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Dazed & Confused ~ Need some advice, please be gentle, this is not easy to admit..

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  • Dazed & Confused ~ Need some advice, please be gentle, this is not easy to admit..

    I have been married for 20 years, my husband is the first and only guy i have been with, we got married relatively young, 20 for me, 26 for him, our kids are older teens now who will be going off to college in 1 and 2 years respectively. When to comes to the kids I am the bad cop, husband is always the good cop and to our kids he basically walks on water, I'll be the first to say he is an absolutely awesome dad.

    Anyways our marriage has always been volatile, when it's good it's absolutely great, when it is bad it's really and truly bad...and we have fought and clawed and made up our way to 20 years. He has a fabulous job, while I am a SAHM. Pretty old fashioned gender roles in our house, didn't plan on it, just happened that way...I take care of the house and the kids, he takes care of the other things.

    He is a workaholic, always has been, I knew it coming into the marriage and his work designation, his pay, our home, our lifestyle, our bank accounts.. all are a reflection of it, very methodical and practical about everything. I, on the other hand am very emotional, a hardcore romantic and let's just say 20 years of compromising for the greater good of the family and putting my needs and dreams on the back burner wears a woman down.

    My husband has a great friend, known him for over 20 yrs, friends to both of us now, the guy went through two bad relationships and is single now, he lives across the street from us, we go over, he comes over, our kids are in each other's places all the time etc etc. We always hang out together all of us, or with other friends and there has never been anything other than friendship between this guy and me, I've actually set him up with single friends, been his wingman with a waitress at a bar all of us frequent , all good clean fun...I have always admired this guy for how he treats women despite being hurt badly but his two ex wives.

    Everything changed yesterday evening, hubby was working late as always..after making dinner, I went over to have a drink and shoot the breeze. A couple of beers and a shot of tequila later ( both of us were drinking ), I honestly don't remember who made the first move, but we ended up kissing, both of us stopped took a step back and I said I should go, he said yes..but then I ended up staying and we kissed some more, until I finally left. This friend is older than me, my hubby's age, I am a middle aged married woman, both of us should have known better but we didn't, and am not going to use alcohol as an excuse.

    The worst thing is that for the first time in a long time it made me feel like a woman, not just wife and mom...an actual desirable woman and I don't feel as guilty about it as I should...there is a little guilt but I keep thinking that I should feel more guilty. Am so confused, never thought I would do something like this but is it so wrong ? Doesn't everyone have a basic desire to feel wanted and needed, rather than be taken for granted?

  • I am going to take a guess here and say that your marriage has come to a point where it is stale and boring. Its not that you don't love your husband, but you watch a romantic movie and wonder why that can't be you. You hear your girlfriends talk about the romantic stuff their husband/boyfriend did and you feel jealous. You got married so young, there is that nagging feeling of "what did I miss." Your not falling in love with this guy (probably why you don't feel guilty) but her is fullfilling that fantasy and desire you are feeling.

    Time to have a long time down with the husband. You don't have to tell him about the incident, but tell him exactly what you are feeling. Make him understand that life isn't worth all the money and security it can buy if you aren't happy. You are finally at a good place in your life financially and with the kids growing up and you two need to invest in your relationship again. Discuss seeing a therapist. Make a commitment to each other. More than likely you have focused all your energy into the kids and he has focused all his energy into the finances. The kids don't need you so much and neither does the job. You need to step up your game to understand what motivates him and he needs to make an effort to understand your needs and desires.

    Try taking a vacation (without kids). I know that is so stereotypical, but it really does help rekindle things. Try doing some of the things you did when you were younger and so in love. Set up date nights.

    You also need to talk with your friend and explain that you got carried away in the moment and you didn't mean for it to happen. As if you still can be good friends and put this behind you.
    Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


    • You got married young, stay at home Mom and things have just gotten into a rut. You kinda lose your identity and you are known as "so and so's wife" or "so and so's Mom" but after so many years of being wife and mother your own identity gets pushed to the side, the romance is a very distant memory if even that and things are taken for granted. I have been where you are right now only mine was 12 years of marriage and I woke up one day and realized that I was unhappy and we had absolutely NOTHING in common. When he was home he would get on his computer and would send me an instant message asking what was for dinner and what time it would be ready... we didn't even speak verbally to each other anymore. I feel like I made a lot of the wrong choices and I should have done things differently....

      Have you ever stopped and considered things from your husbands perspective? He sounds like a really good man. You make no mention of him cheating, or being abusive. You say he's a wonderful Dad and provider. The only flaw that I can see that he has is the fact that he's a workaholic which some jobs are demanding like that and its what he feels he has to do to support you and his children and probably set aside money for their college education??? Maybe he is feeling some of the same things that you are.... lack of excitement in the relationship, same old routine etc....

      While it is nice to feel wanted and desired by someone else (especially after 20 years with the same man) it gives a woman a real self esteem boost to know that she is desirable still. My advice is to enjoy the self esteem boost and don't go back for more. Focus your time and energy on figuring out how you can maybe relight the spark back in your marriage. It won't be long until your children are off to college and your husband will probably retire from his job. Now is the time for you to enjoy each other and relight the fires of your marriage so that the next 20 years are smokin' hot for the two of you!


      • Thank you both for not judging me , I really appreciate it.

        My hubby is am awesome father yes, but he is very unemotional, I don't even know how to describe it, he doesn't do birthday gifts, cards, flowers...just isn't the type, for my birthday this year he gave me cash and told me to buy whatever I like...I on the other hand will hunt high and low for the perfect gift and believe giving cash = the giver can't be bothered to look for the right gift. I don't remember the last time he brought me flowers or showed me any sign of physical affection, I am a really touchy feel person and sometimes I lay in bed next to him while he is sleeping wondering what I wouldn't give just for a hug.

        We take vacations together, but usually due to his work, I tag along since the kids are older, I am in the pool, the gym, the spa while he works. He believes date nights and being romantic are for Hallmark cards and romance does not pay the bills. We have had many fights over it. For our anniversary I found the fabulous B&B, and while we were there, I walked around the grounds alone, sat and read alone while he went bike riding , all he did was complain that it just wasn't his thing and was too slow and quiet.

        To put it very bluntly, and I hope I don't sound mean but I would rather my kids be single and alone than be married and alone like me.....nothing hurts as much as being married and lonely. We tried counseling 4 times, all the counselors told him to set time aside for the marriage and me ( us time ), and he said "She knew what she was getting into when she married me, she can take it or leave it", all the 4 times he quit and said he was not going to pay $$ just because I had some impractical storybook version of what a marriage should be.

        I really do think my hubby needed and needs a mom for his kids, not a wife, I was just a means to an end, to give him the kids he wanted. He actually dreams of dropping dead at work, doing what he loves and has no plans of retiring what so ever.

        The only redeeming factor, he is a really good father and I will not hurt him or our kids by separating them from each other through divorce.


        • I think your husband needs a reality check. Tell him, calmly, that he does not fulfill all the things a life partner should provide and therefore you deserve the right to go find it elsewhere. Ask for an open marriage. Not saying you should actually do it, but maybe it will be a wake up call for him.

          The thing you need to think about is that in 2 years the kids will be out of the house and starting their own lives. What do you have then? No job, no husband that actually interacts with you. Are there other activities like volunteer work or something that you focus your energy on? Do you have other family and friends that can provide you emotional support? If not, you need to find those things. Consider working or volunteering. Take up an activity like ballroom dancing. Meet other people. This way you are not relying on your husband to be the only person fulfulling your emotional needs. Maybe you will meet somebody else. If you have an agreement to an open marriage, then you don't have to feel guilty.

          Your husband has something that he devotes himself to that he truely enjoys (his work). You need to find your own thing that you can enjoy, whether it is a person, persons or activity.
          Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


          • I think most married people have felt tempted at some point, and many have acted on that temptation. That doesn't make it OK, but you have a lot of company, and considering your situation I certainly won't fault you for what happened .

            My feeling is that if your situation at home doesn't change, this will happen again, and probably go further. You are missing something very important in your life - the feeling of being loved and desired, and it isn't fair that you should live your life with out that.

            Since your husband doesn't seem to show you much affection, are you showing him less? Is it possible that each of you is acting on the other's lack of affection and that either of you could fix things? Maybe you have tried and this doesn't work, but if not, definitely give it a shot.

            If you are constantly affectionate and he isn't, then you need to try to talk with him. Maybe suggest a romantic vacation for 2, rather than tagging along for a business trip.

            One problem in reading this sort of post is the tendency for the reader to map their own experiences onto the post - we don't know you, haven't seen your interaction, so we imagine ourselves - and that may be a very different sort of situation.


            • We have wonderful intuition.

              You already know exactly where you are at, in a loveless marriage, he married to have a wife and children.

              Being a work-a-holic does not mean you just come home, eat your meal, go to bed, day in and day out and neglect your partner.

              You go to the pool, the gym, that means you have not hit your lowest of just being, you still live good for you, but at what cost?

              Off course, you want to "feel" you have emotions.. And, you had a taste of what it would be like to be kissed... And you liked it, more than liked it but yes, wrong move but then I am sure he knows the situation and probably felt for you as well over it.. Just be ascertive and let him know, it was a once off, that's it. You don't need to give him any explanations at all.

              IDK.. You are my age, and at an age where the children are old enough. You'd be suprised, teenagers are smart they can tell a loveless relationship to a loved up relationship and parents don't stop loving their children, nor will he stop loving them but that should not stop you at your "young" age, to find love in your life.

              We have one life. Just one.

              You have tried councelling and he is stubborn.. You knew what you were getting into, I'm ********ed if I am giving you money just because your idea of a marriage is not mine. WRONG.

              We have the right as humans to be loved, everything in life gets love. You do have the right to walk and find what you need in life... You don't need to remain and be his cook, cleaner, washing machine.

              I was 44 when I walked, from a loveless marriage.... Nearly lost my identity. 5 Years later, once I spent a good 14 months alone first, finding myself, my passions, my dreams, going on my holidays, building a work environment, eventually I found a loving fiance who is a fantastic friend and lover as well .

              This was something you needed to do, to find out how you felt inside that burning desire to be loved, it's not about sex, it was about love.

              Start feeling alone, as in single and start living ..... Look for part time work and start working... See how you really feel "alone" but as one, you.... Not in a marriage and see if you like what you see.
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


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