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Should I get a divorce?

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  • Should I get a divorce?

    I know that nobody can REALLY answer this question for me, but I need to hear some advice and to know if I'm overreacting.
    This is a really long story but please please read. I need help!
    My husband and I have known each other for 5 years, been married for 5 1/2 months. The first few years of our relationship were a nightmare. Basically, we met while playing an online video game together and we lived on opposite ends of the country. I was 16, he was 17. We started to talk to each other and connected right away, but at first we were just close friends. He would tell me about parties he went to, what sexual things he would do with girls, how he would drink, how he was getting his drivers license, etc. I believed all of his stories and when we started to fall for each other, the stories stopped and we started to talk about meeting each other in real life, and then started arguing. About anything and everything! He told me it was because his family life was getting to him, his parents arguing, his mom yelling, and he blamed himself for not being able to save his grandfather from a massive heart attack when he was 14 years old. He promised everything would change when he moved out of his parents house and I believed him. His "past" with the girls didn't bother me, because he stopped doing those things once we started to get kind of serious. After about a year and a half of talking through the internet, phone, and webcam, I was actually able to convince my parents to let him move into my house - they figured it was better for me to meet him than to waste my time talking to him online and have hope for something that might never be. So he moved in with me, we spent the summer arguing and crying and we never saw eye to eye. He would pick fights with me over nothing whatsoever to the point where I was scared to ask him if he wanted me to make him some food because he might yell at me, which happened. Then he admitted that everything I knew about him and all of the stories he would tell me were all a lie. He had never even held hands with a girl, never done drivers ed, doesn't have his license and spent ALL his time playing video games. This was the straw that broke the camels back, I didn't even know him! I got so tired of it and I was so miserable that I told him to leave. On his way out he stole my xbox and blocked my number. I thought this was where it would end.
    Then he started to talk to me and apologize but I would soon realize that he hadn't changed, we would stop talking again, and then start again. This went on for about 6 months. Finally, the turning point of it all was when we were arguing over the phone, he called me a crazy b---- and said he never wanted to talk to me again. My response was "ok" and I hung up the phone. I didn't hear from for about a month and I received a long apologetic letter on facebook. He said that he wanted me in his life, even if just as a friend - he wanted to own up for everything he had done wrong and the way he had treated me - he wanted to actually talk through our problems. So I fell back into the trap, but this time he really was a changed man - we talked, we worked through it, and it got really serious again, we still argued but it wasn't endless and for no reason, it was about actual problems that would then get resolved, we had a great relationship! This went on for a year and he back in with me again. He proposed to me a week later and we started planning the wedding and got married about 13 months later, but how he's hurt me in the past is still so real. When he moved here again, we started going to a vocational school together, I dropped my classes in college to do it with him. After school, I got a job and worked for 5 months while he sat at home and each day that I would come home I house would be a bigger mess than I left it. He wouldn't lift a finger to help me while I was gone and I would come home after standing on my feet all day and have to do wash dishes and pick up after him. Then I quit my job and my dad offered him a job so we switched roles and I was happy for the time being. BUT he still gets angry for no reason and he is NEVER affectionate. We are only 21 and 22 and he can go 2 weeks without having sex with me if I don't initiate it. It seems like I always have initiate sex if I want it, he never kisses me, rarely hugs me and it's as though we are roommates. He is such a good man with a good heart, he owned up to all of his mistakes and overall is very nice to me, but we still have so much tension in our relationship - sometimes I feel like we don't have a relationship at all. I sit up at night and I cry because I can't bare to live like this. I am only 21 and I can't do this for the rest of my life, and it doesn't seem like things are getting better. I always talk to him about how I am feeling and he says that the reason he isn't affectionate is because his parents never were and this is his comfort zone, then I ask him if he wants us to be like his parents and his answer is "no" and he says he will work to change it, but as much as we talk about these things and as much as he says he will change, nothing changes for longer than a couple of days. It also seems to be getting worse ever since his mother got sick. He has a very short temper and when I talk to him or ask him for something he will usually respond with an angry tone of voice, when I ask him why he's angry he says he is not. It's not just in my head, either, because he has used that tone in front of my friends or my mother and they even pointed it out to me asking me why he is so upset and he doesn't know why himself! He says he resents his mother and I think some of his anger stems from that, but I don't deserve for him to let all of that anger out on me! He always has a different excuse and he doesn't understand that sometimes he doesn't need to yell at me or say "what the F---!" to get his point across. I feel like we're always butting heads. A relationship is supposed to be two people who are working together, not against each other!
    I can go on and on about this. I don't know what to do anymore, I love him and I'm so used to having him around that I don't know what I would do without him. I am always hoping that things will get better but they never do. Please, I need some advice!

  • I would put it in a very simple way: You have known, and been close to this man for something like 5 years now. He makes you unhappy and that isn't likely to change. Why spend the rest of your life like this?

    This sounds like your only serious relationship (maybe I'm wrong), so you don't know first hand how happy life can be with someone you love and who loves you. You are young and have plenty of time to find the right person.

    When you leave, you don't need to blame him, or make it his fault. It truly doesn't matter. What matters is that you find someone who will make your life happy. He may even find someone who is happier with him.

    Comment


    • He has a very short temper and when I talk to him or ask him for something he will usually respond with an angry tone of voice, when I ask him why he's angry he says he is not. It's not just in my head, either, because he has used that tone in front of my friends or my mother and they even pointed it out to me asking me why he is so upset and he doesn't know why himself! He says he resents his mother and I think some of his anger stems from that, but I don't deserve for him to let all of that anger out on me! He always has a different excuse and he doesn't understand that sometimes he doesn't need to yell at me or say "what the F---!" to get his point across. I feel like we're always butting heads.
      There are many people who come from disfunctional families, but every individual makes the choice to follow in those same footsteps or learn from what they have experienced and decide to become better people. Taking his anger and agression out on another person is not only unfair, but mean. He has a problem and doesn't accept responsibility for his actions. Instead, he chooses to blame things on his mother. How much longer before he starts blaming his short comings on you??

      You have been with this guy since you were 16, so realistically, you haven't dated other people very much, if at all. I agree with rc, you are much too young to feel like you must live your life this way.

      I can go on and on about this. I don't know what to do anymore, I love him and I'm so used to having him around that I don't know what I would do without him. I am always hoping that things will get better but they never do.
      We have a tendency to get in our comfort zone and stepping outside of that box is scary. But keep in mind that you will never know until you work up the courage to make a change. You know that you are unhappy in your existing relationship. What will you do? Hopefully find someone who appreciates you and wants to make you happy, spend quality time with you, and show you some affection. Don't settle for less than you deserve

      Comment


      • Life it is not supposed to be like this. Usually when you are too close to a problem it is hard to see how big and real it is. If somebody constantly hurts you and makes you unhappy or frustrated, you are wasting your time and losing the best years of your life. You won't be 21 again!
        Enjoy life, travel, have fun and use this experience as an example to measure up. You will find another person that respects and loves you enough to make you happy. Be brave girl!

        Comment


        • I'm so sorry. I know I'm only 18 but i guess i can try and help idk. I just hate seeing people suffer so much especially with relationships. personally I'm against divorce so I'm not going to recommend it. He sounds a lot like my dad; always angry and po'd at something or someone. It was really really bad when i was younger my mom almost left him. When we found out his thyroid was unbalanced and we got him med treatment it helped a lot. idk try getting thyroid checked maybe worth a shot? .........He sounds like a really broken person. was in very horrible life as kid from how it sounds. He didn't recieve that love he should have from people who should have given it to him. I don't know if it will but to me it'd make sense to keep showing him you love him. n if he was willing to change after he realized fully what he did wrong the last time..... maybe once he fully realizes how hes affecting you he'll change. I know its a long term type of thing and would mean putting up with his ridiculous temper longer. but i think if you just show him your love for him maybe he'll start to heal. I'm just saying it cause worked for friend/x bf of mine who was same way. broken n didn't know how to express himself n didn't show affection at all. drove me nuts. hated it. argued a lot to. i just kept showing him i loved him and cared about him even though i could not stand it his temper and how horrible at being open with me he was. even he can tell you i was really freakin annoyed. It took about two years and now he is a hell of a lot better at express himself to me. at least in person. still not good at being open with me over email but...its improvement. he just needed someone who was there for him n i had to earn his trust and prove it to him that i cared n ment it..... Idk maybe my personal experience will help you. I wish the best for you and send many hugs (if thats ok).

          Comment

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