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Hate it when my husband comes home drunk and wants sex

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  • Hate it when my husband comes home drunk and wants sex

    My husband has been going to a party with his peers almost every week. He always invites me to go with him but I don't drink and these parties are centered around drinking so I just sit in the corner, besides now I have a baby to take care of. I don't mind him going but he always wants sex when he gets home and this is usually very unpleasant for me. I never refuse him because I consider sex as one of my duties as his wife.

    I very seldom enjoy sex, even under the best of circumstances. I never get wet and have to use a lube. When he is drunk, he takes a long time to climax so I get dry and it starts to hurt. Last night was the worst, he went on for over half an hour and he never did climax. He went to sleep (or passed out) on top of me, he is a foot taller than me and weighs twice as much. I finally got him off me, cleaned him up and covered. I thought he would sleep through the night but he got sick and threw up in the bed. I didn't know what to do but he woke up and I got him in the shower and I cleaned up the mess.

    I haven't been able to get to sleep and I'm sore from the dry sex. I took a bath and it helped a little. When I dried off, I noticed I was bleeding but I think it stopped now. I've been using KY Ultra Gel, is there any lube that would last longer?

    Why do men get so libidinous when they are drinking? I get pleasure from pleasing him but when he is drunk I wonder if he even remembers having sex.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
    ― Bodhidharma

  • Honey if you don't wanted sex you tell him no and you stand your grounds and me and my man use wet lube it works great

    Comment


    • I know it could possibly kill the mood, but can you just use more when it starts to dry? Maybe change positions and put some on him in the process to make it fun?
      "Those sowing seed with tears
      Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

      Comment




      • Chaya, I am concerned as I'm sure many others are here .

        You are seeming to have a Rocky Marriage, from the beginning .

        Your Hubby is a Police Officer, he has taken an oath to Protect and Serve. He of all people knows what it's like to deal with a Drunk . I am worried that he may be one who needs to regroup and reaffirm his oath.
        I'm not saying that Cops don't deserve some relaxation, have a drink or two when at a party. But he above all should know the effects of Alcohol, he should have some control, show some " Leadership " by his actions.

        Is coming home Drunk once a week going to be what Misako has to get used to for the next 18 years ?
        How long will you allow this , even for yourself ?

        You say it's unpleasant , you say it's your " Duty ", you say you enjoy Pleasing him , but not when you bleed or it hurts you . In my opinion,and this may seem harsh to you .

        When he comes home Drunk and tries or does have sex with you, when you are not in the mood or even ready ( moisture wise ) for him, takes no time to pleasure you or get you in the mood or Wet enough to enjoy sex with him . He takes 1/2 hour, doesn't please himself or you and passes out .

        That is akin to a " Marital Rape ".
        Sure you are willing to please your Husband because that is your " DUTY ". But if he is not loving, trying to give and receive Love, enjoy that 1/2 hour together as quality time between you while your Daughter Sleeps . Then he is at least " Emotionally " raping you .
        You are putting yourself there for him to USE anytime and Anyway he wants , when he Chooses and How he Chooses .

        You have been married long enough that it's time to Stand up and Speak Up !!!
        You have a daughter to Raise, If you allow this for yourself you will be teaching Misako. it is OK for men to come home Drunk, use her sexually and then , maybe not remember ?

        If you do Not want this for your daughter, then you need to do something about it for yourself first !!!
        You need to talk to your Husband, get him to realize that your Daughter and His,needs Examples by the strengths of your Morals and Actions.

        I'm not saying how you were raised and how you believe is Wrong .. Not in any way . But You know Something is Wrong, when you are Unhappy in your Marriage . And you seem to be very unhappy so many times these past couple of years .
        It is Not your " Duty " to just take the Lot, to just accept bad Behavior or Treatment, It is not your " Duty " to give or accept sex from any Drunk man , Husband or Rapist or Stranger on the Street .

        Honey ,
        Old values are Great, but sometimes they are not so great, when you are in a Modern Society . You are in yourself, fighting the Old and the New and what you decide you will teach to Misako

        Right now, it seems you are struggling with the Old and New, I hope you will think of Both, take the Good from Both and try to have a Happy Life for you and your Daughter .
        But I'd start with your Marriage and happiness. It seems to me that he knows your " beliefs " and he is taking Advantage of them .
        It's time you show him different, That you, just like any person on the Street, Deserves Respect, That you deserve to be Treated Humanely, that just because he has the " Power " of being a " Cop ", does not mean he is in the Right to Control you .

        That when he comes home Drunk and wanting Sex, is Disrespectful and Intimidating and Not Enjoyable to you especially when it causes pain or bleeding .

        It's time to say NO !! Some of us know your History, This Time you can say NO !! This time you CAN avoid Abuse .











        Comment


        • Originally posted by Stillness View Post
          I know it could possibly kill the mood, but can you just use more when it starts to dry? Maybe change positions and put some on him in the process to make it fun?



          I seriously do Adore you Stillness and your attitude
          She changed Positions from under a passed out Drunk .. "
          And Puking might seem to " Spoil the Mood for Her and Him " ?

          You seem to try and succeed so well with your wife and have learned so much together

          And to Chaya,
          I just ranted to you from my feeling about when I was Raped and Forced .
          Add the relationships I've had . And my answer / Advise was from the Heart and Experience ..


          Drunk Man = NO SEX !!!

          RESPECTFUL SOBER MAN = All the Sex he needs, when Available ..

          Having a Half hour to get each other Wet and Successful in the " Sexual Making Love Department While Baby Sleeps"
          PRICELESS .


          Comment


          • When he comes home Drunk and tries or does have sex with you, when you are not in the mood or even ready ( moisture wise ) for him, takes no time to pleasure you or get you in the mood or Wet enough to enjoy sex with him . He takes 1/2 hour, doesn't please himself or you and passes out .
            I never get aroused and am never in the mood, I haven't been able to get wet for the last year. He knows this and it is a source of friction because he thinks I'm not attracted to him. I guess I'm not sexually attracted anymore but I do love him and try to please him in every way possible. I've tried everything to solve this, I went to doctors and even tried watching porn. He thinks it has something to my religion because it started soon after I went on a week long Buddhist retreat. I think it is related to my diabetes, I've been a type 1 diabetic for 18 years and I'm showing signs of complications. It is increasing hard for me to maintain acceptable blood glucose levels. I've been keeping them high to decrease chances of hypoglycemic events because of the baby. I worry I might have an event when I'm alone with her.

            This morning he said he was sorry for last night, I told him he hurt me and made me bleed. He promised to never do that again, but wouldn't promise to quit drinking. He said he was expected to socialize with his peers. They are having a party tonight (New Years Eve) and he wanted me to go. That is impossible because there is nobody to watch Misako. I told him it was ok for him to go alone. If he comes home drunk, I'll be sleeping in the guest room.
            [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
            Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
            ― Bodhidharma

            Comment


            • Chaya,

              Sorry to hear to you dealing with health complications.

              It's hard to be sexually attracted to a person who comes home drunk, hurts you during sex, and pukes in the bed. You're a better person than I am because the way I see it - if he is man enough to get drunk, then he should be man enough to clean up his own mess. Its one thing to clean up after a person if they are sick because of the flu, ect., but drunken sickness is another ball of wax as far as I'm concerned.

              He can socialize without getting inebriated to the point of sickness.

              From what you say, he asks you to go but he knows you are going to decline. Does he offer to hire a baby sitter? I know that you probably wouldn't consider that, I'm just curious as to how serious his offer is to take you with him and if it's for the convenience of a DD. Girl, if he gets sick tonight, I'd make him clean up behind himself. Hugs to you

              Comment


              • Diabetes can be a source of erectile dysfunction in men. It would make sense that it could have a similar effect on a woman. Blood pressure and cholesterol medication can also cause erectile dysfunction, at least in part.
                I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                ...
                Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                Comment


                • He knows this and it is a source of friction because he thinks I'm not attracted to him. I guess I'm not sexually attracted anymore but I do love him and try to please him in every way possible. I've tried everything to solve this, I went to doctors and even tried watching porn. He thinks it has something to my religion because it started soon after I went on a week long Buddhist retreat. I think it is related to my diabetes, I've been a type 1 diabetic for 18 years and I'm showing signs of complications. It is increasing hard for me to maintain acceptable blood glucose levels.
                  Chaya happy new year honey.

                  Look, men have "huge egos" sorry boys But, alot have great empathy he doesn't for what ever reason he feels that he can not make you orgasm, he is the reason you don't like sex and he can't fathom that so he blames religion..

                  So when drunk he probably has a slight anger about it all and so it begins.

                  We have suggested before that you sit down and talk to him, discuss things and it has somewhat worked.

                  I think you need to explain to him his actions when drunk your feelings, the feeling, give him a picture of it all. But, then I think you need to tell him you believe it's the diabetes and you are trying to find answers but he needs to have empathy and not think it's "all about him" because in reality in this situation it's all about you.

                  You are trying to please your husband, yet you are suffering.

                  Speak up as others have stated.

                  CW
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by chaya View Post
                    I never get aroused and am never in the mood, I haven't been able to get wet for the last year.
                    It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you or how you feel for him. Some women just cannot get wet as easily or often. Try using lubrication it really does work wonders.
                    love,
                    live life,
                    proceed,
                    progress

                    Comment


                    • Chaya, in all your posts that I have read, I see a constant theme. You are trying to work it out, make a change, find a solution, please your husband, etc. I also hear things like my husband does not believe in foreplay, he won't touch me down there, he doesn't masturbate. Do you see a theme of you always trying but him never really changing anything.

                      Sexual, health, emotional problems in a marriage is common. How we deal with them says a lot about the relationship. You cannot make a one sided relationship work. And you not standing up for yourself makes you an enabler of your husband's behavior. From everything you have said about him, I don't think he is a bad man. But if you list all the things he has done, he sounds like a terrible human being. Here are some of the stuff you have listed before. Look at them not as the wife of the man who does this stuff, but just read them and ask yourself if a good person would really do this stuff:

                      - Does not help with raising your child
                      - Knows that you do not get wet and sex is painful, but continues to demand sex without making any effort to arouse you
                      - Demands sex from you ever when your physician told you there was a problem and not to have sex
                      - Has rough drunk sex to the point of causing his partner to bleed
                      - Drinks so much and throws up in bed (unless you are an adolescent college student or an alcoholic, an adult should have the decency to control their drinking)
                      - After sex, lets his partner sit in the other room crying and does nothing to comfort her

                      There is nothing wrong with following traditional values of marriage and family. I applaud anybody who can do it in this modern age. It is a wonderful environment to raise children in. However, that does not mean your husband can do as he pleases. That is not traditional values. That is just selfishness. Traditional values also means that the husband will protect and ensure the happiness and safety of his family. A man who is so rough and callous during sex that it physicially causes his partner to bleed is not something who is following traditional family values. That gives traditional family values a bad name. The fact he just fell asleep/passed out on top of you is so disrespectful. Any caring man would be so ashamed of what he did, I doubt he would be able to have another drink in a really long time.

                      Its time you stand up for yourself and the traditional family. Don't let your husband take advantage of your desire to follow traditional family values and don't let him give all the men out there who do follow traditional family values a bad name. Next time he comes home drunk, he sleeps in the guest room. Not you. Next time he wants to have sex, he spends adequet time in forplay arousing you. Next time he refers to himself as a father, pass the baby along for a diaper change. Part of being a traditional wife if being the conscious of the family. Please don't enable his bad behavior. Don't let him become a selfish and uncaring person. Help him to be the good man that he was when you met him. If you read old books or watch old movies, you will always notice how the wife tries to control a husband bad behaviors. Because the idea is that the wife/mother keep the family on the right path. Its not just about doing whatever the husband asks for.
                      Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                      Comment


                      • I agree, even if a man and woman embrace traditional values, why would the man want to behave in a manner which is obviously detrimental to his family unit as a whole and clearly making his wife unhappy? Traditional/modern/new age, whichever doctrine you subscribe to should equate to you both being HAPPY.

                        Chaya, I get the impression from your posts that apart from being a very, very decent and loving person, you are also very meek and timid. This is not a bad thing in and of itself other than that it appears your kind nature is now being taken advantage of. The baby is your and your husbands, he needs to do at least some of the work in raising it, even if it's just to give you a break. Your body is YOURS, you do not owe him sex, ever. Sex is something the two of you share: sharing implies mutuality, mutuality means it should be mutually pleasurable, or at the very least bearable (we've all gone through the motions for our partners sakes before at least once) and NEVER painful.

                        As a man I wouldn't even want to have sex with a woman if I knew it would hurt her. Listen to SP, you need to gibe him a kick up the back side. As a woman, (whilst I do not advocate game playing you have a legitimate reason: pain) the first thing you should do if he's not making you happy is start withholding sex from him. Sex, like happiness, is, in a relationship something you share too: no fun, no 'us' and no 'we' as far as the happiness goes then no sex.

                        I was sick in my bed once when I was 19, this guy is an adult man: as a husband and father he needs to pull his socks up.
                        No matter how objective we try to be, we all see through our own eyes...

                        Comment


                        • I agree with what Harmony said, but I don't think "withholding" sex is quite the way to put it. Sex is something that should be mutually enjoyable, (except possibly for doing the occasional sexual "favor" for someone you love), and it its not then things need to change. You have got to talk to your husband, let him know what you would enjoy. If he love you, he will want to please you as well.

                          Comment


                          • I want to thank everyone that responded to this thread. These responses have showed me just how different I am from a typical American wife. Maybe you are right that my husband is taking advantage of me by your standards, this is not the case but not by mine. I made a commitment when I married him and I must meet it in my own way or I wouldn't be able to live myself.

                            I hope everyone understands that Misako is not our biological child, she is my young sisters baby. She made a mistake and was going to give the baby up for adoption. My older sister and mom came up with the plan for me to adopt the baby because I can not have children of my own. Me and my husband talked this over and together we decided to adopt her. Right now, I am Misako's legal guardian. Later me and my husband will be her adopted parents. During the last week, hubby has been helping more with her care. He can now fix her formula and feed her and even changed her diaper, once. He needs more practice before I'll let him do that alone.

                            About sex, he never "demands" sex. I know him and can tell when he wants/needs sex. He knows I must use lube. When the sex starts to hurt, I never tell him, I don't want to spoil it for him. He only knows what I tell him. I did told him about the bleeding but not about him passing out on top of me or throwing up in bed. He did find out because the dirty bedding was in the hamper and he promised it would never happen again. He hasn't taken a drink since that night. On New Years ever, he went to a party with his peers, he was home by 10:30 and hadn't been drinking. He made a fire in the fireplace and we watched New Year on TV together.

                            I believe I should take life's ups and downs without complaint but sometimes I get so down I can't help it. Because so many have offered advice makes me feel good that so many people care.
                            [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
                            Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
                            ― Bodhidharma

                            Comment


                            • Its great that he is becoming more involved with baby Misako. It also sounds like he may be changing a bit for the better. Best wishes.
                              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                              ...
                              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                              Comment

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