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Amazing husband but sooo frustrated!!

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  • Amazing husband but sooo frustrated!!

    My husband and I have only been married 1 week - we waited until marriage to be completely intimate, although we'd definitely "fooled around" before that. Then the big surprise, on our wedding night, he couldn't even get hard He decided it was "performance anxiety" even though I told him I had no expectations other than for us to enjoy one another. All weekend in fact. He finally got randomly hard Monday morning and I was able to get on him for just a couple minutes before he went flaccid again. Same thing this morning before work - we were able to be "together" a few short minutes and then he wasn't hard enough anymore.

    He is convinced it's just stress and exhaustion - probably true given his job has been crazy and we're working on orchestrating a move overseas with the military in a few weeks. But honestly the LAST thing I expected us to have any problems with was having sex!! We're both highly driven in that way - but I'm guessing now maybe I am more so. He is really sweet to me, wants to take care of me, promises it'll all be okay - I do believe him, I'm just struggling with why this is a problem right now when we're first married and finally able to relax and have freedom.

    Anyway, I'm really, really frustrated, but I can't let him know anymore because it only adds to his stress and would make it less likely for us to finally be able to completely be together - long enough to make it count.

    He decided last night we should keep fooling around and just see what happened - I guess he was sorta craving it, so we did, and he desired I make him come with my hand - which I did, but he didn't even get totally hard before he came by my manual stimulation.

    I'm just soooooo frustrated because I want to have sex with my husband - I've waited my WHOLE LIFE for this!!! And now it's just not even happening. I know I should be patient but it is so difficult. Plus we have only a short time because he's going overseas in a couple weeks and I won't get to see him again for a few weeks. Plus I'm going to do natural birth control and so the days when we can completely relax with regard to that are somewhat limited. This week and next week are safe, but not even knowing that is making it work He is 36 and never been married, but that shouldn't be old enough to have any problems I wouldn't think... =/

  • Just a thought but maybe tell him to satisfy "you" by oral or fingering and maybe seeing that he can please you will take the stress away.
    The way you put it, I don't think it's physical so relax and let him know he's the one you want no matter what.
    He'll get over it if you do.

    Comment


    • Thanks - I'm sure it will just take time I guess. He is willing to do that and has twice this week. He is the one I want no matter what - and we both definitely believe marriage is forever. I guess I just need to be more patient! It's just the last thing I expected to be a problem! Thank you for your reply

      Comment


      • Stress makes this worse, and the long build-up to this has probably increased the stress. He can probably also sense that you are disappointed and that will make it even worse (not blaming you, but he probably knows you well enough to recognize your unhappiness).

        I suggest that you enjoy all the other intimate things that you can do together. Find out what each other likes. Play to his fantasies and to yours. See if the problem just gets better in a few weeks. If it doesn't then you could consider medical help.

        Comment


        • Relax and have fun with adult play together. He could be seeing you as so perfect that he get's overly anxious because of it. Been there, done that.

          Your frustration adds to his anxiety. You think you're covering it up, but he still knows. Go into the adult play with genuinely no expectations.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

          Comment


          • I think it's the stress also. It is sometimes difficult to perform when you other things on your mind. I'm 49 and took some ED pills for the first time, they def. help but also has made me have more confidence in bed and not needing them all that much since.
            Get him relaxed and just play around in bed, sooner or later he wont keep his hands off you. He is also probably stressed when he gets in bed that it will happen again and that doesn't help. Maybe you have a friend that you could ask for a pill, it will get him there and poss. give him the confidence he needs.

            Comment


            • Hey Passionate, Congrats on your marriage and welcome to WH.

              I have the reverse problem that you and your man have. One thing that I notice that gives me more erections than I need is exercise - cardio and weights. I also exercise my PC muscle (the muscle that stretches across the pelvic floor, the exercises are called Kegel). It makes for more easily sustained erections and more intense sex and orgasms. It will also allow him to delay ejaculation. They're really good for both sexes.

              I was wondering if he was a virgin too. Maybe a lot of masturbation before you all married is making doing the actual deed difficult? Just a thought. Did he have problems with erections when you all fooled around before marriage?
              "Those sowing seed with tears
              Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

              Comment


              • Thanks for the suggestion - he is a big fan of exercising - we've both just been so slammed lately, but I know it's important to him and he just mentioned again last night that he really needs to work out tomorrow. He'll definitely be doing that again as soon as we have time to breathe! I'll have to share the info about the kegel exercises too - for the both of us! It's always good to learn things that can make it better!

                He was not a virgin, but had been saving himself for marriage since undergrad school, so for many years just masturbating on his own. I think that does play a role because he said intercourse actually feels completely different and that he doesn't feel it nearly as much as stroking or as he'd expected to. It'll take some adjusting I know now.

                We have had two quick successes though since I first posted this! They were both first thing in the morning and fairly short, but good to me for starting out! I guess morning may end up being best for him, before he has the stresses of the day piled on at work and with just stuff going on. It's a learning process - I know we're making progress though. Thanks for your insight!

                Originally posted by Stillness View Post
                Hey Passionate, Congrats on your marriage and welcome to WH.

                I have the reverse problem that you and your man have. One thing that I notice that gives me more erections than I need is exercise - cardio and weights. I also exercise my PC muscle (the muscle that stretches across the pelvic floor, the exercises are called Kegel). It makes for more easily sustained erections and more intense sex and orgasms. It will also allow him to delay ejaculation. They're really good for both sexes.

                I was wondering if he was a virgin too. Maybe a lot of masturbation before you all married is making doing the actual deed difficult? Just a thought. Did he have problems with erections when you all fooled around before marriage?

                Comment


                • Good for you! keeping loving each other and everything's gonna get better I'm sure.
                  You're in for quite an adventure.

                  Comment


                  • Mornings are when a man's testosterone levels are highest, that is why most men are ready to perform in the morning. Its usually the body deciding its ready regardless of what the mind says, that is probably why the stress and anxiety is not getting to him in the mornings.

                    Also, ask him to stop masturbating, both alone and with you. If he is getting release in other ways, he may not be so turned on by the thought of intercourse after not having it so many years. Remember, even though he is not a virgin, its like having sex for the first time for him. When a man first starts having sex, 1-2 minutes is a normal length. He will slowly build up stamina with more experience.

                    When he does go soft in the middle of your intimate time, you can always try to give him oral to stimulate him. This is actually a very common occurance, happens to all men at some point. Just don't make it a big deal and keep going with other stuff. Try to take the pressure off. Set up some intimate time and promise that you will not have intercourse but will do other stuff. No oral or hand stimulation. Just touch, kissing, caressing, etc. The next day, take it one step further (but again, agree to no intercourse). Add manual stimulation, but not to the point of orgams. The next day, maybe add oral. This helps you enjoy the intimacy without the pressure of intercourse. At the same time it builds a lot of sexual tension (due to the lack of orgasm). Hopefully by the end you two can enjoy a hot and streamy session.
                    Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                    Comment


                    • As somebody else mentioned, tesosterone levels are high in the morning. The fact that he's only able to get hard at this time suggests to me that his HPTA (hypothalamic-pituitary-testicular-axis basically the link between the brain and the balls) is depressed, probably due to the stress and exhaustion.

                      He needs some rest and relaxation I think before he will be able to function properly. It's really not that uncommon and reassuring him of this will help.

                      Also he may want to get his testosterone levels checked. Male hypogonadism is becoming more and more prevalent these days. I know guys as young as 21 who are on doctor-prescribed testosterone replacement therapy.

                      Lots of men have success at raising their test levels with 25-50mg of clomid every day, but of course I am not recommending that, merely pointing out that you don't have to take actual testosterone injections, IF you have low testosterone levels.

                      If it really is just 'performance anxiety' my personal approach would be to get some 50mg viagra tabs. Once he's given you a good seeing to a few times I would bet his anxiety will diminish. Again, I'm not making that a recommendation, just telling you what I would (and have) do/done.

                      Alex

                      Comment


                      • Hello OP,
                        I hope things are working out for you two, and congratulations on you new marriage!

                        I'm not sure if you're still physically together, or if your husband has re-located or been deployed without you, but I hope you will enjoy time together sooner than later

                        I don't believe stress is the problem. Masturbation is the problem. He's 36. He's been living on a steady diet of masturbation. His hand is tighter than you are. The symptoms you describe, from someone you illustrate as sexually interested is exactly what hundreds of thousands of sexually interested guys are experiencing - desensitized arousal from too much masturbation and/or porn.

                        The good news is that the longer he's Not Masturbating, or even touching himself (or viewing porn, if he was/is), the more responsive his body and mind will be to you and your body. But only if he stops touching himself!!!!! (did you see those exclamation points? That means this is critical information - this problem won't go away until he stops touching himself.)

                        His sexual arousal is now your domain. He doesn't get to play around there any more

                        Trust me, or (Please) look it up yourself - the info is all over the internet if you search. Many first hand experiences, described almost exactly like your husband's case (likes sex, likes you, excited to be with you. can't get hard, can't stay hard with you, but can stay hard with masturbation and/or porn).

                        Best Wishes,
                        Sunlight

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Passionate View Post
                          My husband and I have only been married 1 week - we waited until marriage to be completely intimate, although we'd definitely "fooled around" before that. Then the big surprise, on our wedding night, he couldn't even get hard He decided it was "performance anxiety" even though I told him I had no expectations other than for us to enjoy one another. All weekend in fact. He finally got randomly hard Monday morning and I was able to get on him for just a couple minutes before he went flaccid again. Same thing this morning before work - we were able to be "together" a few short minutes and then he wasn't hard enough anymore.

                          He is convinced it's just stress and exhaustion - probably true given his job has been crazy and we're working on orchestrating a move overseas with the military in a few weeks. But honestly the LAST thing I expected us to have any problems with was having sex!! We're both highly driven in that way - but I'm guessing now maybe I am more so. He is really sweet to me, wants to take care of me, promises it'll all be okay - I do believe him, I'm just struggling with why this is a problem right now when we're first married and finally able to relax and have freedom.

                          Anyway, I'm really, really frustrated, but I can't let him know anymore because it only adds to his stress and would make it less likely for us to finally be able to completely be together - long enough to make it count.

                          He decided last night we should keep fooling around and just see what happened - I guess he was sorta craving it, so we did, and he desired I make him come with my hand - which I did, but he didn't even get totally hard before he came by my manual stimulation.

                          I'm just soooooo frustrated because I want to have sex with my husband - I've waited my WHOLE LIFE for this!!! And now it's just not even happening. I know I should be patient but it is so difficult. Plus we have only a short time because he's going overseas in a couple weeks and I won't get to see him again for a few weeks. Plus I'm going to do natural birth control and so the days when we can completely relax with regard to that are somewhat limited. This week and next week are safe, but not even knowing that is making it work He is 36 and never been married, but that shouldn't be old enough to have any problems I wouldn't think... =/
                          Hi... Suggestion.. Lots of foreplay :-). Persue him.. Dress flirtaous and have fun.. U dont have to do the wild thing in ur bedroom. Go any where.. Be adventerous.. Add some sudductive music,... Good luck.. Keep us posted.. Watch couple porn together and get person while playing...

                          Comment


                          • The only thing I can add from a man's POV is that if you want to build up the sexual tension you could perform oral on him in the morning and stop when he gets too excited - thus helping delay his ejaculatory response - not allowing him to cum at all, and then send him to work all horny, the odds are you'll be having sex that night!

                            I can honestly say now that as a 33 year old man with the stress/build up of my impending exams in a couple of months time I can say that stress and worry definitely have a negative impact on your sex drive, I always feel hornier in the mornings and whacked by night time. Also, in the last 18 months or so I know I can't masturbate as frequently as I used to be able to AND have sex as regularly, I just don't recover as quickly I used to so masturbate less frequently, or don't let myself cum when I do.

                            I know I suggest this book all the time but the 'multi orgasmic couple' outlines techniques which help the man strengthen the PC muscle and last MUCH longer, so he is not only capable of much more frequent and long lasting sex, but also has a much stronger desire for it, due to the sexual frustration which he builds up. It's definitely worth checking out.
                            No matter how objective we try to be, we all see through our own eyes...

                            Comment

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