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marriage problems, need help

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  • marriage problems, need help

    Hi everyone! this is my first time participating in a forum. I decided to do this because I am going through a bad time in my marriage and I simply don't know what to do. I need so much help.

    My Husband and I have been married for 3 years now, we met at work and became connected right away. I used to love doing everything with him, working, traveling, friends, sharing hobbies, dreams for the future etc. He was always nice to me and my family and I to his and him; we loved having them over to visit. both our families are far away.

    When I met him, we seemed to have the same ideals for the future, same hobbies, same love and respect for our families, we both put our relationship above friends, we used to exercise together, decide things together, solve problems together, do house chores together, I thought so highly of him.

    He was an ICU nurse and I was a new grad med surge nurse. It seemed a perfect life to me.

    Things have changed now. We dated for a year and then we got married. We did a small wedding because we wanted to have a long honey moon. three months after we got married the problems started. I opened a Facebook account for him so he could stay connected with family and friends as he was a traveling nurse who decided to stay where I was.

    Soon after the Facebook account was created he started behaving oddly. He added all this voluptuous women as his friends, people he had never met before, and the flirtatious comments from this women started showing up on his account.

    He also started spending all his free time playing poker on facebook, he stop going out with me and forbid me from joining the poker group; when he did go out with me, he would say stuff like "ok I went out with you, now I want to be on the computer". he would close his window or change pages as soon as I approached him.

    I became upset about it but tried to understand as he has always been some what flirtatious, and I did like this of him.

    I tried to give him space, I started going out with my girl friends and he with the boys, but things only got worst.

    His behavior was just getting out of control, he would go on facebook even at work, he would hide things from me, he would make remarks about women in front of me (he seemed obsessed with boobs, I am B cup in a good day). He would ask my friends to dance right in front of me when he never asked me for a dance.

    Cutting story short he had a girlfriend over the internet.

    He even said I should become friends with her, as his way of hiding what really was going on. He also accused me to be over jealous and said he would leave me as he "did not need me".

    him and his online girlfriend would call each other on the phone all the time, he would pick opposite schedules from the one I work (which it was never like that).

    finally I got fed up, I presented all the evidence and asked him to leave.

    He begged me to forgive him and so I did. This drama went on for 6 months, so I only got 3 good married months and no honey moon since he stopped planning it with me, and I got discourage and stopped planning it.

    Then we moved to a different state as traveler nurses and things just continued to get worst, even though he has done everything to gain my trust again.

    He is loving, helps around in the house, buys me whatever I want, always wants to do whatever I want, etc.

    Unfortunately for me things are not the same, I have gone down the drain. During the three years of marriage I have noticed he cant make decisions without me, or should I say he makes no decisions and just asks me what to do.

    He was suppose to start a business with a friend of him, with me as his help, and never did.

    I ended up taking responsibility for that business until I decided to stop doing it, after all I didnt really wanted to run the business.

    We had moved because of this business and all I had asked him to do was to teach (it was supposed to be a Basic life support training business).

    When I asked him to just teach and I would do everything else he would not take responsibility for it, he would ask me to tell him what he needed to teach, to print him his class guide, and he would never even practice.

    I was already doing the web page, or learning how to do one, registering the business, opening business accounts, trying to design a business card, I had already gotten the business center at our apartment complex to be our teaching area. on top of that I was going to be responsible of all logistics and management when business start, all he had to do is teach the class.

    We where both full time nurses at the time.

    Well he didnt do anything so I stopped and continued my RN degree by picking up the RN-BSN breach. After that he stopped too and just followed me into the BSN, but first he wanted me to find him a school and help him apply etc.

    I gave him phone number and contact name. At the end he found his own university after I refused to do the work for him. things have been like that every since, I have to think on everything, planned every trip, decide major things, even think on things to do.

    He cant even do his homework on his own.

    He never helped me when I asked him for help with my homework, all he did was complain about us not going out with friends because I had too much homework, but now he wants me to help him.

    Did I mention this man is 14 years older than me.

    Bottom line is I have lost all respect for him, I think he is dumb and overly dependent on me. he has to sleep right next to where I am doing my homework, if I dont think of what to do he has no new ideas besides, movies, and dinner.

    I no longer want to go to the gym with him, and he doesnt go if I dont go, he has gotten bigger (not a lot). I stopped wanting him physically, we have not had sex in moths and I don't want to anyways.

    I want to have sex just not with him. He cannot arouse me anymore and we were having sex every day before. He is a good husband, I mean he helps around the house, he brings me food when I am studying, he drives me to work when he is off, he works hard so we are in good financial standing.

    It is just everything else, when we moved I found out he could not rent an apartment because he had been evicted before, he did a shortsale on his home and I ended up buying our current home.

    To me he has just felt short on responsibilities, I feel he is in the passenger side and I have to lead all the time, every time. This is my first marriage and his second. He wants kids and I dont, Imagine all the added responsibility I am gonna have to deal with.

    He refuses to go to a marriage counselor, and when a push him to decide something, even small things as where to go when walking the dogs he gets mad and says "I dont know why you keep trying to make me lead". What has happened to us,

    Did I just not see what he really was or I became so discouraged after his cheating over the internet that now things do not satisfy me at all.


    Is our marriage over? I am 30 and he is 45 should he not at least have an idea about life?

    I think he does things based on whether he thinks I am going to like it or not, his likes and dislikes change so much depending on which friend he is with.

    I dont really know what he really likes any more. I find myself thinking I should have married someone young and beautiful to at least have good sex if he wasnt not going to be able to do anything else anyways, He cant repair anything, I have to instruct him on how to read manuals.

    Some days I wonder how he survived so many years without me. I do know a friend stole from him when they started a business together, or so he says, I think he let the friend manage everything and therefore lost everything.

    He blames me for everything that goes wrong, even if the dogs bark. I even use homework as an excuse not to listen to him, I rather daydream.

    Thank you for listening, and I am sorry for the long list of things any advise would be greatly appreciate it even if it is to tell me I am crazy.

    Please help I dont know what to do.
    Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 02-22-2013, 11:57 PM. Reason: paragraphing for readers

  • As I see it: He doesn't respect you. You don't respect him for what seem like good reasons. He doesn't make you happy. You've been trying to make this work for 3 years and it hasn't.

    Leave. Don't blame him - blame doesn't matter. Find someone who makes you happy, someone you can love and respect and who will love and respect you. Someone who makes you smile just by walking into the room. You won't be doing your husband a disservice: he can't be happy either living with someone who doesn't respect and love him.

    Please: don't have kids with this man - that will put you in a situation where it will be difficult to leave .

    Comment


    • Hi Draco, welcome to the Forum.

      I agree with Corey.

      When we start nickpicking about someone, then we sit back and can see that we are extremely mis-matched.

      When that occured doesn't matter.

      It is sad that one works so hard to make things work and the other doesn't. But, his quirks are him, that is who he is, as far as not making any management decisions go.. He obviously either thinks you are far more intelligent than him or else his own Mother did everything in the house hold.

      What is wrong in my opinion is he openly pretty much had/has a girlfriend. That he flirts openly, dances with your friend and not you. Like it's stated above, nil respect.

      It's obvious this man really belongs on his own. Let him do what he wants with his life, he must have some intelligence to be a Nurse but bottom line is, you are young. You tried. But, this guy isn't for you, someone else is out there for you.

      Go to the gym just don't tell him

      Keep studying, get yourself where you want to go in life.

      And, when you are ready, find somewhere you would like to live in.

      We can only try in a marriage, it takes two.

      You've done the best you could...
      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

      Comment


      • Thank you for your advise, I am still too scared to take that step. I think on everything I have to lose, financially and emotionally. I would have to sell my house, and leave the city and Job I currently have. I couldn't work in the same place he does, we have the same friends as well. We also have two dog. We got them because I wanted them, but he will try to get one for sure.

        It all sounds so hard and complicated, I wouldn't know what to do first.

        Comment


        • Draco,

          Think about this.

          Your concerns he already knows as he knows you have a heart and he knows you are stuck.

          Meanwhile he wins, you continue to go down further and further, because of your fear.

          There is "somewhere" where both dogs can go and he can do nothing about it, there is someplace he can chance work or you, he can do nothing about it.

          It's time you got strong.

          He is cheating.. He doesn't care.. You are important...

          Use this thread to gain thoughts and how you can do this...

          We are here.
          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

          Comment


          • He has reverted (if he ever left) to his childhood dependency on his mother (now you). He has some serious problems. The question is whether you want to stick around while he works things out. Of course, he has to want to work things out. But like a rebellious teenager, he doesn't want to go to the counselor.

            He is going to beg and plead and promise like a scared baby when you actually attempt to end it, but unless he demonstrates real progress, you are stuck with a child.

            You deserve a grown man.

            Comment


            • Talk to him about your sentiments and ask him to listen to you. If he does not, then it is a signal to you that you give yourself some respect as it seems that he is not giving you that.

              Comment

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