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Stuck in a marriage!

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  • Stuck in a marriage!

    I don’t know how to deal with this awful situation I’m in anymore! I do love Colby, my husband. I adore him very much but, we’re having a horrible problem at the moment.

    I knew Colby hasn’t been happy in the marriage for a while. He works a very hard and demanding job out of the country, so when he’s gone, he’s usually gone for anywhere from few weeks to months. By the time he comes home, he usually is excited and wanted my attention.

    As much as I’d love to give him attention, it is just very difficult because I have to take care of the kids, the house, and my mom. So often by end of the day, I’m just totally beaten and don’t want to do anything besides having time to myself.
    Also ever since my mom moved in about a year ago, I’ve not been able to sleep well at all so I start to sleep in guest bedroom because Colby would try to snuggle with me or touch me whole time I’m sleeping and I don’t want that.

    I did feel really bad for him and would try everything I could to keep him happy when he’s home. I’d try to cook his favorite meals, tell him I love him, give him room to do what he wants as he is a very restless and active person, etc…

    Few days ago, I found out Colby was having an affair when he’s oversea. I was so upset and heart broke. I confronted him about this. He ended up blame it all on me and says he’s sick of me avoiding him and treats him like an unwanted stray animal and he’s done with trying to keep me happy all of the time for nothing. He says I better fix my act up because he’s fed up.

    I’m not even sure what to do any more. I do love Colby and our relationship used to be great and I really want to try work thing out. But at the same time, I honestly don’t know if I can even work this out because I’m so hurt and had my esteem destroyed by this affair.
    I even look into option of divorce, but even if I do that, I’m really scared I’d lose everything because Colby is the bread winner but he work oversea and have a bank account oversea along with tons of contacts.
    I think he just need to understand that I do love him but there are other people who really need me and I have to take care of them and that I’m really trying my best to be there for him and that just because I don’t want him to sleep by me or have sex it doesn’t mean I don’t love him.


  • Several Issues here .
    Also ever since my mom moved in about a year ago, I’ve not been able to sleep well at all so I start to sleep in guest bedroom because Colby would try to snuggle with me or touch me whole time I’m sleeping and I don’t want that.
    What is it about Mom moving in that makes you not Sleep Well ?

    As much as I’d love to give him attention, it is just very difficult because I have to take care of the kids, the house, and my mom. So often by end of the day, I’m just totally beaten and don’t want to do anything besides having time to myself.
    Is there any way Mom can help with the Kids, or is she an Invalid ?


    Few days ago, I found out Colby was having an affair when he’s oversea. I was so upset and heart broke. I confronted him about this. He ended up blame it all on me and says he’s sick of me avoiding him and treats him like an unwanted stray animal and he’s done with trying to keep me happy all of the time for nothing. He says I better fix my act up because he’s fed up.
    Two things here. You are Not being a Loving Wife in All Ways , when he is Home, he wants Attention, Loving, Love Making and you have somehow Pushed him Away, where he feels like he is just there ( when Home and Away ) for his Money .

    Not Excusing him here, but where is he supposed to The The Love ? Not just Sex, but Snuggling, Cuddling, Special Moments ?
    I can see how he may feel like a Stray Dog, someone takes in for awhile. feeds him, pets him a little then makes him sleep in the Dog House instead of a Cuddly, Warm Bed .


    I think he just need to understand that I do love him but there are other people who really need me and I have to take care of them and that I’m really trying my best to be there for him and that just because I don’t want him to sleep by me or have sex it doesn’t mean I don’t love him.
    He Cannot Understand that you Love him.. At least not as a Wife in love with him would do. Because you don't want to be Loving, You don't want to Hug, You don't want to spend just romantic Time with him.

    but there are other people who really need me
    He Needs You, but you only need him for a Paycheck, or so it seems. He was/ is wrong to have the Affair. He should get a legal Separation from you, still try to Support his Kids.

    You may Love him, but not as a Wife Does. To have and to Hold, is a Big Part of most Marriage Vows. To have what he can Make, yes, you have that .. To Hold him.. You are not into .

    Time to show him you do " Love " him . Let him go, let him have a Life and Woman that he can Hold in his Arms every Night .
    I even look into option of divorce, but even if I do that, I’m really scared I’d lose everything because Colby is the bread winner but he work oversea and have a bank account oversea along with tons of contacts
    You will not Lose Everything, You will have your Children, Your Mother and some sort of "settlement " or Continuing Care for your Kids.

    I'm sorry, but I usually say what I feel here. I usually support the Women, who are Cheated on. And I do Try and show the Women who cheat that they are Wrong .

    But, Here.. You are In the Wrong before he is in the Wrong. This is a Man, a Husband a Father. The Bread winner, the one gone for months at a Time, the one who Craves his Wife and Family when he is Home .. And you don't count him as " Ones that Need Me " ?

    He is the one who should ask for Divorce..


    Comment


    • Deleted.
      Last edited by mbradar2; 02-21-2015, 08:55 PM.

      Comment


      • Colby worked hard to provide for his family and it seems, even his mother-in-law. What has he got in return? His favorite meals, a woman that tells him she loves him and a room of his own. Hmm, that is what his mother did for him, and he probably liked what she cooked a little better. In that case, why stick around, why not just move back home to Mom? She probably doesn't want as much per month as it costs him now. And she probably wouldn't object for him having a lady love around once in a while.

        I think Colby probably had his self esteem destroyed first.

        Long distance relationships are hard to keep going. Loving contact has to be maintained. Then when the couple is together, they have to compress everything in a short time to catch up and have the memories that keep the relationship strong. Absent that, the couple grows apart. If you cannot change to put at least some of the elements of a marriage back in your marriage, it is time for both of you to go on your separate ways.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        ...
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

        Comment


        • I believe most of the time people cheat because they are looking for something their partner is not giving them. You were not giving your husband the love he needed, so he found someone else to give it to him. He did not break your heart first. You broke his heart long before. Don't get me wrong, I think it was wrong for him to cheat, but that is how some people deal with a gap that is not being filled in their hearts. Yes, it is a bad way to face it, but it happens. This marriage sounds like it was not meant to be. He works hard overseas, and when he comes home he only wants you. You only want yourself because you're too busy with your kids and mother. Saying "I love you" to him is not good enough for him because he doesn't feel like you do.
          jns is right about long distance relationships being hard to keep up. I was in one and it didn't work even though we chatted online everyday. It's the intimacy that is needed for a relationship to thrive.
          I suggest if you want this marriage to work you must forgive each other and either he gets a job where he does less traveling, or you go with him from time to time.

          Comment


          • Just to add: I found this post rather strange to read, I thought you were speaking about 'Colby' like he was a dog! Then I got to "he tries to snuggle and touch me",
            which made him sound even more 'dog like' then when I got to the part where you confronted him about the affair he says he's sick of being treated like a stray animal!

            There may be a possibility of repairing this and it sounds like this guy has treated you well in providing for you and your mother. Communication is key now if there is any chance of successful reconciliation.
            "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

            Comment


            • Ouch! Tough crowd around here. They're keeping it real, though.

              The cool thing about it is even though he cheated on you and you've cheated him out of affection, he still is willing to stick it out. I don't know if your title means you're stuck, he's stuck, or you're both stuck. But you probably need to figure it out quickly. It would be horrible to have his excitement to see you when he comes home turn into apathy. Do you want him? I've heard of marriages actually improving after infidelity if both people work really hard at it. I hope you can pull it out of the fire.

              Also, a lot of people don't necessarily want to have sex with their mates or don't necessarily want it every time their mate does, but they do it anyway for a number of reasons: They love them and want to show it, a sense of duty because they are married, it's an intrinsic act of marriage and creates a special bond. So, it's not just about what we feel like doing, it's about what's best for our marriages and our families.
              "Those sowing seed with tears
              Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Avatar Nirvana View Post
                I believe most of the time people cheat because they are looking for something their partner is not giving them..
                I don't believe this to be true "most" of the time. I believe people cheat most of the time because of their own issues, not because of what a partner is or is not giving them. Some people cheat "just because they can" and others cheat because they have a need to to feel the adrenalin of cheating and getting away with it, or because they need a constant feeling of being loved, or having the feeling of conquest, or rightousness etc. etc. Most times, it has little to do with what they are or are not getting from their partner.

                He decided to cheat, the onus is on him not her.

                This is not to say that she couldn't make herself more welcoming of him when he gets home from being away for a period of time. But then again, lets look at her responsibilities while he is away -- she does all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, appointments etc. for her and her children and her mother. I'm assuming this also means all the yard work, maintenance, banking, daycare, medical and dental appointments. Maybe she could use a break of just being on call for a working day instead of a 24 hour 7 day a week job that she seems to have at home. If her day started at 8 and ended at 5 perhaps she'd be fresher, clearer and have time for pursuits that please her as well. This just might include her husband.

                Perhaps he could make special efforts when he comes home. Take her out for an evening, to dinner a show and then home. Give her some special attention instead of being just another "needful" person in her household.

                I would blame him more than her, although this doesn't seem to be the popular position here.
                That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                Comment


                • I didn't actually take a stance as to whom I thought was deserving of blame here - because others had offered good advice and because I couldn't actually reach a conclusion myself I just made the observation I thought it was unusual the way she was referring to her husband.

                  I'm also reluctant to offer marriage advice since I've never been married nor been in a relationship which has lasted more than 3.5 years.

                  By contrasting Claret's advice with the rest I would imagine that by meeting each other half way, a conscious effort to would need to be made by each party to make a reconciliation possible.

                  OP, good luck x
                  "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

                  Comment


                  • IsaDa, it sounds like you are not IN love with your husband any more. You may care for him, but you are not IN love. That does not necessarily mean the marriage is over, but you both have a lot to work on. I would suggest marriage counselling. You need to start taking take of your husband (and not like a child, but as a lover/partner) and he needs to stop blaming you for his mistake.

                    Think about this. You have made time to take care of the kids, clean the house, take care of your mom, even cook a special meal. But you don't seem to have any time for hugging and kissing your husband! That probably requires the least amount of time. You need to re-evaluate your priorities. Do you really want to make this marriage work or are you only staying in it for the financial security?
                    Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                    Comment


                    • Sorry it took a while to get back to everyone. Things have just been really chaotic here lately.

                      I know things have been really hard on everybody. I understand I may push him away.
                      I may not be an angel but neither is Colby. He did do a lot of things that push me away over the years. When I was pregnant with my son, Colby was talking about going back to the army and flying helicopter for them again and I didn’t like the idea of this at all. Then 9/11 happened and that’s when I told him I will not stay with him if he goes back to the army.
                      At the time I also had a very good career and was trying to save up to buy a house. Colby on other hand was just more into having fun instead of being a dedicate family man. He was working a job that he find fun and it doesn’t pay that good at all. He doesn’t care much about house or anything, in fact he wasn’t exactly too thrilled by the idea of buying a house and wanted to rent an apartment instead. This just upset me. Colby was so stubborn about this that I end up have to buy a house myself!
                      Once I realize I cannot juggle my career and have kid. I told Colby that he would have to find another job that actually pays bills. What did he do? He went to a European friend he met when he was in Europe during his time in the army! He got this job he has now that just leads to numerous problems due to bad influence from those Europeans.

                      Because of the job, he now lives in Europe part time. This just creates a lot of strain between us.
                      The money is really good, but he just is horrible with it. The house and mortgage is in my name but it is Colby’s income that pays for it. Colby would pay bills and stuff then give me the money I need for family and stuff. Then he’d just blow everything on fun stuff. He never saved for anything useful such as new furniture, new cars, house upgrading, kid’s college, or anything like that. It is always for his new toys or travel or just to throw away having fun.
                      I used to love to go out and having fun with him, but ever since we had children, it just isn’t the same. Especially when I’m wondering what things will be like in long term? Colby doesn’t seem to care about retirement and says we have no obligation to save for our kids. He pretty much told me he gave me enough money to save if I want to, I can do whatever but to leave him alone about his!

                      Other thing is, Colby in early 40s and five years older than me but he still live like as if he’s in his twenties. When he’s home, he’s almost never here. He’s always out running around doing things like riding motorcycle, rock climbing, kayaking, and other things.
                      People keep telling us that Colby is aging very well and he still look so amazing that younger girls are even hitting on him. Then I found out he cheated on me with a 28 years old girl from Europe who is his copilot! This doesn’t do any good for my esteem! I just feel so old and unattractive.
                      Those are just few of reasons I don’t really enjoy going out with him much anymore.

                      Colby also have a major issue when my mom moved in. He was very against the idea in every way. In end I pretty much told him that I bought this house and that my mom need help and that I’m not going to put her in a place she doesn’t want to be in. This hurt my feeling a lot. I cannot believe he’d even have the nerve to try refusing to let my aging mom to move in.
                      On top of that, he’s not even close to the kids! He barely does anything with them. He pretty much pretends they don’t exist.

                      With how I feel about myself, how Colby feel toward the family, how Colby is handling life, and everything, it is just hard for me to be really happy about giving him what he need. He has to learn that his life cannot always be all about going out to have fun. He has to learn that there are people who rely on him and me and that we all have to work together as a team and family. He cannot just have everything his way and I cannot just drop everything for him.

                      Comment


                      • There are definitely some MAJOR communication and compromise issues going on in your marriage. From your description in your most recent post, it seems like you both pretty much just do whatever each of you see fit, and "too bad, so sad" to the opposing party... look at it: his job and outside activities, the house, your Mom.. I'm sure there are a hundred more. At what point did the two of you sit down, hash it out and come to a mutual agreement on any of those situations? This is what healthy relationships are all about.

                        I can definitely see why you're fed up and resentful. I can see why he probably feels the same. Question is, are you two willing to work it out? If so, a marriage counselor is a MUST. You need a neutral third party to help you work through the years of resentment. And I would say (although a counselor would have more wisdom that I), at least for the foreseeable future, your husband should find a job in the states, somewhat close to home, if you want a better change of saving your marriage.

                        If you don't want to save your marriage, if you're TOTALLY fed up, I would still suggest counseling, for you at least. Not because of any stigma that there's something "wrong" but because you need to work through these feelings productively, so you can have the best divorce and working relationship possible - for the sake of your son. Don't stay strictly because of the money. Plenty of women in this world are single moms with careers and happy, healthy children.

                        Comment


                        • At first I wanted to give my two cents, but I think everyone else does a good job of that on their own... But I'm going to anyways. Being a wife to someone who goes overseas a lot is a hard thing to handle, and I'm speaking from personal experience as a military wife. But you have to realize that while they are home you have to accommodate them back into your everyday schedule. Maybe while he's home he can help out a little and you can give him the affection he needs and craves. My husband used to be just like you, didn't want to cuddle or have sex, and our relationship was falling apart. But since he changed (on his own) it has become and amazing relationship. We were not in love when we got married, it was a convenience on his part (to get out of the barracks) and I knew I could never get a guy who looked that good again. But I did fall in love with him right before our wedding (about 2 - 3 weeks) and I could tell he didn't love me until about 8 months into the marriage. I think you have love for him but not in the way a wife really does. It's like with me and my ex, I have love for him and I will always worry about his well being but I don't need him in my life to be happy.


                          Me: 24 (25 in Nov) DH: 27 (28 in Jan)
                          MC 1: Found out Mar 1, 2011. Ended Mar 6, 2011.
                          MC 2: Found out Mar 24, 2012. Ended Mar 26, 2012.

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