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He made the first move and I liked it

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  • He made the first move and I liked it

    I posted on here a while ago about an odd situation I found myself in.

    basically my friend had accused me of having an affair with her husband (which was not the case) however she had been talking to my partner through texts on a daily basis and her husband and I were concerned they were the ones having the affair.

    A couple of weeks ago, not long after my first post, we were having a few drinks at ours all chatting and having a lovely time. My partner had gone upstairs to settle our child and my friend had gone to the toilet. I was in the kitchen getting some nibbles ready when I felt a hand brush my hair off my neck and then felt, what I thought was my partner, kissing my neck. It wasn't until I moved my hand to his head that I realised it was my friends husband. I actually screamed out loud cause I just didn't expect it. My friend came running in, by that time he had moved well away from me obviously due to my scream making him jump. I made out I had dropped a knife near my foot.


    I didn't really know what to think about it. The problem is that it felt amazing, I have never felt anything like it. My whole body went weak. Looking back now it didn't feel like my partner but at the time the last thing I expected was for it to be him.

    Last week I had to pop into his work to drop some things off for his son. He was on his own and I was dreading going in as I hadn't seen him since that night. As it were he was just as embarrassed as I was. He apologised to me and said he felt ashamed of his actions. I stupidly made a joke about being asked next time and we ended up kissing.

    I know, I know I was warned this would happen if I kept being there for him to talk to but now it has it is all I can think about. Our messages have got a lot more intimate and he can't stop thinking about it either. I have said it can't continue or go any further as it makes us as bad as them.

    I realise I need to distance myself from them both but I just can't do it. Is there anyone out there who understands, been in a similar situation or just has some advice for me? Please help!!!

  • You're at a stage in your life where you need to figure out whether you want to
    stay with your husband or not. This other man could be just a follow up on your
    thoughts of leaving him. Take a good look at what you want for your futur before
    you make any moves with this. It might feel great now but consequences will come
    with it. Are you ready for that right now? If you are, make the change with your husband
    first.

    Comment


    • The fact that these actions are forbidden make them more exciting. The Coolidge Effect kicks in since this is a new situation. All of a sudden you are reeling from the chemicals swirling in your brain. Is this what you really want to do? Will it still be the right thing after the newness fades?
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • I have thought long and hard about what I want and the consequences that will follow. Obviously I stand to loose more than I will gain if I carry on down this path. However even knowing that I cannot get him off my mind.

        I often end up laying in bed awake because I can't stop thinking about him. I'm sure your right and it is just the excitement of something new and different. I have tried and tried to stop thinking about him but nothing works. My friend is very controlling towards him and considering what she did to him treats him like crap. He is an amazing guy and deserves better, but I can't decide that for him.

        I know I sound horrible, having kissed my friends husband but really I'm not a bad person. I have just got tangled up in a web of confusion, lies, deceit and now betrayal. Not knowing what there is between my partner and her isn't helping either.

        Just putting this out there but could it be that I occasionally prefer him as a friend and want better for him? I do have this overwhelming need to protect and defend him, not sure what that means though. I don't like seeing him spoken to and treated the way he is but again only he can stand up to and deal with it.

        Is there any point in me telling her what happened or are something's better left unsaid?

        Comment


        • In this case if something was to be said, I think it should come from
          him. He made the move and like you said before, he should decide if
          he wants to make a stand or not.

          Comment


          • You must be in a confusion stage. If you want to save your relationship and your own family, then it is better if you stay away with your friend and his husband for the mean time.

            Comment


            • Hello OP,
              something I've learned in the past couple of years is that often a person has two 'selves'. This is usually most helpful to realize when assessing a mate or potential mate, but in your case I think you need to get real about your own self and I hope this might help you understand your own heart and situation.

              On one side are a person's actions. What do they do? This is what most of us would call the 'real' person.

              On the other side are a person's words. What do they say? This is how that person views themself. Sometimes it is actually who they are. More often, it is how they wish they could be, how they used to be, or how they think they should be out of duty to family or friends. But it is not who they are.

              From what you've written, who you are is someone who is cheating, and is going to become more involved in your affair regardless of how it affects your marriage or children. If you are going to do that, I suggest you quit doing it with one hand over your eyes and one hand on your lover. This is not "happening to you". You Are Making This Happen. You Can Stop It If You Want To.

              Just saying that you're 'not a bad person' doesn't mean you're not a bad person. Grow up. You view your husband as a bad person, and therefore it's OK for you to cheat on him. So if you're not a bad person, why is it OK for you to cheat on your husband/family and put yourself in the middle of someone else's marriage bed? It is not OK.

              Become an adult. Take responsibility for your choices. Make your actions match your words. What is 'good' and 'fair' for you to expect from your husband is what you should be willing to do for him. No more or less.

              So - the other route is to have a straight conversation with your husband about his (apparent) cheating. Maybe you two should become involved as a couple with fooling around with this other married couple? It seems unlikely to me that you would stay married for long and be able to trust each other in the future, but I still think honesty is better than secrecy.

              And who knows? Having a frank discussion may start some real relationship building with your husband, and you may find out you two love each other and want to be faithful to each other. Trust begins with communication, and healthy relationships can't work without trust.

              Best Wishes,
              Sunlight

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Foxy11 View Post
                I posted on here a while ago about an odd situation I found myself in.

                basically my friend had accused me of having an affair with her husband (which was not the case) however she had been talking to my partner through texts on a daily basis and her husband and I were concerned they were the ones having the affair.

                A couple of weeks ago, not long after my first post, we were having a few drinks at ours all chatting and having a lovely time. My partner had gone upstairs to settle our child and my friend had gone to the toilet. I was in the kitchen getting some nibbles ready when I felt a hand brush my hair off my neck and then felt, what I thought was my partner, kissing my neck. It wasn't until I moved my hand to his head that I realised it was my friends husband. I actually screamed out loud cause I just didn't expect it. My friend came running in, by that time he had moved well away from me obviously due to my scream making him jump. I made out I had dropped a knife near my foot.


                I didn't really know what to think about it. The problem is that it felt amazing, I have never felt anything like it. My whole body went weak. Looking back now it didn't feel like my partner but at the time the last thing I expected was for it to be him.

                Last week I had to pop into his work to drop some things off for his son. He was on his own and I was dreading going in as I hadn't seen him since that night. As it were he was just as embarrassed as I was. He apologised to me and said he felt ashamed of his actions. I stupidly made a joke about being asked next time and we ended up kissing.

                I know, I know I was warned this would happen if I kept being there for him to talk to but now it has it is all I can think about. Our messages have got a lot more intimate and he can't stop thinking about it either. I have said it can't continue or go any further as it makes us as bad as them.

                I realise I need to distance myself from them both but I just can't do it. Is there anyone out there who understands, been in a similar situation or just has some advice for me? Please help!!!
                Just keep distant.. If u did do somewrong it would be a great idea to come clean. Even if its text sex or etc.. Mental sex,. Its still bad.
                Time also helps u as well. if u didnt do anything wrong that to will come out between them. right now stress is in the air
                good luck.. Plezd to meet u and hi.
                Plez keep us posted.
                Thanx

                Comment


                • Thank you sunlight

                  I do not disagree with you at all about any of it. I believe you have hit the nail on the head and described down to the last detail exactly how I'm acting. Reading it from someone else certainly puts it in perspective and I appreciate that.

                  I would like to add my partner and I are not married, no that is not me trying to justify my actions, I just wanted it mentioned. The past few days have been a nightmare but I will not get into it now as talking about it isn't actually going to solve the issue.

                  I have realised now that I haven't been in love with my partner for a long time now. I thought we could make things work, I realise now that having these feelings and thoughts for another man all the time is unhealthy and if we were happy they wouldn't be happening.

                  I really do thank you for your bluntness. You have given me the reality slap I desperately needed to move on and finally make a decision I have been putting off for nearly a year.

                  Thanks again
                  Foxy

                  Comment


                  • Pleased to meet u to artqween

                    I think distancing myself from him is the best idea. Hopefully there is something round the corner for me that will come soon enough and it will be just as exciting without all the betrayal.

                    I will keep u posted

                    Comment


                    • Hello Foxy11,
                      I hope you are doing alright (maybe not happy yet, or comfortable, but at least feeling like you are more of a director in your life, and not lost).

                      How are you? If you don't feel like replying, or are busy in real life, it's fine; I just wanted to let you know I care and wish you well.

                      Best Wishes,
                      Sunlight

                      Comment


                      • Hi there Sunlight27,

                        Thank you for your message, It means a lot and is very much appreciated

                        I'm not too bad. Still slightly confused but dealing with it in a roundabout way. I really can't tell you how much your first post helped me. I needed someone to say out loud the way I knew I was portraying the situation. I really believed it was something happening to me that i couldn't stop. i know that it was because it was easier for me to believe this than face the fact I was doing everything myself. I really can't thank you enough. Honesty can be harsh and at first I was offended reading it. Once I took in what it said I started viewing everything in a different way (actually being honest with myself)

                        We have spoken about how we feel about each other and now know where we stand. We are going to remain good friends, as we always have been. We both agreed we will always be there for one another to talk to listen when we need and agreed we need to get our own relationships sorted out. Fortunately the times we have spent together as a group have been comfortable and as if nothing happened.

                        In all honesty i do have feelings towards him that I can't seem to push away. However when I have sat and thought about why, I now know its because i know he deserves better than to be treated the way he is.

                        I do still feel lost about somethings. The fact that I enjoy spending time with my friend and always thoroughly enjoy her company, but also resent her for what she did to him and the way she speaks to him i find horrendous and it upsets me that she thinks its ok to do this. I have realised it is not my problem to solve and although I'm there to listen to him when he needs, I don't give my opinion or tell him what he should do anymore. All have said is that he needs to make a decision about what he wants. He seems stuck between routine and doing what he knows is best.

                        I can't seem to work out why I enjoy being around her so much and yet hate the way she seems to think her selfish behaviour is ok! That is very confusing to me that I feel this way about her.

                        Thank you for your kind wishes, it really does mean a lot.
                        foxy x

                        Comment

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