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Help! I think I have feelings for my Husband's Best Friend

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  • Help! I think I have feelings for my Husband's Best Friend

    I wanted some place that I could share what I am feeling and get some advice. I hope I have come to the right place. I am 25 years old and have been married for almost three years. I love my husband, but like all marriages, we aren't perfect. We communicate a lot, but this is something I can't talk to him about because I don't want to hurt him and I do not think he would understand.

    When my husband and I began dating, I met some of his friends from home. I became very good friends with his best friend, Pat. Everything was normal until my husband and I were getting married and buying a house. I thought I was ready for a marriage and a house, but after we got married, I started thinking I had rushed things. I started talking with Pat more often and he was a great friend, listening to me rant or doubt and being very supportive. I started to realize how much Pat and I had in common and how similar in some ways he was to my husband. I didn't think much of it until Pat started showing what I thought were signs of attraction towards me. The three of us (my husband, Pat and myself) have always been a close knit group and we do a lot of things, just the three of us. (Pat is single by the way) We would go downtown to a bar several times a month, (I don't drink, so I am the DD). One time when the three of us were downtown the boys had a rather large amount to drink. Pat referred to himself as the "other" husband when him and my husband were talking about me. I just kind of laughed about it but it made me start to wonder if he had feelings for me. That same night we stayed up late talking for hours and ended up falling asleep on the couch. We were on separate sides of the couch. That same weekend, on Saturday, Pat and I hung out then I went with Pat to his house so he could take a shower and so we could carpool to our end of season softball picnic. This is what happened at his house. I was on the couch and fell asleep sitting up. Pat had been in the chair when I fell asleep and at one point I woke up and we was asleep next to me on the couch. He was laying down and I kind of rested my head on a pillow on his hip and he put his arm on me and then I got up eventually and he kind of napped with his head in my lap. We didn't really talk, just enjoyed the companionship. Another weekend after that happened, I was dropping him off at his house after a night at the bar and I went in because he was giving me a calculator to borrow for the class I was taking. We were talking and I went to give him a hug as I was leaving. (We normally hug goodbye) IT wasn't our normal hug, it lasted a long time and felt very intense. I had an overwhelming urge to kiss him, but as we separated from the hug, I didn't even make eye contact, I just turned and headed for the door. I realized I was on a very slippery slope and I made the choice to try and avoid him and see if this "crush" would fade. It has been about 6 months and while the feelings are not as intense, I still have feelings for Pat. I am not positive he has feelings for me, but I think he does and I have talked with my husband a little about the possibility of Pat having feelings for me and he thinks he does. I don't want to have romantic feelings for Pat, but I can't seem to shake them. Is it wrong to want to kiss Pat, just to see what it would be like? I think if things had been different, I think I might have dated Pat at some point in my life. I wish I could take my husband and Pat, and make them one person. Should I talk to Pat about this or just try and forget it and move on?



  • Hi and Welcome to the Forum.

    I could have sworn I read your post before ? Then I realized you'd posted the exact post on the 12th, today being the 17th. It can be confusing to not get answers right away, but remember that there are Thousands of members here, some with specific Advise on your problem . Posting it twice only adds to the confusion .

    I checked both posts and you have lots of " reads " but no replies as of yet. This may have to do with some just don't know what to say, another is that your post gets Buried. This is not like Craig's List where the more you post, the closer to the Top you stay .. Lol.
    Hopefully an Admin can close one of your posts to allow less confusion and get responses , though it may take some time, Be Patient.

    On your problem ,
    The only Advise I can give is to Bury yourself in your Husband and Marriage. Do NOT ACT on your feelings for the Best Friend. Something is lacking in your Marriage, maybe Excitement or Variety. It's best to focus on fixing the Problem with Hubby.

    I don't want to have romantic feelings for Pat, but I can't seem to shake them. Is it wrong to want to kiss Pat, just to see what it would be like? I think if things had been different, I think I might have dated Pat at some point in my life. I wish I could take my husband and Pat, and make them one person. Should I talk to Pat about this or just try and forget it and move on?
    Avoid ever being alone with Hubby's Best Friend. No more falling asleep in each others laps. Put Pat back where he Belongs, Hubby's Best Friend . Respect that and your Marriage !!

    Or your next post might be Titled'
    " I had an Affair with My Hubby's Best Friend ".

    I don't think you want to go there , do you ?





    Comment


    • Over the course of a long marriage you'll find yourself attracted to many different people. Not acting on them is what you do when you are married.
      Sounds like you three have a nice bond and close friendship, don't screw it up.

      Just throwing it out there but have you or your husband ever brought up the topic of an open marriage, or including Pat?
      Whatever you do make sure it includes your husband, everyone will get hurt if you don't.

      Comment


      • This is what I see.

        Your husband trusts both of you. Mainly Pat because Pat is his "best" friend. Also you because he includes his best friend into his life, his married life. And, that's dangerous.

        You two are bonding spending married time together enough, he is including Pat in alot because Pat is single, off course Pat is going to like you, you are the only woman he sees and gets to at least hug..

        It sounds as if you have a friendship and respect for your husband if you hugged him more and dated him alone, you might find this crush is the reason why you have a crush.

        Pat is lonely, help find him a woman and start bonding with your husband
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

        Comment


        • "Is it wrong to want to kiss Pat, just to see what it would be like? "

          Yes!!!! Well maybe not wrong to WANT, but very wrong to follow through. Assuming you wouldn't tell your husband, you would be creating a "secret" alliance with Pat that could create all kinds of feelings and problems that could eventually blow up everything.

          Do not spend alone time with Pat. CW is right. Not that you aren't attractive, but he may be falling for the girl he spends so much time with.

          Pat and your husband are very much alike. Therefore, like your husband, Pat is attractIVE to you. And like your husband, Pat is attractED to you.

          Pat, however, has the "benefit" of being the forbidden one--the one who generates the "tension". If the roles were reversed and you had married Pat, you would now be writing to us about your feelings for your husband (the one you're married to now).

          Keep your distance from Pat.

          Comment


          • Ask yourself what you would feel if your husband had the same feelings for your female friend.
            Fiance : why are you whining and pouty?? Act like a man!

            Me: Men nowadays can be fickle and emotional and not know what we want. Just like women! Its the 21st century! Its not the 1950's anymore!

            Fiance: grrrr............. thats not how a man is supposed to act!

            Me: Its the 21st century! Hello? Man have emotional rights now! You can't boss my emotions around anymore! This is America...

            Comment


            • I want to thank everyone for listening and giving me advice. I knew what I needed to do, but hearing it from others helped me make that choice. So to update on the situation... I have been avoiding Pat and really trying to focus on my husband. Things have gotten better and my intense feelings for Pat have subsided some. I did talk to my husband as well and told him how I was feeling and why I was unhappy. Things have been getting much better. I still care very much about Pat, but more in the friend way.

              Comment

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