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  • What's going on?

    Hello, Everyone! I am new to this site and I came here for other reasons but stumbled upon this forum. I'm very glad I did because I have some questions to ask but I don't have anyone to ask that will have an objective view. I want to thank you all, in advance, for your input.

    Ok...here goes. I am in a "new" relationship with a man that I have come to love very much. (He says he loves me, too.) A few things have thrown up red flags for me, though. I am a 42 year old woman (he is 42 also) that has a strangely high sex drive. I want to have sex all the time with the man that I love. I want to cuddle, hold hands, kiss, etc. I want to shower with him and when we do have sex, I'd like to lay in bed with him, with our naked bodies touching, and maybe fall asleep. I want to go into the bathroom while he is showering and I want him to do the same. I want him to undress in front of me and I want to do the same. It just seems natural to me that we do things like this. Isn't that what people do that live together, that plan on spending their lives together?

    We have sex only a few times a month, which is very disappointing because I want it at least a few times a week...or every other night. I NEVER see him undress fully and we have NEVER showered together. I have never seen him fully naked, other than in the "doggie-style" position, in total darkness. As soon as we are done, when we do have sex, he tells me to go to the bathroom so that we can go outside and smoke, (we smoke outside, and always after sex). He never wants to just lay in bed and snuggle or talk.

    I've asked him to shower with me and for me to shower with him. He sometimes says, "OK", reluctantly. Other times he says, "My bathroom time is my private time." I've asked him to keep the light on when we have sex, he always says, "Next time." When we have sex, I like to be in the missionary position, but rarely am. Maybe three times all together. Usually we are in "doggie-style"(96%) or I'm on top (3.5%). I feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled with our sex life, even though he is an amazing lover. I just can't get it across to him that we need to have variety in our sex-lives.

    I know that he works hard, but so do I. I tell him all the time that its very unusual that a woman my age wants to have sex that much, but its because I just want to be close with him. I feel like he's hiding behind excuses and his sense of humor, (he holds off my affection by being "funny" or "joking". There is something he is not telling me. He wants to marry me and has set a date for May 11th of this year. I want to spend my life with him too, but I don't want to get married with this going on. I feel like I am standing outside the walls that he has built. I tell him when we have this discussion that I want to be inside. He just looks at me like he doesn't know what I'm talking about, then he'll change the subject. I want to get this out in the open but I don't know how to approach these subjects now, since they are touchy subjects, at this point because I have tried to get him to talk about it too much. But I'm not satisfied with what I know, which is close to nothing. We aren't close, we have a very strange relationship. There is a reason he doesn't want me to see him naked or shower with me, or have sex with the lights on. I mean, I'm not "ugly" or overweight. He isn't either. I'm attracted to him and he says he thinks I'm beautiful. I just need some help with this. I want to spend my life with him, I want to marry him. I just want to know what's going on and I don't want to get married with things like they are.

    Am I being overly suspicious? It's causing trust issues with me...he totally trusts me....blah......HELP!

  • I stopped reading when I got to "I feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled with our sex life". You need to have a conversation with him about this...tonight. Do not allow him to put off...leaving the lights on, etc. for one more day.

    "even though he is an amazing lover." It's hard for me to imagine being dissatisfied and unfulfilled with an amazing lover. So stop trying to convince yourself that he is...he isn't...you know it. Now talk with him about it.

    "There is something he is not telling me" RED FLAG!

    "He wants to marry me and has set a date for May 11th of this year. " You're kidding, right? The two of you, grown mature adults, can't even talk about things, serious things, without him "joking" about it? Really? And you're going to make it forever in a couple of months?

    I'd put the brakes on getting married...big time...until you are able to talk about anything and everything openly and honestly. Frankly, I don't think you're even close...

    "We aren't close, we have a very strange relationship" One that appears to be based only on mediocre sex?

    "There is a reason he doesn't want me to see him naked or shower with me, or have sex with the lights on." Have you asked? What does he say?

    Men who make jokes or change the subject quickly are generally uncomfortable and/or insecure about the subject matter attempting to be discussed, so they quickly redirect the conversation using one of these methods.

    While the information you have provided is pretty limited and that makes it difficult to get a full picture of what's really going on, there are enough "quotes of concern" for me to suggest that you not go any further forward until you can work through these various issues/points/topics to the point that you're comfortable and satisfied.

    I don't know how or where trust has entered into the mix. Seems like you just added it to your post at the last minute. If you believe/feel/think that he has not been completely honest with you or is keeping something from you, then that's a different conversation altogether...with your friends here and with him.

    To me, honesty, trust and committment are the basic foundation of any relationship between partners.

    Perhaps it's time you went back and reviewed the foundation of your relationship to make sure that you have all three of these before you do anything else. If you do...great! If you don't, then I believe they need to be addressed one by one before anything else will be able to be resolved.

    Do not allow him to change the subject or make jokes because your concerns aren't "funny". This is serious stuff to you...therefore it should be serious to him.

    One more thing about men... We need to have you put the dots real close together in order for us to see a line.

    FYI - Having a high sex drive is neither "strange" or unusual as there are many women in here who do also.

    Welcome to the forum! It's a great place to "converse" with a diverse group of caring individuals, both men (like me) and women, in complete anonymity with wonderful moderators who do a great job of keeping things running smoothly.


    • S_A,
      You're right. I have left out some of the details of my circumstances for fear I'd bore the reader. And you've made so many points clearer to me. I know there are some things missing in the foundation of our relationship. I also know that he has some insecurity issues and that's giving me a complex. I am usually a self confident person, but I find in the months leading up to now that my confidence is not what it used to be. I know I need to talk to him, and trust me, I want to get to the bottom of it. I am putting off the wedding until I am satisfied with the answers to my questions. It's definitely time to get to the bottom of it, once and for all. Wish me luck!


      • I have a question what do you mean your not close? I don't understand that if your not close why would you be thinking about marriage I feel like there is too much of this story that is missing..
        Also why is there trust issues ? you never clarified that


        • The man is not comfortable with physical or emotional intimacy. It feels too vulnerable and unsafe.

          Think of him as a man inside the castle walls. All of your attempts to get into his castle feel like attacks and will result in him reinforcing the walls. The goal is to get him to risk taking the bricks down himself. You do that by inviting him outside the walls and letting him come out WITHOUT coercion and WITHOUT punishment if he chooses to decline the invitation.

          You can complain all you want and talk him to death, but only some professional help and/or a safe, long-term relationship is going to result in real change. He needs to experience real intimacy in a "safe" place with a "safe" person to even understand what you are trying to get him to do.


          • Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.

            So good preparation and opportunity to you Sufferingtoo!!


            • His ways are set. Your desires are clear. There is no intersection. There are plenty of potential partners who could fulfill your desires. Can you continue like this?
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


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