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He calls me a fat hog in front of our children.

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  • He calls me a fat hog in front of our children.

    My husband and I have been married for 19 years and have 4 children the youngest being 2. I have gained about 50 pounds in the past 5 years. I really don't know why so much, I don't eat horrible. Anyway, I digress, he calls me fat, pig, slob, fat ******, hog, etc. He cheated on me three years ago because he said I was fat and today he told me if I didn't lose wait he would do it again. I'm so stuck. I have no where to go. No job, no money, no help, nothing. my depression is threw the roof, I don't even leave my house anymore. I'm on anti depressants but I just don't see any change, even with trying different ones.
    I hate him with every fiber of my being. He tells me constantly that I'm embarrassing, gross, lazy and pathetic. If I fight back he becomes violent and breaks my stuff. It's ot even worth it. I know I'm not perfect, but I sure as he'll don't deserve this. He knows I have nothing so he can control everything.
    I cry every day, I hate my life. I know there is no answer I just needed to vent. Thanks.

  • Hi Cooks,

    Welcome to WH...

    There is always an answer, you just have to soul search to find it.

    No one deserves to be be-littled, put down, cursed at, live in fear, have things taken away from them.

    Worse, your children are subjected to watching all of this and one is only 2 years of age.. How will that affect that little being, as it matures...

    I am deeply sorry you are going through all of this and anti-depressants are known to put weight on.

    He sounds like scum really, a control freak who thinks he owns you.

    Sometimes, we do not know just how strong we really are, and I think it's time to find all of that strength and start finding a plan, to get out of this, for you and for your children...

    What about family?
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

    Comment


    • You are no different than a woman who is being hit every day. You are being abused, emotionally and verbally. Your husband is an abuser. And what does an abuser want more than ANYTHING? Control. He wants you to be beat down so low and so far that you will stay with him because you feel you have no other option. Isn't that where you are right now? THAT is exactly what he wants.

      This is so damaging. To you, to your health both mentally and physically. But to your children as well. They are little pieces of clay right now... learning, soaking up, being shaped into the people that they will be in this life. You simply cannot stay in this situation and let your kids grow up in that kind of environment. If you stay and you knowingly allow them to be subjected to that behavior, to some extent YOU are abusing THEM. No job, no money, no options........ then you have a fresh start. He will have to pay child support and likely alimony too. Get out, leave... find a temporary place to stay, get a job, see a lawyer and file for divorce. It won't be easy, but it is NOT impossible. You are NOT stuck. You are deflated, you are beaten down, you are tired....but you are NOT stuck.

      Do this for you. So that you can give those kids a chance in this world.
      "Be what you're looking for."

      Comment


      • You were good enough for him to make 4 babies with. He sounds like a pathetic jerk (sorry if that offends you). But calling someone names because that have gained some weight is ridiculous. I'm not saying that as women, we should use bearing children as an excuse for weight gain, but woman's body goes through a lot of hormonal changes and it's not the easiest thing in the world to drop off the excess pounds. Women in the real world can not afford to have professional trainers and chefs so that their body returns to pre-pregnancy weight like actresses on television.

        Can you squirrel back some money to get yourself some help? Have you considered looking into legal aid?

        BD points out a very compelling reason for looking objectively at your situation. Children soak everything up like a sponge. Do you want them to think it's okay to emotionally abuse you, and go into rages breaking things. Abusive people tend to go a little farther with their rage when their current fits seem to no longer get their point across. The next step may be him hitting you or the children. You are not living in a healthy environment and need to seek avenues to remove yourself and the children from this situation.

        Vent away, but also look into steps you can take to change your situation. Best of luck!

        Comment


        • IMO - Yours is a classic example of someone being abused...emotionally and verbally thus far...

          You seem to believe that you have little or nothing. I, a perfect stranger, have to disagree because what you do have is choice... The most impactful and powerful choice that you have is whether or not you should stay in this 'relationship' and continue to subject you and your children to abuse that takes place.

          Frankly, I think the answer is clear, and you know it.

          I applaud you for finding, then reaching out to this forum. It is loaded with caring, concerned and kind people many of whom have been through or close to, what you're facing and/or going through (both men and women) and also may have been your first step...

          As for everything else, you have family, friends, faith based organizations, shelters, neighbors, etc. to help you. All you have to do is ask.

          I imagine that you are probably feeling a bit overwhelmed, perhaps your head is even spinning, when you consider all that lies before you... Take a deep breath...and one step at a time.

          Research has shown that children woud rather come from a broken home...then live in one.

          I carried a small picture of my children in my pocket through the hours, days, weeks, months and years that it took me to realize, admit, face, decide and deal with the most difficult decision of my life...ending my marriage. Keep your "eyes on the prize" of doing what's best for your children, reach out to family, friends and others for help and have trust and faith that there is something better out there for you and for them...because there is.

          Stay in touch. Comeback often. Let us know how you are. Know that we will help however we can.

          Comment


          • Bless your heart! Your defiantly being verbally and emotionally abused :/

            Do you have family that could help?
            If you don't support our troops, feel free to stand in front of them!

            Comment


            • No one has a right to put you down, especially the person that stood up and said they would love you forever no matter what. Pull yourself together, tell him to go pound salt and do whatever you need to to make yourself happy. Then go find someone that appreciates you for you. If he already cheated he isn't worth much anyway.

              Comment


              • I think you have the emotional equivalent of battered wife syndrome, where you start to believe that what he's saying is true.

                I can only echo the advice already given since there is no more to add really. Since always women have a myriad of reasons acting as a bulwark which prevents (or make it very difficult to) leave a man I would just ask your self one, simple question: Is this the life you want for yourself and you children? Surely anywhere would be better than this environment? This douche-bag is serving as an awful role model for his children and utterly failing you as a partner.

                I would start exploring any and all options available to you to make a swift, one way exit, life is too short for all this and your children only get one childhood, this isn't a dress rehearsal.
                No matter how objective we try to be, we all see through our own eyes...

                Comment


                • He is bi polar. I forgot to mention that. That is a huge reason why I stay. Let me explain; he has his normal nice self and then he just turns into the devil for no reason and without warning. We have no relationship due to his abusive outbursts, but I keep hoping he will get help and things will change.
                  At this point I feel like room mates is better than leaving and uprooting the children. If we are room mates we sleep in separate rooms, share the responsibilities, and expect nothing from one another. I'm going to try that first. Our house is large enough that we can pretty much stay out of each others way.

                  Comment


                  • Also, he definitely has PTSD. His mother died in his arms at the age of 12. His life has been full of difficulties.

                    Comment


                    • Being the child of a mentally ill parent is harrowing, and depending on how he treats your kids, you might be setting them up for a life just as full of difficulties as your husband's was. You're their only sane parent. You've got to protect them.

                      I beg of you to really look with clear eyes at how your husband's behavior is affecting your children. How much they know and understand - have they been blatantly told your husband has a mental illness? Do they know that his unpredictability is NOT normal? Do they know it's NOT okay for him to belittle your appearance? Even if he never turns his anger towards them, if somebody doesn't step up and plainly say "this isn't normal, this is not okay," they can be very negatively impacted by the household dynamic at work here.

                      If you can't yet get out, for whatever reason, ensure that your children have another male role model - one without untreated mental illnesses, one who is responsible for his own actions - as soon as possible. Get them into counseling if you can.
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                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Cooks View Post
                        Also, he definitely has PTSD. His mother died in his arms at the age of 12. His life has been full of difficulties.
                        You can have empathy for someone's pain, but it doesn't mean that you have to bear the the brunt of his anger. Why should you be punished for something that you weren't even a part of? There are many people with horrific trauma histories, but they don't go on and continue to abuse their partners.

                        I agree with everyone else in this thread, but I know that some abused women feel overwhelmed with people telling them to leave. Leaving isn't easy, especially when your mental state is beaten down and you feel helpless. You may also be fearful about what's going to happen. Can I survive on my own? Are bad things going to happen to me at a shelter? Will my kids be angry at me? The best that I can say is that these are simply feelings and it doesn't mean that you have to be chained to your situation. There are a lot of options out there, if you choose to pursue them and overcome your fears.

                        I'm also concerned about him becoming violent and throwing stuff, which isn't safe for your kids. I hope you and your family find a way to be in a better situation.
                        "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                        Comment


                        • I was a case manager for several years. Even with people who had dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities), we always hold mental health patients responsible for their own actions. Your alternate personality committed a crime? It was still you. You did something despicable to your wife while you were manic? It was still you. You are doing nothing therapeutic or helpful to him AT ALL by forgiving bad behavior because of a mental health issue. I know this is very hard to accept. You want to forgive, to accept, to let be; but the truth is, all that will do is reinforce maladaptive behavior.

                          You must hold him accountable, especially if there is a mental health issue involved. Be compassionate, yes, but there is no one who can account for himself but him--even if, especially if, his mental health is in question. Never forget that.

                          Also seek counseling. I'm not by any means a professional. A relationship with someone with a mood disorder is very tricky. Professional help could be very beneficial.

                          Comment


                          • I guess I'm a little confused maybe even guilty. He says I'm not a wife, that he desires me to be thin and I do not care to give that to him so I fail at my wifely duties. He says I should care to give him what he wants and because I don't I've in turn ruined our marriage. I guess in a way he is right, I know that doesn't deserve abuse but I have failed to be desirable to my husband. I'm just so confused.

                            Comment


                            • Bi-polar...excuse. PTSD...another excuse. He can get treatment for both of those and I have NEVER heard from anyone or anything that abuse of a spouse is a side effect or an acceptable behavior when dealing with either of these conditions. So HE needs to get help, medical, psychological, both or otherwise to deal with these issues and not continue to allow them to be used as excuses.

                              The rest of the stuff you have shared - IMO sounds like classic abuse behavoir that is ongoing and never ending. He takes the spotlight off of himslef and blames you. Phooey!

                              Without getting all spiritual on you/him, I can think of about ten versus in the Bible where it talks about the husband loving his wife like Jesus loved the church...

                              He is continuing to brow beat you into submission in order to take the focus off of him, his insecurities, his immaturities and other inappropriate behaviors in order to justify his actions.

                              This is a HIM problem much more than it is a YOU problem. How you choose to deal with it is something different altogether.

                              Comment

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