood recently". If I interpret this as you have been regularly turning him down for sex, that is going to significantly increase the chance of him straying. I'm not talking about what is "right" or "wrong", but just the reality that many people really need intimacy and that if they don't get it in their main relationship they will be very tempted to find it elsewhere.

          Comment


          • Why wouldn't a person, whether male or female, not have control of his or her actions just because they are horny? That is a poor excuse and I'd take it as a serious warning...he honestly may not be faithful to you. You need to weigh your options. Do you want to stick around but always have that worry in the back of your head if he's cheating and possibly find out he is some day? Or would you rather take a break to sort things out on your own and give him some space to figure out what he wants? I just think if someone truly loves you, it should be no problem to stay committed. If my fiance turns me down...oh darn, there's always next time. I don't get "foggy" and not be able to control myself. That's a poor excuse and he's trying to shift any responsibility off him if it does happen so he doesn't get the full blame. He is an adult...he makes decisions...NO EXCUSES.

            Comment


            • And I'm not saying that people can't make mistakes. Yes he made a mistake and he came clean, which is good...but he's implying he can't say he won't ever cheat. RED FLAG!

              Comment


              • I don't think anyone can ever give a guarantee they will never cheat can they? Never is a long, long time.

                It's funny I was thinking about this thread the other day actually; I thought the reason that the guy's story may actually warrant trust is because he was actually naive enough to admit that as well as being naive enough to admit he had the chick round. I see two possibilities: he's either highly manipulative and chose to admit a degree of his wrongdoing in the hope that partial upfront honesty would earn him sufficient trust to 'buy his way out'; or, he's simply quite naive and just came clean admitting everything. Based on what the OP has told us whilst the former story is certainly possible (because it's more likely what I would have done) I think the latter is more likely, since it's more congruent with what we know about the guy's personality. Who is dumb enough to invite a chick round to yours and your GF's place when she's just finishing work?

                Pre-meditated cheating would usually involve more carful planning than that. Spontaneous cheating would obviously have been possible but would likely have made the guy late and probably precipitated a change in his behavior/mannerisms which the OP would probably have picked up on, UNLESS he was an experienced and seasoned cheat of course, but the OP has no reason to believe that was the case.

                That was my take.
                "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

                Comment

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